I’m melting in the wild fire.
Coming out as the rain.
As a flood I take you in my arms.
In the sky I’ll change from a strong wind into warm rays of sun coming through like a phoenix.

Like a raven in a bath of blood.
In your car when the sun goes down.
My eyes tired from the constant adrenaline and listening to all the noises.

Feeling everything and then being left all alone.
In a half dead place,
with a half dead face.
And a body that’s spreading itself out on the demp sand and grass.

I knew the way to Walhalla.
I fought and came out.
Still here in this world for now.
The fountain is where I walk to during the day.

The half dead place is where I enter the gate when it’s late.
And dark outside.
And lonely.
And bad.

So useless just wondering.
After a long fight, just escaping.
I know I have to be there now alone.
Odin told me to go.
So I listened.

Because I can never stay too long anywhere with anyone.
He knows, I know.
I’m melting in the wild fire that I caused.
That others cause before me.
They pulled me in.
Like a black raven in a blood bath.
And the sky will change.

I take you in my arms like a flood.
Into the warm rays of sun.
Coming through like a phoenix.

Midnight at the Matrix.
Only in poetry music, ***.
Sometimes there's a way out.

And a dreamland in the inbetween.
Seeing things you haven't seen.
But there are some boundaries.

There are little worlds behind them.
You can see them but you can't go there yet.
And creatures walking around you ignoring you.
This world is not yet yours.

Midnight at the matrix.
Trying to get ready to relax.
Finishing your last phone call.

You both broke down on the other side of the line.
Both vacuum ****** and you can't get through the end of the bowl.
Cause there's no end at all.
No end in a vacuum bowl.

Still not completely ****** in the same way.
But soon you'll be ****** together in the same old bowl.
One of you just came out of war, the other out of hell.
Not much difference, still a world of a difference.

One is still and the other always ill.
Cause being ****** in a bowl where everything is too much makes you never relax...
Being ****** in a bowl after a war is a calm in the eye of a storm.
An eye of glass....

Midnight at the Matrix.
Only in poetry music, ***.
Sometimes there's a way out.

I am walking and searching in a demp place.
Flies in my face.
Missing something, somebody but I've got to be with me.
I will never be yours, I know.
I've never had a life that allowed me to stay and be somebody's girl or wife.
Now I'm lost in a demp place with flies.
Again on my my own.
I can't stick around for too long with anyone but the evenings are so silent.
The pain of knowing that tomorrow I'll be alone.
On important dates like 24-07-21.
24/7, it used to be a date set to go but I'm not ready yet.
Though I don't know where to go.
How to love if nobody's ever really going to be able to call me theirs.
I carry that love around and I've got to be with me.
Connected to nature.
Free but lonely and always walking.
With flies around.
Going into the demp dark place with the high trees, too much humidity.
The deeper I go in, the more I lose my breath.
I start coughing.
Time to go back.
This place is not right.
But where do I go?
Now on my own again.

Life is not worth the pain. But life is all you have in the moment. Death doesn’t come on demand even if you try. It’s not that simple. Death is a journey too and life is a journey towards death. You can only follow yourself is what I found out. Why should you follow just any “light” that appears?

I want more.
I want to show you more.
I want to see more.
I want more.
I want to feel you more.
I want to feel more good.

I want less.
I want to talk less.
I want to talk with you less.
I want less.
I want to think less.
I want to feel less darkness.

When you got more tears behind you than ahead the little things become more painful.
The bigger stuff you’re used to already.
And when you’re tired everything seems useless again because the big fights are done.
You just want peace but the war is still inside.
You just want a good time but everything is dull. 😪😵

In another world I’ll be that mother that looks at their kid thinking: what’s not to love?
I’ll do things calmly.
I don’t need to break a toxic cycle.
From my family and my own life.
I’m new.
To be able to love and enjoy things calmly and peacefully.

I can’t sleep because I’m uncomfortable and wake up from everything. I’m uncomfortable because I can’t sleep and get overwhelmed by many things. My body feels on fire but also very tired. Like there’s a dark thick substance running through it hurting from left to right.

You found yourself somebody else.
My world turned cold.
My body's restless and in pain.
I should think about what matters, who matters.
But nothing will ever feel ok.
We can't create our own little world anymore.
Everybody leaves, everybody gets away.
I was so scared to hurt that I forgot that I'd be the one left in the end.

I can never live with somebody.
Myself included cause the fighting's been going on too long.
I'm old and fragile but still fighting strong.

You found yourself somebody.
I told you I wanted you to.
But why did it have to be before I was ready to leave?
This world is cruel, cold and dark.
Especially when you're always fighting lonely.
It won't be pleasant again.
But you can't hurt me anymore either cause I know the truth.
But this is the end of hope.
Hope for anything better.

I can never live with somebody.
Myself included cause the fighting's been going on too long.
I'm old and fragile but still fighting strong.

I should think about the people that matter.
We've always been fighting alongside each other.
Like a true family.
We just couldn't live together.
I wish we could at least feel free together, maybe once when I'm away.
Away from this world and body.
I'm so proud of you and me, we've done everything.

But I can never live with somebody.
Myself included cause the fighting's been going on too long.
I'm old and fragile but still fighting strong.

I'm not giving power to the pain.
I choose to live again but I'm getting punished for that decision.
And my keeper has become lazy.
I'm back in the game, I decided to fight some more.
The man that's my biggest reason to fight gets dragged back into my life...
So do I live for him now?
Cause I figured I can't live for me after all.
But he is here with me now too.
So I will be fighting like a crazy warrior!
I'll never forget who I am.
The power of a connection to nature and my own spirit and spirit guides.
Always strong enough as long as I want or need to be, over and over.

I know the power of not giving power to the pain.
And the power of not giving a ****, just doing what is needed to be here.
In a loving way.
Going deep and seek the truth inside me.
Letting the connection take me away.
I am a part of this intense heavy game that is my life.
And beyond...
Always will I know what it's like to be here.
So I'll never fall back into it and I'll be there only for my loved ones when needed.
It doesn't matter where I'll be.
I can survive comfortless nights but in the end I became so aware of it.

So this infection will never leave, the pain of knowing discomfort at night.
The screams of no peace.
The screams of love.
I choose to live again but I'm getting punished for that decision.
And my keeper got lazy.
I'm back in the game, I decided to fight some more.
So do I live to be tortured now?
I can be attacked again.
And I stay.
And I cry.
And I scream.

And I love.
And I can't leave, and I can't live.
My keeper was there for my torture.
My spirit guides are there for my peace.
My lover is there to make me stay.
And for me to drag him back into my world.
I try to let it be wonderful.
But it's horrible so many times.
Every day and every night.
Especially every night.
So I will be fighting like a crazy warrior.

I'll never forget who I am.
Who I've become.
I know the power of not giving power to the pain.
One day I can set myself free.
I won't always continue to fight here cause it hurts like a dragon attacking my body constantly.
And one day I'll stop fighting it.
Do I live for him now?
Cause I figured I can't live for me after all.
But he is  here with me now too.
So I'm a crazy warrior.
I know who I am.
Spiritual, crazy, viking, bleeding, hard, soft, free.

My name is Skadi.
I was made to destroy.  
I ***** up everything.
Till there’s nothing left to fight for.

Tears on the icy rocks.
Going home in the snow.
I caused an avalanche.
Now it covered up my soul.
And it hurt you too.

I was made to create this terror.
Being tortured as long as I exist.
But I love you, but it doesn’t matter.
My name is Skadi, made to destroy.

I want to destroy the world that hurts me.
Not you.
But I do it in the meantime.
Because I ache.
I explode like an erupting mountain and a hurricane in the night.

I burst through the floor and flood it with the tears I cry all over this world.
And you drown in it.
So I cry even more.
I destroy, I ***** up everything.
Till there’s nothing left to fight in and to fight for.
Nothing, nobody, no love anywhere.

My name is Skadi, destroy me.
Like I’ve been destroyed over and over.
It needs to be over.
Tears on the icy rocks.

I see your face under the ice.
The body that once held me.
My name is Skadi.
I covered everything in ice.
And I’m stuck.

I don't want to hurt you.
But I leave you alone.
For now.
Cause it's not working, devastating.
The bubble bursting again from the tension.
Help, I'm hurting.... you.

Are you ok?
I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do.
About this.
About us.
It's not right.
We stopped dreaming.

But I never want to hurt you.
If it doesn't fit with who I am in this lifetime I have to be honest.
I hate to be this mess, to chose the fight instead of the comfort.
The love that we share is always gonna be there, I still care.
It's all just so unfair, painful, brutal battles.

Help, I'm hurting you.
Painful truth, horrible battles to fight again.
Life is never easy.
Never peaceful.
Intense and heavy.
From start to end.
And now something ends and something else is beginning again.
But I hate to hurt you and leave you.

Help, I don't want to hurt you.
But I leave you alone.
For now.
Cause it's not working, devastating.
The bubble bursting again from the tension.
Help, I'm hurting.

YOU.

You dug your nails into my hand.
On the inside at the bottom of my fingers.
I asked you to do it once again after you finished.
That was too intense.

But now I'm tired and you are lost again somewhere in your own head.
At a place you share with people that are not friends.
What will happen when I move away from your work place?
You live in a shelter, can you even stay with me when I move in 3 weeks?

You can't escape.
Just like me, I have to keep on moving, continue this torture.
Do you want to escape with me?
It seems, not really.
You don't invite me but when I invite you, you sometimes like it.
You still talk about how it was your very first concert when I asked you out.

But all you do is hurt me.
And sometimes it excites me so intensely, you feel to me like nobody ever felt before.
You like my body and I'm like nobody you know.
But you don't show me that you care so much, still you ask me to sit beside you.

And I reach for your hand....
For you to dig your nails into my hand.
On the inside at the bottom my fingers.
I ask you to do it once again after you finish.
That is so intense.

When I’m in the dark and the noises won’t stop.
I call upon the Goddesses to help.
And then when nothing flows we make it.
It’s not easy but I feel them.
And we celebrate later.
I hope they understand that I would rather join them altogether.
But I’m not ready yet.
I don’t know how much longer till I’m where I want to be but they send gifts.
Sometimes I need to pay for them.
That’s fair.
But sometimes the balance needs to be made.
No perfect dream without a nightmare after.
How much celebrating is going to feel ok still?
I’m still here and I just need to escape it.
All the noise and all the feelings.
I want the darkest black and the brightest glitter.
The deepest blue, pink and purple.
And then I swim.
Keep swimming.
Cause I can’t just all day long “keep swimming” without feeling.
I feel too much.
But it’s ok when it’s good.
Good stuff, good energy, it will come.
Like fairy witches, my name will be Nanti Noémy
🧚🏻‍♀️✨✨🌑✨✨🌻

Too busy outside.
Too busy inside.
It’s not much fun to live in this world.
It used to be at least interesting, every morning something new.
Now I just hope for peace.
Being able to do the things that I had planned. But more things start coming in.
The night was not long enough.

Getting up, trying to manage through the day.
Planning for the end.
Trying to exist.
Nothing matters, I don’t care, just some things matter like the people and stuff I leave behind.
When I’m gone and when I’m ready.
When I love and when I’m free, forever I demand.
This is not my place to be so it’s a prison.

Many lessons.
Developments.
Is it for the collective or just me?
I’m a part of everything so it’s never disconnected, but it’s my journey.
Fitted for me.
And I have to get through it.
Accept it, sometimes not accept it, sometimes love something.
But hating most.

Too busy outside, noise.
Too busy inside, stuff to do.
Places to be or not to be.
They used to be opportunities mostly, what can I do, where can I go?

I still try but my path has become so narrow.
It’s even hard to walk at all, every step takes time and courage.
And I don’t like it.
I’m so over it.
The path is long and narrow, it’s my fate.

I needed an angel to talk to.
In the night so I called you.  
As always hell was way too loud for me and my broken body.
Especially last night when I needed an angel to calm me.
I wish I could say: I fought myself through it again like the nights before.
But my body got extra sore.
My mind was extra weak.
Soaking tears were on each cheek.
You calmed the howling dog in hell.
But wore it down with that story you did tell.
Anyhow, you made it stop wailing.
We closed our eyes peace inhaling.
I talked a little to your true angel wife in the sky.
The final thing that got my eyes to dry.
So I turned over.
The next thing I can’t remember......

There's dirt underneath me.
I walk around lost in my body.

A neon zombie.
Through the night.
Neon zombie through the night holding a magic light.
As a guide.

But Everything is aching.
Everything is falling.
And the neon zombie is crawling.
And when it can run, it runs off into space.
Lasers coming from its eyes in a daze.

Although it knows where it belongs and it's not in this body.
Dirt underneath a body.
All around here now and inside of me.
Help, I'm wandering in the space that's left for me not walking freely.

There's dirt underneath me.
I walk around lost in my body.

Still walk neon zombie.
You are never comfy.
With your neon face staring into space.
Before you enter.
Unexpected but always from the centre.

Can I still walk with you, or should I just wait?
So tired of being lost facing this closed gate. (it's closed)
Walking only kills the time and burns away the need and desire.
To not be on fire.

All the time killing time in a tunnel where all babies should die.
And I know why.
It's getting late and it's getting dark.
So sleep before the neon lights spark.

It’s so hard.
Or lonely.
Or both.
It’s so uncomfortable or stressful.
Or both.
It’s full of love.
It’s full of darkness.
And both.

Dizzy in the morning or lonely in the night.                    
You tired or me tired.
Or me all by myself.
No peace.
Ever.
It feels wrong or depressing.

Headaches, heartaches.
Heavy feelings.
What to do and how?
Life is hard when you’re sensitive.
Life is hard anyways.
Where’s the beauty in this darkness?
I seemed to have lost it somewhere far away.
I feel completely lost in dark space.
Nobody to hold.
Tears keep on falling.
Like me in this body feeling too heavy to move.

I’m just going to stay down here.
And see what will happen.
See what I can find.
I’ll stop searching.
I’ll just lie here in the dark.
Knowing what I need.
I made it clear but it’s not here ever.
So I’ll lie down and see where I must go.

I’m here still.
Still for you.
Still for me.
Aching but breathing.
Nothing to lose but still being turtored.
It’s possible when you got nowhere to go.
Crying so much and so hard till I became as numb as you were already towards me.
Cause I make you tired eventually, always.
Now it drained me too completely.
So we try to sleep.
But never together,
never at the same time.....
And I hate this life.

It’s so hard.
Or lonely.
Or both.
It’s so uncomfortable or stressful.
Or both.
It’s full of love.
It’s full of darkness.
And both.

I’m sad, I woke up stressed.
As most days wherever I am.

I hope to create a dreamworld today.
Cause I wasn’t allowed to dream last night/morning.
A new year is coming.....

The December month is over.
We all made it through a year of torture, sadness and love.
Bless you all from the universe.
The mothers that hold you in the silence.
Their energy is divine like yours in your pain!

I wish for dreamworlds for us all:
Better places with people that can feel like we do.
Instead of disappointments, torturing agony/exhaustion/ fighting and needing too many sleep meds....

I wish for love to be spreading and to feel like we want to.
To be free from rules and aggression.
Have something to fight for.
Fight with passion, great energy and love for everybody!

There's no doubt, you're gonna break.
Your body, your mind, your heart.
And two very broken people don't become a whole part together.
Usually it's very complicated.

But they understand.
We're all going to break and we all need to find our way.
When you feel completely broken, just hold on because you got noting to lose.

Easier said than done and nobody really seems to understand how far it has gone.
Out of hand and beyond repair.
But there's a way and a beauty that you carry inside.

A beautiful broken person full of cracks.
Bursting from love and sorrow.

But so powerful.
Knowing it has nothing to lose and still keeps on fighting.
You're going to break.

Maybe more than others and many people won't understand.
Only you will know the way.
The way you break.
The way to go on.
With or without other broken people.
You will love and break and continue to love.

Maybe even break so hard that there's no way out but only in death or dying over and over.
And people will not understand.
But they will see your ''crazy'' smile like you're saying: I've been through it all, and I'm still continuing.

And you do it because you can.
For yourself and because of the love for others and things that can make you feel better.
You're a fighter.
And you will break completely.

Everything of you and everything you like.
And you get up and rise with the power you gained from the knowledge of love and pain.
Bursting, erupting, flying and screaming.
Nothing to lose.
Still fighting.

Till the very end, till there's nothing left for you inside and outside to use in your fight.
And then you leave with a smile cause you can.
You can finally say: It's over now.

You didn't lose, you gave everything and have done everything you had to.
Then it's time to go.

Two broken people don't become whole until they both are gone.
Until they both are whole.
And they meet again.
In their new found form.

When it's time to go.
And you're ready to leave.
Leaving with a smile cause you can.
Then you can finally say: It's over now.

After this week I am somebody else again.
The end of another week of nights of torture, days of agony.....
I'm moving into my final shell from where I'm able to see.
Through a red window I follow the path.

My energy is low cause I wasn't allowed any sleep.
I'm falling so deep into a sleep that I'm woken up out of straight away.
Electrical shocks before that day where I can enter my final shell.
And then it's going to be another massive aching.
A battle of breaking that I have to be taking.

You know I'm bursting everyday and night but all my spirit guides let me be here and fight.
I do receive gifts that I should be happy for, I am but it's always just enough.
Just enough to give it all.
And maybe at some point it's just been ENOUGH!
But I don't even know if the place I'm longing for is that peaceful at all.
It might just be another and much greater type of war.
A cosmic war of energy to end this for once and for all.

But I will be joining the team and I've learned from everything I've felt so deeply and all the sorrow I've seen.
I just need to find the will to take this pill after I've entered my final shell around here.
I should not have any fear of letting go cause it's been enough.
Enough intense suffering, torturing, pain and sorrow.

It's time for love, peace and maybe it will take a huge fight.
I'll see when I arrive.
As long as I'm ready it will not be as scary.
But it is still incredibly scary to let go of just everything you've known since you've been thrown into this world.
This horrific state and place to be in for what seems like 1000 years of imprisonment and torment.

I'm joining this team of freedom warriors and we'll declare that it's our time.
No longer should we be having to go through things that are keeping us down low.
Taking our energy and spirit for life away and burry us in a heavy dark substance where we just need to follow the rules.

The rules are going to be ignored, we're gonna listen to what's good for US from now and rise above all of this horror.
Fly with me to the place where love is real and you can feel it without being down there in thick mud on the floor crying.
Let us scream, no more, NO MORE, NOOO MOOORREEE!!!!

I don’t think I can get through this.
Not another way, time, especially night.
Saw my brain in 1,2,3,4,5.
Saw me in half.
I don’t know.
Call me selfish, break my shell, break my body.
It’s stuck anyway, and it’s been that way since birth.
I know there are ways to set it free.
Many times they don’t work.

Steamed up glass and snails all over my body.
I love sleeping.
Not being destructive when not being comfy.
Dreams and cuddles.
Feverish cold.
Fresh but hot.

Wrapped up in black sheets.
Rain outside.
Dry air in with candles in lanterns.
Dreams and snuggles.
Young and old.
I feel, you feel.

You are save and warm.
My only comfort.
I hold you or wait for you, the best moments.
Dreams and hot drinks.
Coffee and chocolate.
Biscuits and liquor.

Feverish dancing.
Dropping my body.
Swimming in the sky.
Swimming in the steam.
Snails in the greenhouse.
Bath and pool.
Couch and pillows.
Bed and sheets.

I love to sleep.
Able to be with anyone anywhere, being/doing anything.
I close my eyes and they open in another place.
All I feel is you.
Eating without guilt.
No pressure, only pleasure.

With you I found my limits.
And it hurts.
I can't blame you for showing them.
I wish I'd seen them before.
What I'm not able to give you.
While I feel the most intense love all the same.
My hands are shaking.
My head's hurting from walking around with the pain.
I could cry any moment of the day.
But instead I make new plans.
I keep walking.
What else can I do?
Setting you free.
Letting you live.
Letting you love.

Moments, not days.
Trying, not having to.
The best you can, not perfect.
Beautiful, not flawless.
Loving fully, not temporarily for a moment.
Understanding, not demanding.
Somehow making it through.
To see you again being able to function.
Untill not anymore.

To life,

Don’t take this as an angry note please but I’m out of this game. I won’t be scared to fail anymore. I know there will always be something not ok in here. For me that’s what it always has been like. I was called “too sensitive” or “weird” constantly. I tried to explain myself or situations in hope to make a difference. And I hope it shifted some little parts. I was always a part of something far beyond this place. The experience of life. On earth. But this game got me tired like I lived 3300 years instead of 33. I will turn 33 this February. If I make it. And if so I’m still out of the game. Because I’m following my own plan alone. No fears, no care. I’m beyond the caring about things. I will always care about people. Especially the ones who’s journeys have crossed mine and made it worth it. But this game ends for me. The challenges are over, I’m just existing here now. Making the best of it. That alone takes a lot. But that’s all I’m willing to bring to this world from now on. My best without caring so much about it being the best version. Just the version I am. And if that feels too wrong to be here I’ll be gone forever. Out of this game and out of this place for good because it doesn’t feel good. Even worse now. I’m feeling old, tired, worn out, not excited anymore. Thanks for all the things falling into place whenever they needed to. I appreciate it. I’ve noticed it. Thanks for the growth. But there’s been too much decay in me to stay here.

Sincerely,

Sharon
A.k.a Zeena and all the other versions and names before.

Turn it around for yourself.
Within yourself.
You don't have control over everything.
Sometimes it's overwhelming.

But you deserve to give yourself the opportunity to feel better than life lets you feel.
Escape through yourself, feel it inside.
Look it in the eye.
You are the shining light and colours that are blowing.

Your movements are the feeling and the feelings are the movents.
It's you embracing you.
And the universe is everywhere.
Even in this place of terror.
So are your soul sisters and brothers.

Move slowly.
Turn quickly.
Move slowly.
Turn quickly.

You are medicating yourself with toxicity.
Because there's no place for you to live around here.
So you have to be a portal, let the truth come through.
That's how the trash gets out.
Or at least is not around for a while.

Move slowly.
Turn quickly.
Move slowly.
Turn quickly.....

What used to make you happy?
Dancing to that song, feeling like it was still possible to have the energy.
To enjoy being alive.
Inspired by a person or a movie.

Now there are soothing voices of good artists that have passed away.
They made their final albums even after they had died.
But most of them embraced life enough to want to delay that day.

And you are trapped in a loop listening to all they had to share.
And you are still growing untill you join the team of people that feel close to you already.
Some won't dance with you.

Some just speak through the sounds they used to make.
The energy still runs deep.
So deep that when you inhale it, you get shiffers all over.
Sometimes you beg them to make it stop.

But it's a loop.
Turn around and see how much you've grown.
Last year you were young, even in your face and movements.
You danced and sang two whole perfect days after a week in hospital.

Some family and friends watching.
Some watched you dance and sing.
Some only got to watch you in that uncomfortable hospital bed.

Turn it around for yourself.
Within yourself.
The noise will not stop by itself because you give everything.
Things will change and turn and twist you.
Listen inside.

Move slowly.
Turn quickly.
Move slowly.
Turn quickly.

And love.
Love you, love them, feel them as they love you.
Or don't love you, used to love you, still remember, good or bad.

Turn it around for yourself.
Within yourself.
You don't have control over everything.
Sometimes it's overwhelming.

But you deserve to give yourself the opportunity to feel better than life lets you feel.
Escape through yourself, feel it inside.

Move slowly.
Turn quickly.
Move slowly.
Turn quickly.....

Can’t block out all the noise in and outside of my mind by covering my ears.
I’m not learning to have it all just figured out for life, I’m just broadening my mind.
But if you’re dealing with somebody other than yourself you’re not learning alone.
It’s hard to stay within me when somebody is there to be a loving fellow.
And not just flowing easily beside me.
But bumb into me from time to time.
To be inside me head, not just my heart.

I noticed a moment of silence.
So I drowned myself in it.
But then the noise came back.
And now I’m drowning in pain.
Can’t escape.
I tried but I want to stop trying.
I want it all to stop.
I want to drown.
Forever and not wake up from the dreams.

You called me darling.
Last night.
I want another night.
Another dream.
Another deep sleep.
And actually I wish I could stay there…

I'm nowhere, I just want you to hold me and not move.
You don't have to try anything, you got nothing to prove.

When I walk I got a thousand question marks rising above my head.
Why am I still not dead?

I'm nowhere but I see a world in your stare.
Nowhere.

I'm still here and I think it's not fair.
It feels wrong.
I'm nowhere.
I'm really nowhere.
I'm really not there.

Looking around here, a new phase.
Again?!
A new looking face.
Where did my mind go when it ran?
Nowhere.
Only there where it can.

Nowhere and I see you there.
I'm still nowhere.
I will be around
When I'm found.

Look around.
Looking around new face and body.
I just want you to hold me.
You don't have to move.
I'm nowhere, what have I got to prove?

Nothing, I should know by now in this nowhere.
Nothing to prove, not a single care.
In the middle and stuck in everywhere.

I take pictures of nature.
Listen to Eminem on walks.
Alone together with somebody.
So escaping once again in the only place on earth that feels comfy.
It’s over, there’s no point in giving, trying, living.
I’m even going for easy poetry to express myself today.
I’m tired and there’s not much left to go on for.
But an old hotel waiting for me at the end of this month.
And my family to visit at my old hometown.
Hoping that I’ll make it till I’ll go there.
Even though it takes everything out of me.
And I’m not sure what home is for me personally.
I can’t be in this world.

Always hard for me to be with my family and it’s hard to live for them too.
But they can still somehow.
And I can when I try hard sometimes as well.
Would be nice if it was worth it.
If my energy would last a little longer.
I’m not the only one who has this problem.
Let’s hold hands then.
Love me and I come from wherever.
Nothing to lose.
Nothing left that will give me life again but still things to give.
And if it’s worth it, why not?

I don’t know when, I don’t know if I can.  
Not now, but somehow I’ll find you.
Looking around, people, always on the go or struggling.
Or both I’m just watching and I don’t know when and where I’ll go.

Oh come on.
It’s not right.
I’m tuning in to the deep within.
Telling the source of my agony.
Let me go.
I try to let my body fall down into the sky.
And I’ll be fine, I’ll make it through for a while.
I have patience and just be.
Try my best.
But I don’t like it anymore.
It hurts all the time.
It’s not right.
Oh come on.

To all the teachers in the world, which is everybody:
Teachers are never done learning either just because they became a teacher.
Let me draw you a being that represents how I’m feeling.
I want it to be over.
I want to rest.
So so bad.

Oh the pink, the purple, the white, the blue.
And you.
We are a team, me and you.

Nothing actually works.
But I got those written words that I must share.
And where?
Where around the universe will my energy be spread?
When it is finally over.
Around here.

Oh the pink, the purple, the white, the blue.
And you.
We are a team, me and you.

I will not forget the horrors of this world that nobody deserves to ever experience ever again.
I shall do whatever it takes to end it somehow.
A meaningful war of energy caused by too much pain for one human life.
It cannot ever happen to anyone ever again.
It must not!

Oh the pink, the purple, the white, the blue.
And you.
We are a team, me and you.

To life: break me, I’m ready.
Now break me completely.
I've learned to see things from many angles.
But I never found the desired one.
I want to be with the pleiadians.

Oh the pink, the purple, the white, the blue.
And you.
We are a team, me and you.

This beautiful cover of a song from Cocteau Twins takes me away.
Lets me know it's ok.
There will be another place and face.
Wherever I shall go.

Oh the pink.....
Oh the purple.....
Oh the white.....
Oh the blue.....
And you.....
We are a team.....
Me and you.....

Alcohol, spicy foods, the right type of love…
Oh what the hell?!

They keep us well and better but life keeps on being a pain in the ***.

We’re trying our best.
What else can we do?

Trying not to be too destructive in all the madness.
Just to be ok for the people we care for, the next day, the pet we feed…

Endless fields of daisies.
Bare feet and black dress.
It’s still dewy.
I’m still sleepy, tired.
I don’t want to try again to get up and leave.
Be someone else.
I may roll over and dream away if I can.

But there’s a line of laundry.
I’m waiting for the sun to dry it.
So I can shake my clothes.
Before tomorrow I will be done.

The same things now repeatedly daily.
These are the days I didn’t think I’d get to see.
I wanted to die young.
These are the “old daisy days”.
Everything keeps on repeating.

I’m so over trying to get up and leave.
Trying to put on a face.
I can dream in my field feeling so exhausted.
My troubled mind can lay down in daisies.

Waiting for a line of laundry.
Not too long, you don’t want to be having to shake too many eventually.
When the next round hangs to dry.
It wears you down.
Cause it has to be right.
Or it feels too bad.

But now I’m stuck.
And I’m so over everything in here.
I’m so done trying to change or do anything to help myself getting up.
Maybe I should just lift up a foot.
Pick a little daisy.

And take the smallest little steps.
Think in possibilities still.
Nothing to lose.
Lying in a field of old daisies.
With a tired mind.

A man once told me a story.
He was a night guard at a facility.
About how when you do something out of love it’s no longer a task.

And I figured I could try to apply that for many things I have to do.

But nowadays it seems like even out of love it’s not ok.
Dealing with the same old.
I think that’s it, it gets old.
Even for love.

Love doesn’t have to get old but I do and the things I do to.
So even out of love doing them feels bad and exhausting.
It’s not going smoothly.
I’m also feeling lost and out of options to be able to get through life again.

Cause where can I go again?
And starting again feels like trying to fix an old engine.

It runs but it’s still exhausted.
It’s never fresh and new.

I used to lie down in the fields with the hills late at night.
I know here on earth you have to work for what you need, you have to fight....

Looking up to the sky I asked for knowledge about life.
Let me please find out the reason why I have to be here being tortured, why I have to be alive!

I spread my arms and felt the raindrops on my face and my whole body.
Then I went to the tree in the centre, curled up around it asking for a friend to understand me.

Later I did receive the answers from the years and beautiful people that came by.
So now I should be thankful to receive everything I asked for but I still feel I like I could die.

I also learned to claim my power, everybody is allowed to.
It's a power to get what we wish for, we have a right to, me and you.

Let's claim our power!
It's always been our power.
Our!

Tomorrow is a strange thing.
It keeps on happening but you're never there.

So is my longing.
My longing for death.

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

I believe in myself.
I have to do what I have to do.

Somehow.
Somehow I can.

Death is so strange.
Life is insane.

And people take it as fact.
But it's all just an act and a trap.

So,

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

I must, I can't just be sick or old.
Suddenly explode.

No, I must fight.
As always.

But I believe in myself.
I have to do it alone.

Out of love for myself.
Out of love for tomorrow.

The day when I passed away.
And there will be no tomorrow for me.

I'll be off into the far away.
Swimming, living in a tree.

Singing and diving.
Never again dying.

I love you.
Please keep loving me.

And believe in yourself.
Don't let anybody tell you what to do.

Believe in your feelings.
Believe in your love.

Cause,

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

One day it will be that day.
Actually tomorrow.

Then the suffering and torture,
they'll be finally over.

I hate this life out of love.
Out of love I hate the suffering of the people.

One day it will be that day.
Actually tomorrow.

Out of love and understanding.
Out of love for myself and you.

Out of love for the universe.
The love from the universe.

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

Every big sound is like an attack.
Every moment waking is grieving.
Grieving that little peace I had found.
I don’t know what’s going on.
And how you are feeling, my love.
I’m scared so I run to the dark.
Trying to feel save.

I don’t like the days and I don’t like the nights.
I only like parts.
I want to enter the part where I enter dreamland.
Forever.
Even while awake later.
Just outside flying with the wind.
No distraction.
Being what I want to be.
For once and for all.
I want peace and dreams.
In the dark and sometimes in the light too.
But not too light, I became allergic to light.
Cause this life has left me burning and not able to face the brightness of another difficult day.
And the sounds are so horrific that they take my soul to leave it lost in space.
And my body cannot move.
It’s lying there still.

People are mortal.
This world is changing constantly.
It seems so far away but some day we won't move with our bodies.
Going out is different.

Or maybe you'll just go back to another one of all those mortal places.
Well I'd say, I won't follow the light.
I've seen these tunnels many times.
Many different types.

I liked to enter them a lot but I won't go to the end again.
Maybe next time I'll try to resist temptation, not even get in.
Cause you've got to finish what you start like every end has to begin.
So even though I like the sight of a tunnel in the night I'll just leave and go inside myself.

And who will be the guard this time?
Will the feeling be like the vision?
I don't like this world, don't take me back.
Can I trust you when I lookat you?
I'll feel it on the inside.

People are mortal.
This world is changing constantly.
It seems so far away but some day we won't move with our bodies.
Going out is different.

As you know, gut feelings don't lie.
My guard was up with you from the start.
Somehow you broke through.

I never told you a lie.
Or anything that wasn't true.
Still you didn't want to listen.
You let me listen to your problems and pain.
You let me help you.

Your best friend even told me: be carefull, he's so sensitive.
Me too, I told him loudly, extremely.
What about me?

But it was never about me it seems.
Your pride, your ego, I had to have respect.
Respect needs to be earned.

Maybe later you think back to this and learn.
I screamed at you: Why can you not be understanding with me as I'm also deeply hurting and suffering?!
It didn't really seem to get through to you at all....
And so I had to cut you off.

So harsh, the ugly truth inside your perpect looking Persian eyes.
This Viking is leaving, never to return.
No regrets but still torn and angry.
I fought for you before you showed me it had all just been in vain.
Now I still have to see you for 5 weeks untill I'm moving.

Moving away from you forever.
Only left with my true friends to visit.
I hope I'll never have to hear another ugly word from you again or see you after that.
Words and looks of empty pride.
While my good friends are still humble and loyal, I gave you my all.
Foolish little fight, way too big fight to handle cause I could never win this one.
So I'm saving myself again for what's left to be done and fight for now.

You chose to look away when I was in battle.
While I was thinking about your fights constantly.
Did you learn that in your culture?
All autistic women are better off dead than to live with people like you.

You told me your stories, you were a beast in your country.
You're not so much of a changed man.
Nobody can save you from your ego but you.
To think you tried to teach me things about sprituality and everything.
Hope I showed you something....

But I'm leaving.

I used to be scared that people would forget me when I would die.
Now I’m scared that people will remember me for who I’ve become.
My journey in this world has been too long now.
And yet I’m not done.
💀😢💀😢💀

We're all working towards something that's happening later.
Yet it already happened in a timeless realm.
Animals, people, plants... always planning for the future in some way.
Preparing something, for something.
But not constantly and not in every way, just during the night and day.
While creating, escaping, loving we're free, in the moment.
But still we're made to prepare, anticipate, work on ''the future''.
The future that already happened.
It's divine design.
Designed for each individual creature.
Created between stars and planets through time.
And when time's up, it's over around here.

I have a feeling that I need something more than the sunrise and sunset for so long.
Life feels like a box in which I never did belong.
So I'm either tired or seeking for more in vain.
A lot more than sunlight, a little more than rain.

A few more bites, another slice of anything that's nice.
A better place, a warmer shelter, a bigger price.
To compare for the hunger and the pain.
The pain I could never explain.

Because people say and I like to believe that many things should have a reason why.
I'd probably only figure out really how that's true when I die.

I stopped believing in a great ending and stories but I know it all falls into place just fine.
Right now I'm balancing high between two places to fall on a thin line.

Having to decide but falling anyway soon.
In the morning, at night and noon.
I'm in a box.
I'm between two rocks.
Too slipery to climb up.
No backing up.

Watching the sun set and rise.
Wanting to be in another world to finish off in paradise. 🖤⚡️🔥

I’m not afraid of death.
Nothing ever stays the same.
And when I get the slightest form of a feeling of being at home somewhere I lose it again.

I did receive my soulfamily but never a lover.
I couldn’t have one either cause I’m never at home anywhere.
Always moving away, never at ease, being too wilde and yet too tired.

So, no I’m not afraid of death and I’ve seen my path making sense.
It wasn’t in vain even though it’s always been so rough, nearly impossible.
But there’s a space for everything at every time.

What I am afraid of is dying, the process, doing it alone especially.
Not knowing where the journey ends.
But when the journey here will end I’m sure I’d be content.

But how it will is what scares me.
Letting go of my body and everything I know.
Although I was never at home somehow I can’t let it go on my own.
And I’m not sure when I can.

?A question mark tattooed on my forehead.
Still so many questions.
Why is it so difficult to live but even so much harder to die???
And you’ll remain a dream to me.
But I’m gonna enjoy every bit of it.?

The differences only hurt when you can’t read me.
So you keep asking me to read you pages...
It takes forever this way.
But it’s all we’ve got.
And it feels like I did read your book somewhere...
But not completely.
I think I missed a lot of details.
Maybe I shall go back and read some more.
Although it gets so hard to focus.
I’m so extremely tired.
I think I see those lines in your eyes and I hear them in your voice.
Hopefully your eyes won’t turn into mine.

I'm just really looking forward to it.
But I'm still so young.
And the gravity is pulling so ******* my body.
I could almost dive into the tiles I'm running on.
Running through the heavy feeling, running towards the place where I belong.
I'm looking forward to it so much!
Running towards it like running home after having been in labour.
Feeling sick and tired, doing one hard task after another.
Running towards my family.
But my family is still down here too.
One day I'll be there to pick you up when you're running up to this place.
If you fall along the way I'll lift you to embrace you.
Forever cause we made it.
We've already fought these battles down here.
So many from left to right.
But together we'll be home one day.
I'm just really looking forward to it!