At 2:30 in the morning of New Years Day I snuck out of my house

I listened for my parent's bedroom door and the floorboards under my mother's tired feet

I snuck out just to walk and sit and think

Just to feel the adrenaline of being somewhere that i wasnt supposed to be

To feel the liberation in knowing I'd have to be insane to be there

To feel the certainty of being somewhere i needed to be in that moment at 2:30 am on New Year's Day

It is said that we must rid ourselves of fears and leave them behind
Perhaps we should instead embrace them

Learn to grow,
not from,
but with them

Let them be,
not to fester,
but to flow

Accept them,
not to harm,
but to come and go

Calm as a creek,
Strong as a river,
Beautiful as a flame,
Dangerous as a wildfire;
Do not cross a woman
With a mind like the ocean
And a soul made of fire
If you are not prepared for a
storm

Grudges are
emotional mines.

Set to go off
at the slightest...
..........
.........
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.......
......
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.­...
...
..
.
                    BOOM!!!

Kisses.
Sweet and soft.
Childhood.
Innocence.

Faster.
Heavy breathing.
My heart, it beats
I can feel every pump.

Stomach.
Leaping,
Then diving.
Roller coaster.

Clothes.
On, happy.
Slipping, and scared,
Hands grasp at my dress.

Kissing.
Scary.
Breathless, gasp.
Closed mouth.

Faster.
Head spins.
No.
Say no fast.

Stomach.
Dead leaper.
Alive fire.
Tucked into lungs.

Clothes.
Battling hands.
Defeated hands.
Clothes off.

Kissing.
Forced.
Lost consistency
Dead.

Faster.
No, no, say it fast.
Breathe.
Fast pumps.
Pumps of pain.

Stomach.
Empty.
Hollow guilt.
Swelled up alcohol.

Clothes.
Gone, missed.
Coveted bedsheets.
Grasping for cover.

Kissing.
Dead.
No more.
Death.

i wrote you
a letter every day
letters to tell you
just how i feel

written in neat, curved
writing i told you
just how sweet
i thought you were
how you made my heart
glow

letters in which i wrote
with various colors of ink
pouring out my whole being
to you

i wrote you
a letter every day.

i wrote you letters in which
i told you how you made me
bloom.

eventually
i found myself
pressing harder on
the paper
than i had before.

creating tears in them
similar in shape
and size
as the ones
inside of me.

i began to send
letters
with creases
and bumps
and stains
splattered with tears

pouring
from my eyes

as i wrote
the anger
bubbling within me.

my last letter
addressed to you
contained
no words

but was blank.
because
i had none that

could reach
as far

and deep

into the cracks
of my
heart

to describe
just
what you

had left
of me.