If I take the medications
That the doctors say will fix me
Will they actually fix me
Or will they just **** me up more
Make me more insane
Than I already am

My grandma has always known
That I like girls in a way
She knows I have dated girls
I remember when I finally came out to her
She looked at me disappointed
And said " I thought you were just going through a phase... I thought you would just grow out of it..."
This broke my heart into a million pieces
All I wanted was her approval
And all I got was her disapproval
To this day my grandma has treated me different
I feel like the ugly duckling
I feel like the odd one out
And to this day she still tries to set me up with guys
And to this day it is still breaking my heart
She doesn't want me to be gay
She doesn't want me to be me

Have you ever looked in the mirror
And pointed out every one
Of those tiny little flaws
Have you ever looked in the mirror
And thought you are ugly
I am here to tell you
That you are not ugly
You are gorgeous
You are a warrior
You are amazing
You are who you are
And that makes you gorgeous

I have started to notice
I am not the same
My choices have changed me
Into the woman
I am today
I have started to notice
I fear everything more
I don't want to walk outside
Anymore
I hate the world
For what we have become
A hateful Community
That is what we are

You told me you love me
But in the end you left me

I am trapped
Inside my own head
Unable to free myself
From the awful voices
My mind it speaks
Of darkness and hate
Of death and sorrow
I am trapped

I have become
What I fear most
A
Monster

The called her a monster
For what she had become
They called the devil
But oh she was
She became this way from the pain
The torture they had given her
She learned to be hard and cold as ice
For when she was soft
She got walked all over
They are the ones who changed her

I
Sold
My
Soul
To
The
Devil
Because
He
Told
Me
He
Loved
Me

Why wont they leave me alone
These voices they scream for you
You stand off to the side
So close but so far away
You left me so why are you watching me
You left me but you didn’t really leave
You watch me with you devil eyes
Always tracing my steps
I want you to leave me alone
But you wont
I have tried to escape your grasp
But you keep pulling me back
I just want you fucken gone but you wont leave
Please just leave me be
I am begging you
Please leave

Have you ever been afraid of someone you love dying
Them being sent away for war
With mountains and fields and oceans separating you and your lover
Waking up one day to a letter or a call
Of how your loved one was shot or blasted away
Their spirit either being sent up high or down to the mighty depths
When they leave you don't even get a goodbye or an I love you
That sweet voice you always wanna hear
Now will never be heard again
Wishing on the only faint star of the night to bring them back
Leaving you with all the broken promises
And all the broken hearts of the others who loved them
With nobody left to lay with
Grasping at empty spaces of the bed
Wishing for it all to be a lie
Laying their awake at night with tears running down your cheeks
Only wanting that one person to wipe away your tears
And kiss away all your pain and sorrows
Have you ever been afraid of someone you love dying
Well I do and I don't want them to be sent away

You told me you love me
But in the end you left me

I want to die
I remember the first time those words left my mouth
I want to die now
I don't want to die later
I want to slit my wrist and bleed
bleed a deep red showing I am human
and those words hurt that you speak
Maybe those words you spoke to me
I should carve into my legs and arms
For a reminder of what I am
A ****
A *****
A FAT COW
A *****
Maybe I should listen
Listen to those people
Who tell me to go **** myself
Slit my wrist and go bleed out
For I am not wanted
Not needed by anyone
Not loved
Not cared for
I'll carve those words into my legs tonight
Bleed a deep red
Leaving no inch of skin untouched
After that I shall slit my wrist
Like they have been telling me to do for years
I leave the water in my bath tub red
Closing my eyes
I am finally at peace
No people to listen to

I use to see him in a different light
Now I see him in a darker light
A light I can barely see myself in
I hate this light
Its too dark for me to like

The night terrors have returned to haunt me
Not able to sleep alone in my own bed
The monsters in my dreams look like you
The look of being used and hurt by you
When I am asleep with my eyes still open
Scared that they might come alive
And eat my sleeping body

Have you ever loved something so much it hurt
Well when I think about you
And your Non-Existent love for me
It hurts

I think I have a problem
An addiction
To a substance
So deathly dangerous it could **** me
But my addiction
Oh how I love my addiction
It pulls at my skin with a mighty strength
Pulling me closer to my end
But honey my death would be bitter sweet
I am okay dying for something I love
Cause honey you are my addiction
And you are slowly drowning me
In my own tears
Torturing me with hurtful expressions and words
But honey I'm okay if you **** me

I'm living in a broken world
A broken world
Surviving without you
A painful destiny
A destiny granted to me
To live without you

I think I have finally found my missing piece
And
That missing piece was you

He has finally noticed me
He has noticed my interest
He has noticed me
Now I must keep him noticing me

We talked
You were funny
Now I like you
Do you like me
I don't know
I wish you would tell me
If you do like me
Why don't you tell me

I don’t know why
But every once in awhile
I get in this mood
In this mood all I want to do is
Die
I do not see a point in
Anything
All I want to do is
Give Up
I want to give up on
Everything
But then I find something that makes me
Happy
It is a cycle you see
A cycle I can never escape

She heals in a way that is not understood
She heals herself
By putting herself down
She heals herself by hating herself
The hate which makes her stronger
Hate that turns into love
She hates herself to heal herself

She always thought that he noticed her
He saw her in a different light
Then anyone else had
She thought that he had love her the way no on has
He treated her like a princess
But that light had faded
That love had gone
The princess disappeared
But this made her stronger
Now she strives on her own
To live her life as her own

I always told myself
I would take a bullet for you
And you would take a bullet for me
But now I know that if I ever had taken a bullet for you
You wouldn't have pushed me away and take the bulllet for me
Because you shot me
You shot me with your own bullet

The ocean

Is so

Peaceful and calm

I wish

I was

Like the ocean

I wish to succeed in life
I wish to find love
To get married
To have kids
I wish to grow up to be a role model  
For my own kids
That when people say who do you look up to
They will say with the biggest smile my mother
I wish to be the woman my biological mother never was
The mother she never was
The wife she never could be
I wish to find a love that will warm my heart
Love that gives me the feeling
That I am needed  
I wish to succeed in life

I don't know why
Every time you walk past me
My stomach turns
Your smile makes me happy
Your eyes make me dream
Dream of looking into them
If only you would notice me
In a small English class we share

Look me in the eyes
Tell me you didn't
That you did not love
That you never loved me
Look me in the eyes
And give me the stone cold truth
Look me in the eyes

She looked at him
He looked at her
The love in his eyes had faded
But her love had gotten stronger
He gave up on her
But she wont give up on him
And now she is getting smothered
Smothered by her own pain

People keep telling me to just give you up
People tell me you are not worth it
Not worth the tears
Not worth the pain
I have cried to people
I have never thought I would cry to
I cry over you
I never thought I would
But maybe I should give you up
But for now
I am just going to keep having fun
And drowning in my own pain

She
Closes her eyes at night
Thinking if it will ever get better
This life she was born into
She  
Always imagines  
What it would be like
If she was her
She  
Imagines what it would be like
If she lived in a different body
One that was not her own
She
Will grow up
Wishing she was different  
In a different body  
She  
Will not give up
Even though she will never be someone else
She will always be her
She

I wish I didn’t love you
I wish you weren’t around
But when you leave
I feel a craving for you
Stronger than anything
I have ever felt

I have made some new rules for myself
These rules are for me to get over you
Cause I don’t need you
NUMBER ONE
Stop crying kayla
That only makes it worst
I have cried for to long now.
NUMBER TWO
Delete all photos
You don’t need them anymore
They are just memories That don’t belong
NUMBER THREE
Give back sweaters
Burn all letters
Get rid of all stuffies
NUMBER THREE
The hardest of all rules
Break all ties
Cut all contact
If I follow these rules
I will succeed in my life
If I let you go
I will be happy again
If only I could
I could follow these rules
Then I would be able to let you go

I was the beauty
He was the beast
I loved him
He didn't love me
I wanted him
He wanted the Knife
I sipped my wine
As he stabbed me twice
I was the beauty
He was the beast
But he killed the beauty
With his only knife

I
Loved
You
But
Now
I
Hate
You

I can feel my heart breaking
For you have smashed it to pieces
I love you still though
Being stupid as I am
I trusted you
Now I have lost
The only thing that really mattered to me
You
You
You
My everything has always been you
And it will always be you

I have this pain  
I have never felt before  
I don’t know why  
I only feel it when I think about you  
Your face and your smile  
Your eyes and your hands
I don’t know why it had to be
I try to stop thinking about you  
But I cant  
It’s like I have an image of you  
As the wallpaper of my brain
I still have your sweater  
From that dreadful night
The night I felt as if my heart  
My heart was going to jump out of my chest
But instead of it jumping out of my chest  
                                                                    I gave you my heart  
The first day  
That we began our short adventure
You pulled at the string  
You tore at its seams
When you returned it to me  
It was all broken and torn  
Maybe this is the reason  
My heart feels this way
I remember those dreadful words
They left your mouth and hit me as their target
I don’t love you anymore
That has enough power to knock the strongest of us down
Just like how you knocked me down
I still love you though
I will love you till my last days

Imagine a world
A world of flowers
Flowers so bright
Imagine a world with no pain
A world of no hurt
Where everyone wears a smile
Imagine a world where everyone is friends
No one is the one left out
The ugly duckling isn’t so ugly
Just Imagine
That’s all it is though
Imagination
In the real world
The flowers are not all bright colors
There is no such thing as no hurt
Not everyone is friends
The ugly duckling is still the ugly duckling
Imagination is not real
Imagination is just make belief
Imagination is fake

I'm
   Not
           A
              Poet
                    I'm
                           A                                                                    Experiences
                                Believer                                                  My
                                              Of                                      And
                                                  Writing                 Feel
                                                             About        I
                                                                      How

I knew loving you  
             Was a mistake
                     But it was
                             A mistake
                                         I was
                                              Willing
                                                          To
                                                              Make

I need to learn
How to love myself first
Before
I can love you
The love that you only have
When you try to stick you’re hands
Down my pants
I need to learn how to
Love myself first

He always told her
That he would
Sweep her up
To rescue her
From the monsters
The monsters in her head
But when the monsters
They came out
He ran as fast as he could
To find someone else
Someone else to sweep up
That didn’t have the monsters
The ones that she had.

I love him
He loves me
I hate him
He hates me