This confusion has me going mad , as I sit, music up loud as I drown in my thoughts as this cloud of Pain follows straight into my dark moulded soul filled with screams & cries of help ; this good heart he once had would just melt giving up on everything with glad .Everyone left him but he's not surprised he's used to it & allowed himself to just confide in his own hurt ; funny thing is he gave his all & thought he actually had friends & family who cared but then they left one by one now having a beware sign on his neck .....
Yes he acts up & changes at times but do you know his story did you realize his struggles & sacrifices made just to be here today ; his fight just to stay sane & keep that crooked smile on his face & keep the "are you ok?"questions away.
Try meeting him talking to me , struggled mind twisted thoughts ; this he decrees that one day it'll all be fine & a smile to wake up & sleep to will be brighter than a new dime & he'll be cherished better than life itself ...


        This poem isn't for those of small minds but open & comprehensive.      ~Chilled

It’s odd...
I find that we’re so close but I’m still alone, you guys talk to me & calm me
Ease me but don’t you see my demons feed on the happiness anyone brings to me .
I can’t be saved , more damage is to be done
I’m hid & fought ; tried to run & forgot
You can’t outrun yourself .
I’m not great or perfect but I’ve always gave my best ;
Others just look & see ; sometimes questions “how broken can you be?”
“What’s going on in his head ?” I’ll give a hint rather an answer , a few words to put it all to bed..
If I go any deeper to the darkness I’d rather just be dead .

You lured me in , I fell for your lies
I fell for your lust-filled words & you looked into my eyes .
You brought my past back , you said you wouldn’t ; I told you I loved you & your reply was you couldn’t .
I gave you everything I had left & all you did was threw it away , I have nothing left but this dulling gaze ; this slow beating heart that’s ready to give way .
I felt it was too perfect , too good to be true , I was way to happy when I was with you . I’m not made to be happy , only to feel pain but I’m the one to blame .
I should have sticked to my promise never to fall again but who was I not to let someone like you in .
Now it’s final I’m no longer whole , just a hollow body with a corrupted soul .
A corrupted soul with a cold heart attached , a bleeding wrist & alcohol on my left . I’m done for good no more soul searching for me ; Cursed souls like ours aren’t meant to be happy .

Is this death ..
Is this what it feels like...
To be dead inside .
This feeling is deeper than any I’ve felt before , I’m so far in , lost my way from I stepped through that door .
The pills , alcohol, drugs & my mind have all taken over ; I no longer have control & wished I was sober . I’m endlessly falling , doubt I can be saved as the music plays I stare up at the stars in a gaze .
The tears were flowing like a river but dried up after , feels like I’m crying but it doesn’t matter .
What’s worst is the voices are quiet & I can feel them just watching , stalking me as I fall , laughing as I call for help .
This feeling is deeper than any other , number than anything I’ve felt . I don’t know what to do or say or even how it should be dealt .
If this is death then I’ve died over & over ; I can’t even feel my heart beat or my mom rubbing my shoulder .
Now times frozen & everything’s quiet but in my mind is a raging riot , in my mind a battle between life or death . If you feel this way then you’d know how much of life’s wreck I am .

No one will truly understand
Understand the real me .
As I stand looking in the mirror
At this broken figure
Water flowing out the eyes & as Depression flees from the scene .
Laying down looking at marks on this washed up soul next to me & thinking screaming someone help
Oh help me from this pain as my life is in jeopardy , just watching this 3 inch razor come closer to then rescue me from this shattered pain .
Oh this life I live I'm sick & tired of it criticism , lies , heartbreak .. just why?
Family friends all against me what did I do ? Did I not love all of you equally as I once loved myself ... but it's too late to save a whole state from my ruptured soul I call my depression state..
                                          ~chilled

It’s not bad that I wanna die
It’s not bad that I wanna let go ;
It’s not a phase that I’m going through
Just tired of life on the whole.
Just tired of being drained ,
Tired of not sleeping
I’m mostly tired of my wounds deepening .
Let me be , let me be free & remember me or not but I couldn’t take it anymore ,
The recent nights of screaming & crying on my floor
But hey I wouldn’t be hated anymore , hurting at all & the voices would leave me alone
I may finally get some peace .
Funny thing is I’ve escaped death so many & when the time comes hope it doesn’t hurt plenty
Hope it’s quick & before you know it ...
It’ll be like now I don’t exist .

Falling so deep in thoughts , as I drown in this ocean of pain & streams of sorrows ; thinking of the horrors which await me at the end.

Suffocating but not from water ; the depression which holds me down & puts me down to a coma where I sleep only seeing flashes & shadows of pain & hurt .

Something about this pain is new it cuts deeper & enters sleeker than the blade he used before. Also the screams are getting louder & walls are closing in ; he honestly can't win .
Overcoming every battle which came before but this one is unbeatable; don't waste tears on him as he faces his fears trying once more but gives up in the end .
Hating will be factor , pain will be a virtue , crying becomes a hobby & loneliness his home view .

In short order he'll fall & begin to question why again ; then the silence begins killing him softer than the words lied "I love you " which came to his ears over & over again .    
      
                                ~Chilled

Do you know the true meaning of sleepless nights ? It's not staying up watching tv & on your phone ; it's drowning deep in thoughts all alone , having nightmares when your eyes shut & fighting back tears.
Sitting up or laying down thinking you overcame them but just encounter new fears , heartaches , depression & maybe a life at stake .
Ever just stared at the ceiling or stars ,wanting to be up there ? Free from mistakes & bypassing thoughts of death as these sleepless nights then become routine & the screams grow louder in protest for you to give up & in to this not thick but thin life.
These oh so sleepless nights are dreadful & exhausting physically & emotionally but when it happens all you can do is hope to sleep again .
  
                                    ~Chilled

It hurts & burns sooo much ; honestly can't take it anymore .
I'm all alone with no one to look upon no one to count on or shoulder to cry on ; everything hurts as my knees hit the ground & my head falls back & these tears flow down my face to my neck .
I scream & shout as the voices get louder so do I ; but it's the last straw holding his head as he rest on the door knocking it hard .
Have you ever seen a child cry so much , have you ever heard a scream so loud ? Begging for help ...
Cries himself to sleep each night fakes smiles each day , deep thoughts everyday & it finally took him away;
He never woke back up as he was killed by his own thoughts  & child's play but what can you say to someone who goes through a bigger & harder situation everyday
"Everything will be okay one day " nah it just gets harder & sooner or later it'll **** you & you'll just fade away ...... like he did on this day

                         ~Chilled

It’s 4:30am & the mornings rolling in , voices are getting louder & my hearts worsening .
My soul freezing over & hope no longer existing , but I have one wish it’s to be ended quick ;
I have one wish it’s to be happy & free
I had one wish I thought it was you + me .
I hoped these wishes would all come through but all I’ve gotten is a disappointing feud.
All I’ve gotten was hate but never regret , it just shows I tried while you played forget .
It’s 5am  ; how much more can I take , how long until the voices make me quake .
How long before I give up & they take over , if this comes through I’d never be sober
I’d be filled with scars , id be worst than I am now , id no longer have a heart .
It’s 5:45 am , I’ve got a noose for a necklace , the voices wanna play hangman & leave no connections .
The games beginning now I’ve got to go , I’m about to be famous for letting go.....

I've tried time & time again ,
Tried making everything right.
Tried fighting the good fight  in myself , thinking it'll all be okay ;thinking that one day you'll love me for me or even love that I'm all about being alone then actually committing to somebody...
I live this dark struggle of life struggling mother, no father , unexplained ailments & falling disorders ; this life will never be easy as I try cry & pretend to be happy when I'm just dying inside hoping to go on one day to world of spirits but I'm not gonna quit until I feel happy
Happy not only for me but those around me & that the right one will find me & Turn these dark struggles into dust lines & calm that rough storm brewing inside of me ...
                                        ~Chilled

The journey is almost over ,
The pain has almost surfaced
The voices are leading me in one direction & it’s almost the end.
I’m no longer scared to go ,
I just wanna let go
Be free from all of this
The thoughts memories & bad habits ; the hurting , the lies , the pain & tears running down my eyes .
Don’t talk about how I was young with potential , don’t say I shouldn’t have done it ; remember I didn’t take your help but was always influential .
Helped everyone but myself ,
Overdosed with no help
Cried all alone & always felt numb .
Numb to the world, numb to life
Numb to the good and bad
The happy & sad , the triumphs & fails but your prays won’t prevail .
The journeys almost up & the sand is almost at the last grain . Just know it’ll be done in silence during my favourite weather .... the rain .

What you feel ?
It hurts so badly when
You come to know that
They can hear you
But never understand .

Sleepless nights eat me alive
As all i want is rest
Doubt is a pain to lonely
To know that this pain
Is heavy on my chest.

I've hidden so much
Only given pieces of my life
But you can never see the pain
Until you've stared into
These stones eyes.