People often make the mistake of interpreting depression as just a sadness but in reality it's much deeper, much more exhausting, it's like through a black hole watching yourself dying.
You want to help, you want to save yourself, but there's no energy to lend rescue. I seemingly became an evil fiend, latching on to my own soul & depleting the faith, soon tears would rush to my chest & day through night I laid in my room a demon crying.
Depression is a soundless burglar, you don't ever hear him breaking in. Strangely enough once he's in, you won't care if he stays, you won't ever ask him to vacate. You'll decorate the guest room with your own pain, seas of your own tears, monuments of your own fears and play a great host.
With every new sun, I felt less alive. Every breathe felt like a burden and every chance of danger was something i welcomed. He made me ungrateful for life, I felt like I was drowning but didn't care much to make it back to the coast.
To be depressed is to be in a track meet i always dreamed of running in & feel no joy, zero excitement, all the athletes are full of adrenaline & i'm filled with a yearning for isolation, an addiction to darkness & loud silence, in that crowd I felt alone.
To be depressed is to lay with women as beautiful as Acoma Iris blossoming in the spring. Women I used to dream of as I was ridiculed, chastised & told I wasn't attractive enough & feel not a single emotion! No pleasure nor excitement & these are Goddesses I would usually write poetry about, soon I feared my soul was gone.
To make matters worse people would seek conflict with me because of my appearance, because I appeared attractive or strong? I don't know but, my silence came off as arrogance when it was really my cry for assistance, for somebody to pull me out of the shadows & I could return to trying to inspire the youth.
As I disintegrated in Fires colder than my lifeless heart, I would reflect on how the Lord called home my Father, my cousin, and now my uncle, now my pastor & every night in my prayers for help I would ask "Lord can I just come sit next to you?"
Percocet meals had the only nutrition that gave me the strength to get through my days. If tested by the NCAA that's my scholarship gone, some would say my future, so comprehend I had gotten so low I just desired to endure the present, me having a future seemed so far fetched.
Depression shuts you down & it was terrorizing being a depressed athlete, not a regular student I couldn't just shut down. I had practices, meetings, lifting I couldn't afford to miss & so Alarms were set an hour ahead because it took me that long to gather the strength needed to get out of bed.
Zoloft, Prozac, Oleptro, anti-depressants unworthy to survive the battles in my soul, for an antidepressant to help me they would need the strength of Christ. Soon I stopped looking for hope, satisfied by the comfort of Percocet I search no more & suddenly she was there.
I really don't know how it came to play or why it happened, they say when you stop looking what you were looking for appears. I had so much to say & she would lend me her ears talk to me at night & help me forget my fears. A light in the darkness, I seen a spark, a glimpse of emotion, something I had not felt it what seemed like years.
Clueless, I would soon come to witness she was an angel sent by Lucifer, the last amount of anguish needed fracture my soul, the straw that broke the camels back, the last kick to my will. She was my payback for the deceptive things I hadn't done in so long.
Imagine being incapable of emotion in the midst of events and scenery that produce celestial emotion in others. Imagine being so lifeless & Siberian you couldn't feel your own sadness & then after an eternity of torment you finally feel it all & that person tells you the fact that you're feeling is what is wrong.
I used to think Karma was a myth set out by adults to make me tread my actions carefully. But now I realize karma is as real nematophagous fungi, an ambush predator waiting with flawless timing, waiting to tear you apart, to bring you down.
At war with Karma & Depression I no longer could fight these battles alone & I turned to the father, to my Lord and savior, to the only man worthy to wear a crown.
It took many times hearing the Lord speak through a mortal vessel to pull me out of a humid darkness I could not step out of alone. & to anyone who might be secluded in shadows, turn to the lord, & I promise rescue and aid he will send.
Do not be as foolish as me, do not run into battle unarmed requesting your own demise. Explain your silence if you can, and don't shelter yourself from the ones that care. Don't fake smiles until you're back to a dark room filled with pain that shouldn't comfort you, don't end up experiencing bleakness during once in a lifetime moments & realize you're standing in front of cameras a depressed All-American.
"All-Depression" - Dash Pinder