Tears
So many painful tears
Tears shed late at night
When no one can see them

Quiet sobs
Echo into the black
Almost silent
To not wake the family
They cannot see my pain

My soul is empty
Evacuating my body with each exhale
As if there is no room
With the demons
That enter with each inhale

I force a smile
An empty and pretend smile
With broken laughter
And pretend light in my eyes

16 years of practice
I've gotten good at pretending
Outsiders never notice
The lifelessness in my eyes
Or the emptiness in my smile

I'm even starting to fool
The ones closest to me
The people who see me
Nearly every day

I could probably fool myself
Into thinking I was okay
If it wasn't for my heavy, broken heart
If it wasn't for my lifeless soul
And clouded mind
I could probably fool myself

How do people live like this?
I wouldn't really even call this living
It's going through the motions
Faking it until you make it

When will I find rest?
When does it get easy?
Because I'm questioning my strength
The strength everyone says I have
Even though
They can't feel my burdens
And my pain

Even connected with God
I feel all alone
In the war in my head
It seems unwinable
Impossible

I want to end it
The pain
The tears
The suffering

I pray to God
Almost every night
To just **** me
Let me die in my sleep
So I can escape the world
And finally be at peace

But I wake up
Every morning
Just as empty as the day before

Suicide isn't an option
Even though it is so tempting
So so tempting
But if God won't **** me
There must be a reason

But I don't see one
I'm a monster
I'm destruction
I'm chaos

I love my family
So I fight for them
Even if I feel abandoned
And rejected
And alone
Because when I love
I love with my everything
And I almost never stop

So I cry myself to sleep
As an attempt to ease the pain
I quietly sob into my pillow
Praying for an escape
That I know won't come