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212 · May 2018
I'm Sorry
Phoenix May 2018
Im sorry i push
Im sorry i build walls
Im sorry i snap
Im sorry my moods swing

Everything is blown up
Everything is warped
Everything is twisted
A small problem to you
Is a tower ready to crush me

You wont understand
I know that
But dont get frustrated
Because i know

I know im being ridiculous
I know im being illogical
I know im being dramatic
I know im being exaggerated

I know

Yet i cant help it
Im trying like hell
Im working really hard
Im fighting through it
Im working on chipping at the tower
So it doesnt crush me

Normal things to you
Like school and work and a social life
It blurs together for me
It molds and warps into an ocean
An ocean of rough seas and deep water

In the simplest problem
I drown
I sink to the bottom like a stone is at my ankle

I sink so deep that i can barely see the surface
The end or solution of the problem is only visable through moving water
So i cant tell
I cant see
I can't focus

When i concentrate really hard
I can see it
I know how to fix it
I know what to do
But then it gets blurry again
The waves wash over me once more
And im alone
Drowning in the depths of anxiety
Completely alone because no one can hear me cry
No one can feel the burn in my lungs as i gasp for air
No one can hear the muddled and clustered thoughts that crash in my head

Im drowning
Im drowning and i know how to fix it
But its really hard for me
You say its simple
But to me, its not
Its like swimming in a rough ocean
With a rock tied to my ankle

So im sorry
Im sorry im not strong
Im sorry i exaggerate
Im sorry i dramatize
Im sorry im over the top
Im sorry i cant fix it
Im sorry im not good at this
Im sorry i havent gotten it quite

Im working on it
Im fighting
Im swimming
Im climbing
Im doing whatever it takes to be on top with you
Because i love you
And I want to be with you
211 · Oct 2015
Broken
Phoenix Oct 2015
Broken ribs
Punctured heart
Broken memories
Punctured lungs
Wasting away
Blinded eyes
Am I alone
I can't breath
My heart is broken
My screams are choked
Can you hear me
Can you see me
I'm wasting away
My life is short
Do you care
Do I care
My heart is broken
My memories are broken
Everything is broken
210 · Oct 2015
Rose
Phoenix Oct 2015
Softest touch
Of the peddled rose
But in one place it will stand
So young
So sweet
So innocent
It rises to the sun
Not afraid to shine
So many try to cut down
The small piece of paradise
It's thorns are tiny daggers
Ready to protect
So the softness of the rose
Is protected by the thorns
Innocence maintained
Beauty adored
210 · Nov 2015
Power of You
Phoenix Nov 2015
Stomach flips
Heart in throat
Clammy palms
Anxious steps

It's all of your fault
Your stupid face
Poisoning laugh
And terrifying voice

The power you have
Is incredible
Truly unfathomable

One word from you
Can ruin my world
Can break me down
Can hurt me deeply

You know me too well
You know how to cut deep
You know my weakness
You know my flaws

I gave you everything
And so much more
Now we're done
And you can use it against me

Your promises are just words now
Words that made me swoon yesterday
Make me cry today

So I'm kind of at a loss
Unsure what to do
I can't breath
I can't survive

Since you have control
The power you have
Is incredible
Truly unfathomable
Phoenix Sep 2016
Envy

Lust

Anger

Greed

Joy

Hope

Sadness

Anxious

Happy

Emo­tions
What is the point of emotions?
Get attached
Get hurt
Be alone
Get hurt

Emotions are a poison
And a cure
All at the same time

You can't live with them
But you can't survive without them

My jealousy
My anxiety
My depression
My envy
My lust

They destroy me
They widdle away at me
Making me feel like a monster
Making me feel pathetic

My joy
My hope
My faith
My trust

They shine a light
In my darkness
But they only last for a fleeting moment
Before they begin
Their destruction

All of these emotions
Spin in my head
And my heart
Constantly
24/7
And I can't shut them out
I can't shut them up

They are voices in my head
That battle to be in the spotlight

They make me weak
They make me strong
They tear me down
They build me up

What's the point of emotions?
When they seem like bad luck

It feels like a cruel joke
As they spin
And spin
And spin
In my head

The worst of them all though
Isn't one I have said
For the worst of them all

Is *love
204 · Dec 2015
Deal With It
Phoenix Dec 2015
**** it up
Bottle it up
And put it all away

Weakness isn't an option
Vulnerability is pathetic

Don't let them close
You will be hurt
So much more

Smile
Hide it
Don't let it out

Ignore the flashbacks
Ignore the memories

You can handle the pain
You need those walls
Build them up
Shelter the pain

No one else
Needs to know
How broken you really are

Just show the surface
But don't look for pity
Pity makes it worse
But you know that

**** it up
Bottle it up
Hide the pain
It doesn't matter anyway

You can cry later
Feel the pain in silence
Cry yourself to sleep
When no one else is watching

Weakness isn't an option
And vulnerability is so pathetic
This isn't me telling you what to do. This is a lecture I've told myself. I just wanted to write it down. Maybe even show people I'm close to...
202 · Oct 2016
Dear Abusive Ex
Phoenix Oct 2016
How did you see me?
     Why did you choose me?
        What made me different than everyone else?

   Did you think I was some kind of *****?
     Some type of ****, who would play your games?
        Or did you find it fun to rip away my innocence?

   I remember some of the things you said
     I remember them word for word
       And I can't seem to forget them

   We had a fight that lasted an hour
      Because I wouldn't have *** with you
        You told me you deserved it
           You told me to be a lesbian if I didn't want to further the relationship

    I told you no about something
      And then you wouldn't even touch me
        Because I didn't give you what you wanted
          You told me that you wanted a girlfriend who did what you wanted when you wanted
            And you were ****** because I didn't want to

   You used me
     You abused me
        You manipulated me
           And twisted my faith to fit your wants

    How do you see me now?
       Do you see a scared little girl?
          Who panics at the sight of you?
             Or do you see me as a strong woman?
                Who has the strength to fight?

   Did you ever really care for me?
     Or did you just care for what I'd do?

   Do you care about me now?
     Watching me grow and bloom without you?
        Do I cross your mind?
          Do you regret using me?
            Or would you do it again if you had the chance?

   Did you cry when I left you?
     Did you feel remorse for pushing me?
       Did you know that I wanted to **** myself over the pressure from you?
         Did you know I was afraid of you?
            Did you know I hated myself if I said no?
               Did you know I would've followed you anywhere because I was blinded from the attention you gave me?

   Did it ever occur to you that I was a human with emotions?
     Did you know you would damage me permanently?
       Did you know you would cause so many flashbacks that I would have trouble focusing?
         Did you know I would cry whenever I thought about you and everything you made me do?

   Do you know about these things that happen to me?
     Do you feel bad?
       Do you feel remorse?
         Do you hate yourself or are you proud?
           Do you look back at us and smile or cry?

   I hate you
    You took everything from me
       You took my innocence and purity
         You took my confidence and self-worth
            And the worst part of it all

    This happened over two years ago
      Two. ****. Years.
        But here I am
          Still hurt
            Still questioning you
              Still crying over the Hell you put me through and how blind I was

   I don't say this often
     But I hope you go to Hell
       Where you will burn for eternity

   I hope you die alone
     And no woman ever falls for your charm

    I want these things for you
      Because I hate you
        I hate you with a passion

   It's ironic really
     Especially considering I promised to marry you
       And run away to New York as soon as we turned 18
          And now I hate you
            And wish I had never met you

Sincerely,
  Your once nieve ex,
     Monica
201 · Nov 2016
Shit Storm
Phoenix Nov 2016
Click
We have a problem, over

Silence

What is it, over

Silence

Click
We're about to hit a Major **** Storm

Silence

I wait for a response
As silence echoes through my head
And all around the room I'm in

Click
Hello? Over

More silence

You're on your own, over.

I drop the radio in shock
Realization hitting me like a ton of bricks
I stare ahead of me
Jaw dropped
Eyes wide

It approaches me with such force
And speed
It almost feels like I'm running at it
Even though I know I'm staying in one place

The dark clouds
Are a dark purplish gray
With sparks of electricity
Weaving through it
And lashing out at nearby things

I can see the metaphorical storm brewing
As if it were dark clouds with thunder and lightning
And I watch in horror

Part of me wishes it was a real storm
Because with real storms
You know what to do

But I have *no idea
what to do
**** is about to get real
It's about to get ugly

I'm preparing myself for everything
That will hit me
In the next two hours
But I have a feeling
That no matter what I do
I'm not going to be ready

Why am I so afraid?
Why am I so scared,
Of a metaphorical storm?

I guess because
In a way
The storm is real
People just can't see it like me
Or maybe they can
I'm not sure

I feel like I'm going to *****
Or have an anxiety attack
Or maybe even both

Because my heart is either pounding too fast
Or not at all
And my stomach
Is twisting in so many ways
That I'm not sure was even possible

The countdown to Hell begins
So wish me luck
As I face the **** Storm
That comes at me with such force
201 · Oct 2015
Questions
Phoenix Oct 2015
Gasping for air
Nothing seems real
Thoughts as thick as blood
Blurred lines
What's okay?
Blurred thoughts
Am I insane?
Spinning mind
When will it stop?
Will I ever be stable?
Is there anyone else out there?
*ANYONE JUST LIKE ME?
201 · Aug 2016
Dressing Room Demon
Phoenix Aug 2016
The lights seem extra bright
Just like a spot light
As I stand alone
In the room

There are three of me
In one place
Moving in sync

But there is a forth presence
His hands trace up and down my arms
Sending chills down my spine

I turn to face him
But no one is there
Because I'm alone
Physically

He plays games in my mind
He's so real
I can feel him
Hear him
Almost see him

I stand alone
Completely exposed after trying a dress
The mirrors reflect me
Show me everything

His hands run over my body
Amplifying every flaw I have
Exposing my weaknesses

He destroys me
Tears me down
And leaves me for dead

I hold my breath
And bite my lip
To stop it from quivering
The tears can't come
Too many questions follow

Quickly I dress
But he still moves around me
In and out of my thoughts

He crushes the pillars of my mind
Slowly
Inflicting pain everywhere

He moves from me
To my boyfriend
Tearing at me

Telling me he doesn't love me
I'm too ugly
I'm fat
I'm pathetic

I can't block him out
Block out his sound
His voice
His words

They sound so real
So true
Sometimes I can't help but believe them
201 · Apr 2016
Late Nights
Phoenix Apr 2016
I hate late nights
It's when the wicked comes out
It's when the demons come out to play

Worthless
Pathetic
Meaningless
The little creatures
In my head say

But people say
I matter
They say I'm important
And that they'd miss me if I was gone
I reply

Really?
How are you so important?
They don't even notice you're hurting
You must be real important
They retort

Mom noticed
So did Brett

But you told them
You told them you were hurting
The demons in my head
Point out
To add insult to injury
They continue
Not to mention how ugly you are

My head hurts
Brett says I'm beautiful
So do my parents
And my friends

Face it chica
People lie
Have you looked in the mirror
You have blemishes
You have stretch marks
You have bags under your eyes
You smile is hideous
How can you stand to be seen in public?
They scoff

I've got to be pretty to a degree
Right?
Strangers have said so
I wouldn't have had so many people like me at once
If I wasn't pretty
I argue

You're somewhat kind personality
Might have something to do with that
When you're not being a sarcastic *****

I'm not like that all the time anymore
I've gotten a lot better

So what?
It doesn't make up for anything
You're never going to get anywhere in life
How do you expect to get into art school?
You plain out ****
Nothing you do can ever change someone's life
Nothing you do is meaningful

I don't say anything

How do you expect to get a job later
When you terrified to get one now?
You're so pathetic
Just a waste of space

Shut up
Stop
Just stop!

What?
Afraid of the truth?
Afraid to confront the reality of your life?
How long until you realize
You're nothing but a failure
It's never going to be enough
Never

My throat goes dry
Maybe you're right
Maybe I'll never make a difference
But I can't leave
I've made promises
I know, 100%, that some people would miss me
So I've got to stick around
My eyes fill with tears
My stomach churns

I lay in bed
The dark feels like a predator
Ready to devour me whole

Tears cover my cheeks
As I lay there
Waiting for sleep to come
And the late night to pass

Because I hate late nights
It's when the wicked comes out
It's when the demons come out to play
199 · Sep 2023
Scrapbook Poem 1
Phoenix Sep 2023
The time of man
Chooses the future

Is it true
or only a violent episode?

The growth of the unique
Are revolutionizing our ideas

Stripping away the broken
In public by an audience of connoisseurs

The king is dead
What will the robin do then, poor thing?

Suds in your eye
Household words

Two thousand years of war
Enjoyed at home
In a city in love with
The critic's view
I took clips of words from magazines and made a poem from them in my journal. I thought y'all might like it too.
194 · Apr 2018
My Past
Phoenix Apr 2018
Heart ache but not quite a heart break
Happiness exchanged for sorrow
Tears exchanged for my smile

I didn't want this
I grew up too fast
I learned things before I was ready

Now it's all I know
Now I can't break it
And it hurts him
The one I hold dearest

He distrusts my words
Because of my past actions

He distrusts my feelings
Because of my present actions

I feel numb
With an aching heart
And broken spirit

I apologize relentlessly
But it never seems enough
Because I'm addicted to my actions

My past has caused damage
Damage to me
And everything I believe
And everything I do now

It haunts me
It drains me
It kills me

Yet, I can't seem to stop
I can't seem to fix it
And I'm helpless
191 · Nov 2015
Afraid #2
Phoenix Nov 2015
I can't see
Why you did this to me

I don't understand
Was this part of your plan

Why do you hurt me
Even when you're so far away

I can't move on
For I am afraid

Why do you want
All of my soul
It's like you have
All the control

You've been gone for five months now
With the occasional small talk

You're my worst mistake
One that will last forever

I wish you were someone
I couldn't remember

I met someone new
But constantly think of you
All the pain you caused

I'm afraid for this someone new
That I'll hurt him
And be like you

I'm afraid for me
That this someone new
Will be just like you
190 · Nov 2015
"Happy" Poem
Phoenix Nov 2015
I was told to write this
To hide away the darkness
So handle it with care
While I pretend its not there

I was told to write this
By someone I love
A happy poem they say
But if its all the same

I don't know what to say
I don't know what to feel
Do you really think this poem is real?

I guess today
Is not the day
To show my bright and happy side

I'm sorry babe
But I just can't escape
The darkness I try to erase

I was told to write this
My attempt at a happy poem
But everything around me
Has an amount of tinted darkness
Sorry I'm not very good at happy
188 · Oct 2015
Poem a Day
Phoenix Oct 2015
A poem a day
Keeps my crazies away
A poem a day
Keeps the monsters at bay
A poem a day
Keeps the doctors away
187 · May 2016
Today
Phoenix May 2016
I woke up this morning
With a tightness in my heart
And a numbness in my soul

I can't think today
I can't feel today
I can't function today

I don't understand why
Why can't I think?
Why can't I function?
Why is today so bad?

This is the worst it's been
In a long time

I just want to sleep
Sleep until the pain passes
Sleep until the moon collapses
And the sun explodes

I want to cry
Cry enough to make a new ocean
Or flood the already existing ones

I don't want to talk today
I have nothing really to say
No hellos
No good-byes
Nothing

Mom said it scared her a little
Dad said everyone has bad days
But I don't know
If this is considered a bad day

I'm not cranky
I'm not angry
I'm not happy
Or sad

I'm just....

I guess you could say I'm just *numb
179 · Sep 2016
Happy Pills
Phoenix Sep 2016
3 happy pills a day
Keeps the doctors all paid
178 · May 2016
Vent #2
Phoenix May 2016
How is this fair?
To make me suffer so much?
What kind of God are you?
To give me all this pain?

I don't ask for help
I don't ask for anything
So how can you expect me,
To ask help from you?

I can't even see you
Or hear you
Or hardly even feel you

So how is it even fair
That you expect me
To ask you
For help

I don't even talk to the people
Who are closest to me
So why should I talk to you?

If you're such a great
And glorious God,
Why did you "bless" me with all of this

It's WAY too much to handle
It's a personal living Hell
With the extreme mood swings
Called bipolar
And the sinking abyss
Of depression

That's not enough
No, not even close
Anxiety
High standards
Rebellious brother
Hurting friends

You broke me down
So much
"Gracious God"
That I can't help
The people I love
The people that YOU put in my life
To help
And love
And protect

So what am I supposed to do?
What exactly is it,
That you expect me to accomplish,
When I can barely breath?

Walking is hard
My limbs are made of jello
Thinking is near impossible
My brains are scrambled
My intestines are strange
They twist and turn

Nothing is easy for a human
But you must have really liked me
Or hated me
To give me what I have

Bipolar
Anxiety
Depression
All of it

All of it is a curse to me
I can never be normal
I can never have a normal life
I will always be in crippling pain
No matter what drugs they put me on

What do I get out of this?
How does this benefit either of us?
I can't do your work
And show the world your love
If I'm crying my eyes out in a dark corner
Now can I?

So how the hell, does this work?
What the hell am I supposed to do with all of it?
I am just causing the people I love pain
Because they hate seeing me in pain

Do I use it to make art?
Have compassion?
Am I supposed to help others?

Can you show up for once,
And just ******* tell me?
I'm sick of these riddles
And games you have me playing

I just want to feel better
I don't want to be numb
Or sick

I don't want to cry anymore
I don't want to feel weak anymore
I don't want to deal with any of this anymore

I just want to be normal
And happy

Is that really too much to ask....?
178 · Apr 2019
He's Awake
Phoenix Apr 2019
Stuck inside myself
The vicious claws dug in
The beast awoke
And I might choke
Which will cause me to cave in

He's been sedated
For so long
I forget he was even there
But now he's back
And he has attacked
And has ripped apart my brain

Worthless
Disappointment
Pathetic
Weak

Continuous­ly fighting
Clawing and scratching
Tearing apart who I am

I've worked so hard
And come this far
Just to be dragged back down again

Sedated for years
And I fought through my tears
Yet here he comes again

He's back with a vengeance
On a mission to wreck this
The progress I've made seems pointless

I wak up in the morning
And want to stay in bed
Finally succumbing to him

The time I stop fighting
Is the time I start dying
And the beast would finally win

But I've played this game
And its quite the same
As before this bought of destruction

If I keep fighting
He'll keep trying
But eventually I will win

Times will get better
As I work even harder
To get through this rough patch

I don't see an end
But I know it'll come
Because something will eventually give

Whether it's him or me
We shall soon see
May the strongest force win
175 · Dec 2017
A Penny For Your Thoughts?
Phoenix Dec 2017
Sometimes I think in poems
When I'm happy
When I'm sad
When I'm in love
When I'm angry

Sometimes I think in poems
And everything suddenly makes sense
I think what'd I'd write
Then the emotion is gone
Too bad it never gets written down

Because like a passenger
It shifts in
And out
On my train of thoughts

I think in poems
That are so powerful
That they make me cry
So powerful
That they make me smile
A rueful, angry smile
So powerful
That emotions surge through me
Like waves in the stormy sea

Too bad no one will hear them
Too bad no one will read them
Because once they leave
I don't remember them
174 · Nov 2015
Hello Poetry
Phoenix Nov 2015
Something we share
Between all of us here
Is a true passion
A passion of writing
A passion of sharing

This is a place
Perfect for us
True poets
True people

Some of us vent
About our feelings of hurt

Some of us here
Swoon about love

Some of us here
Talk about tragedy

Some of us here
Talk about hope

All of us share
A feeling of connection
Most of us here
Can relate to someone

Sharing our thoughts
Our feelings
Our lives
Is a big step for some
A small step for others

I love this website
Because our truth is said
We can say our peace
And share our love
Our hate

I love this website
Because I feel connect
To poets like me
173 · May 2018
Anxious and Paranoid
Phoenix May 2018
Anxiety
Paranoia
Heart ache

I can't see an end
I can't see the light
I can't see the positive

My anxiety kicks in
My heart aches
And paranoia kicks in

He doesn't love you
He doesn't want you
You're a reject
No one loves you
You'll die alone

My heart aches
As this echos
Over and
OVer and
OVEr and
OVER and
OVER

I can't push it down
I can't push it away
I can't pretend it's not there
I can't pretend it's not real

It's so real
It's so difficult
It's so....

hard

I want to be *normal

I want to be in control
I want to be sane

But that's too much to ask
Because even medicine can't control me
My anxiety is too high
My paranoia is too much
I just have to face the music

I'll forever be insane
I'll forever be unstable
I'll forever be paranoid
It keeps saving really weird. I tried to fix it but it doesn't seem to want to save correctly.
173 · Jul 2016
Hopeless
Phoenix Jul 2016
Hope
What does that word even mean?
How am I supposed to have hope
In a world so broken
A world so
Hopeless

Pain
A word all too familiar
A word that is a part of me

Pain and hope
Cannot live side by side
They can not live together
In the same body

No matter how much I want to
Hope doesn't seem possible
Especially after being depressed
For almost two years straight

Maybe I am a hopeless case
Where pain always exists
And light is only a dream

Because this world is suffocating
With the standards
And sexualities
And expectations

I want to quit
I want to give up
I want to fall into nothingness

I don't want to live
I don't want to be in constant pain
I don't want to hardly breath

I don't know what to do
Because I hate this in between state
That I call life

I don't want to live
But I don't want to die
So where am I
What do you call this

How do I fix it
No amount of drugs seem to help
And I can't think straight
With these violent mood swings

I can't keep living like this
I can't keep fighting like this
It's exhausting
It's impossible

I'm lost
I'm broken
I'm hurting
I'm hopless
I'm pained

So what does hope mean?
How do I get it?
Does it even exist for me?
Does it exist at all.....?
Sorry for bad grammar
172 · Oct 2015
Monsters
Phoenix Oct 2015
Can you smell them?
The smell of sulfur burns my nose
Can you hear them?
It's the screeching of nails on a chalkboard
Can you feel their presence?
It's the chill on your neck at night
They are monsters
They are the reason you're afraid of the dark
But you knew that didn't you?
They are a part of us
They feast on our very souls
Devour our sanity
And it's almost time
For them to come out
So beware young ones
Beware
171 · Oct 2015
Give
Phoenix Oct 2015
Mother
Give
Father
Give
Brother
Give
Sister
Give
Go, go, go
Give, give, give
Where am I
Am I gone
Did I give everything away
Did I ever really exist
My screams are choked
I don't have a voice
I gave it away
168 · Jul 2016
You
Phoenix Jul 2016
You
You don't need a knife
Or a bat
Or a gun
To crush my heart

Your wicked smile
And maniacal laugh
Are enough to ******* me

How do you live
You heartless monster

You have a soul
Made of the coldest ice
There is nothing warm
About you Sir
It has all been frozen

You're like the Grinch
Rotten to the core
Except it's not just Christmas
It seems like everyday is a chore

You may be going down
All the way to Hell
But I'm not going down with you
Because I'm actually doing well
I wrote this in November of 2015. It's been a private poem but I've decided to share it. Hope you enjoy. :)
167 · Nov 2015
Feelings
Phoenix Nov 2015
How can you tell
When you care so much
It hurts
How can you tell
When you cross the line
Between friendship
And whats on the other side
What do you do
When he is all you can think about
But he isn't within reach
How do you hide
What you feel inside
From your best friend
Why is it so hard
To accept having to share

But most of all
**What do I do with these feelings?
166 · Nov 2015
Truth
Phoenix Nov 2015
Conflicted feelings
Impossible standards

Lost thoughts
Complicated choices

Hushed breath
Silent tears

My true fears
Brought to the light
After so long of being out of sight
155 · Sep 2018
Beautiful
Phoenix Sep 2018
Beautiful
That's it
That's all
Everything about you is

Beautiful

Your blue green eyes resemble the world
Full of life
And love
And possibilities

Your soft lips
Speak truth
And emit warmth

Your blond hair
Reminds me of rays of golden sunlight

Your strong hands
Hold me up when I'm falling down
And poke me until I smile

Your smooth voice
Is like warm honey
Flowing around me like a melody

You leave me speechless
You leave me breathless
You leave me motionless

I can't express what I think
I can't express what I feel
Except with the simple phrase of

I love you

And I do
With all my heart
All my mind
And all my soul

I've never known a love as this
All consuming

I see you
I know you
And I'm lucky enough to have you

And it's beautiful
155 · Oct 2017
Addiction
Phoenix Oct 2017
I'm addicted
Addicted to you
Addicted to the feelings
Of the high you gave me

You left me
But I'm still stuck on you
I'm fighting
But I'm addicted
And I hate it

I'm tired
And weak
And missing you
But I'm fighting
144 · Jul 2021
Exhaustion
Phoenix Jul 2021
Hollow
I am
Hollow

Inside it echos
Sounds bouncing
Back and forth

I feel nothing
My insides ripped out

Trapped in my body
Unable to escape
Unable to touch it
Not in control

Body is on auto pilot
I just watch from inside
I can't feel my body
I see it move
But its not under my guide

I'm so very tired
I'd like to rest
Sleep does no help
Death might be best

I won't hurt my body
As it has done no wrong
My soul aches inside it
Yearning to be gone

I'll sleep for awhile
And hope the pain goes away
For my eyelids are heavy
And I'd like to stay
143 · Jan 2018
Love Sick Puppy
Phoenix Jan 2018
A random hello
A single how are you
Caused a snowball effect

We talked more
We laughed
And flirted
Or maybe the last part
Was just me

And you figured it out
My conversations with you
Sparked my curiosity
And I craved knowing you more

I talked to you
Whenever I had the chance
Before bed
After school
On my work break

You were always there
You were always ready to talk
You said you liked to talk
So that's what we did
We talked
For hours and hours

Then you pieced it together
You figured it out
And I hadn't even meant to show you
You found my burried heart
Where I hid my true feelings

I panicked inside
I sent countless texts
Apologizing and trying to play it off
I suggested to forget about it
But you said something that caught me off guard

You asked me out
You asked me to go to dinner
You said you wanted to get to know me

I panicked inside even more reading that
Because I didn't know
I didn't know what to do
Or what to say
Or how to reply

I simply stated
I would love to
But you have to ask for my dad's permission
And you said ok

And I was baffled
I screeched
And I threw my phone
And panicked on the outside

Now here we are
Talking
Flirting
Getting to know each other

You've been on my mind a lot
You've been causing me distractions
You've been the first thought when I wake up
And the last thought when I go to bed

I'm not sure what to do
Because I don't like being vulnerable
Yet here I am
Cautious yet adventerous

So shall we see?
See where this leads?
See how our paths will overlap?
134 · Nov 2017
Kitty
Phoenix Nov 2017
Cuddling with my kitty
I could feel him rumble
As happy, content purrs escape him
If I could purr
I would

I was satisfied with a little kiss
Kiss him on the forhead
Kiss him on the nose

My kitty was my baby
My kitty was my companion
My kitty was my safety
My kitty was my constant

He loves to cuddle me
Especially when I'm sad
Because somehow
He always knows how to make me feel better

I love my kitty
And I'd do anything for him
Because he's my companion
And he'd walk to Hell and back with me
130 · Jul 2021
Free Me
Phoenix Jul 2021
Nothing
An empty shell
Everything carved out
Carved away

Trapped inside
As if inside a hollow tree
Don't touch the sides

Wanting escape
Wanting freedom
Tear away skin
Tear away flesh and bone

Rip out my throat
Rip out my heart
******,
Gory,
Mess

Chained
Bound
Cycle repeated

Restless,
Anxious,
Depressed
Nonstop aching

Being here
Belonging nowhere
Yearning for home
And not being alone

Trapped in this body
Of flesh and bone
Of sin and agony

Free me
Let me go
Let me out
126 · Dec 2017
Memory Lane
Phoenix Dec 2017
A trip down memory lane
One click away
One finger tap
One scroll
A stroll down memory lane
At the tips of my fingers

S was the first
He loved me the worst
And I gave him my all

My parents forced us apart
And broke our hearts
But in reality
Did me a favor

Four years with him
And looking back
I don't know why

He hurt me
In more ways than I dare count
He hurt my heart
He hurt my soul
He hurt my body

Yet I loved him

B was the second
And I was in the wrong
He was a saint
And I was the devil

No one wants to be the bad guy
But I'll gladly take the blame
For the second boy who loved me
Didn't deserve the hell attached

I drowned in my despair
And I took him down with me
10 months of love and hate
Until he hit the brakes
And left me at the first high school football game

C was the last
Who took my pain away
It seems not long ago
He also took my breath away

Now I want him gone
I want him to be a distant memory
Because it appears he just used me

Whether a friend's hatred
Or honestly viewed ideas
It seemed to planned out
For it to be all real

He asked and asked
Until one said yes
Then he left
And I'm left in this mess

One year before time said enough
And two months have passed
And my heart still aches

I'm in this mess
Because I love too much
I'm in this mess
Because I deny the pain
I'm in this mess
Because in reality....

It's what k   e     e     p     s         m    e           s       a       n        e

Maybe I don't want to let go
Maybe I like suffocation
Maybe I enjoy suffering
Because I seem to gravitate
Towards the forbidden path
Of memory lane
125 · May 2020
Progress
Phoenix May 2020
Step back
One
Two
Three

Blink

One hundred ten
One hundred eleven
One hundred twelve

Wait
Backwards?

Too many steps backwards
Not enough forwards

Clouded judgment
Blurred lines
Reality
Thoughts

Which ways up
Which ways down
Mind bending
Heart bleeding

Lost
Confused
Scattered
Muddy

Quick sand surrounds me
Gripping me
Dragging down
Everything heavy

Drowning
In mud
In quick sand
In concrete

Immobilized
Dehumanized
Miserable
Alone

Suffering silently
Fighting internally
Struggling

Pushed it off
Pushed it away
Now its here
Its going to stay

Isolation
Quarantined
Life in a bubble
Heaven

Reality
Caged
Locked internal
Panicked

Flash back
Throw back
Sent back

Progress made?
Or lost?
122 · Nov 2017
Red
Phoenix Nov 2017
Red
Red
Blood
Love
Sorrow
Beauty

Red
The color of death
The color of blood
The color of anger

Red
The color of beauty
The color of blooming roses
The color of power

How can one color
Be my power
And my weakness?

How can one color describe
Every emotion possible?

Red

I wrap myself in red
Careful to cover every part of me
Protect myself with red

Sleep in red
Dress in red
Sing in red
Write in red

Everything in red

I hate red
But I love it

Red
My favorite color
100 · Nov 2023
Claws
Phoenix Nov 2023
Snip
Clip
Swish

Too long
Dangerous
Sharp

Trim them down
Round them out
No sharp edges

Red lines
Raised flesh
Proof of history

Rip it out
Rip it out
Rip it out
Can’t breath
Rip it out

No
No
No

Don’t scratch
Don’t claw
Rip it out
Can’t breath
No
90 · Sep 2023
Brain Melt
Phoenix Sep 2023
My brain is putty
It's melting out my ears
I cannot think straight

It's soupy like ice cream
And dripping through my fingers

It has no ability
To maintain words
My teacher is speaking
And it sounds like absolute nonsense

My brain is melting
And seeping out my ears
I cannot focus
I cannot hear
87 · Nov 2023
Dirt
Phoenix Nov 2023
Cold dirt, warm embrace
Starry sky looking back at me through the trees
The sounds of birds long gone
Replaced by the drawl of a distant owl

The end of me
And the start of earth
Blended together into one

Deep breaths with puffs of air
A heavy heart sinking towards my spine
Weeds entangled in my fingers
Vines growing through my legs

A blissful state between life and death
A slow return
A unification of the body and the cosmos

Wait for me starshine
I’ll be home soon
85 · Sep 2023
Unpublished Draft
Phoenix Sep 2023
It may not look like much
But today I'll clutch this medal
And hold it against my chest
Knowing its okay to rest

I've been gone so long
My voice moved on
I couldn't explain who I was

I still struggle to see
How this is me
The same as 2016

I've fought and I've struggled
Feeling alone
Fighting a dragon
I felt impossible to slay

But here I am
Standing strong here for myself

This mountain I climb
Does not define who I am

The difference in me
Doesn't make me
A different breed
85 · Nov 2023
Rooftop View
Phoenix Nov 2023
I see a woman fall
She reaches towards the sky
Desperate to grasp the clouds
Her thick brown hair disguises her face
And her loose nightgown waves towards the sky

I can feel her gasping breaths
The terror that floats in her guts
The panic
The dread

She falls from her tight rope
A barely visible fishing line
Strung between skyscrapers so high
They disappear into the clouds

Her feet must ache
Covered in thin cuts
Unable to heal from constantly walking her path

Her bones must feel heavy
As she has to pace back and forth
Day in and day out
Along the line

Is it a relief to fall?
Or does that scare her even more?

I stand on this rooftop
I see this woman fall
I look to the street
But no one else seems to see her
Some glance
Some pause for a few moments, look, then move on
Only my world has stopped for the falling woman

Does she know?
Does that make her feel alone?

blink

I’m falling from my tightrope
And someone is watching me from a rooftop
85 · Oct 2023
I Will
Phoenix Oct 2023
I will climb out of this hole
If it’s the last thing I do

I will see the light of dawn
A few thousand more times

I will fight
Tooth and nail

I’ve been fighting this long
This hard
To stay alive

I will not give up tonight
82 · Oct 2023
Spiraling
Phoenix Oct 2023
Dark tendrils reaching for me
Grasping at me
Taking me
An all consuming void

A killer freefall
A crash landing with impact at any moment
Holding my breath
Closing my eyes tight

Will this time be the end of me?
Will this time be my true rock bottom?
Will this time finally pull me into the abyss?

It feels like it is
Like it will be
It feels as if the abyss in my stomach
Will finally take my soul

I know it won’t
I’ve fought too hard to survive
To give up on life today

If I am to die
It will be on my terms
Not the dark tendrils reaching for me
81 · Nov 2023
White Knight
Phoenix Nov 2023
I can’t be your savior
I can barely save myself

I can’t fight your battles
I’ve got wounds under my skin

I can’t speak up for you
My voice is hoarse

I can’t hold you up
My body is cooked pasta

My own body, mind, soul
Too weak to support you
Too weak to hold you up
Too weak to fight your battles

I want to survive too
75 · Nov 2023
Stripes
Phoenix Nov 2023
Concrete kitten
Hidden then found
The truest form of companion
A guardian of life

Slowly fading
Lethargic
Silent

Black sky and headlights
Faster, faster, faster
A rock tied to my heart
An ocean behind my eyes

Touching and prodding
Nothing
Shifting and moving
A single meow
No, no, no

A fork in the road
One real option
The stone pulling my heart through my intestines

Baby, baby, baby
MY baby
I love my baby
Don’t leave me

Wrapped in a towel
Held to my chest
Clock strikes midnight
Lungs slowed to a stop

A vet and fiance
Yet I was alone in the room
My baby
My reason for survival
My rock
Gone

Soul racking sobs
Driving down memory lane
Numb devastation

Ordered the urn
And stayed in my bed
A body made of stone
No food, water, anything
Stare blankly at the flashing TV
Cradled by my partner
Aching disbelief
73 · Nov 2023
Graveyard
Phoenix Nov 2023
32 headstones
Similar in size and shape
Only difference is weight

Each plot a different size
An ocean of death

I stand alone
The entry arch,
Woven with sea glass and tourmaline,
Towers over me

Paths extend like tree branches
Woven in and out of grave plots

A piece of me rests with each of them
A piece of them lives inside of me

Stepping forward
One, two, three, stop

Here lies [redacted]
Loving [redacted], [redacted], and [redacted]
2000 - 2021

My heart aches
Sinking with each word
Reaching out towards the patch of earth under my feet
It cries for her
Longs for her
My heart begs me to rip up the grass
Take the dirt in my fists
Throw it past the archway
Rewind the to the time before this

I move on

Here lies [redacted]
Loving [redacted], [redacted], and [redacted]
2000 - 2023

Repeat the process
Begging
Longing
Move on

32 graves
32 plots
Some covered in grass
Some with patches of dirt

I return to the arch
Gently touching the beautiful spiral
A quiet, solemn thanks

Mourning the dead
Would be easier if they were under the dirt

— The End —