you could have tried to keep us together
tried to keep us together for the sake of happiness
tried to keep us together even if our love was wrong
you could have taken all the chances i gave you
taken all the chances i gave you after you left me repeatedly
taken all the chances i gave you even after you hurt me
you could have left me with better memories
left me with better memories that don't cause tears
left me with better memories that even you would want to look back on
you could have realized how much i loved you
realized how much i loved you and all of your flaws
realized how much i loved you even though you didn't love me back
you could have given me a warning
given me a warning of how much pain you were going to cause
given me a warning even if this was how you wanted to leave

you could have at least said goodbye*

but you didn't
and you could have.

Day 1: I want to tear my skin off. My heart is beating so fast i can barley breathe. I feel so filthy.
Day 2: I can't believe this. I don't want to be here. Why did this happen? Why did I let this happen?
Day 5: I guess I drank too much and my friends were to drunk to stop me.
Day 10: I can't face my friends, I can't live my life.
Week 3: No one knows. He hasn't said a word.
Week 6: It happened again, I was sleeping and he did it again. Why did I stay the night? Why didn't I go straight home?
Week 7: He left and kissed me goodbye. I don't know how to feel.
Week 10: My life's out of control, I can't believe whats happening.
Month 5: My boyfriend knows. But not all details. Just thinking about it, makes me want to take a shower.
Month 8: I finally came clean to my friends. They're appalled. They hate him now. I still feel filthy. I can't get his smell off my body still.
Month 11: The anniversary is soon. What am I going to do?
Year 1: I haven't spoken to him in months. I haven't thought about it in days. I still feel as if hes on top of me, why can't I wash him away?

Its an uphill battle with myself and others. Some days I can't get out of bed or even feel like breathing.
But I try not to let him get to me. Because if he sees my weakness from what hes done,
He's won.

I am a seed.
A pebble vault.
Secrets of the universe abound within
my humble form
So tiny and inconspicuous
I know without knowing how tall I will stretch,
How I will bend or not with the breeze,
How I will veil myself in dappled leaves
and invite bees to velvety garnet petals,
or thistles made of silk,
How do I know these things, you wonder, being so small
without wit, without sage?
How can I do this
With no teacher?
The teacher is in me
My secrets are my own.

How sweet it is
That we humans love to hold hands
Would it be my choice
To hold on to a lifeless
Sweaty appendage?
Not really.
At least,
Not until I held your hand
It was not lifeless
It was a living, breathing being
With a mind of its own
Trickling its way up my side
Caressing my face
And slapping me,
Hard
So hard,
It left a print for me
To remember you by
So I guess your brain
Was behind the hand
After all

when i gazed upon
your handsome profile, i was
blown by the beauty