I scratch and claw at my skin
Trying to tear away the thin material
That hides my muscles, bones, and sins

I hold my throat
Hoping for the possibility to crush it
Hoping to stop the air flow

I cover my ears
Trying to muffle the echoing whispers
That cloud my brain

I sit alone in my room
Unworthy to be with people
But also dangerous to myself

I don't eat much
Because my body tries to reject it
Even though it needs it

I want to sleep
All day and all night
For days, months, years at a time
Just to keep the monsters in

Self-degrading myself
With so much power and force
That it seems impossible to be a lie

I don't deserve what I have
I don't deserve to be happy
I don't deserve any of it

But I have it
It's within my grasp
But it feels like a lie
As if it's sand that will slip through my fingers
The moment I have a hold of it

So I wait
I sit in this position
In which I am in pain
Because I don't know anything else

I long to shatter every mirror
I long to tear up my skin
I long to crush my vocal cords and stop the air flow
I long to be recognized as the monster I am
And be rejected by those close to me
So I can't ever hurt them again

But in reality
That won't happen
I won't break every mirror
I won't damage my skin
I won't destroy my airways
I won't be told I'm a monster
And no one will reject me

Because they can't see me
Through my eyes
They can't hear my thoughts
Or see the things behind my eyelids
So they don't know the truth of me

So I have to take it into my own hands
And continue to self-degrade myself
Since no one else will
Because they don't see me
Like I see me

I hate what I see
And disagree with what they say
Because they don't know
What lies just underneath
The thin fabric you call skin
They don't know about my alter ego

My **monster

I never thought I'd be
Unstable

I never thought
I'd want to die

I never thought
The thought of cutting myself
Would be so appealing

How am I so
unstable?

I take all of these
pills
Just like I'm told

I talk to a counselor
But I still feel unwhole

It seems as if no matter what I do
I'm still unstable

My mind is in constant
panic

Thousands and thousands
Of whispers
Rush through my head

Everything up there
Has been painted black

So now I can't see
I can't hear
I can't do anything

Because I'm so
Unstable

My body moves
My body breaths
My heart pumps
My skin bleeds

But I'm....

I'm gone.....

I've disappeared

Never to be seen again

Because my mind...

*Is UNSTABLE

You sick *******
I can't believe I actually started to believe you
You played me like a fiddle
And made me the fool



I trusted you
I loved you
I thought we had you back
I thought you actually gave a ****

BUT I GUESS NOT

They gave you an inch
And you took a mile
Because you don't care
You don't care about me
You don't care about them

You just flat out DON'T CARE

I share everything with you
I tell you things
That I don't even tell my best friend

But you don't tell me anything
It's like I don't even know you
I don't think I ever did
I don't know what the truth is about you anymore

I can't believe I TRUSTED YOU

We live in under the same roof
But you aren't a part of this family
You pushed us away
Especially when we tried to help you
You don't love us anymore
Honestly, I don't think you ever did

What is the truth LITTLE BROTHER?

I wish I could hate you
I wish I could tell you to burn in Hell
I wish I could forget about you
I wish I could pretend you didn't exist
I wish I could act as if it doesn't hurt
I wish I could ignore you

But I CAN'T

Just because you don't care for me
Doesn't mean I don't care for you
No matter what you do to me, little brother
I will still love you
Even with a bruised and broken heart
That is all your fault

I run from myself
Fast and breathless
I take a break often trying to recall what made me run
What me decide
To pick up my feet and take off
But I have nothing