You let her slip away.
Dark roads only appear ahead.
You loved her enough
To see her let go & walk off.
Knowing the road she was currently on.

you raged when she used.
Never did you do anything to prevent another fall.
You Wanted her to see the
world different.
Never did you show her something other than
betrayal scenarios .

She expected only
Love honesty & respect.
From you.
You excepted
Changed slang , New personality
Different style
From her.

All she wanted was to be loved
You you wanted was to be loved and have all the freedom you want

Thats it.
Enough of the tears & ****.
I’ve Seen enough.
He’s put me through
too ****** much.
It’s Clear He
DOESNT VALUE ME at all!
He NEVER Changes
He will NEVER CHANGE
I’ve given him 5 years
To Still Be put through ******* every month ?
I can’t change him.
So it’s Time for me to change.
Showing him love has done nothing But hurt me.
I’ve done everything
& I’m still faulted for **** ?!
Im Innocent & Nothing will change him from doubting it ?
Im tired of Being  accused
No matter what I do
He’ll only believe if he wants Too.

I’ve been holding strong.
Fighting all the triggers.
Coping with holding
back the urges.
I’m proud of myself.
For being able to move forward.
I’m finally on the
road of recovery.
Putting in all my Effort to over come this .
It’s All good Now ,
I’m glad I don’t have to walk around with all that weight of being careful & looking out.
All the Weight of What
addiction brings .
Finally, A new beginning.
First thing off My Life list
Is Everything that involves drugs.
I no longer want to be in conversations , settings , reminders etc That involve Substances.
(:

Scared Prt 1.
2014
iM Scared Of Losing What
iHave Left.
iM Scared Of Seeing What
iHave Left Go Away.
iM Scared Of Disappointing
My Loved Ones Again.
iM Scared Of Being Reminded
What the reality of Drugs.                        can do once again.
iM Scared iF iM Sober Then Fall
iWont Ever Change again
iM Scared The Drugs Can
Take over me Like it Has before
Once more.
Scared Of Feeling Numb And Live The Whole Drug Addiction Cycle all over.

Scared prt 2.

I Relapsed & Now I'm worried.
Will I Go back to my old ways?
As much as I desire The Feeling of escaping my reality,
I can't live Like that. I don't want to be a drug addict all over again.
The Feeling Is pleasant . The Living of being 1 Is Horrific.

Scared prt 3
2017
I’m scared
Of never finding hope
To believe my life has no worth
To never finding a light
To get lost in the
Darkness of my depression.
Im Scared
To never feel true happiness
To believe I have
No purpose in life.
To see I really don’t matter ..
I’m scared to prove
Myself right.
To really never start a life.
I’m scared to
Then lose my self again
To lonely nights with toxic touches

Scared prt 4

Be aware
I’m not scared like I used to be.
To lose  you, see you walk out.
Watch you leave & end us.
I have drugs.
To replace you,
Forget who you were
Erases our memories & best times.
Be aware
If you do me *****, I don’t care.
Drugs will always be there .
Il depend to forever not feel..
If you leave me, I won’t cry.
I have lines to get me past times.
So please know , I’m not scared.
To be left ,

Scared prt 5
2018

I’m Trapped.
I’m not ok , I’m not safe.
The habits creeping up.
Slowly but rapidly.
I believe I got it together.
I tell myself I got it under control.
But do I really?
Relapsing after 2yrs is making an impact.
I’ve been falling frequently.
For a short time but I’m still using .
It will take ahold of me unexpectedly.
Slowly convince me this Drug life’s worth risking .
I need help .
I look fine.
I haven’t used severely but my minds hyped.
Il Get To that level.
If I don’t reach out in time.
My thoughts are converting slow
I can feel the careless emotions growing.
That’s why I’ve found it so easy to use and get away with it.
“Just today” “it’s only alittle” “I can handle this”
That’s until I build up my tolerance.
Lord Help me .. you know il cause heartbreaks if I turn back to what I Once was..

Scared

I’m so scared.
To get played again .
To get lied and betrayed.
I’m scared of my reaction.
I know il die alive.
I won’t even have the strength to ****** you.
I’d be so broken and just let the world walk all over me.
If you Do me *****
I’d lose it completely.
You’d prove all my doubts correct.
Assumptions I already knew were true in my head.
If you play me, Id lose my head.
Literally, go insane due to confusion & hate.
If you hurt me.
Drugs is what I’m going to be out searching.
Not even ask for an explanation.
I’d be too focused walking straight ahead to my connects house.
If you do me shady.
I Will Be angry at the world.
Scream to the top of my lungs
“WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS
I would drown myself in drugs.
I’d hate the world completely for hurting me when I’ve done none wrong.
I’d go So crazy.
How can I So Loyal Be Played With.
Etcetc can’t even write more

Scared prt 6

2018
Im not scared
Anymore .
I don’t know what to feel
Anymore.
I think I’m worried,
I just don’t feel it
Anymore.
My thoughts try to
Tell me something’s wrong.
I Can’t think of anything..
I’m unsure If I’m ok.
I don’t know if I’m
Even thinking straight.
I remember once feeling
So afraid.
I had to seek help on my own .
For the sake of my sanity.
My heart felt a heavy
Storm coming.
It rushed me to look out
Find shelter .
With strong material .
I started moving .
But did I act fast enough ?
Did I act before or after
Time had already passed..

Scared prt 7.
I’m scared
To Relapse & Stay Stuck
To give up recovery
I’m scared to
Look at you and walk away forever.
To just not care wether you believed I truly loved you.
I’m scared
For my love to be trapped
For all My strength to be gone
Lose it all ,
I’m crying.
Addiction will forever live in me
Wether Active or Overcomed
This drug will Always come
Aslong as I’m Happy , Positive
I won’t want to take a hit
But Even if nothing’s going on
My body & mind will randomly itch.
Ive been walking with this for too long to just erase it .
To forget I had a habit .


Scared prt 8
Jan 2018
Im not scared
Anymore .
I don’t know what to feel
Anymore.
I think I’m worried,
I just don’t feel it
Anymore.
My thoughts try to
Tell me something’s wrong.
I Can’t think of anything..
I’m unsure If I’m ok.
I don’t know if I’m
Even thinking straight.
I remember once feeling
So afraid.
I had to seek help on my own .
For the sake of my sanity.
My heart felt a heavy
Storm coming.
It rushed me to look out
Find shelter .
With strong material .
I started moving .
But did I act fast enough ?
Did I act before or after
Time had already passed..

Scared Part 9
Am I Fine.
Will I not rack a line.
Never touch a Rock in my life.

Am I Good.
Will I not Use again .
Will temptations not be seen as threats ?
Can I handle.
My urges to not Tweak again.
Will my triggers Be nothing to worry about?

Will I never feel tempted.
Have I finally over come every Obstacle of addiction?

I’m sorry.
I’ve worsen , I’m stuck once again.
This time it will be harder .
I’m a recovering addict
Stuck in a constant relapse Cycle.
What must I do
Should I sit & wait
On my next down fall ..

SCARED PRT 10

March 2018
I Didn’t notice.
Like always
I believed I had it all under control.
Everything was ok.
Everything seemed fine.
I felt normal,
I would stop soon.

I was Wrong ..
I Fell Down So quick.
I went hard.
No dubs or teeners.
I went straight to a Ball.
I just went all out.


I lost myself again.
I Lost control of the substance.
I Was trapped.
It became a problem.
One I wasn’t aware of.
I Had no recognition of at all.
I Didn’t see that I couldn’t stop.
I kept going
Kept using without seeing the frequency.
The days spent stuck.
I lost touch with reality.
This previous Relapse
Has been the worst in my life .
I haven’t had a binge like this time since 2015.
I used every day .
For 6 1/2 Weeks.
I lost track of the days & time.
I Sniffed & Smoked 2 8 ***** all to my self.

At the time I didn’t see how crazy that was.
Those weeks, an 8 didn’t surprise me.
The amount didn’t shock or Worry me.

I was fine , I had control.
I was doing ok , everything seemed & felt normal.
It was just a small relapse.


I was wrong
I lost touch with reality.
I formed a habit .
I was addicted again .

The sad part is
I’m able to acknowledge this Only through writing.
In real life , my denial mind
I’m able to handle my addiction. I’m ok & Dont have a problem.


It angers me.
Since my 1st Relapse
In August.
I’ve Fallen Very often.
It saddens me.
How I quickly Skipped
The Weight.
Why does it worry me?
My mind will no longer seek a Dub when I’m triggered to use.
It will want Another ball.

Anything less
My Addictive mind
no longer craves.
It now settles for Big.
This relapse has changed the game for my addict ways.
I’ve Relapsed every month
Since August.
I Had it all under control.
I Was able to use and stop.
Just this last time
I completely lost it.

Scared prt 11

I’m scared .
To lose my strength.
Have no durability.
To Give in So quick.
Be that weak
Where I don’t fear Tweak.
Find it easy
To just go seek.

I’m Worried
To reach that level .
Just Relapse constantly .
not care who Knows.
My problems
Have me overwhelmed.
Every day
The Stress grows .
I can’t bare another
Tug & Pull.

Devi devil devil
You have my minds in circles.
Clever clever clever
You’ve got me Following this trail.
I’m ready ready, not quite.
I’m stepping where I’ve stepped long ago ..
Mother Mary Mary
Help me I’m Far off
My eyes have Begun to shut
I’ve lost grip.

No one no one no one
Can save her now .

She abuses
To get away from the reality.
To Avoid Confronting
The Truth Of Her So called
“Loving Relationship”.

She gets high
To escape the truth
Of who he really is .
What he really has to offer.
How He?
Will never Fullfill & Help her build The life she deserves.

She Abuses
To not remember all the times
he Used her .
Times he played , manipulated
Failed & dissaponted her.

She’s been forgiving.
Expressed her pain in all ways.
She’s given chances
When the actions have been reasons to forever walk away .

She’s Still besides him .
Little does he know
She no longer stands the same.
& As the days continue
The Insults , Disrespect &
more betrays ?
It’s all Convincing her to believe she’s just better off dead.

Tired of the *******.
**** it I ain’t About to
deal with ****.
Yeah like that
1 line , 1 Puf, 1 shot
Im aight.
**** the ***** who played me.
Tf am I still caring ?
His feelings ? Nah **** them!
He never cared about me.
I’m still poisoning my body to forget the pain he gave me ?
To get High even more to hold back from telling him to protect his feelings?
I’m tired of being blamed !
Ive been nothing but good to him!
I’m a ***** now because I stand up for myself.

I don’t have to deal with ****.
He’s mad I relapsed?
Complains I Trip to much.
Talks me down for all my wrongs .
Makes me feel
hopeless & worthless
Thinking I’m a real ***** & treat him wrong .?
Wants *** but never gives me to true love?
Takes me for granted!
Takes advantage!

**** ALL THAT
YUP
JUST LIKE THAT
Some rocks & Its Gone.
Oh he’s mad ?
Oh he’s Showing anger?
Oh he’s Really feeling some type of way but never cares about
my feelings ?

Rack up shoot up smoke up
**** , I no longer give a ****.
The more I use ?
The less il fuse over anything that has to do with you.
I won’t give a **** about you anymore!!!
Wanna cheat? **** a ***** ?
Go for it darling ,
Il just tweak.

.

I no longer relapse
I binge & I can’t stop.
I’ve lost control,
Not all but some .
I’ve binged 9 Times.
Since August 2017.
3-4 Clean gap in between.
Then I fall back.
When withdrawals leave.
When I’ve catched up on sleep.
Consumed Nutrients & protein .
My mind & body then Start up.
To crave & fein.

After every Fall
Somethings change.
My minds begun to go insane.

I no longer slip
Get back up quick.
I no longer relapse
Able to get back on track.
I Used to feel scared
I wouldn’t really dare.
I used to see sunlight
Now I don’t see any shine..
Sobriety Means so much to me.
It meant, It no longer Does.
Recovering Is Important.
It was, I no longer See that .
A life without drugs is
what i want.
That life is far from being visible.
I’m motivated to change.
To overcome all of this .
I’m unmotivated now
Following tons of depression.
I’ve been battling this war
For ohh soo long.
I was Close to Victory.
Few feet away from Being set free.
few inches From feeling truly committed to end this disease.

I was close , now I’m far.
I was Miles Away
Now I’m Seconds from going back to my old ways .

I told you
        To stop me.
I confessed
                     So you can help me.
A truth
           I never admit

“ I always tell the truth unless it’s about my drug abuse”
“Il never confess to relapse”

“Till death do us part”
Getting High
Of methamphetamine
Till my casket drops.
There was no end
No future
No “one Day il Stop”
I gave my fate to it.
My destiny
Goals
Everything
Was inhaled & exhaled
In dope clouds .
I seen no other side
I’ve forgotten about reality
I was stuck in a day dream.

I Gave you
                The opportunity
                        To be in my life.
I held you responsible
to change me.


I accepted rehab
I Allowed Myself To See there’s life aside from twisting the pipe.
Gave myself the opportunity
To make a change .
It was you.
Who finally made me see clearity.


I improved slowly
Relapsed occurred
They weren’t anything major
I got myself back on
Sobriety road.

After many years
Of being stuck
Saying il stop
Till I die
You helped me see Different.
&
After
many years Of denying.
Years of hiding
Of using in silence .
I SPOKE up.

You saved me..
                    To **** me your self .

You damaged me 10x more
Than **** did it’s self .
You became my new
Deadly addiction.

Whats there to loose
when ive lost it all?
Its not the same anymore.
everything is about to fall.
No one hears me cry
im hurting deep inside
The only thing thts helping me cope is this wonderful dope
The feeling of being numb just calms me dwn actin dumb
No one cant replace her ima love her forever
Im just sick of being mistreated
Im constantly hurting
Its not good but i got a couple of grudges im still holding
Is this how im suppose to
live my life
I fall asleep with tears in my eyes
I hate having withdrawals its a constant reminder im still alive

I’m here.
Surrounded by demons.
I no longer fear.
I’ve given myself to them.
The whispers became clear
The voices are now real.
Who’s better to love ?
A chemical of course .
So Toxic But So pure.
Who’d I choose now?
I’ve chosen he
Who Treats me better
Who’s proven
Dope? Is more powerful.
Hope? Is not promisble.
The devil offered a  deal.

To walk with him
Once again ,
To join his pack
Only pleasure & never pain.
Opening my eyes
How I’ve only felt misery
Sadness & Heart breaks
In this so called
“Real life”

Tired of the *******.
**** it I ain’t About to
deal with ****.
Yeah like that
1 line , 1 Puf, 1 shot
Im aight.
**** the ***** who played me.
Tf am I still caring ?
His feelings ? Nah **** them!
He never cared about me.
I’m still poisoning my body to forget the pain he gave me ?
To get High even more to hold back from telling him to protect his feelings?
I’m tired of being blamed !
Ive been nothing but good to him!
I’m a ***** now because I stand up for myself.

I don’t have to deal with ****.
He’s mad I relapsed?
Complains I Trip to much.
Talks me down for all my wrongs .
Makes me feel
hopeless & worthless
Thinking I’m a real ***** & treat him wrong .?
Wants *** but never gives me to true love?
Takes me for granted!
Takes advantage!

**** ALL THAT
YUP
JUST LIKE THAT
Some rocks & Its Gone.
Oh he’s mad ?
Oh he’s Showing anger?
Oh he’s Really feeling some type of way but never cares about
my feelings ?

Rack up shoot up smoke up
**** , I no longer give a ****.
The more I use ?
The less il fuse over anything that has to do with you.
I won’t give a **** about you anymore!!!
Wanna cheat? **** a ***** ?
Go for it darling
As long as ingest This dope
I won’t even Notice your presence
As a matter of fact.
You’ll be unexsistent
Like I never even met you

The Day Ends
Like all others.
We Go back to normal lovers.
Forgetting the insults
thrown At eachother .
Not this time .
I Havnt forgotten.
My feelings still flow the same.
Sickened & saddened.
I need to Leave .

It’s been clear for years
There’s no happiness here for me.

We Are Done.
You & I.
Yes that’s Right.
This Times Forreal .
I cant take Anymore
Anger & tears.

Your always bothered
Irratated or annoyed
At anything I do .
I have no voice
No opinion
Im Tired Of Loving
Someone’s who’s just too ****** selfish & cruel!

*******
Yes I said it.
In a tone filled with so much hatred!
*******
I hate You !
Can’t think of 1 thing to regret it.

Your full Of negativity
Always bringing my spirit down .
I’m my own enemy already!

I’m good with out you !
Yes I mean it !
A life full of smiles
& Laughter once I get away
From you !!

Your too Much !!
It’s all about you !
Only you can set & Break rules!
Your mistakes are never talked !
Explanations never
come out your mouth !!

My entire life
With you I’ve been Blue !
You never attemp to make
me feel Good !

You don’t help me !
You tell me things that
worsen me!
Leave me !!!!
****** leave me !!

I have cried
So many times,
Hidden and silent.

I have stared
At nothingness,
Felt my heart breaking.

I have waited
For so many calls
From you that never came.

I have believed
Everything that you said
I guess some weren't true.

I have been left
By you waiting for
The things you said you'd do

I broke my heart again,
Because I thought, finally,
I'll stop being used by you

"It's okay.
It hurts.

I saw it.
The way your eyes drifted to others.
Never straying to mine.
Never filled with the same spark.
Always dull.
Lifeless.
Loveless.

My heart.

You would say it.
Those three words.
Not to me.
Never to me.
To the others.
They always got your love.
I got your hate.
Your anger.
Always.

“You don’t have to love me.”

You gave me orders.
To stay home
Have no friends
Only you can I conversate with.
While your allowed to do the opposite of everything
I was not to.

I can’t.

I was your puppet.
You pulled the strings.
And I obeyed your commands.
You never loved.
Not me.
Never me.
I was your toy.
Something you could throw away.

Take it.

It’s all a game.
Of feeling.
Of pain.
Of love.
Of hate.
You are the king.
I’m your pawn.
Just a piece on your board.

I’m done.

I loved you.
More than anything.
I let you use me.
Hurt me.
If I got to be with you.
Nothing else mattered.
You didn’t feel the same.

Devil please don’t take me there.
I will get too familiar .
Find it easy , it’s just 1 hit.
Without notice il be tweaking on a full binge .
Without notice,
1 Hit Will Convert to many .
I continuously hit it.
Forgetting theres a limit.
My surroundings
Become unnoticed.
What’s important, Is Forgotten.
I’m careless Over whatever’s
in my circuit.
I’m just focused on the dope & Ingesting more.
To get high but higher than
I’ve ever been.
That High no longer exists.
All My Misery Vanishes
My emotions tie back
Everything I hurt over
, Is no longer In my thoughts.
Just like my negativity?
My Amusement & happiness Disappear too.
Completely numb.
Devil Please stay away .
Il turn cold with a grin.
Il be selfish & Careless.
What I love Will No longer
be important
Il care for nobody But The dope that fools my mind.
I’m another person When I’m ingested with lots of ice.
I lose my state of mind
My mind wanders off
The drug
Removes Your struggles.
Just to make room for the Devils Gifts for choosing to live
easy & quick

Devil please stay away
Il fall quick & forget About sobriety.

I hope one day you
Realize & Notice.
All The obstacles I crossed
To be by your side today .
How I Experienced
So much Misery & sadness
To be able to call myself
Your girlfriend .

My love was true.
I Expressed it so much.
I did everything you wanted.
Id Make sure you were happy & Comftable Around me.
Always making sure you felt special and Important.
You seen I really liked you.

You Mistreated me.
I Still Continued making sure I made you feel Some type of lovely way.
You constantly hurt me.
Feeling hurt & pouring tears I still Wrote you cute texts.

You told me you will never love me & I will never be someone special to you.
With A broken Heart
I Continued to see you every day not minding What you had just said.

I made sure you felt worthy .
You made me feel worthless
You Made me feel insecure.
I always told you how handsome & **** I found you .

I Made you See positive things about your life.
You Made me see the negative of mines. Reminding me of mistakes I Did & due to it I won’t ever be some one great.

I Showed You nothing but affection & Attention.
You Showed me
Carelessness & neglection.

I Was fixing You.
Gluing your broken pieces back. At times you purposely flicked it & I fixed them too.

You Were Breaking me.
You seen & didn’t care.
My Tear drops never Made you Realize how sad you constantly made me feel.
You never felt bad .

The journey I Went through
To Call myself your girlfriend today.
Was A Trip To Make myself happy.
Drugs Was All i known.
Loving you & Adoring You was my distraction.

I hope you one day realize That I was nothing but good to You.

Inlove again.
.Magical crystals
I feel pleasure of feeling nothing.
im numbed.
My emotions & Thoughts
Have vanished.
I’m in love again .
No euphoria, just numbness.
Lovelit.

I’ve Forgotten .
The power Of escaping.
No longer caring .
It’s wonderful .
Refreshed my memory
On why I chose this over
Everybody.

My Hearts been broken .
The Pieces Of Glass
Will Recover it fast.
By Each puff I take
The smoke will cure
not only my heart but  
My sadness & pain.

I gave my love away.
I regret it so much.
I was Loving Someone
Who Just played & Betrayed.

I knew I should’ve stayed away.
Dopelove Baby
Is where it belonged.
Where it remains

I’m scared .
To lose my strength.
Have no durability.
To Give in So quick.
Be that weak
Where I don’t fear Tweak.
Find it easy
To just go seek.

I’m Worried
To reach that level .
Just Relapse constantly .
not care who Knows.
My problems
Have me overwhelmed.
Every day
The Stress grows .
I can’t bare another
Tug & Pull.

I’m not happy.
Neither are you.
Don’t lie & say you love me.
I don’t feel it’s true .
Just like you don’t
believe me either
When I say All I Want is you.

All I Want is to
Connect , Interact
Enjoy each other’s company .
All you want is
Intamcy , Seduction
Enjoy Eachothers body.

Im Feeling lonely.
I’m wanting outings & activities.
Your feeling Irritated.
You want Time apart & have fun with Friends instead.

I show interest & listen
When you talk.
I enjoy hearing your voice.
I giggle or laugh .
You show annoyance.
You show no interest .
When I tell you about things ..
My topics are unimportant .

My company does not
Please You.
You complain about
my every move.
My presence no longer enlightens
Your day like it once did ..

It’s easy to

I’m never out.
I’m sitting on the bench.
Enjoying the breeze.

Yes Again.
He’s gone M.i.a.
My minds Pacing .
Frustration is currently running.

My mind had dead ends.
Negative thoughts just bouncing & they’ll never stop.

I’m urging .
To Do anything
Go anywhere
Visit random places.
I’m so angry.

Nothing I can do.
Just sit & Wonder.
Overwhelm & stress my head.

As much as I know
He’s gone somewhere away from home with Friends.

I’m outside .
Every loud Roar
I feel it’s him.
My hopes are Still high
That he’ll pull in.

I’m really hurt.
So tired of disappointment.
I’m really upset.
Always Looking on the brighter side Knowing it will soon darken.

I don’t deserve this.
Why Do I go through it :(

Each tear that runs.
drop that falls.
frown i make
& Fists I ball.

Each Hateful Word
I say, Curse & Promise.
Each Negative feeling that Develops in me.

Every Time I Cry
“I want to end my life”
“There’s no point in living”
“I’m ending it tonight”

Is serious.
I’m guaranteeing
An end .

Im A fool.
I Dedicated my life
To some one Who Never showed me a reason Why.
I Gave Up My life
To A person Who Didn’t ever make me feel alive.

I Gave myself To Some one Who wasn’t meant for me.
I Lured A person who was clear they were never going to make me feel Like in movies.

I was Giving
My Kindness to someone
Who never was kind .
I Was Giving the best of me to a person who just
constantly hurt me.

I Chose Their Comfort & Wellness .
To someone who didn’t care if I was uncomfortable.
As long as they were.
But they checked to make Sure others were settled ok ..

I always have time for them. Even if I’m busy , I make time. I’m always available for their presence & Look forward to whatever they want to do .
Because they are important to me & I want them to see.
I’m There For whatever.

For someone who’s Always tired , Stressed , has no time , Too busy When it Comes To me.
My interests are always rejected.  They then get Angry Telling me I don’t care or understand how tired they are from working so hard all day. Who call me selfish for not thinking about them and things they do. I Can’t conversate with them because they want to sleep .

I Showed my Sweetest image to impress someone who never made me feel Worthy Of anything.

I Gave all my time to someone who Gave me Left over time.
I put Him first
When I was Put last.
I canceled my plans To spend time when he Wanted.
I was His last choice when he’s plans got canceled.

He pleased people
Never Mattered to please me.
He chose others feelings
Never caring if it hurt mines.
Gave attention to others
Making sure to stay in good terms.
Never payed attention to my Overall Happiness or cared to know if I was good ...

I stay home all day
Waiting to see him .
I have to cancel invitations if not he accuses me of never thinking of him.


He Works all day.
If Something pops I’m ditched without notice.
He goes m.i.a
When he pleases
He never explains his disappearance.

I Aruge over hurtful actions he’s caused. To him it’s nonstop **** talking. Always ignored , Left Unsolved.
My feelings remain hurt .

He argues over Me Constantly Bringing **** up.
Saying he feels hurt because I constantly run my mouth .
Refers me as so ******
Because I can’t let his betrayal go .
I’m forced to change.
From making him feel angry
To Pleasing him to be happy again.

Am I Fine.
Will I not rack a line.
Never touch a Rock in my life.

Am I Good.
Will I not Use again .
Will temptations not be seen as threats ?
Can I handle.
My urges to not Tweak again.
Will my triggers Be nothing to worry about?

Will I never feel tempted.
Have I finally over come every Obstacle of addiction?

I’m sorry.
I’ve worsen , I’m stuck once again.
This time it will be harder .
I’m a recovering addict
Stuck in a constant relapse Cycle.
What must I do
Should I sit & wait
On my next down fall ..

March 2018
I Didn’t notice.
Like always
I believed I had it all under control.
Everything was ok.
Everything seemed fine.
I felt normal,
I would stop soon.

I was Wrong ..
I Fell Down So quick.
I went hard.
No dubs or teeners.
I went straight to a Ball.
I just went all out.


I lost myself again.
I Lost control of the substance.
I Was trapped.
It became a problem.
One I wasn’t aware of.
I Had no recognition of at all.
I Didn’t see that I couldn’t stop.
I kept going
Kept using without seeing the frequency.
The days spent stuck.
I lost touch with reality.
This previous Relapse
Has been the worst in my life .
I haven’t had a binge like this time since 2015.
I used every day .
For 6 1/2 Weeks.
I lost track of the days & time.
I Sniffed & Smoked 2 8 ***** all to my self.

At the time I didn’t see how crazy that was.
Those weeks, an 8 didn’t surprise me.
The amount didn’t shock or Worry me.

I was fine , I had control.
I was doing ok , everything seemed & felt normal.
It was just a small relapse.


I was wrong
I lost touch with reality.
I formed a habit .
I was addicted again .

The sad part is
I’m able to acknowledge this Only through writing.
In real life , my denial mind
I’m able to handle my addiction. I’m ok & Dont have a problem.


It angers me.
Since my 1st Relapse
In August.
I’ve Fallen Very often.
It saddens me.
How I quickly Skipped
The Weight.
Why does it worry me?
My mind will no longer seek a Dub when I’m triggered to use.
It will want Another ball.

Anything less
My Addictive mind
no longer craves.
It now settles for Big.
This relapse has changed the game for my addict ways.
I’ve Relapsed every month
Since August.
I Had it all under control.
I Was able to use and stop.
Just this last time
I completely lost it.

A drug addict .
That’s who she was.
Developed an addiction with a hard stimulant drug .
She Didn’t abuse drugs.
Take more than prescribed
Take unprescribed.
Use to avoid or feel good
For that certain moment x

She was a drug addict.
She used & couldn’t stop.
Not even when it begun to cause health , financial, emotional or problems with loved ones .
The urge to get & use
Filled up every minute of the day.
She formed a habit . I
Every day she looked forward to her next hit .
Either Got ready to get high.
Or struggled & thought about getting that next fix .
She had no control.
Used when she didn’t
Even want to .

I’m tearing
My self apart.
There is no one to blame.
I am the reason why.
I am why I hate & cry.
I’m making my life miserable.
Everything is possible.
I keep on seeing everything
Down & impossible.
I hate that I’m negative.
Hate that I have potential but just don’t believe in myself.

I Don’t Want to let go.
My 1st Everything
Will be my only I say.
I want no other.
I dedicated my all to 1.
Will birth a child from this love.
I want no one Els.
My pride was high.
I don’t want to go around finding a different lover .
——
Your first Will be so memorable!
I keep feeling Hurt that my 1st did not feel meaningful or magical.
I hurt that I won’t feel
What others have
For there 1st
Touch of love.
I stopped dwelling on that.
I realized that I too can have a great memory too .
In the future
I may come across some one
Who will give me the kiss I lust for.
Show me affection & love me
Like I seen in movies .
I may come across some one who will make me feel secure and happy with my body.
Whom won’t criticize judge & only point of the beautiful aspects they see in me.
I may come across someone who will make love to me the way I wished my 1st time would be.
Whom I can fully feel confident to undress and be myself because they never made me feel low about myself.
I may come across some one that treats me the way I deserve to.
Where we have trust & believe in eachother.
I have hope for another chance at love. Not now, in the future I look forward to finding true love.
Someone I can feel safe, happy, loved , wanted, respected & thought of (:

It remains in the present .
Happened 1/2/3/4/5 yrs ago.
They always got pushed away & forced to be forgotten.
It remains in the present.
No solution was ever talked out.
The problems repeated itself.
Through out the years.
It remains in the present.
Trust was broken .
Never once has it been attempted to get fixed just worsens.
“It was the past !”
My feelings pushed under the rug.
Never acknowledged.
The past holds unsolved heartbreaks.
The past holds tear drops that still tear now.
The past holds “forgiving actions”
That still happen.

I’m moving on
I feel many rocks slowly
Lifting off.
I’m feeling a lil sense of happiness.
I used to think it was ****** up for me to say & feel this way .
It’s actually not.
I’m unhappy
All I do is hurt & cry heavily .
I shouldn’t care
If he reflects sadness on me.
Making me feel like the bad guy.
Always faulting and blaming me.
I shouldn’t care for his loneliness .
I shouldn’t stay anymore .
I’m tired of satisfying him
For him to **** me over again.
This is ok for me to feel.
It’s ok for me to want to leave
& say bye bye dear.
All I do is cry and hate myself.
I’m happy I’m finally coming to an agreement within myself.
Letting go

I’m getting closer.
To Packing & leaving.
It’s about time
The rain slows down.
For so long I Yelped.
I’ve cried so hard.
Ignored & left to drown.
In my own tears
Caused by they who I call dear.

I’m getting closer
To packaging & leaving .
I used to always hold back.
Said I’m done but always turned back to get hurt all over.
“I’m sorry, il change, 1 last chance”
Was a song that played all throughout my 6yrs of so called “inlove”.

I’m getting closer.
To feeling what
I’m supposed to feel.
To do what’s right & stop my tears.
To agreeing & realizing .
I don’t deserve All this negativity
I’m understanding that I’m wrong for always staying.


I love him.
So much.
It’s not fair that I’ve shown loyalty
That I’ve hurt so much
It’s only right for me to go
& say “I’m done”
To be told “ you never loved me”.
For the script to flip from
Victim to bully.
I’ve been Soo ******* good.
I’m betrayed.
After so many time
s of being played?
I decide to Finally act on my sadness.
What I’m supposed to do.
Stand up for myself .
What happens ?
The bully plays the victim .
I’m then seen as the biggest ***** and bad ****** girl friend.
For what ?
Standing up for myself.
I’m always faulted and bashed  when I act out on something that hurt me .
His actions of betrayal
Must be forgiven.
My actions on feeling hurt
Are seen deceiving

I just want to
Intoxicate My Self.
With lots of drugs.
Right now, In this moment
I just want to get ****** up.
Drink lean, Smoke ****. Feel slump and Hazey.
Sniff coke , Smoke G.
Right after .
Chew A Cap & A thizz .
Just ****** go all out there.
Right now
In this moment ?
I just want to get intoxicated.
Escape my reality
Mix up all hard drugs
In my veins.
Yeah, I’m tired.
I hate breathing everyday.
Yes , Drugs.
Not to feel high . To feel nothing but numb.
A crazy flow of different substances.
I want to be taken off this earth.

It’s going to be hard.
It’s going to take me lots of time.
You’ll move on fastest
That’s what’s going to be
The hardest.
To see your the cause
Your the developer
Of my broken heart.
Yet ,Your Out.
Living on , Feeling no pain
Having fun.
I don’t deserve this
Should have not happened to me.
I’m so Great
I’m not perfect but I gave much honesty & loyalty.
To be the one left hurting.
I need to move on.
Time to grow up
Time to stand up and change.
Move on and see
More to life than dwelling .
I’ll be ok.
He’ll be more than fine.
He’ll go back to the life he’s been dying to Live on.
Hoes, music, Friends

Silently
I’m walking away.
My love for him
Is no longer the same.
The spark between us is gone.
I’m drained.
Of feeling sad & not good enough
Everyday.
I’m tired of crying
Doubting , assuming , Concluding.
For it all to be true.
I’m tired of
Being acknowledged when I do something wrong.
I’m tired of trying.
Hearing “I’m sorry”
Knowing it’s false.
After every alpology
Comes another
“Sorry love “.
It’s a waiting game.
I’m tired of it.
Not for long ..
He’ll apologize
Il reply “for what?”
I didn’t even notice.
Because I no longer care.