Here I sit at my office desk. I have a million things to do but I must prioritize the most important task of all, my life realizations.

I have contemplated on the recent loss of my three-year long relationship. That chapter of my life that I thought would go on forever lasted only 1,095 pages long.  However, this is not about my current failed relationship. This is about all the boys I’ve loved before, combined (wink).

When I first experienced love, I dove in headfirst. I had no safety gears, nor did I feel the need for any. Eight months later, I had my first heartbreak. My first real heartbreak. It was the most bitter taste that I’ve ever tasted, the darkest shade of blue my eyes have ever laid on and the saddest music my ears have ever heard. I was never the same after. Life never tasted the same after him.

(Red Flag: Manifested right from the start. High School Sweetheart “ex- girlfriend” who was not yet over him and apparently, he was not over with too. )

The next time I fell in love, I came prepared.  I had all the necessary gears and read all the manuals. Take your sweet time they say, build a foundation first, become friends before you jump into anything. I did all that. I took all the necessary steps for success and yup, you’ve guessed it, it failed. My second real heartbreak tasted even worse than my first. Everything I felt before were intensified.  I did not just lose a lover; I lost a friend. I felt my heart ache and it cracked a little bit more than it did the last time. The pain was greater than anything I’ve experienced before, so I had to move quick.

(Red Flag: Manifested in the middle of the relationship. Made a very big lie. )

The relationship that followed was a love from behind closed doors.  It was not as intense as the ones that came before it. I did not lose my grip on reality; I did not lose myself. In fact, I was so in my head that I had taken it for granted. This relationship was where “I ****** up”. My heart did not break because I broke his. I had no excuse for breaking his heart when all he did was love me.

(Red Flag: Wrong love, wrong time. )

And then came my  almost “End Game”.

I was single for a long time before I met him. I went into a lot of self-discoveries and made friends. I immersed myself in my career and became someone that I am a little bit proud of. I was ready when I met him. I was ripe, I needed to be picked. But our relationship did not start with any signs of sincerity. It was rushed, it was forced, it had no romance. I was warned about him before I even started catching feelings for him. But I was so ready. I let myself fall so deep. I ignored all the signs that pointed to the exit and kept running in his maze of love, lies, abuse & manipulation. I poured everything in my cup until it’s empty. Until I had nothing left. I used to visualize my future with him until I couldn’t see anything else but signs that point to the nearest exit. I thought this would break me, but it didn’t. I grieved the relationship while I was in it that I had nothing left to grieve about when I finally decided to leave.

(Red Flag: ****** human being since birth.)

So now we get to the bottom-line of all this abstract mess. The art of contemplation sure is a tricky one.

It does not matter how we decide to fall in love because when we love, we hurt. Love always comes with hurt as the day comes with night. So maybe there is no use in overthinking it because if someone’s intention is only to hurt you, remember that the devil comes in sheep clothing. Only time can reveal a person’s true intentions, so you just sit back, enjoy the ride, but listen. Look for the signs. The moment you recognize a red flag, respect and love yourself enough to choose yourself and walk away.

I know now that loving someone does not make them love you back enough to change their ways to make you happy. It is always
THEIR.
CHOICE.

The Obstacle

She begins with a tight grip as any pirate would cling to a treasure found. But you are a wild horse who cannot live in containment and though you try, she knows you want to gallop your way out of the tiny fence she built. Derived by her hurting pride, she pushes you away. She acts so cold and uptight as though she does not need you but she terribly does. She torments herself in your absence and make believe in the new life she is building; a happy life free of her attachment from you. Her heart yearns for you and your company but you’ll never know. She’s a great actress and she puts up a great show effortlessly. She’s had practice as early as childhood, she has done this for years.

The Grip

Fate favors your friendship once again. You find your way into each other’s arms because life happens. You are stronger and wiser now, you do not let the small smudges ruin a beautiful picture. In this moment, you are certain to keep this friendship forever. In fact, she no longer sees you as a friend. You are family. She accepts your toxic traits as you have accepted hers. She picks you up from your mess as you do to her. Her father left her when she was young, she felt betrayed and she only knew the feeling of betrayal until there was you. Even when you betrayed her once. You were her constant though she wasn’t yours. She believes you both have ****** families and you are now her rock. Often times when she feels she is losing you, she goes back to the beginning of the cycle until she feels the same security again and again and again. She tightens her grip on you now as she thinks you cannot lose her. She has stood by you and you will stand by her. Always. Constant.

The Reckoning

She is delighted when you are happy but she feels threatened when your happiness turns into something serious. She needs to make sure that she is constant. It is important. She needs to be constant no matter how many people comes into both of your lives. She feels that it is her responsibility to make sure you are with the right person and she will not accept anyone less than perfect. Like a mother giving away her child to the person they are fated to love, she is having the hardest time. But she is not your mother, she is only your friend and her actions will never be understood. She is possessive of the people she loves when she feels the same love back even if it is not in the same amount. People that love her are her treasures. She will cling to them like any pirate would. She will repeat her cycle of push and pull over and over and over only to feel important. She always told people to love themselves fiercely as though she did not struggle to love hers. Finally, the day came where exhaustion conquered love. She blames her heart, her need for attachment and her illusion of constants.

No, this is not a question. I need not your answer.

But have you no shame?

You forced your way in with that wicked smile and I am convinced that heaven tasted like a Sunday morning by your side.

Losing myself, devouring your grip, I’ve been lost in a cosmic display and forgotten my wit.

Little did I know, colors of blue can turn into grays.

You said you love her in your sleep, Annamarie haunted me like a sick prey.

Pitch black vision...

Soldier with no mission...

Have you no shame?