No one talks about the fall
From prayer to silence, slow and small
It doesn’t strike in just one night,
But creeps in shadows, out of sight

Years ago, I broke and cried,
For something small, but deep inside
I thought: This is what I deserve
For all the sins I failed to swerve

So I repented, knees to floor,
Begged Him not to close the door
Swore I’d never doubt again,
Promised to obey, refrain

I changed my name, my words, my skin,
Buried the truth I held within
That thought was foolish, I would say,
And cast myself in shame away

I made others feel it, too
The hate I couldn’t work through
But it wasn’t hate, not really so
Just fear I wasn’t brave to show

You spend your life in sacred chains,
So leaving isn’t clear or plain
I said, “I’m done, I’ve let it go,”
But deep inside, I didn’t know

Each time I sat alone too long,
The doubts would sing a sacred song
And I would whisper in my head:
If I am wrong, guide me instead.

The guilt, the fear, it wore me thin,
A war I could not seem to win
That loop held tight for months, for years
A mess of faith, and shame, and tears

I don’t know when it slipped away,
But now I simply never pray
No need to fear what isn’t there,
No sky to watch, no eyes to stare

But still, the marks it left are deep,
In tiny ways they always creep
I never eat what once was banned,
Still choose the right, not left, hand

I mumble thanks before each bite,
Though no one’s listening in the night
I bless myself when I let sneeze,
Out of habit more than peace

And when religion finds a seat
In passing talk or crowded street,
Where once I’d freeze or brace or lie,
I simply blink and let it by

I no longer believe, but still I see
The shape faith carved so deep in me
It built my fears, it stilled my voice,
And never once gave me a choice

But now I’m here, no wrath, no flame
Just me, and echoes of a name
The god is gone, the grief remains
In whispered thoughts and stubborn chains

Some of the foulest things
Were conceived
In the most beautiful
Of places
The pure alpine breeze
Cooled the mechanics
Of the elimination
Of races
Verdant green
The backdrop
For reeducation
Stark Mother Russia
The denouncements
The Cossackification
White Plains
Trinity
The United Nations.

Tell me your secrets
Tell me your sorrow
All of your regrets
Your dreams of tomorrow
If I asked you to stay
What would you say
Would you tell me right away
Or make it a game we play

My soul is a house with a flickering light,
A place I should visit only at night
But I linger inside through each hour of day,
Too fearful to leave, too scared to stray

For if I step out, who might wander in?
Or trace my path with a quiet grin?
Someone’s been here once, left it in shreds
I rebuilt the walls, repainted the threads

But you never broke the door,
You didn’t sneak across the floor
I led you in, I gave you the key,
I said, “What’s mine is yours with me.”

You smiled and said you’d always stay,
But forever’s not what I could say
The thought alone had made me shake,
My hands grew cold, my ribs would ache

I had no reason I could show,
No proof except my urgent “No.”
And so I packed your things with care,
And said, “My soul is mine to bear.”

I asked you gently not to call,
Not to return, not touch the walls
But still I see where you once stood,
The echo of you in grain and wood

Your footprints marked the fragile floor,
Your scent still clings behind the door
No matter how I wash or clean,
The stain you left will still be seen

I locked each window, shut each shade,
Afraid of how much love can fade
I stay inside, I don’t invite,
For history burns, and I’ve learned fright

No knocks, no keys, no turning back,
I keep my soul beneath its cracks
It’s mine alone, I roam no more,
Not when I’ve seen what came before