winter: Poems

I want to make lifelong friends
And hold them close to my heart
I am grimly
And often preach my solitude
It is the strength I portray
In hopes of ironically drawing in
The affections of those who need
That sort of reliance

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winter Mar 2020

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At times I'm scared
by how much I like you

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winter Oct 2021

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momma i'm in the living room
listening to you cry again
momma i miss you
except for when you call
don't tell me you love me
just look after your son
stay calm, momma
the stars will come

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winter Mar 2020

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There arent any teams
but they're both against me
I live in two houses
And am welcome in neither
I will forever be stuck
Sleeping on this basement couch
Confined and silenced
A servant of time

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winter Aug 2020

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The ascension and depletion of self-worth
When you lose the ability to write
Relatable poetry

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winter Mar 2020

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god you're so pretty
god you're so pretty
god you are lovely
I want to hold your waist
I want to feel your hands
I want to feel your words
As you speak to me
in the flesh
I want to secure you
in the flesh
With my affection,
infiltrate you

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winter Jan 2020

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love doesn't know time
however death does

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winter Mar 2020

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Everything that comes out
it is manipulative
it is lonely
I can't force the connection

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winter Jan 2020

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Futile
Futile
Shut up
Futile
Futile
Futile

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winter Jul 2020

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I can smell my room
See the tree from the window
And the white underneath

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winter Feb 2020

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I am the last of them
I am what remains
And only what remains
All those before me
Who walked besides me
And reside in me
If they saw now
What remained
I am sick of
To be continued
I am sick of
This nonsense

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winter Sep 2020

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Can't get rid of the smell of smoke
And the wounds at my side won't calm down

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winter Aug 2019

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oh no,
here it comes again
if it feels like you're the only one i confide in,
it's because you are
it's overbearing: an issue
like i'd let that happen again
oh man
here i go again
i'm alone

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winter May 2020

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Known to be fond of soft things
I can't feel the mockery
How can they tell me I'm weak
When I have you in my arms

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winter Sep 2021

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one eyebrow painted on
and I remind myself
you either take the man's money
or take yourself to the bridge

this is how it feels
when you're down
and your chest has been binded for so long
and you're far away from everyone you've ever known

and you know you need it
or you know you need something
safe to bring you harm
safe for your destruction

when we meet for the first time,
my body on your mind and your gun on mine,
deconstruct me

Untitled

winter Feb 2021

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here i lay on this cold section of the stage
where no one can see
where i escape
it is the same as death encompasses me
experiencing the narrative through
to the end

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winter Feb 2020

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Why the ****
Would I miss you now
You, the one not from two years ago,
But three
The one before
The one that I'D left &
have stood behind that
for these three years
Why would I miss you now
Even if for a moment
What the ****
Was that feeling supposed to mean

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winter Sep 2020

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don't worry
I'll start writing shorter poems

eventually

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winter Sep 2020

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o god o let me find you
in this time where you are buried
so far beneath and
all I can hope to do is guard the soil
let me lay over the ice top
not to warm it from the outside
but to let my silhouette be present to you
you who are so far below
this premature hibernation
with no telling of when the ice will crack
and when the ice will break for you
you who are free on the inside
and I
trapped on the outside
I will be here the moment you return
I will be here every moment before then
If only to be a reassurance to you
beneath my feet like an earthquake that I know someday is bound to happen
even if there really is no telling
I know you are there and
I know that you will find me too

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winter Sep 2020

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She hears me not when I call
for her but when I call her name
I see the lines that catch around
her frame, but cannot see her face
I think to speak although she's nowhere near
And dare to dream although I know
she lies awake
in hopes to lie alone and lie for long
Along that growl that she hides behind her
dully, she stares, nothing
And I see it
And I know
She won't let me pry myself apart
but shes gone from me

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winter Apr 2020

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shake away my body
hustle when you tear at it
i don't want to be perceived

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winter Oct 2019

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I have an optimistic take
on applying string theory
to the afterlife
that there are forms in which
I can give my living body
to oblivion
as a prerequisite
to the potential disintegration
of my string of thought
that it will be reduced
to only a string
and with a voidal imitation
I am already easing my way

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winter Aug 2020

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Once I'm on my own two feet
It'll start to make sense
I do not want to be provided for
Anymore

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winter Sep 2020

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I think very often of our pain
I think very often. why can't we care for each other
What is it that stops us
What is it that holds me back from holding you and holding them
and what stops them from letting go
letting go
To give up
and give your hand
and live instead
and live with compassion

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winter Apr 2020

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I'm choosing to no longer believe
what anyone tells me about healing
healing is not care or rest
healing
is not sleeping for a week
drinking endless amounts of coffee
writing about isolation
writing about your childhood ghost
and how you've decided
to play your own tricks with time
I am detached and livid
at the assumption that I have processed
anything they've tried to tell me

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winter Sep 2020

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its the horror
of seeing them at the age you were
facing the same pain

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winter Jun 2020

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watching you like this is weird
through a one-sided mirror
there are moments you look straight at me
without realizing that I'm there
you forgot to turn screenshare on,
I think

videochatting on discord

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winter Feb 2020

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Forget my jacket
I want to feel the cold
I want to feel my mourning
From the air

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winter Aug 2019

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you've been relentless
i'm reaching my limit
i've never made such a mess on my face
washing off mascara has never been such a *****
no one knows a thing
no one knows a thing
not one person
if I felt better, I would walk downstairs
I would see what you were up to
I'd be friendly, I'd work with it
I did
but the moment you saw me
you had to tear me down
right back where I came from,
in a matter of seconds
it's amazing how easy we can shut ourselves off
it's amazing how i'm giving you all the signs
and somehow they all slip passed you
you'll slip pass me soon
never thought I'd have to prepare to leave you too
you were the only one
the one I thought knew me the best
out of everyone
you, too?
that's truly it for me then
i'm gone
i'll be here a while longer
but i'm gone
i'll forgive you
but i won't forget

void

winter Mar 2019

void

Weep me into an orbit
secure my warmth into it
Elevated, tremble me still
Lifting my legs into the air
And completely releasing the ground
Most comforting coldness
Welcomes me to a void
An inter-clashing of hollow and heart
I see nothing before me
I feel nothing beneath me
Moving only relatively to you
But the air between us bends
My bones feel crisp
When energy evolves into matter
Experiencing, for the first time,
Negative space
Seeing what nothingness lies before me
The acceptance
Ensuring calamity’s deference
I’ll be there
May I be still but I am moving
You see me here
Mightful in collision and clamour
Which rings so silently
That my breathing sounds greater
I long to be there
To dissipate into light
Become a pull in the tide
Warp everything inside
Regenerating my new birth
Fulfilled by the presence of lacuna

i want to be consumed by a black hole

#blackhole #void #emptiness #birth #clamour #orbit

waste

winter Aug 2019

waste

I'm told to think of a man
and I think of your jaw
I think of the thinness of your lips
This is how it goes
The sigh was grand and my body was whole
It says that I miss you,
that your arms wrapped well
around my back, under my legs
I'm found burdened by the yearning
My eyes want to well and tear
But the sting shifts into anger
It has always been anger with you,
on my own accord
the act I got caught up in
The challenge of sweetness,
testing my faux purity's limits
It was never your fault,
Call yourself a monster, maybe I'll oppose you
maybe I'll spend hours reminding you of your heart
you Inglorious *******
I have a catch, an idea, for your ego
Tell yourself that you ruined me
Remind yourself each day
that you are the beast who broke my heart
It's pathetic
I didn't need you for that
I once thought that you were only my reminder
that a love like yours didn't exist for people like me
But I was wrong
I always knew
But I got lost in the distraction
I lost my dearest love in your pursuit
You, who cursed me with your affairs
You, who mocked me with secret lovers
You, who tormented me with my own time
Strangle me with expectation,
Raising the heat, raising the tension
Make me useless, make me kind
Make me pointless, make me kind
Make me silent, mute, garbage
Make me completely deteriorate
Spouting intuition translated into madness
I cannot remember 3 months ago to 15
my mind's last attempt to spare me
from the constant & pulsating misery
that was thinking of you
You were not a lesson
You were not worth it,
You were not worth the "wisdom"
Nothing was gained, only wasted
No matter created, only destroyed
You reduced me with a single hand
to dull and ***** rubble
Ready for you to walk over
crush me slightly with your weight
place your footprint
mark where you've been
It wasn't worth it
Not after a period of silence
For you to show your face unwarranted
You mistook me for a pleasant encounter
You should have known better
After it all
After it all
After it all
You have no right to speak to me this way
After it all
I'm still writing poems about you
It's embarrassing
I'm humiliated
It wasn't worth it
You were not worth it
I think of a man,
I think of my greatest waste of time

#ex

whatsup

winter Feb 2020

whatsup

I went downstairs
And my mother gave me a strange look
She heard a thud & assumed
I'd hanged myself
I can see myself dangling
But that never happened
I dont know how to tie a noose
My friend texted me
Saying she had a dream that I died
She asked me if I was alive
I sure thought I was
I've been time-hopping
A lot more this month
I really have been
Getting my own timeline mixed up
I'll accidentally slip into the past
Red brick and pink nails
Or I'll feel myself experiencing the future too early
That means I have yet to live, doesnt it?
Or does it mean I have been spared?
Does God know that I've begun
to reconsider His presence?
Or is it another force that mocks me
And dangles me on this thread
For yet another day
I lit a candle today
The flame felt cursed

what we're all thinking

winter Aug 2019

what we're all thinking

need me a guy
who photoshops in a fringe
amiright

when ur not used to raw emotion

winter Sep 2019

when ur not used to raw emotion

“I don’t know, but I feel it”
I don’t know, but I feel it
I don’t know, but I feel it
his head on my chest
he can’t fool me
he doesn’t know me
doesn’t know anything
but he knows how to hold me
his hands around my back
if that’s what he’s feeling,
I’m feeling it too
or that’s what my lips are telling him
he doesn’t know me,
but he knows how I breathe
doesn’t care that I sing
for a living
or that I’m living
and some days it doesn’t feel
like I’m living at all
but this boy is internal
he’s reminding my soul
of the body attached to it
detaching it from him
and he pulls me right back
and it’s over for me
for the boy who never knew
and only felt me
something else
stripped of art
I had to force myself apart

witness trauma

winter Aug 2022

witness trauma

it wasnt that
animalistic, choking
raw death that read about
and call the hard, real truth
it was unearthly,
it was paranormal
like a demon holding her
up by the throat
and slamming her down
twisting her limbs
and trying to escape from her insides
it was
a horror scene
but more cold
more violent
there was no reason
for it to happen that way
at that time in the morning
i can still hear it
i can still see it
i can still smell it
i am bending over her as we speak

yall took a while huh

winter Dec 2019

yall took a while huh

To all my friends posting about how 'for the first time, christmas doesn't feel the same'.........................
...... cringe

yeah

winter Aug 2019

yeah

yeah the dread is a little bit completely overwhelming
the famous daves billboard gives me a lot of anxiety
I watched a youtube video about "haunted" instagram posts
humanity has allowed all of this to happen
it's so ****** weird
humans are the weirdest ******* coincidence
maybe I need to listen to a different playlist
cut off this train of thought as abruptly possible
block it out until I die
that's what I've been doing this whole time, yeah?

yeah me neither

winter Aug 2019

yeah me neither

tell me, and i tell you
here i go again, i'll slip, just for you
let's try this again
accuse me of the upper hand
with one look you demand your distance
but I'm just like you,
you haven't been there yet is all
I'll be there when the time comes
for now, I'm okay with pretending

daily occurrences and days and people in general are a pain

yknow

winter Aug 2019

yknow

being suicidal was fine
since there was always that option
but now, that I don't want to die?
there's no way out of it
it's a little bit cruel, how that works

#suicide #life #death #afterlife #depression

your lover will whither

winter Feb 2020

your lover will whither

Your lover isnt right
Your lover is simple
Your lover will whither
In the presence of you
With the weight of you
When you enter the air
They wish they were
The air, too
And they'll only whither
And you'll only watch

— The End —