dans une ville de ténèbres
peut-il y avoir de mille feux
de susciter l'espoir ne pas peur

-----

in a city of darkness
may there be a thousand lights
to spark hope not fear

i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
  1991
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"
   1994
i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
   1996
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
   2013
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"
so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"
i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"
before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and
leave"
   2014
every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."
and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried

I've been falling asleep in the back of the bar lately & I am not sure which way is up and which way is down.
"He" leads me down the stairs to the parking lot and rips my dress off me like its ***** laundry... But who he is... I don't even know.

It's been long enough for me to move on and get over you but there's something in the way the light shines against my hands that makes my heart ache.

You aged like wine and I aged like moldy cheese but we never found the perfect combination to keep us together.

I've been falling asleep in bars... And the bartender told me I can't come back anymore.
"He" took me home... But where that is.... I don't even know.

I don't think we were meant to end quite yet but you took two steps back with each one of my steps forward. I leapt before I could even crawl let alone walk.

You are still perfectly unhappy and I'm still researching the meaning of life... And even though part of me doesn't want you back... The other part of me still wants one last kiss.

I've been falling asleep in bars since i returned back west & I don't know if I'm just exhausted or miserable these days... But man... I hate beer.

YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR THREE MONTHS AND WE'VE BOTH FOUND SOMEONE ELSE
YOU SAY YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER
I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM
YET YOU STILL INFILTRATE MY DREAMS AND ANY TIME I SEE YOUR FACE OR HEAR YOUR NAME MY CHEST CAVES IN
*GIVE ME MY ******* *LIFE BACK

life is a constant struggle and sometimes i’m just lost.
i don’t know how to deal with it.
i just want to get a life mentor sometimes
so i know if things are worth it.
i’ve read so much about life but i find it hard to actually apply everything i’ve learned.
i realized.
i’m still on my journey.
*its okay not to have things figured out.

When will the

Struggle

be Over ?

The Struggle

To live

To love

To smile

To be happy