Seventy-four fast flights through sleek, black, breathtaking blocks cascading over the world
And the most beautiful sight I saw that day
Was you

My heart aches and I want to hate you for it.

I can't talk to you in fear that you are like Them.
We **** and you leave kiss marks on my blades but that's the closet I get.
I could lie in bed with you all day
I could lay in bed with you all day
I so badly want this but I'm choking on my own brain, and I don't know how to spit it out.

Taunting bones

poke through thinly stretched skin

bruising flesh like dropped apples

You sliced your finger-tip off

in the process of

cuting out the

core

If I asked you how I tasted you would tell me "like her"

You would say that I smelled like roses and felt like their petals and you would tell me that my arms held the most beautiful scars

You would ask me if I remembered the time you were happy and I would tell you no, but I'd ask you to kiss me anyway and to pretend that my eyes were her own

I'd sing you to sleep and you would cry because you thought you loved nothing more, but now it's never quite right
(nothing was ever quite right)

You told me you loved how I touched you but I knew my fingers were not the fingers you longed for and when you told me you loved me you were speaking to someone else

You taste like stale cigarette smoke, self loathing and bitter sadness and I want you know that I have always tasted the same

We watched serial killers, bibles and we ate wings
My lips stung and you asked me why I didn’t kiss you when we ******
You called me several times but I never picked up

When we met the first thing you gave me was a look of awe and the first thing you told me was that I was beautiful
I believed you and I never believe anyone
You took me to the island and we talked about super powers and we met thrice but dreamt of getting a cute one bedroom apartment and kissing in wet parking lots in cars in the dark ignoring everyone outside every night of our lives
One of life’s little mysteries is that it didn’t hurt but we both just stopped and I didn’t care

I remember the thick snow that coated the ground and how fast the seasons changed since the last time I was on the hill
I parked in the middle of the street and a stranger hopped in next to me and took me back to his room
We smoked outside and drew with crayons and talked about very real things
I felt something for the first time since my heart broke, but when I woke you were gone and I walked back alone with my breathe idling in front of me and I never saw my favorite pair of thigh highs again

Your **** was small and you ******* me like a dog ******* a shoe
I pitied you and I pitied me and I let it happen anyway

We got a noise complaint saying that they had to tell their 3 year old girl no one was being murdered next door
We never had *** again but we still became soul mates
The kind where you were my favorite friend in the rain and I wore your shirts and boxers when I was cold but mainly whenever we were near each other we were bare and exposed and warm from whiskey but never felt the urge to go further than platonics
You dared me to *** in the shower and I refused but two minutes later you smelled it and your cat scared itself and we laughed so hard we cried then fell off the bed and laughed so hard we farted
I never had that comfort before you
I miss that comfort sometimes still

We jumped over couches and you slipped in and got your socks soaked
Empty beer bottles and cigarette butts caked my table and you let me pick the music
Then we crawled under my sheets and watched shows that gave me nightmares when I was seven
You drove a state to see me but I only kissed you once
I wanted to feel alive again and the closest I got was eating in the dive Chinese restaurant while talking to your roommate as you were getting food next door

We made love, we make love, we made love. Under warm honey-colored sheets, I am alive again and I made love.

Nights and city lights remind me of wheels, homemade meals, and a naked mattress where secret vows were stolen from each other’s drunken tongues

Days and sun rays bring me back to parks, kiss marks; with flower wreaths sewn from beneath my knees and soft body spots in grass so sharp I can still feel it against my skin

And it all hurts so much

Marmalade-
Your name,
Slips from sweat-soaked teeth
And plops onto my lap
You told me you hate your curls,
But I could wrap myself in them completely,
comfortable I can
Dance around on crumbs with a cigarette dangling from my lips where that bench used to be
And I dont sleep as well as I did with Him but
I could be more Me in one night than I ever would be with You
I can be me with you
I made bets on how long you would last and I'm still waiting to see if I'll win
But my stomach hurts from laughter and I forgot how this felt
Your stomach is covered with ink and I remind you of it with my nails
We have yet to sleep before 4am and I have yet to want to sleep before 3
I want to talk to you until I run out of breath
I want to listen to you until I no longer hear
Not a day after
And no sooner too
Company.
We both needed company,
and we have found each other
instead

Ex, ex.: lover, friend, “I love you”, (?)
Creech, bleach, screech, leach, I want to throw my head against a wall if I hear that one more
Time, mine, mine, mine, hers
Sardines, pasta, chicken, *****, not sure if we made nachos,
Morse code: ¿???¿  
Vicodin, spilt eggs, late night grocery shopping, that **** ******* place
We sat, flavor blasted, sombrero hanging from your roof with wilted rubber ballooned-friends and red candle wax dripping from your walls
Pick me up, kiss me, walk me into a door frame on the way into your bathroom for our nightly routine of brushing teeth and *******
*******? No. More than that.
Shots, you ran to get my phone, you ran back home - to me… we spent my birthday trying to drown out the sounds of us “more than *******” with whiny ***** music that we saw at that concert where you bought me edibles and I felt so high on life and you and the way you said “I ******* love you” on our way back and I knew you didn’t mean it but I pretended to believe it anyway
Demetri. Demon, derailed, detain, dehumanizing, Monster, you held me when I screamed and shoved you, you told me “I’m here it’s me and I am here and you are safe” when I thought you were him, when I thought he was going to **** me again
I didn’t think of him once the first time around and I cried and you asked me what was wrong while half asleep and then forgot about it the next day but I never will. I was so happy.
Grass, wheels, homemade meals- get out get out get out!
Why are you on my mind at 2:33am two years later (I want to throw you up)

"Hi, I love you" your
Voice still echoes off the small
Hanging Polaroid
2. Tie me down and please
Swallow my tongue so that I
Can no longer scream
3. Red *** and pooling
Blood runs deep in your heavy
Veins begging to spill