Describe myself?

I am reminded of a wave
That rides itself
Until
It doesn't.

It crashes
Cascades
And accepts;
downward must the way.

As if only to be plain
A body of still water
Once more
Again.

For no reason is given
No resolution needed
A wave is but a wave
Until it isn't.

Cry, as only a child cries
Weep, as only the willows weep
Die, as only the dead can feel

There is a light that persists
There is a darkness
- it doesn't quit
The noose tightens, it weighs thick
Perhaps forever more, the glint
of grief

So I
fail, as only an adult can fail
Scream, let onto another scream
I am one, and I am me
My body is dead, and yet
I see.

I want too much, and that is the fault,

I want myself to be clear in thought,

I think badly of myself, late at night,

I hate what I've become
And I've become
what I want.

I'm playing on the floor
I see myself
I see the toys

I have no regrets and no flaws
I am an innocent
An endless augur

The destroyer of worlds
I call myself
As I make the toys suffer
Suffer like a child suffers

For only a teenager knows
That what came before
Was without inhibitions
A playground of choice

As only the adult recalls
Perhaps with fondness
Without sounding any alarms

The days of purity and acting
The years of guises and comics
The halloweens and
empty promises

May they never come back
Nay,
For in the back of my mind
I am still that same child
The destroyer of worlds
The same wandering soul
A toy that was never
Left unturned

I said to him
And he gave me one of those
looks.

Like he didn't know
What the **** I was talking about
As if I was the crazy one

It tears the soul
And it should.
To not feel happiness for years
To not remember the last time
you gave into a feeling of content.
"I'm good enough"
Were the words that couldn't
mend.

There is no point in lying
To the soul.
There is no point in trying
To forgive.
You're not crying for anyone
standing outside your door.
No one calling you when
you're walking home
alone.

As if I even for a moment
Could float on innocence
Could rest in optimism
Look myself in the mirror
And toast my own well-being.

No.

I'm sorry I didn't choose the other road
I guess I just couldn't see it from where I was standing.
I guess I'll probably find it again.
I guess life turns at some point.
But alas, I'm only guessing.

She made me peaches on ice
Like it was the 1920's
She was Greta Garbo
And I Hemingway

We went out
And toasted to good will
Youth and prosperity
Innocence the norm
And carte blanche
The martini

Without the olive
Because she had to eat it
And laughed, while ever so
slightly teasing

I felt better than Paris on a spring day
I felt stronger than a million sympathies
I felt as if the world had a plan for me
Alas, I was served
Peaches on ice
By the love of my life.
Perhaps it would
all be alright.

All I knew
Is that believing it
Made it real enough
To my wistful eyes.

She handed me a red dice.

If you're gonna run
She said,
You better run from
yourself.

You'll chase bliss,
Win your life,
Strangle fear
And conquer
heights.

But don't roll the dice
For just anything
quite.

When you're out of profit
An empty wallet
Ready to make a promise,
You'll find it
in your deepest pocket.

It will let you start anew
Like a star in a barren sky
You'll fly again
Perhaps even soon.

Just remember that
By the millions of odds
You got here in time
To be yourself.

No more
No less.

And so you
Do what you must
But you better do it right
There aren't too many dice throws,
Given here in life.

And so
I rolled.

Needles?
They don't cut
They only leave a sting

For about a moment there
I was content meeting
The chills

And so,
What dies will soon
Become what is known
As the pain that separates
The heart from the soul

It's a pain that doesn't
Understand why it's there
Never have I loved so much
And never did you care.