Intrusive, imminent sparks
One single, or solitude
Perhaps plural
A diving desperation

To fill and replace
An all-day-long chase
Let it pass by
My face unmoved wry
A toxin I sit
Try reasoning it
My questions make weaker
The answers cut deeper
Not mine, now befouled
Can’t think passed that kind of loud

Never ceases
Hardly rests

I swallow blood
Glides through my neck
Blurry shaking

Amist black fits
Rips, twists, hits, kiss
****
Are you sure you want this?

Swollen, inflamed seas we call my eyes
And permanent frown lines

Obsession is an understatement
A suffocating, seductive idea
Grows to mania
Oh that mania

At least it's all mine

Romanticize trauma
I adore that folding, shrinking pain
Takes from my core, birthed from my core
Come accompany this misery, please

Your silent thoughts ****** me
*Torment me
Torment me

Creativity, I thought of it
This was pleasant, this radiated no negative
Just imaginative and calm

That imagination turned horrifying
The creative child matured
Mix the two and you've got an eloquent, angry, mature, child
Aka *****

Fear, deep fear and a mind that's just relentless for destruction
Full, entirely full of love, only to be crushed so deeply into sadness and rage moments after
Loving and needing but hating and destroying simultaneously
Craving it
Despising it
Physically needing it
Yearning, weeping, sobbing from my core for it
  Enraged and urged to destroy it
Loving it
what?

A love so immense it can ****
A need so immense it will ****
Every time
Separation is death
Break down, part by part, eternities long
To death
And there's nothing
But blank and numb and black and white
   Feel, come on, feel
*ha ha

A true relationship is fluid and energy generating
Being dynamic, it should activate your highest potentials

You have forced me to realize what we had for those years was never a true relationship, or a true love
I do not solely blame myself or solely blame you for our many fails
But as far as myself goes, I know what my faults were

I often lost my sense of self the longer we were "on"
Wondering when it would end that time, I became anxious and derealization would occur randomly
I clung to you in anticipation of my heart sinking and shattering and taking my soul with it

Those feelings do not emanate from love though, do they?
No
They emanate from fear
I did love you
But then I feared you
Feared your absence, neglect, reactions, and that, is not love in any way

The trust I gave you time and time again was never held with care
Maybe you never knew just how low and broken I'd be
Maybe you did
My wisdom never let me forget that loving someone and being loved meant allowing vulnerability
I knew and know love will never be love unless you're vulnerable in some way
But my oblivious heart somehow believed giving you complete control was a part of that

Starting anew after a year or so sounded incredible
But it didn't take long before reality emerged and I found myself in the same degrading and depraving phase I have been oh so familiar with, with you

The entire meaning of this is to say I know what I had for so long was not love, but fear
And now that I don't fear you...
You're just a stranger that knows my weaknesses and none of my strengths
One that's only ever seen my lows, never my highs
And I'm ok with that

Mental goals:
The journey of attaining them
It is my instinctual pleasure
Mental discipline, learning new mindsets
I am addicted
When I write, when I observe, when I speak and when I don't speak,
All with the purpose of fulfilling one of my mental goals

My mind is my muscle
I exercise it in all ways of life
The many I collect within
I write about later
Preach of them later
To create the closing page
The kiss goodbye and the smile that follows
I do it all so seamlessly
That much more embedding
Meditate to reflect with the silent mind
For mediation heals not through words
But waves created and absorbed by the meditator

Dream?
Rather, I trance
Clairvoyantly and deeply
Surreal depression is all encompassing
Resting wholesomely in pit
Submerged for days

Birthed within for purpose
Almost as if I am entitled to certain knowledge
These trances are not subtle
An omnipresence exists
Shifting my point of view to be perceived as a film
An entirely silent film

Absent are words and sounds
Fully present is divination
Intuition at its vertex
Within streets and eyes
My surroundings and skies
I am given details of the trance I am in/watching
A glance triggers my insides to whisper

*As her eyes screamed fire
Her lips never parted
...
When her eyelashes thanked me
My exhale smiled