The worst thing,
most insidious thing
about trauma
is that
it doesn’t matter what anyone does,
in the end,
everything is,
(must be, has to be)
your fault.
Trauma is
a voice:
you should have known,
you should have done more,
you should have stood up for yourself,
what is wrong with you,
do you want to be miserable,
why did you trust,
don’t you ever learn?
Trauma is
you watching you
watching what you do,
watching what you don’t do,
watching it all go by.
Trauma is
a voice:
do something
do something
do something.
Trauma is
screaming at a pre-taped football game,
expecting a different outcome.
Trauma is
begging the fictional character to not open the door
when there is clearly a killer waiting.
Trauma is
the hole you keep finding yourself in,
whether or not you see it,
maybe you fall in,
maybe you dive in,
it doesn’t make a difference.
Trauma is
painful -
repeated openings of the same wounds,
hitting a bruise again, again, again,
watching the colors change -
but mostly,
it’s an embarrassment.
Trauma is
a voice:
This is fine.
You can’t tell.
This is fine.
You can’t tell.
This is fine.
You can’t tell.
Trauma is
your best kept secret.
Trauma is
the kind of ****** up
that can’t be named,
can’t be explained.
Trauma is
the kind of ****** up
that is too deep to be fixed.
Trauma is
who you are.