I slipped into oblivion
And for a minute or two I held hands with death
What separated us was nothing but murky water; Hade's Lethe
My fingers reached up
Or was it down?
They intertwined with his
He bent his Cimmerian face through the separating waters
His night colored lips briefly rested against mine
But not for long enough
I loitered on his doorstep just long enough for my heartbeat to recede, my breath to become  shallow~
And then I awoke
I crashed up through the pressing weight of the deep, black water
Death's sweet embrace was broken

I thought I meant it,
thirty pills over three days
spaced out like the margins of
a book, double lined

shaken awake, I stir
like a cat roused from it's sleep,
stretching out the length of my body, arching my back, ready to attack

there is the needle, poking veins, collapsed veins that do not shed their blood easily, willingly

the tightness of a blood pressure band, constricting, heartbeat pulsing, ringing in my ears like titinus

the weight of near death, the long wait, internal quiet, external chaos

it breaks

no

(I didn't mean it.)

About my friend Andrew commiting suicide and the effects it had on me after.

Under                
The
Gun

Back bend
Bend back
Tear    crushed    rip

Under
The
Gun

Pressure building rising
mounting
rising higher
than ever before

I stood there alone wishing to be catapulted back into your stare
That 2 quarter sun
I stood on a snowy bridge hoping to be part of free light
Cutting shadows at right angles from tall buildings and mountains in various places between time zones

I stood frozen in winter storm staring down at your memory as if a leaf passed by me on the swift river current,

I stood gazing hard into that cold river water wishing to see past shadows

Wanting to penetrate illusions for one more chance to see your face laugh

Only You could see me, only You could feel me
Wanting to give up

Under
The
Gun
Under
The
Frozen
Tree

Her long branches sweeping the grass in 360 degrees
but still her protection could not save me

While I tried to fall asleep
Half dead by the thought of your death
7 degrees out
Back pressed hard into frozen pine needles,
Each one seemed to stab me with scattered puzzles
Of elusive memory I could hardly see
I lay there curled up as time brought your face to me in waves

And each piece of memory I could not stitch back together
With my mortal, clumsy hands

Under
The
Gun
Sweating bullets to find you as you were
Clean  clear   crisp
With music blasting from your room and us,
2 rebels trying to express that hard, undying rebellion swelling wide and contagious inside us.

It out grew the planet, soared into another galaxy and took over
Back bend
Bend back
Crushed
Tear
Rip
Under
The
Gun
Pressure building
Mounting
Rising
Climbing
Rising
Higher than ever before
Under
The
Gun
I lay there thinking how much I wanted to float away with that leaf that just went past me
Down the river to the sea
I lay there

Under
The
Gun

Remembering when our struggle to find beauty in our souls
Clashed like Iron swords against our own created demons,
When our own battle sent us into the underground
To find a voice of reason, to express our fiery rebellion into mics
That knew our rage.
Under
The
Gun
I lay there dreaming about that time in LA
When we were walking and you pretended to be crazy
“Watch This”      You said.  You put your hands on your head and took off, screaming to yourself,
Some kind of free rant screeching from the streets of the ******.
Your wild eyes piercing at the sidewalk
Your speedy gait so perfect while you plowed  past people as if you just escaped the loony bin.
Your black anarchy jacket patched with punk bands glowed under the decadent LA lights like exiled stars.
Everyone on Hollywood Boulevard ignored you, if I hadn’t known you I would have too.

You had me convinced you were just as insane as anyone else who I’ve seen do that.
You secretly became my hero in that moment.
You made me fall to my knees in laughter, the stars on the sidewalk sparkled, all my worries dissolved.

It was a gut wrenching bout with hilarity.
Needless to say hilarity kicked my ***
remnants of puzzles is all I have now
Every night I lay there dreaming, trying to see elusive pieces of memory floating far away at sea.

Under
The
Gun
I breathe
Waiting for a final bullet
To find me
Please   please   please
Send me to my friend
Floating            far away at sea…..

What do you do when your life comes crashing down?
Everyone you loved is no longer around,
You try so hard but keep getting knocked back,
In the end you say "**** it" and hit on a bottle of Jack,
Nothing is going right in your life,
And you cry yourself to sleep at night,
The only thing that sounds appealing,
Is commiting suicide.

Don't give up,
Don't give up on life,
because some day,
Your life will go right.

Life is a rollercoaster,
It has it's highs and lows,
But it's no one elses decision,
But yours on which path you choose to go.
Sometimes we're right,
Sometimes we're wrong,
It doesn't mean you don't belong.

All the people we've loved and lost,
We pray for guidance from up above,
So before you go and grab that knife,
Think about it,
Don't waste your life.

Don't give up,
Don't give up on life,
Because some day,
Your life will go right.

The proof of past times.
The warning of the lost minds.
Who is more sane?
The man in suit and briefcase in hand.
Or the man who's cup jingles all covered in rags.
One clone circuits through the track never to win the race he runs.
The wonderer thinks on greater things but he's the only one.
There is no soul within the clones.
There's only ever wants.
To be accepted, labeled normal.
The manufacture never stops.
The few and wise are weary.
They see the soulless dancers.
They understand that man's diseased.
The Earth's very own cancer.
It's funny how they think themselves to be as good as good can be.
Then **** the world around them.
If they have hearts, they do not beat.
They trample truth beneath their feet!
They give no hope to those who seek!
They say their strong but THEY ARE WEAK!
THEYRE ALL AFRAID TO BE UNIQUE!
AFRAID OF TRUTH AND HUMBLE LIFE!
THIS MASS IS COMMITING SUICIDE!
FOR THEIR OWN COMFORTS AND LUXURIES.
YOU ALL ADD TO THE DISEASE.
but i am only one small voice.
They cannot hear above the noise.
They are a selfish loathsome thing.
The clones converge into one being.
They have no mind to do whats right.
They follow wrong reject the light.
BUT I WILL YELL AND SCREAM AND FIGHT!
BECAUSE I HAVE NOT LOST MY SIGHT!
I FOLLOW GOD AND SOMEDAY SOON.
He'll loose his rage.
To all untrue.

Don't you know it's Christmas?
Theres kids cutting themselves
Toys being put on all the shelves
Were dealing with ISIS
But the holidays are priceless
Don't you know it's Christmas?
Theres people dealing with cancer
All we care about is Rudolf and Prancer
Theres teens commiting suicide
They should be kept warm and on the inside
Don't you know it's Christmas?
Al Quida taking the life of children
And were wondering when Santa's coming back again
Theres kids doing drugs
While were surrounded with hugs
Don't you know it's Christmas?