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Frank Nov 2018
At first, I thought being alone was bad
because
it's embarrassing.

But when I'm home
on my own,
there is something else.

Something else that I hate
about being alone.

And every time I'm on my own,
I recognize it.

Its been with me
for a long time.
Frank Nov 2018
Hush now, its just m̵̗̐͜e̵̢̍ͅ and you.

You're asleep.

We have lots of c̴̠̈́͝a̶̛̞͘t̶̪̊č̵̨̝̊h̶͙̖̎͂i̵͍̰̒͊ṅ̷̮̥ḡ̵̼̲̿ ̸̭̗̌͗ų̴̳̑̽ṗ̵̞̫̃ to do.

It's ok.

Ill tell you everything you did w̸̧̹̗̝͈͌͊̋̅̿͗̚̕ȑ̶͙͎̯͓̓̈o̴̢̭͙̫̠̮̹̬̮̫̫͋͛͛̒̓͐̄͆̓̀͗̑̊̽͝ͅͅͅṇ̶̛̻̑̆̂̀̕­̡͇g̴̢͎͇̩̹͚͈̈́͗̈́̽.

Its ok.


Ill tell you e̸̺̖͖̘̺̼͖̗͕̹̦̺̼͇͇̣̫̮͎̹͕̣͋̌̐̈́̑̂̓͂̆̐̒͒̐̔̒̽̾̆̅̕͘͝͝v̵̙̿͛́̈́̍̀͝e̷̽̂̓̌͗̚­̧̧̢̱̖̬̣̦̬͖̤̲͇̥̥͇͕̍r̵̭͙̥̺̙̜͉̹͕̽̍͆̈́̉̽̾͂̋̕͝͠y̶̡̜̝̮͙̞͖͔̻̻͙̲̒̅͐ͅ ̶̢̧̩͚̝̰̺̜̎̈̀͆͐̉̀́͑̊͂͐̌̒̂̀̃̊̊͘̚͘͜͠d̷͎̤́̔̽̂̑̒͐̑̈́͛̾̈́̿́̊̅̾̕͘̕͝͝͝e̴͋̐͠­̡̠̟̥̼͈͇̫͉̙͕͕͜ṫ̷̡͎̪͈͆͆͠a̸̗̼̤͚͉̟̞̞̥͓̹͔̼̩̟̔̒̏̌̉́́̓̂͒͌̋́͂̑̎͒͜ͅi̷̋̔̅̈­̧̡̡̰͚̱̝͍̱͉͙̎̇͒̈̐̓͛̔̅̔̚̕͠͝ḻ̷̡͖̗̝̿̋͋͜ͅ.̵̧̛̻̼̪̥̘͙̹̜͇͉͎̈́̉̏̐̉̉̋͑̏͆̓̓̀­̥̮̥̜̱̲̱̠͈̦̤͎





Y̸̢̓̌͐̎̒̒ö̴̩̞͕͍͕̣̼̼͕́͗͑̉͋̈́̃̓̀́͊͘͜ͅú̸͐̿̏̒̃̉́͗́̔­̧̨̦͚͙͎̹͈͕̲̻̘̟̩̏ ̶̩̝͈͈̪͕̺̪̼̞͓̙̐́̉̌̒̐́̆̾̂́́͠ͅç̵̧̧̯̹̺̤̙̝̳̺̻̩̲̲̃á̷͕̙̥͍̻̀̚n̴̽̅́̓̀̈́̕͝­͇͓͓̮̰̣͔͉͕̝̓̍̊t̵̨̡͍̰̰̘̖̜̖͐̇͂́ ̵̘͔͇̩̭̤͖̹̺̥̙͇͎̦͓͇̉̆͑́̽̃͑͛̃͂͝s̷̮̜̬̩̞̮̖̪͙̫̪̱̗̠̣̾̈̌̽̉̚̚̕͜t̷̓̾̔̒̎̇͐̚͝­̼̹̖̱̟͈͍̦͈̜̩̃̒ͅö̴͚̤͍͌̑͝ͅp̴̧̧̧̭̼̩̭̗̗̹͔̘̏ͅ ̸̜̅̏̎̐̊͆̌̐̇́̒̍̈́̚͝m̴̧̧̰͕͈̣̬̰̯̰̦̲̣̀͂̋̐̿͛̚̕̚ë̵͍̤́͠.̶̩̞̻̭̯̘̥̪̥̱̰̅



­
Because I H̷̢̧̻̭̹͎͚̭̤̤̲̲̦̹̹̣̞̪͈̞̤͚̰̰̞͔̥̠̲̱̮͓̳̞̪͈̺̦̘̲̺͑̅̽̔̑́̆̄̑̿̒͑̏̑̾̌̈́͑͆͘͜͝­̝͎Ă̶̢̧̡̛̰͕͇̹͙̹͕͉͕̞̥̗͔̭̪̣͙̦͔̥͈̬̼͛͑̑̓̏͊̓̄̌̒͗̈́̾͆̓̊̿͛́̊̈́̓̃̀̎̒̽͘̕͝͝͝ͅ­T̸̡̢̮͓̩͉̞̥͍̻͉̯̠̮̩̪̺̥̪̥̤̦͙̤̯̞͖͈̠͎̰̫̬̠̩̯̜͖͙͓̦̞̬̯̀̂̒͐͛̄̋͋͆́͐͋͘͝͝ͅͅE̸­͇̤̖̲̟̲̾͊͆̇̄̃̀̓͊͊͆̏́̕͜͠ you.
Frank Nov 2018
You know those fake arguments you have in the shower?
Anxiety is like that.
Except it's all the time.
And you always lose the argument.
Frank Nov 2018
I'm cold
so cold
How long has this blizzard been?

I'm freezing
I can't feel anything anymore
Will I ever feel again?

Why am I so cold?
Why can't others see it?

or is it normal

If it's normal to feel this ice in my heart


Then I don't want it anymore
Frank Nov 2018
sometimes I see it
the other side

sometimes its like I'm really there
one of them

but

why do I wake up from the dream

when this nightmare

has gone on

for so long
Frank Nov 2018
I don't want to sleep
I don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to start again

I'm scared of sleeping
I'm scared of closing my eyes
I'm scared of starting again

I'm scared
If
Frank Nov 2018
If
If I'm not feeling sick, I can pick up another bottle
If I can still hold the ****, I can take another hit
If I can still hold the e-cig, I haven't had enough nicotine

If the hunger is still bearable, I can sleep another hour
If the assignment isn't due, it can wait another day
If I won't throw up, I can take another bite
Frank Nov 2018
When did I start d̴r̶e̶a̴m̷i̸n̷g̷?

When did I realise it was a n̴̜̑î̶̼g̸̡̕h̵̦̀t̵̠͊m̷͓̽á̶ͅr̴̪͘e̸͛ͅ?


When did I realise I̵̬̾̋ ̵̠̐͝ẃ̶̜͙á̴̗̻s̷̜̾̈͜ ̵̠̽d̶̻̼̓r̵̺̎e̶̲͑̅a̸̖̎́m̸̰̺̔į̷̻̎n̷̛̟g̶̫͉̒?̵͓̽͂ͅ



How l̵̹̰̇ó̶̼n̴̠͋g̵̩͆ has it b̷̡̘̘͆́̔é̴̮̥̺͓̓͝ę̴͋́͝n̵̯̯̣̍̿̾͠?




H̶͚̰̬̅̋͜ỏ̴̰̖̀w̶̞͙̭̬̆̀̓͘ ̴͓̊̇̏̃w̵̩̽͝į̶̲͑̆͗̚l̵̗̮̼̯͌l̴̥͂͂͋ ̴͇͍̖̾́́̀I̴͈͂̚͘ ̵̰̗̯̺̽ḵ̵̗̒n̶̺͕͠ȍ̸͎̗̲̓̀w̶͓̭͕͛͑ ̵̛̫̗͖ẅ̴̯̯͚͓́ḥ̵̢͙̯̍́̔̉ḙ̸̉͋n̷̻̣̜̏̓ ̴͕̊͜I̷̳̟͒͌̋͜'̷̪̇̕m̷̰͊ ̵̨̳̒͒̈́̈a̵̧̲͈̰̿̑̈́̉w̴͕͎͇̱̄͑͂͑a̸͙̾̂́̃k̵̦͛͝e̸͊̑͜?̶̢̮͗





W̴͖̺͖̭͒̚̕h­̶͔̪̥́̑̐̚è̸̤͒̚ñ̶͖̯͓̱ ̶̲͓̘̺͐̎w̵̟͔̎ï̵̦̤̙ͅl̶͎̰̱͎̈́͘l̶̼͇͚̉ ̷̡̧̡̈́i̵͎͙͍̅t̵͚͌ ̶̪̎̆͆̿è̷̥̲͓͝n̶̠̣͐̓͒d̸̦̣̔?



̴͕̻̣̠̟̼͉̖͂̉͒W̸̯͑̚̕͝ḭ̴̥́̋̍l̴̀̓͌̿̑͘͠­̙̭͓ļ̵͈̼̼͕̗̏̈́̄̆̓̉̄͝ ̵̛̻̐͑̇̓͌̃͜͝t̸̢̪̣̰͍̝̎͐̍̀̽̐́͜ͅh̸̻̳̤̭͎́̈́͆̏i̸̲͚͈͛̿͜s̵̭̥͖̠͍̣̔̈́̔̽̊̉ ̸̙͇̎́ṅ̷͎̻̣̝̉͊́̏ȩ̸̺͚͓͙̐̐͊̽̑v̶̰̐̽͗̔é̴̠̝͘r̶̠̩̉͒̎͛ ̴̨̙̽ė̸̞̮͉̲̏͑͐̅̾͜ͅn̴̬̣̞̲͍̙͊͛ͅͅd̴̡͉̹̫̳͐̀͛̓̾͊̚͝?̵̯͈̞̣͘
Frank Nov 2018
I'm not addicted, I just take it in the mourning to get out of bed!
I'm not addicted, I just take it to sharpen my mind in classes!
I'm not addicted, I just take it to relax afterwards!

I'm not addicted, I just need it to keep the memories away!
I'm not addicted, I just need it to keep my thoughts in line!
I'm not addicted, I just need it to keep going.
Frank Nov 2018
I say im fine, but im not.
I say its ok, but it isnt.
I say im not addicted, but i am.
I say its just a faze, but it isnt.
I say im going to be ok, but im not.
I say its normal, but it isnt.
I say im not going mad, but i am.
I say its just the ****, but it isnt.
I say im getting better, but im not.
Frank Nov 2018
I smoke **** every day
I smoke **** to keep my head on straight
I smoke **** to keep my thoughts from going astray

I like to smoke **** cos it keeps me content
I like to smoke **** cos it keeps them at bay
I like to smoke **** cos it makes me lament

when I smoke ****, and I will if I may
I think of all the friends I rent
I think of all the things I should say

I smoke **** every day
to fill the void inside
Frank Nov 2018
Here I am, at my computer

My desk is a mess
empty cans
empty bottles
empty pill cases
empty lighters

My life is like my desk
empty
a mess
and without any hope of being tidied up.
Frank Nov 2018
Nicotine for breakfast
It washes down the pills

Nicotine for lunch
It washes down the energy drink

Nicotine for Dinner
It washes down the alcohol

Nicotine for when I'm sad
It keeps the feelings from bursting out

Nicotine for when I'm happy
Or so I assume

Nicotine for when I'm alone
And I'm always alone


Nicotine when I can't bear it anymore
Frank Nov 2018
I see it sometimes

in a dream at night
in a dream at day

I see how good it could be
could've
been.

its
happy

I'm not sure what happy is, but what else could it be?

I see it in my dreams
pure happiness, held tightly in my grasp.

it's so alluring
so
captivating

but why
when it's at its best

must I always

always

ruin it
end it in tears
not just destroy it
but make it a nightmare

i think to myself, why do I always have nightmares and not dreams?
but
is it so?

or

do I turn my dreams into nightmares
always
Frank Jan 2019
They say music is the path to the soul
Through it, you can see
You can see into the deepest corners of yourself

But why
When I see it
Do I want to die?

What can I not remember
What have I shut out

Why does it haunt me
Frank Dec 2018
I haven't been happy for a long time
4 years? 8 years? I've lost count

I'm scared that
when I do find it
if I find it
I won't recognise it

and then it'll carry on
forever
Frank Nov 2018
We all have a monster inside
some choose to wield it, keeping it on a tight leash
some keep it locked up, and throw out the key

some choose to embrace it
some are able to fight it

but some didn't win the fight
some are tormented by it
hunted buy it

but

nobody can outrun the monster

nobody can hide from it


It will always find you, no matter what you think you can do.
Frank Nov 2018
Why can't I hear anyone anymore?
Why is everything grey?
Why do I feel like I want to collapse?
Why did I do this?
Why didn't I learn my lesson?
Why is it possible to feel this pain?

It must be a dream
A nightmare

Its been 7 years
Why can I still not hear anyone?
Why is everything still grey?
Why won't the nightmare end?


Hello?
Is anyone out there?



Am I dead?

— The End —