A familiar thing that sits on my shoulder as I go through my day
That lies with me as I sleep
Making my dreams become restless nightmares
That keeps me remembering
The thing that keeps me alert
It’s the song stuck in my head
Never letting me forget
All the pain and regret

It’s the ringing I get in my ears every now and then
That’s making me write this poem with my pen
It’s paranoia I get at night
Leaving me awake in a fright
When the darkness turns into my distant memories

Ptsd is the fear I get at loud noises
The hairdryer, the vacuum, yelling
It makes me feel like running
It’s the reason I’m so sensitive
Why I lost the will to be creative

Ptsd is a tree and I am the earth
It keeps its roots intertwined in me-
Rooted into my brain
Never letting me forget the pain
That we are the same
That we are one

When I first saw you, love came back into my heart
I raised my love for you with joy and happiness
Feeding it sweet lies
And telling it stories of us that stayed as dreams
I taught my love to chase after you and only you

So when I found out you were already raising your love for someone else
My love stopped growing
All the sweet lies had been poisoned
My stories could never come true
Chasing after you only hurts now

And I know if I give up on you
The pain won't go away
My love had never lived before I met you

You brought love back into my heart
Filling me with excitement and hope
Only for me to drown in my overflowing emotions
All those things I left unsaid pulled me under in a dark tide of feelings.

My love for you is never truly dead,
Just existing-
And it will stay with me forever

"Broken down and hungry for your love
With no way to feed it"

                    - Jeff Buckley

Numb
Is that how I should describe this feeling
This feeling of emptiness
That follows me everywhere I go
Gnawing away at my brain
Making me forget everything
My eyes heavy in their sockets

Detached
Maybe that would be a better word
To describe the endless nothingness ahead of me
I've gotten used to it
But I still write these stupid poems
Even though nothing comes from them
Nothing to help me
Nothing to save me


The emptiness
Its getting unbearable
There's nothing left
My sense of reality slips away from my fingertips
I've lost my sanity

I walk through the halls
Another day that I never asked for
I wouldn't feel this way if I wasn't here at all
As I walk I feel nothing
Because my legs do not belong to me
Because i'm not here
I'm nowhere
I’m gone and-
I can't feel
anything

He ached for a love that would never hold him
He yearned for the soft touch of belonging
But it never reached him
He stayed in the shadows while others bathed in the light of love
The warmth never reaching his untouched skin
His name never called
His presence never wanted
His voice never heard
But still-

He waited
Waited for hands that would never caress his
But his hands remained unheld
Cold and unwanted
Yet he tried to be patient
For the silent grace of falling in love
For the true beauty of it all

Like how the moon reflects off the water
Both elements creating one beautiful scene
Intertwined
Together
As one

But the beauty doesn’t last forever
So alone, he lay
Left behind by the crowd
Even though the emptiness surrounded him
He still ached
For a love that would never come
Love as far away
As the moon and the water-
Forever

Your face stays in the back of my mind day and night
but does mine?

I think about you all day
And dream about you all night.

The cold snow
My cold body
The beautiful stars glistening above me
Like flashing lights

I knew this would happen
No one will know what happened
Warm blood pools around me
The red and white making a beautiful scene
I always had been waiting for death
Couldn’t wait to take my last breath

The darkness
The peace
No more worries
Or insecurities
No need to hurry through life

It was inviting
It made me hopeful for death
It was calming
I feel my heart slowing
I breathe in the crisp winter air for the last time
And hope for better days in my next life

I’ll protect your essence with the blessings given to me on my fingertips.
I’ll wrap you in a blanket of protection woven from my caring.
I’ll nurse your darkest nights with the sweetest remedies,
and love you with all the warmth you have gifted me.

I love you.
I love the way you smile,
the way you talk,
the way your eyes light up when you’re excited.

I love the way you style your hair,
your laugh,
your small dimples,
and your warm hands.

I love the way you’re kind to others,
the way you take care of yourself,
the way you’re never afraid to show people who you are.

I love your hobbies,
your style,
your sweet words.

But most of all,
I love the way you look at me—
the way you make me feel safe,
the way you make me feel wanted,
the way you make me smile.

I love you.
Always and Forever.

I want to spend my whole life with you
yet I don’t even know your name.

I find beauty in everyone but myself.