I'm just another kid with pills and a wish to be killed.

I'm gonna do it I keep telling myself.
I'll swallow unspoken words,
Taking shots of pills like it's natural.
Maybe it would be better with only my face upon a bookshelf.

Should I leave a note?
Risk leaving the bathroom floor and everyone see me?
Maybe it would be easier to let these pills but free me.

The pills are in my hands right now,
Light as a feather usually, but now it's like holding a boulder,
Like a bullet I'd wanna shoot through my head to stop the thoughts.
I have but no one to lay my head upon their shoulder.

The hopes I wouldn't feel this way today,
shattered like glass, sharp as a knife that pierced through porcelain skin.
Like I have to **** myself to prove a point no one cares for.
Like I have a chance of being a boy instead of hoping only in my core.

I got her mad so she wouldn't care,
Send my ****** dead body but a glare.
But what would mom think?
Seeing her "daughter" dead on the floor by the sink.
The thought of it being her fault, the pills stain her brain like ink.

Everyone's neutral, it's the perfect time.
Maybe they'd think of my guts as but slime.
But if I were to die it would be selfish,
As my dad would've already cried and became less sheepish.
Would his kid with pills cause him to be squeamish?

I feel disgusting,
I feel like ****.
I don't want to, but I do as I sit.
I hate people like a man lusting.

I can't love, It doesn't fit like a glove.
Maybe one day I can stop it,
Fly free of these thoughts as if a dove.
I wish I didn't hate or love,
Wish I didn't think of these pills as if a gift from above.

I like my friends though,  they're cool.
They only but sometimes leave me sitting on a stool.
They're not necessarily cruel,
Someone I yern to become.

Yern to not be so nervous,
To be less skittish.
Maybe I yern to be anyone but me,
Yern to be what people see as me.

I'm not all of what one might think,
I cry after each blink.
Cause at the end of the day I'm not "mature" or "cool",
I'm just another kid with pills in reach.

Hope that bloomed in the darkness of the night,

Stay forever by my side,

Forever in my sight,

Let me be your guide.


See the universe shine,

I see the starlight in your eye.

You bloomed from the abyss,

Climbing walls that reach to the sky.


When the darkness blinds my sight,

I will find your scent in the night.

If i were to slumber forever more,

Tell me you wont leave my world.


Stay forever by my side,

My hope that bloomed in the night.

Stay forever my light,

My clematis by night.


If the world should play in reverse,

You were my god,

My UniverseUniverseUniverse.


Withered hopes,

Threaded by breaking ropes.

Can’t you stay here by my side?

You were my “forever” guide.

Up on the hill there's a plastic tree,

Are you here with me?

Is it another dream,

Or are you close to me?


Let’s set out at sea,

Spree to where you're close to me.

Cause you are my love,

My medicine that turns me into a dove.


When you're close to me,

In the submarine,

Does anyone know, love?

Or is this another dream?


If you can't get what you want,

Then come with me.

Close to me,

Like the plastic tree.


Up on the hill sits a manatee,

Drifted far from the sea.

Sitting with the plastic tree,

Are you here with me?


Just looking out for the day,

Just a dream but wont you stay?

Cause when there's a plastic tree,

You're close to me.

When i'm too drunk to drive,

Would you kiss me tonight?

What if the music was right?

Would you pick a fight?


When we would start to kiss,

The record would always skip.

I'd sit a little closer,

Flipping it back over.


Sharing a pack of cigarettes,

Burning through it with the brunette.

It’ll leave me with nothing.

It’ll leave you with nothing.


A foolish reason for a kiss,

Within my own selfishness.

Liking the closeness,

Pulling when the record skips.


Pulled from the abyss,

Only when I felt the warmth of your lips.

You leave me to reminisce,

About our first kiss.

All the leaves have fallen off,

All the branches are small.

The sky helps me stall,

Waiting to wish upon a star.


What color is the sky painted?

The color of your emotion is faded.

The bonfire is created,

The wind has your face painted.


Close your eyes,

Maybe we're falling.

Or is the wind just stalling?

The rain was falling as if I were bawling.


Tell me the color of your emotion.

Tell me if the rain is your devotion.

Is the bonfire burning,

Or am I only yearning?


Cause maybe i'm just falling,

Listening to your calling.

You're like a bonfire,

Unmatching with a wildfire.


So let me listen to your calling,

In the rain as if I were falling.

The bonfire is slowly fading,

Allow me to test what we created.

I ought to know that,

We are one in the same.

We can't fix it,

And I don't feel any shame.


We don't talk much,

Nothing really will ever change.

But i don't think i like it,

And I feel so strange.


If you were to go blue,

My heart would crack in two.

I wouldn't confront you,

We’d end up like we always do


If you know me you need to show me,

Or I'll just crack in two.

And I'm not sure you’ll fix it,

Just because I'm so used to it.


If you know me then show me,

Say it right back to my face.

Cause i think we could fix it,

Become not used to it.


Cause you know that we’re the same,

I have worse things I can take.

But i can't have you flake,

Or else I won't have my escape.

I pray for love,
But still wait for the mirror to show me a face that feels real.
Easy for a word but too rigid for more than just a few.
A replacement for one you couldn't hold.

If I did not speak first would you see me?
If my voice was soaked and softened into silence,
Would you swim and search for me,
Would the room be different?

Love has only ever been a theory for me-
Never stepping too close or asking for more than what's given.
My fear is what if there was nothing more
If I reached out for nothing more than air.

I watch from afar, from a door they've forgotten to close.
Maybe if i stayed quiet i would've known.
Do they see me as i see myself in a mirror,
Wanting to believe I belong-that who I see staring back isn't me.
Someone who i can't refuse and have to be,
A name I've outgrown but won't leave.

I don't want to be me, not today, not tomorrow.
I stare at old photos with a pang of disgust,
A deep sorrow I can't name looking at someone who has never even been me.
Tangled in a web of doubt as if I came out they'd see me as I saw myself.

One day ill be able to find the words to say,
And hope they don't see me in the same way
I pray for love, waiting for the mirror to show me.