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Mar 2021 · 115
What is right?
Ivy Mar 2021
Emotional replacement
Distortion
Got out of control
Lost in proportion
My intuition and my hesitation
Are playing with me
I’m not passing this test
Can’t give it a rest
And I’m protesting
And hoping for best
It’s my manifest
I’m on a quest
And questioning
All that I’ve learned
I feel like I’m locked
Between past and the future
But trying to put myself first

And I would give it a try
If I knew this is mine
But getting hopeless and cry
I’m alone all the time
With wrong people around
Who are messing with me
Oh I wish I was free
Let me make it all clear
I’m unhappy with being like this
From outside I’m adult
But deeply inside
I’m like abandoned child
Who doesn’t know what is right
I guess that would be a better lyrics for a song then a poem itself. But I don’t play any musical instrument anymore. Oh well... So let it just be here.
Feb 2021 · 83
Barely a writer
Ivy Feb 2021
Barely a writer
Barely writing  
Merely I’m fighting
With voices in my head

Nearly precisely
Preciously writing
Previously cutting
My separate selves

Ludicrously fighting
Showing off and hiding
Bragging around and slightly
Loosing my mind

I’m sliding
Then standing up and climbing

But after all I’m bounded
But not like them
Not grounded
Honestly compounded
Loosing control
I’m frightened


I’m on my own
Confiding
Chasing what good
Delighted
Following dream
Exciting

I’m letting go
Or leaving?
Perceptions
They’re deceiving

Living a dream
Or dreaming
Extending illusion
In and out
Bleeding

Life is confusing
I’m controversial
Seeking myself
Among other selves
Deceiving yourself
Who are you
for god’s sake?
Feb 2021 · 86
I would
Ivy Feb 2021
I would live in a tent on the rooftop
Of this home of yours
Watching the starts every night
And dreaming about the universe
Of our life meaning
Of our purpose and goals
I could hear the wind singing
And telling me what’s true and what’s false
Dec 2020 · 97
They will see
Ivy Dec 2020
I was drowning
I was sinking inside my mind’s depth
I will not tell to anyone what I have found there
Because they’ll never understand
But they will see
Dec 2020 · 61
Words
Ivy Dec 2020
Too excited to sleep
Scribbling words instead
Putting them together
In the finest order
Shoulder to shoulder
Staying them all
So unique and so equal
My words
Existing independently without me
Before and after
I’m borrowing them while I can
Breathe
But words continue to live
Dec 2020 · 55
Was I ever happy?
Ivy Dec 2020
I don’t remember
Was I ever happy
Tell me about it
I wanna know
What does it like
To wake up with no fear?
How does it feel
To fall asleep without anxiety on?
Sing me a song
About how life is easy
When all is good
And you’re okay
Show me this dream
I want get closer
I want to touch it
Please don’t go
Stay
How are you so calm
When I’m all trembling?
How you’re so sure
While I’m in doubts?
And getting nervous tick
From the fake smiling
But smile of yours is true
Something I wrote almost one year ago. Feels so weird to read my old stuff..
Dec 2020 · 200
Who am I to you?
Ivy Dec 2020
I had this thought which I have found a little scary
What if these things which you were saying
You said but didn’t mean at all
Who am I to you after all?
A friend? A person you hanged out with for a month?
Or just a gal you had acquaintance with?
Avoiding girly analyze
Of what you think and say to me
Of what you wanted me to hear
Or what you feeling
What are you feeling deeply?
Our relationship is going through time testing
And are we passing such exam?
Some time ago you even made a joke that we could marry
Each other
Oh my god  
I even didn’t know how to react on such request
But honestly I’d probably consider proposition
Not from romantic side and all
But just because it’d give the possibility to stay with you a little
And do the things together
The things we dreamed about
You know we short in options
In current situation
When boarders closed
And lockdowns everywhere
I wish to share with you my moods
Right at the moment
And now it’s hard to do
We’re having 14 hours difference
My sunrise - your sunset
It’s gonna be two years already
That’s why I’m asking you
If you’re ready
Not let your joke come true
I may not ask you for such thing
But do you wanna have with me
Some part of our future?
Dec 2020 · 62
Silent friend
Ivy Dec 2020
My dear friend why have you been so silent lately?
I feel like you’re just cutting off myself from life of yours
But yet that’s imprecisely
What’s going on with you my dear?
What frightens you and making to go quite?
You trust me, don’t you?
I don’t see it
You would consider telling me what happened otherwise
But you didn’t
So far away you squeezed between four walls
Unpleasant situation
You going through a lot now
But who knows?
It seems you feeling more like face it one on one
Dec 2020 · 46
My lovely friend
Ivy Dec 2020
A refugee
Nomadic and a loner
Like gypsy traveling the world
In hope to find a place to stay
Oh wild youth
My teenage dreams
Remember every moment
Every glimpse
Of truth
Like drinking till the dawn
And sharing deepest secrets
With you
My lovely friend
And you’re so far away
We’re thousands miles apart
But even lands and oceans
Will never sunder us
Have you forgotten dear
The scent of my soft skin?
But I remember clearly
The way you looked at me
How have you shuddered
Being nervous
How have you laughed
And smiling happily to me
Oh that was lovely

I wish that I could cherish more
All moments that we had
With you
From me
With love
To
You
Dec 2020 · 44
Break the core
Ivy Dec 2020
What are you doing to yourself?
You silly thing
Don’t you remember
How bad was it
Like falling down the rocky hill?
You’ve got the fancy look
And doing pretty well
But deep inside you’re still scared
I know you’ve hidden sinnery and lust
Behind the angle they’re waiting
And underneath your gloss
You know you’re pretending
Who are you really?
Do you know?
What purpose are you chasing?
Layer by layer peeling off
Your masks, your skin
And going deeper
What do you see there
Frightens you
But you continue
Facing yourself
Searching the truth
The reason and consequence
And when you break the very core
You know that you’re saved
Dec 2020 · 40
Freedom
Ivy Dec 2020
I’m not gonna be devoted to one man or two
Because of what I choose
To be devoted to myself only
Have passed those times
When women were belonging to somebody
I can be free in my own glory
No doubt
I love my freedom
The cost was paid by my ancestors
The price was high
But yet it worth it
With blood and sweat and lifes
Of those brave women
We got the power now
Dec 2020 · 237
Concerned
Ivy Dec 2020
I feel like I’ve deceived myself
But that was long ago
And now I’m coming back
Revealed reborn
Renewed soul
I’m on my path
Unbreakable and strong
I am the power
You’re the witness

I am abundant
I’m concerned
Dec 2020 · 206
Lying and falling
Ivy Dec 2020
I am who’s lying to myself
I am the one deceiving sacred
What are you doing for god’s  sake
Why this pretending
Your weaknesses are falling one by one
Revealing burgeons
Your sins, addictions and the vice
What a delight
What a betrayal
I’m in a fight
But what I’m fighting for?
For whom’s this glory?
For whom’s this vanity?
Is that for you?
Or for your bloated ego only?
I do mistakes
But can I fix them?
Sometimes I think they’re beyond retrieve
I feel I’m sinking and I’m falling
In the dark
Dec 2020 · 308
Burning fire
Ivy Dec 2020
What is the truth and what is lost
Depends on your perception only
Don’t go against the weather
Go with the wind
Like a free feather
Float on the surface
Float with the grace
Don’t trust the hesitation
Instincts only
What is forbidden
Your decision
What is forbidden
Is that pleasure?
You’re playing games
But do you know the rules?
Of what is hidden underneath
Your clothes, your classy look
Your shallow glamorous temptation
I am who knows
I am the critic
I’m egoistic
And I’m sharing
I am the one who’s feeling blue
And all I know is knowing nothing
I’m indecisive
And precisely knowing
What to do
Or should be doing
I’m concerned of my duty
I am alone among desires
I am the one who’s burning fire
Dec 2020 · 422
To go beyond
Ivy Dec 2020
No words out loud
Until the wounds are healed
Rebuild old memories from the past
How long it lasts this phase of healing scars?

Pretending loner feeling lonely
You’re being whole
However do not comprehend it

Common issue
Going crazy
In your head
Clenching fists
And till the end you’re staying

Strong, in and out you’re solid
You’re eyes don’t blink
Your breath is calm and deep
Creature’s contemplating
Inside itself

It’s watching sun that’s falling down the west
Horizon bursts and swallows cosmic star
Illusions scatter, something’s calling you
To go beyond
Yourself
Dec 2020 · 50
Grow
Ivy Dec 2020
I try to grow in all the ways
But i reverse instead
Oh well
Conquer the winner
Be the prize
For your self first
And then for others
There is no way except the way you’ve chosen
If you did
But if you didn’t
Dangling around
Is what you have
Indeed you’re cursed
Until your mind unsettled and
Your body is a jail
However you could build from it a fortress
That’s on you
Like everything besides
It’s been
It is
It will be
You
Dec 2020 · 46
Alone
Ivy Dec 2020
I don’t have my loved around
Or even closer
I’m all alone conquering the Far East
And feeling like imposter

My journey lasts for years
I’m finding truth within
I’m changing homes and friends
Disposable existence

I’m dreaming thoughts and thinking dreams
I’ve got the sorrows ocean
And desperations filling hopes
I’m drafting aims in motion

Acclaimed homeless,
Introspective
I’m looking at the west
It’s tempting
And those desires it might have
Achieve which is requested

— The End —