or second
or third
or ever



I lay in bed at night and think back to that fight that made you scream your lungs out at me for being a mixture of broken pieces glued together. I don't blame you


You hated that I needed assurance everytime you said you loved me but I couldn't help it because love had never been my closest friend,
it never acknowledged my existence long enough to stick around longer than the sunrise


You never understood why I declined hanging out with your friends I never understood either but my cousin from out of town called anxiety came to visit and I felt obligated to spend time with him
I never liked my cousins from out of town

You told me to start loving myself and that I couldn't ever love anyone if I didn't love myself the most, but
Loving you is taking all the love that I can't give myself and putting it to good use
Loving you makes me cancel plans with my cousin from out of town
You can hold my hand while I learn to love myself
You can kiss my cheeks while I heal
You can stick around longer than the sunrise

On that Sunday morning I turned to the left side of the bed reaching to grab your hand but I found nothing but your absence reaching back grabbing my hand pulling me out of bed yet leaving my body there walking me through the empty rooms filled with your echo and scent that I breathe in and out while wandering still being held hostage by your absence it's like it's trying to show me something that's been hiding in the gaps you left in my heart and soul I can't sleep at night knowing I can't reach for your hand or comfort or kiss me goodbye before you leave I begged you please yet there was still nothing but empty bedsheets and broken promises in the kitchen and some lost dreams on the balcony