I know it's wrong.
But daydreaming about you....

It just feels
Right.

I am more than just regurgitated knowledge.
I am more than a statistic.
I am more than just a book worm.
I am more than a nerd.
I am more than just a tough little girl.
I am more than a rebel.
I am more than just the clothes I wear.
I am more than makeup on a face.
I am more than just my father's daughter.
I am more than a sister.
I am more than just a face in the morning.
I am more than a lover.
I am more than just someone.
I am more than nothing.
I
AM
MORE.

I can feel you like an itch
Sitting beneath the skin.
I scratch and I scratch
Never quite satisfying.

Your smile, your lips parting,
That glint in your eyes
The way you look without looking,
Has me scratching again.

I think I’m falling
With no parachute,
The wind is cutting me
Busting me in two.
When I hit solid ground
I’ll break to pieces,
Guts bursting, heart showing
Everything it releases.
I believe I’ll be fine
With falling so far,
Especially if falling
Takes me to where you are.

Red tights,
Flowing cape,
The city is calling,
It's not too late.

Spandex briefs,
Form fitting suit,
Humans are appalling,
****, ****, Loot.

Well defined muscles,
Girly boots,
The Joker and Penguin
Are in cahoots.

Carefully coiffed hair,
Gigantic chin,
Perched about the town,
Waiting for crime to begin.

Invisible car,
Cool technical gadgets,
Oh! He got away!
Curses! Almost had him.

A steel man,
The speeding bullet,
My weakness is this string...
Please don't pull it....

You crafted airplanes
Out of paper and tape.
Putting faith in a hero
Minus tights and cape.
Someone to take you
Up into the sky.
You and your planes
Soaring high.
He carried you there
On his shoulders wide.
Your hero took you
A paper airplane ride.
For years you flew
With paper and hero.
Airplanes gliding
Gravity zero.
Til your hero tired
Could carry no more.
You traded your paper planes
For engines that roar.
Your hero smiled
As you took to the sky.
You no longer needed him
To make you fly.

I can't remember why I held you up so high,
You've got nothing but a cold emptiness inside.
It spread like a virus and washed over me,
Into my strength you planted the weakest seeds.
I became what you wanted, broken to nothing,
When all I ever desired to be was your something.
You held me so low that I scraped on the ground,
With your virus inside I couldn't make a sound.
I just bled and I bled until nothing was left,
You kept all my pride for yourself, such a petty theft.
I held you so high that you couldn't see the floor,
But I see the error in my ways and say, "Nevermore."

Here I am again.
Up all night again.
Fueling doubts again.
Daydreaming again.

Googling answers again.
Stalking social media again.
Wishing again.
Thinking again.

Here I am again.
Thinking about him again.
About you again.
Not knowing what to do again.

Maybe I should go to sleep
Instead of laying here, counting sheep
Again.

The dirt rises far up above my head
The worms laugh; I will soon be dead.
My shovel is far beyond my grasp
Filth fills up my lungs as I gasp.
Who’s hand to lift me from this cold grave?
Who’s but the one which to all I gave.
But this saving hand no longer comes
Dirt continues to gag my lungs.
How can I escape this hole I made
When I created this fate

With shovel and *****?

Can’t breathe.
The walls are closing in.
The clock is mocking.
Time is stopping.
My lungs collapse.

Your facade is slipping,
You’re smiling underneath.
Shark tooth grin spilling lies,
Between your crooked teeth.

There's a charge between me and you,
Something lingering in the spaces
Between our words, our bodies.

I'm drowning
And you're the weight.
You bring me down
Flood my lungs.

Here's to lost memories,

Whispers over the phone,
The boy that saved my life.

Melodies from the heart,
The boy with a knife.

A summer to remember,
The boy that meowed.

Singing in the car,
The boy that never frowned.

Sleepless nights,
The girl I grew up with.

Ghost hunting,
The boy who believed in myths.

Telling me not to hide,
The boy that texted dad.

Secret messages of love,
The boy I never had.

Here's to lost memories...

And the friends that became enemies.

I'll watch you burn
Consumed by flames
Without a name.
I won't make a sound
Move  single muscle
Raise a finger.
You built this fate for yourself
You poured gasoline
Set the flame.

You don't know me.
Or my unrequited dreams,
You haven't seen my failure,
Or witnessed me endure,
You don't hear my heartbeat,
Or the patter of my feet,
You can't feel my nerves on end,
Or see how my fingers bend,
You don't know my secrets,
Or memories I'd like to forget,
You haven't heard me sigh,
Or stifle a small cry,
You've seen me everyday,
Said you love me in every way.
But how can that even be,
If you still don't know me?

It's racing through my blood,
Once a puddle, now a flood.
Lighting fire to my every limb,
You're so good as I breathe you in.

Nine years since you went away,
I still think of you,
I still love you.
I often wonder if I make you proud,
Do you think of me?
Do you love me?

I am an artist,
A poet,
A cook.

I am a sister,
A daughter,
A significant other.

I am a fighter,
A *****,
An arguer.

I am a lover,
A thinker,
A believer.

I am a realist,
A pessimist,
A downer.

I am a leader,
A listener,
A follower.

I am so many things,
A mixture,
A freak.

I am me.
I am unique.

My hands are shaking,
Heart is racing,
Butterflies in my chest.
My knees are quaking,
Feet are pacing,
Speech not at it’s best.

My mouth is drying,
Ears ringing,
Too much energy in reserves.
I’m really trying
Soul singing,
I’m just a bundle of nerves.

You and I
We aren't the same.

We've shared our laughter,
We've shared our pain.

But something has shifted,
We both have drifted.

You and I
We used to click.

We've become so distant,
We've become so sick.

Something's wrong,
Maybe it was all along.

I can't tell you
I've lied.
I ***** up dark secrets
Hemorrhaging inside.
You won't look the same
At me.
I'll keep this to my grave
Bury it deep.
I'm a monster
Sharp teeth.
I won't let you see
Secrets underneath.

You're an abscess,
A cyst.
You make me wish
You didn't exist.

Dear Alice, my love
You came down from above,
But where are you now?

Do you remember me?
Or our parties with tea?
A raven like a writing desk, but how?

They call it Wonderland
But I'm doing all I can,
By myself it's hard not to cry.

I miss you in the worst way,
And it's more than I can bear to say,
You left me for the sky.

Don't get me wrong,
You don't know how I long
Just to see you make your way.

But I need your strength,
These years have endless length
And there's so much I need to say.

I'm mad with love for you,
Even though each other we hardly knew,
I'd die for your bliss.

So I'll wait for your face,
And for you to stumble upon this place,
My love, my dear Alice.

Divide and conquer,
Bludgeon the whole.
Engulf the masses,
Malice untold.
Blood on the ground,
Screams in the air.
A ghost in iron armor,
Approach if you dare.

You sit alone
A thousand miles away,
A fake, cold drone
You aren’t worth the things I say.

You won’t remain
In my life love has run dry,
This old disdain
This constant question of why.

You will pretend
Try to care and fail so quick,
This is the end
You fake, heartless, selfish *****.

Make haste,
No time to waste.
Your lips drip honey,
My head feels funny.
Slow down,
Before we drown.
Your eyes are grinning,
The whole room spinning.
Pause,
Covered in gauze.
How'd I get like this?
Bleeding, covered in ****.
Make haste again,
Before I explode in.
Wading in the sea,
Is that really me?
Fade away,
Time to pray,
Floating out on a cloud,
Momma did I make you proud?

Out of this town
With its worn out dreams,
I will drown
In the radiant sunbeams.
Away from this
All the hollow people,
I will not be named
As part of the sheeple.
Making my mark
On a city so free,
I will embark
I will be.

My days are numbered,
My life encumbered.
So I'll give myself more,
From the bottom of my very core.

September,
****** September,
Do you remember,
Oh do you remember?
How she did surrender,
Her soul so tender.
September you monster,
****** monster.
Oh how you tossed her,
How I lost her.
September,
****** September.
Do you remember?
Oh do you remember.

I have so much to say,
But my words are running away.
Chased by the fog cast over my brain,
Love just loves to play this game.
My contentment will be my downfall,
But what is love with out contentment, after all?

My fingers are ****** from clawing away
At this tomb that you built, my own grave.
You buried me in my own hatred, self doubt
And now I'm killing myself trying to get out.
"*****, ugly, worthless, nothing." You said
As you bashed me until I was all but dead.
Then you kicked me hard down into this hole,
And I mourned all the self worth that you stole.
But I'm almost to the surface now, so close,
What's left of me now more resembles a ghost.
I've come this far and I'm not giving in,
I'll regain what you tore from me with a ******* grin.

My life is becoming empty,
I thought I had so many people,
I thought I had at least one,
But I'm finding myself alone.

I don't see you anymore.
My worst fears came true.
Your night shifts, my days,
I don't know what to do.

You are my everything,
That's why I'm so afraid.
You'll find someone better,
I'll wonder why I stayed.

Your eyes are blue,
A hateful ocean.
Your lips red,
A poisonous pit.
You’re dead inside,
No emotion.
Your heart is prison,
Love died inside of it.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
The explosion of light in endless night.
A warm outpour of glow in the dark,
Yellow, pink, and green living sparks.
All raining down on a dying heart,
Cauterizing where it's been ripped apart.
Do you believe that hands can heal?
Filling spaces between fingers that refuse to feel.
Sending out a shock in a single caress,
Up the spine to a brain that must confess,
That feeling isn't so bad with someone other,
Touching the skin of an electrified lover.
Do you believe in the impossible?
An emotion so fierce and unstoppable.
Also soft in the most peculiar way,
Able to brighten the darkest days.
A feeling so great it could only come from above,
Do you believe in love?

Free falling in the wind
Like leaves on the breeze.
We twirl on in,
Safe and set free.
You and I blending in,
Like colors on a wheel.
Wild as sin,
We struggle to feel.

Her mind was filled with clutter,
Rainy clouds that bellowed thunder.
They loomed above like sad balloons,
On top her heart and head, cruel goons.
Until one day he cleared the clutter,
Took her heart and cleaned its gutters.
The storm clouds in her head then parted,
With his light, her life finally started.

Tumbling…
This face is crumbling.
A dark cloud will wash over
A muddle of pills could never cure
Voices screaming end.
There never were.

I'm such a coward,
Using poetry as a means
To say my feelings
Without bursting the seams.
I could just talk,
Say hello and reconnect.
I could mend previous bridges,
Build over what I wrecked.
I can't get over my fears
It's there no matter what I do.
All I have is this hope
That it's getting to you.

I honestly cant say
What I'm doing anymore.
You say that you will
Love me forever.
He says that he will
Always be there.
I'm torn to pieces over
And over and over.
If I leave will I just
Wish I stayed?
If I really just stay will I
Wish I had left?
I'm left here feeling like
Maybe I could escape.
Maybe I could take a few pills
And end this here.
Or I could hang in the air
To not feels like this.
Why can't life just
Be easy to understand?
Why cant life just
Leave me alone?

His mustache twitches,
His monocle gleams,
With the tap of his cane
It's Silent.

His pea-coat is ironed,
His buttons shined,
With a wave of his hand
It's Silent.

His expression falls,
His slacks wrinkling,
With a hands to his chest
He's Silent.

Your fear was a beast,
It consumed you whole as you stood.
Tearing out from your chest
It ejected words like bile.
"This is the end of us,
Feel the pulse of death,
Maggots wriggle for your soul,
This... is.... the end!"
Sickly sweet it stuck to my face,
Sour and rancid and terrible.
Your fear poured out from inside
A gaping hole that spilled red.
Your fear was a beast,
That consumed you whole as I watched.

I pretended to sleep,
Not wanting to leave.

You fell for my ploy,
I thought you'd retreat.

You had things to do,
We were no longer talking.

But you stayed on the line
Only occasionally laughing.

Why would you stay?
I'm trying to understand.

Did you listen as I sighed,
Was this your plan?

Maybe you were waiting,
Wanting me to speak.

Maybe it was comfort,
Listening to me "sleep".

When you finally hit end,
I was left with this doubt.

I'm over-thinking this,
You just forgot to sign out.

Clear air,
Clear eyes.
Blue ocean,
Blue skies.
Green trees,
Green energy.
No hate,
No enemy.
Full of love,
Full of life.
Birds of a feather,
Birds of flight.
Free to speak,
Free to connect.
Forget the past,
Forget the next.
Living harmony,
Living moment.
Message received,
Message sent.
Accept the individual,
Accept the unseen.
A world as beautiful as it seems,
This is my dream.

Don’t slip so far
You let your mask fall,
Under it all
You’re sick
You’re ugly.

My perception was clouded,
Muddy and clueless.
I thought you were jaded,
Foggy and foolish.

I've been shown your side of life,
Deep and poetic.
Something I dissected under a knife,
Stupid and hectic.

You cleared my perception,
Crystal, I can now see.
You're more than just an unread story,
At least to me.

My branches are crumbled,
Fickle and thin.
My air losing volume,
Unraveling oxygen.
My creativity shatters,
Crushed and abused.
My mind is a wanderer,
Dazed but unconfused.
My art is losing meaning,
Withering paint.
My religion losing passion,
A twisted saint.
My being caving in,
Lost, chagrin.
I'm not who I was,
The artist within.

I've cracked my head against your walls,
Screamed into your silent void,
Stepped right into your fire,
For far too long now.

But then again,
I should have worn shoes around fire
I should have exited the void while I could.
I never should have hit my head on your walls