Why do I not want to tell them?
...
The last time I told them about something that was so important to me was when I came out to them as nonbinary.
I thought they were at least slightly accepting, she had had a gay friend after all, and they had never shown any obvious transphobia.
(Its funny how, after I came out, the bigotry became a lot more prevalent).
And so, I went to my grandma's kitchen, sat on the floor, in a corner, and typed out
"I am nonbinary"
in our group chat.
My thumb hovered over send for what seemed like an eternity
until, finally,
I pressed send.
And then I started to cry.
They had texted back "okay" and "what does that mean" but I didn't respond. I couldn't respond.
When she picked me up a few hours later, we talked.
Well, she talked.
She told me how I'm just confused
and how theres only two genders giving me some ****** up biology lesson about it, using the terms "gender" and "***" interchangeably.
and how society had just manipulating me to be this way
and how it was a sin against God
and how I don't get a choice in this
and how I'm a
beautiful girl
and I didn't have to be insecure about it.
I was
broken
by these words.
I cried that night.
I cried
and cried
because I realized that
they would never accept me.
They would never love me.
I think I
attempted
to
**** myself
that night.
I don't remember, exactly
There were so many attempts that I just
can't remember
anymore.
...
Why do I not want to tell them?
Because
I'm scared.
I don't want to be ridiculed and criticized.
I don't want to break my own heart again.
I don't want to be rejected again.
I don't trust them anymore.
I don't want to tell them, because they lost my
trust.
That was one of the worst days of my life.
I have to tell my parents that I suspect I have asd to get assessed but I'm so scared to because they obviously hold stigma against neurodivergence as a whole and I just feel like it won't go down well.