I’ve been trying for years to stop,
but,
it’s like a safety cushion that just ends up hurting you more.
Like I honestly get so mad when people tell me to “just stop.”
But it’s an addiction.
Once you start it’s so hard to stop and even if your years clean of something,
you can still relapse.
That’s the worst part.
I’ve always done it even subconsciously since I was in single digits,
so now it’s just sadly second nature.
It’s hard to stop something that you’ve always done just in different ways.
It’s not like I wanted to start,
I just needed to feel
or I thought I needed to be “punished” for nothing that was my fault.
But I ended up finding a quick fix that’s gonna leave me scared for the rest of my life.
I’ve tried everything to distract myself and make me stop.
Longest I’ve gone was 6 months,
I was 14.
I just moved on from hitting myself to things that cause more damage yk.
It’s the stinging that brings me back to reality and in a moment,
just a moment,
my mind stops running and my brain is calm.
Just a moment of silence that always comes back.
It’s not good but I just can’t stop.
But I think I’ll get better and heal.
Even if it’s not tomorrow or next month.
Eventually I’ll get better and won’t need it anymore. Hopefully.
It’s a hope I wish so desperately to come true.
One day tho, whether it’s in this life or another,
I won’t need it.

The heart
Is not an *****
As many think

The heart is a muscle

Does the fact that mine was crushed far too often
Make it weak
Or make it strong?

Isn't it strange
How we are all living on a random sphere
In the middle of a nothingness
Thats also everythingness
and has trillions of other giant yet tiny spheres too?

i slip
          under the ice

i bang on the surface
                              and yell

no one hears
                   my cries
                                  for help

the air leaves my lungs

                  “why should i try?

                                                  if no one cares”

i slip
                              under the surface

        the breath

                   choked out

                                                of my lungs

falling

          freezing

                      floodin­g

                                   engulfing

overwhelming

farewell,

o

cruel


world

I get allot of bad feelings
And no one wants to here about those
So I try to ignore them
Until they are so loud they scream at me
So I try to distract myself from them
Until they become overwhelming the only thing I can feel anymore

And then I’m just stuck feeling bad feelings that are things no one wants you to say to them with no more ways to distract myself from being left with them

I know you’re just supposed to think about something else…. I know. But I don’t know how to make bad feelings go away anymore