The sky hasn't looked blue since u left

no-one will ever love me like she did
I'm nobodies priority now

I don’t have an issue with authority I have an issue with flawed logistics and seedy men in power.

what would u say if i told u the truth and said no
would u tell me
ur thinking of me
praying for me
that it does get easier
that i’m not alone
that ur always there if i need someone to talk to
don’t get me wrong i’m so grateful for every single amazing person in my life
but i already know you care about me
and i love that u love me
but i’m not okay, and to burden you with something i don’t understand myself is something i can’t do

Mum says “light a candle, burn some incense”
but mum my inner sense is the only thing stopping me from burning myself to the ground because I can’t stand the light anymore.

Nan says “your'e too bright to be depressed”
but the bright sparks that flicker of a memory that is dark, and the flame only reminds me that everybody I love is someday gonna die.
But mum..... nan...... i’m not afraid of the dark, that’s the problem.

It’s hard to have fun when i don't feel like having fun.
Don’t get me wrong it’s not that i don’t want to go to the party,
I WANT to go to the party,
but i’m stuck in an abusive relationship with depression and anxiety and they talk me out of going.
Cancel plans last minute, making up a physical illness,
because "sorry I'm too depressed to see u" sounds utterly ridiculous.

A letter to my depression-

Not now depression, please, just let me have this day
Why do you show up so early, uninvited
Haven’t you ever heard of being fashionably late?

Okay fine you win, I'll stay home again are you proud?
Anxiety will be here soon
to make me feel guilty for letting everyone down
three really is a crowd

Not now depression,
PLEASE not today
I’m too tired to defend myself against the brutal words you say

sleep let’s me escape from you
you see in my dreams you don’t exist

anxiety is like - “it’s ok i got this”
wakes me up in a puddle of sweat trying to catch my breath,
not now depression, please, I’ve nothing left

Happy 14 year anniversary depression,
I present to you my soul
That’s all you ever wanted wasn’t it,  
my life to remain under your control
Over a decade its been me, you, and anxiety and i'm sorry
but it's just not working for me maybe its the polygamy,
and my struggle to cope with more than one issue at a time - thanks for that, adhd.

By far the worst is you, depression.
You pick me apart bit by bit until I’m suicidal
But won’t give me that final push, the courage to do it.
Anxiety talks me out of it, only to remind me of guilt, whilst depression calls me weak and laughs.
But you don't want me dead do you, what use would I be to you then?
You just want to see me fail at that too and torment me with how useless I am, and remind me that I'm stuck with you.