Maybe on another day

If you had asked in a different way

I might have felt that I had to stay

And our stories could have ended differently.

You're always so sad.

I tell you how wonderful you are and how everyone that you meet loves you.

I am met with harsh self-deprecating words flowing from your lips so freely. Like you really believe the words.

Tonight I put you down to bed after one too many pills graced your tongue.

You were speaking gibberish. Incoherent sentences that meant nothing.

I gave you water, i tucked you in, and made sure you were okay.

Just before closing the door and letting the last light dim in the room, you said, "I love you."

And after all that you have said to me. Everything you have called me. Telling me that I wasn't worth the space I occupy.

I said, "I love you too."

I forgive you every time, because I don't believe you mean what you've said to me.

I have to believe that you don't really mean it.

And I have to believe that you do mean it when you say that you love me.

I know it may be selective, but I have to believe in something good right now.

Because to be honest, I'm scared.

But I know you will awake in the morning, and it will all start again.

The pretending begins again every time...

I've spent a long time now thinking about how I need to love myself and respect myself more. About how I need to work harder to achieve this goal of mine to finally be fully happy with myself and the way I am. I of course have my down moments like everyone else, the days when: you think someone would never like you or want to date you solely because of your size, you feel like the world stares at you in repulsion, you get on a diet kick that doesn't seem to work and everyone just keeps saying that you aren't trying hard enough, someone takes the opportunity to pick on your weight just because they know you are insecure about it and you are having a fight with them, people refuse to partner with you for anything and you blame your looks, you are never anyone's' first choice, or sometimes even the second or third choice, you are dead last, a store doesn't carry your size but your friends, even with good intentions, try to make you try things on and you don't want to tell them that nothing here will fit you, you might even make up an excuse, or when someone so tiny compared to you, talks about how fat they are, and you think, "what does that make me?" But then you have your up days, where: You feel cute with how you look and comfortable in what you're wearing, you find something you love in your size, you eat a good meal and don't feel bad about it, you sit down somewhere and feel comfortable enough with who you are around that you can eat and drink and do what you want to do with no judgement, a random stranger compliments you, you win an argument without stooping to the level of picking on someones looks or weight, you find someone who accepts you for you. Those good days should out way the bad, but some days one bad time can ruin a whole weeks worth of good things for you, and that's ridiculous. So please be kind to others, and yourself. For the fact is, you know how it feels, even if it has only happened to you once, to feel alone and bad about the beautiful body you are in. I'm working towards loving myself more and accepting the things I have been given to live with. I hope this journey leads me to a brighter path and a better future, and I know I am worth more than my weight and the way I look. So take me as I am, or don't bother with me at all, because you are not worth my time of day.

When did my life become all about other people?
Instead of focusing on myself,
I focus on others and what's going on in their lives.

There is a fine line between caring about others,
And mothering others.
I think I've crossed the line.

Even when I go to counseling,
All we talk about is how I can't change people.
I can't be responsible for people.
I can't always help everyone.

All we talk about is others problems and why they might act a certain way towards me.
Not really how I can block them out or anything.

I'm tired of being angry and sad and scared everyday of my life
And everyone just acts like it's nothing.
Like I need to put aside what I need for me
And put them first because my problems aren't nearly as important.

It's scary because I want to focus on myself,
But I feel this responsibility over others
Like if I don't watch them, no one else will,
And sometimes I don't really think they can watch themselves.

I am caught.
Trapped.
With no way out.

I could work on myself and forget the others,
But some of them might do something drastic.

I could work on others and forget myself,
But then what will I become?

Lost.

Stay humble my friend.
For you won't be here one day.
And although you think you might have left a legacy,
In due time it too will fade with you.
You want to be remembered as someone who
Was kind.
Loving.
Respectful.
Helpful.
Friendly.
And above all humble.
So take the compliments nicely.
Try to always be kind.
And try to be forgiving.
Although I know it can sometimes be hard.
Help others.
Stand up for one another.
Because those are the true legacies that impact lives.
Not just some material thing that will fade faster than you think.

This vessel is broken.
This vessel is achy.
This vessel is hurting.
This vessel is rotting from the inside out.
This vessel is braving harsh waves.

This vessel isn't the prettiest.
This vessel isn't the smoothest ride.
This vessel wants to be better.
This vessel wants to be accepted for what it is.

This vessel will try to take the hits as much as it can.
This vessel will try to keep itself going.

This vessel won't give up.

I tell myself over and over again:

I am loved.
I am beautiful.
I feel good.
I can do this.
No one can make me do anything.
I am a good person.
Everything is only temporary.
I'll be okay.
I have people who want me.
My weight does not define me.
My appearance does not define me.
My grades do not define me.
Others opinions do not define me.
I am unique.
I don't need toxic people in my life.
It's okay to cut myself off from them, no matter how attached I may be.
It's okay not to always feel like myself.
I shouldn't care who likes me or who doesn't.
All that matters is that I like me.

I will keep telling myself these things over and over again until I have them drilled into my skull and I finally believe all of them.

**I will.

I've had you since I was little.
I just didn't know you that well.
You hid in the background and hardly ever came to the light.
But you were there.

Now you have gained a friend.
You go hand and hand with each other.
You feed off of each other.
You are more present, but I still don't know exactly what you are.

I've started noticing you both more and more.
You create a tornado together.
Spinning with violent bursts.
Crashing things into each other inside of me.
It hurts.

I've let you consume me.
I feel hopeless.
I need to escape this.

I have a name to put to you now.
Anxiety.
And your friend.
Depression.

I've looked for help.
I heard that's the first step.
I'm pushing you down as best I can.

I at least have some hope now, and that's better than before.

I have two of me you see.
One of me is nice and full of glee.
Happy
Crazy
Wild
Fun
And free.
That's the me everyone wants to see.

The other one of me you see,
Is a bit sadder and doesn't have as much glee.
This other side of me
Keeps more to itself
And thinks about things.
Like,
Life
Love
Sadness
And Sleep.

One likes to make people smile.
The other likes to make people think.

One likes to sleep and sometimes feels weak.
The other is full of energy and laughs as it speaks.

Everyone loves the happy me,
But I'm not sure if it really is me.

I never understood how someone might
Think that the other me
Is more of a plight
That they need to fight.

I feel like one of me is a charade
That I'm tired of putting on
For the people who would leave me
If I wasn't always the happy one.

That fear is something that's hard for me to bare.
So what do I do?

I guess I'll sit down and try to think this through.........

I hyperventilate when I walk into a store or restaurant alone because I feel like I look like that fat lonely girl who got stood up.

I get lonely at midnight and panic that no one truly likes me and that I have never actually had a best friend.

I feel like a burden to anyone who is my friend and spend all my money on gifts for them to reaffirm that I am not a waste of space in their lives.

I always feel like I am being watched and that people are judging me every moment of the day.

I never tell someone how I really feel because I am afraid that when I am not happy, no one will like me, therefore no one has seen the real me and its entirety.

I feel weak when I cry and hide myself away from people so that no one will know I have an unhappy emotion.

I give 110% into making people in my life happier than I am because I am afraid they will leave me and it drains me so much that I feel numb when I am alone.

I never tell people of my past because I don't want pity from them or for them to worry and I find it exausting to reaffirm that I am not sad, even though I am.

I never tell my friends that I have depression and severe anxiety because in the past people have disregarded it and not taken me seriously.

I put up this wall for myself that makes me on red alert 24/7 and its like I am always running and never allowed to walk.

I feel like I am always sleeping with my eyes wide open and I wish that I could wake up.

Open doors with smiling faces,
Slammed before you could even say, "Hello."

A confident demeanor,
Punched down by a low blower that plays *****.

A kind face,
Acting as a steal shield to hide an unkind figure underneath.

A beautiful rose,
With thorns that will cut like sharp knives when all you want
To do is smell it's fresh perfumed scent.

The sky is dark, but I can see the stars.

I live somewhere where I'm lucky enough to be able to see all these stars every night.

I'm laying in a hammock, and the air is cold.

Not cold enough that I'm freezing, but just enough that I'm not comfortable.

I look down at the lit up screen in my hands.

I listen to the song playing.

It's a soulful song one of my friends wrote and recorded with a couple other friends of mine.

I open up my text messages.

I read the part where I said, "Goodnight. I love you."

And I sigh.

I listen to the crickets chirping. The frogs croaking. The dogs barking. The peacocks cooing.

You just said goodnight.

And I didn't tell you I love you because I'm romantically attracted to you.

I told you I love you because I love you as a friend and I feel so deeply for the people I love.

But here we are.

You fell asleep, and I'm here, wide awake.

I'm wondering when the universe will decide that I'm worthy of the gift of love.

Why would you call me,
When you have so many other people to choose from?

Why would you want to hang around with me,
When you have other things you could be doing?

Why do you want to know what i'm doing,
When my answer is always the same?

Why do you want to make plans with me,
When all I do is stand off and away from everyone else?

Why choose me?

But I know I will always choose you too.

So thank you.

I sit on the brown couch of a big room.
I am surrounded by bright yellow walls.
Yellow is the color of sunshine,
Yet I feel only black shadows looming over me.

Outside there are people walking the streets,
All dressed in orange, blue, and black.
Light and dark are constantly arguing.

I hear shouting, pounding on the pavement, the winter jacket material rubbing together as people walk.
I see the lights.
Red, White, Blue, Yellow.

All at once it stops.
The noise is gone.
The lights stop shining.
Everyone is gone,
Yet the air remains red with anger and fear.

The next morning, people ask how I can sense these shadows,
When there are people more afraid than me who cannot.
They wonder how someone with yellow walls could understand.

But white and black do not care.
They lighten and deepen at will.
Even the most vibrant cannot stay that way forever.

You don't know how many times I have wanted to hug you when I was scared.
You don't know how many times I have cried after talking to you.
You don't know how I feel every time you tell me I have to do something I don't want to do.
I remember when you used to tell me that I didn't have to anything that I didn't want to do.
Now I wonder what has happened to you.
I used to think you would protect me from monsters, but now you have turned into something that I need protection from.
Now I can protect myself.
Not only from you, but from my own monsters too.
I don't like when you sick people on me, to convince me you have changed.
We both know you haven't.
We both know you won't.
Yet I keep coming back, with unfulfilled hopes.
You say I hurt you, but I know you hurt me more.
You don't seem to care, but you expect it from me.
I don't understand why you think I'm so cruel, when all I try to do is apologize to you.
Time went by and I grew up distant form you.
I have finally learned.
And I have grown too.
I realize that you will never go back.
I promise, I won't try to attack.
But I do have my defenses high, and I won't go down without a fight.
I don't feel like I know you anymore,
And you won't stop until you feel like you have settled the score.
Some days I feel like dying.
Like I don't wanna be around anymore.
Then I remember that I am not here for you.
I'm here for her.
She is my light.
Although, I know she feels dark.
I want her to be happy and feel loved for all of her life.
She deserved better than you all along.
I don't feel like you love me anymore.
I feel like she loves me a bit less.
But I won't ever say anything,
Because I know that feels selfish,
And my feelings don't matter to anyone,
So I won't let them see what I think or feel,
Or what I fight in my own flesh.
You don't know what I go through.
You don't know what I have done.
You don't know how I feel.
And you never will.
Because I am here for her.
For her.
She saves me.
I bet you didn't know that or ever take a second to think about it.
You should thank her for me being here as long as I have been.
If you ever really cared...