Once upon a time
You found joy in simple things
It was a jar of baby carrots
Now it's two carat diamond rings

Once upon a time
Every ounce of you was hope
You always prepared for the best
Now you prepare yourself to cope

Once upon a time
That smile didn't leave your face
Now when you feel it on your lips
You press it down until it's straight

Childhood you
Was a bit naive
But now that you're grown up
You've lost the courage to believe

It's easy to be cynical
Bad things are all over, after all
We're all business, things hardly impress us
But maybe that's our downfall

So think like you did once upon a time
And don't worry about being understood
Look around, lift your eyes off the ground
And find joy in anything good

Go ahead and stay hopeful
Being let down sometimes
Is better than being hopeless
And staying down at all times

Childhood you
Was a bit naive
Or perhaps more in-tune
With what happiness means

you were a scatter of light
in my world of darkness

you pulled me in
with your dark brown eyes

your voice echoed
through me for days

i want to be yours
i want you to be mine

I wrote this five times over because it wouldn't come out quite right. Because I’m tired, and there’s nothing I can hear but the silent chatter of my mind on repeat, screaming at me to be better than I am (better than I can be).

In January, we slept in the same bed and I dreamed of kissing you, of taking your hand in mine and pulling you close and never letting go. I followed you around like a lost puppy as you talked about nothing but home.

In February, I was told to wait and left to wonder and doubt and dream. My thoughts swirled until I convinced myself that there was nothing between us but my arms reaching out for you as you turned away (not out of spite, but because you didn’t know).

Felicity, you call me Serenity but I am by far the best at convincing myself that I am unloved, and by far the worst at thinking that I’m worth loving. Felicity, you have been extraordinary from the day I met you, a cacophony of color and beauty that shocked me and entranced me. You are all that I want curled around me at night; you are beautiful and wonderful and mine.

Felicity, most times I am not quite there. I am in the past or the future or the could-have-beens. I am not always whole. I am not whole. It’s hard, for me, to give the entirety of myself when I have trouble finding it, when it’s rotten and breaking and lonely and hiding.

I’m afraid of the dark and blue cheese. I don’t like hypocrites or the way I act when I feel like I can’t breathe. My mouth is bitter from too much coffee, my mind is buzzing from too much worry, my hands are empty because I can hold nothing without it slipping away from me in the end (it was never there in the first place). But you- you are a certainty, and I don’t know if I want to cry but I do know that I want to hold you forever and kiss you a hundred times until you know that you’re worth more than should be possible.

In January, the ball dropped over Erie Bay and I looked past the stumbling drunkards to see you, cheeks pink with cold, and wondered what it would be like to be brave. Now it’s November, and I backspace the ending words to each goodnight text and think about the very same thing. There's sugar in the edges of your fabric, darling, chalk dust kicked up along the road, and I am better when you smile; I am home.

When I was eight years old I dropped my pencil and managed to put it through my left foot
Thats how I learned to sit still and dive into my own head instead of the outside world
I came to the conclusion that anything outside my eyelids was dangerous
So when I seem reserved please don't hold it against me I just feel like I need to protect myself
I have plenty of scars now but most of them don't show easily and I guess I should apologize for it
The next year I injured myself learning to ride a bike something I had never had any interest in
That was the day I learned not to try so hard for things I don't care about
When I was seventeen I met a girl who told me to never hug with one arm because it was half-hearted
Over the next year she became very dear to me but it didn't last nearly as long as either of us hoped
But you can only wear a mask for so long without suffocating yourself but that is what she learned
I was just tired of getting sick from the lies she spoon fed me calling it medicine
That was also the year I learned that I am not responsible for anyone else's actions but my own
When I was eighteen I went to college and experienced the entire twelve year school experience in three years
I never understood culture shock until I was alone surrounded by loud people who didn't think the same as me
I met them both in college but they seemed to be one person and I think that was just to make up for lost time
But truth be told that was time I could have lived having lost I'm still trying to drown out the bitter taste of regret
That was how I learned you could give too much of yourself and I knew I was right to say the world was dangerous
I learned how three am felt and the cold gaze of the stars that scared sleep away became all to familiar
Soon it became clear that not everyone loves or feels love in the same way
And the only relief I could find was driving down the highway only lit by the cars that couldn't sleep
When I was twenty-one I graduated from college with what I imagined to be a useless degree and I was vexed
Infuriated at the idea that I had spent so much time and money on something that would never benefit me
No matter what angle I looked at things I could not see the wisdom in this decision but I was also a fool
I got a new job that I would not have been prepared for without my time at school
Here I am an anomaly that no one seems to understand and thats okay because ultimately this is what I need to be
We don't happen by chance that has never been the way anything works
I know this because things are better now and I'm starting to question validity of death
*~W.C.

i grew up being told things that made me feel like a diamond in a pile of gravel, but now i'm laying shattered on my bathroom floor and i didn't think diamonds were supposed to break.