the people who love you can still hurt you too.

and i don't care how many rainy and cloudy days we've been together; ever since the day i've gotten to call you mine, i've had a beautiful light in my life that is brighter than any star known to man.

i'm radiating so much you can see my real smile again.

you are my warmth; you are my sun.
you are my rock; you are my mountains.
you are my depth; you are my oceans.
you are my strength; you are my forests.
you are my world.
love, you are my life.

with galaxies in your eyes, i can't help but stare.

we should make this thing last forever.

i can't stand this pain any longer. i thought it would get easier but every minute i feel my heart ache even deeper than the moment before, even deeper than i thought was possible. i love being in love. love isn't supposed to happen from 200 miles away. it's strong enough that it does but there is a gaping hole in me that i'm afraid only a lesser distance can mend. it is unfortunate due to the improbability of any fixing. i just want to be held. i want to be in the arms of the only one who truly loves me. and i can't be and it hurts. my insides are screaming at me. and it hurts too hard to fight back. it's devouring my thoughts. i can't think about a ******* different thing. and you know that's how it should be. i think. i told myself love wasn't supposed to hurt anymore. but it does. it made me so fragile. why does something so good have to hurt so bad. it's hard. he's my rock. he's the only person i really have. not one to talk behind my back or keep secrets from me. friends seem to tend to do that. not this one. he's my best friend. and i have to settle seeing him on a ******* phone screen every night. i didn't realize how powerful one's touch could be. a bear hug can fix anything in the world. here i am struggling though with no arms around me. i'm happy with him. i know i am and i'm not clouded by anything. he and i really are perfect for one another. he treats me like a goddess. he knows my darkest secrets and he still kisses me back. he sees me at my worst and i'm still the last person he talks to at night. it's comforting to have a beautiful consistency in your life. it hurts to have it taken away from you. and it's not that i don't still have him. i do. his heart is with me right now in fact. but i feel like i'm being taunted. it's as if God is like ah here is the most magnificent, delicate, alluring thing you will ever have. but i'm going to put it far away from you. close enough that you can have just a taste but far away enough you don't really own it anymore. that's a lot harder than it sounds. i hate the people who question me needing to see him. "oh weren't you two together a couple weeks ago?" "aren't you going to visit in a few weeks?" oh yes pardon me. i have a difficult time not seeing my favorite thing everyday. i'm sure you would too. no one really gets it. not even other people in relationships. they don't feel what we feel. sure they feel some sort of bad pain but it's different than ours. often those people contemplate cheating and other *******. wow what a great relationship you two must have. that's the most ****** up thing about college. people think that's okay. if you want to be with someone else then why the hell are you just dragging someone you're supposed to care about down. that hurts to think about. that people genuinely think there is nothing wrong with cheating. you're a ******* ***** if you do cheat. if the love is strong enough you'll never even need to think about being with another person in your life. grow up. be decent. this turned into a rant but it's aimed towards my friend. i don't know how i'm expected to sit back and let people i care about make mistakes. then if i try to call them out on it i'm the bad person. of course no one wants to hear it. but that doesn't make what the person is doing okay. i'm so disappointed in people these days. i thought the world had a lot more good in it. it's hard to watch my faith in humanity slip away. few people keep up to how standards should be. i'm disappointed with a lot of things right now. i'm mostly disappointed with myself. i can't stay focused. i waste so much time. and i just don't care anymore. my heart doesn't want it anymore. it wants zach but i really mean it when i say that's it. it's hard pretending to want to stay at school. it's hard because i know how much happier i could be elsewhere. not even with him but anywhere that isn't ordinary scenery. i wish i wouldn't have been so ****** up the second half of high school so i could have made better decisions for myself. i'm really let down by who i let myself be. i don't have a real talent. sure i'm good at some stuff but there's nothing i thrive in. life got hard. and i thought it would be easier because i'm happy but i think whoever is up there likes tugging it away. i don't know. i think i'm still sad too. i think there will always be sad parts of me.
that's the only thing i've ever been really good at. sadness.
and where the hell do find a career in that. sure i could write and inspire people through the way i've felt but who the hell gives a **** about an average girl being sad. there are lots of average sad people out there. "not unique enough. next candidate please." i have no idea what the hell is going on with me. i was just genuinely happy this weekend. now i am sad again. i hope i don't get the real sads again. i probably still have them but who doesn't at this point. i just want to know why i'm here. and not just for the sake of love. i know i'm meant to do that. and sure no one really knows what they want to do with the rest of their lives but they at least have options. i feel like i don't. truly. i'm just not motivated enough. and i know i could be but i just don't care enough to force it on myself anymore. life hurts. i don't like that. i just want my heart to be happy and then maybe i'll be better again.

a girl can dream.

the desire to possess the good forever.

all of the clocks stopped working.
time no longer exists.
and i want to spend until the end of the hour with you.

there's nothing here anymore. leave while you still can.

if you aren't in love with the sky, then open up your eyes. this isn't some kind of dream; this is real. this is wonderful.

when you were 7 years old, did you ever think that this is really where you'd end up?

treat someone badly and be loved endlessly

all i want in life is to paint and travel and write and read and love and cry. and i can't.
i am craving life. and it's a taste i haven't had it since a past life.
i struggle because that taste is still lingering and that's what has kept me going. in search for that new, bursting flavor. i've only had dull foods.
i keep pouring myself into this search. and i've noticed i've only made it a few streets over since the day i was born.
i'm starting to lose that burning passion to find it. my great flame has turned into barely embers.
i'm not who i was. and neither are any of you if you were wondering. i've lived in this same town for all of my years, but i still seem to be lost.
i never learned properly how to use a map.

maybe one day i'll find some sort of clue. i have plans of where i'm headed, but hopefully they won't work out.

this craving is getting to me. i can hardly ever even feed myself anymore because i am giving myself more that i don't want. i drink a lot of water which is probably another reason the fire is dying.
oh well. this is what life is about, right?


**you could have been my gasoline.

you're really good at proving to me i deserve better.

you were an expense i could never afford.
now i'm indebted to you forever.

a price i want to pay off but can't.

and it's okay to not be okay.

and to say that it's over,
means that it existed.

what we had wasn't love.

i wish we lived in the universe where you and i work out.

when i was younger,
i used to make these bucket lists.
in second grade we were learning about the fifty states and one day we were given a map of the united states.
we were to color the states that we had been to in red. and the states we wanted to go to were to be colored blue.
i distinctly remember having a map covered in a shade of the vast sea because for some reason back then i thought if i could see all these cool places i would better my person.  

i've been in many more than 50 states.
sadness. happiness. guilt. excitement. disgust. jealousy. frightenment. joy. exhaust. et cetera.
and a gross combination of each.
texas, rhode island, maine. those are all just divided in lines that different people claim they own. but in reality death is the only guarantee we have in life and that may seem crazy and some people may believe that they are immune to this curse. i'm here to assure you that you are going to die. and shortly after your name will never be found in mouths of people who once knew you but only be seen in past year books. and even then you'd be lucky to have your name recognized. along with your name, your possessions will no longer be known to you. the only thing you'll really ever have is yourself and i'm sorry for that.

for a long time, we pretended you loved me too.

we can blame it on a lot of things. but no matter the circumstances, this is how things are; this is who i am. whether you accept me for that is your own problem.

i only want a place that i can call home.

mornings would not be so bad if i woke up with a view of you.

tired of paper being the only one wanting to listen.

i'm trying so hard not care
but when we first met my heart was ice cold.
it took a couple years but that night we were cuddling together you warmed me up.
you melted me the whole way to my core.
so finally i had this heart that felt
at the time i didn't know it was a bad thing.
but i also had all this left over water.
luckily enough i had the chance to empty everything out when you cheated on me. let me assure you: i was empty.
but i couldn't resist going right back to you because i missed my source of heat.

everything was different then but for a little we pretended like we were just the same. you couldn't handle it any longer so you cut me off.
that was that.

i'm still so cold and trying to recover.
but spring is just around the corner and hopefully i can turn over a new leaf too and make something of this year.
{i was out in the snow last night.}
all i need is the sun i'm thinking because these seeds of happiness you never tended to might sprout into something beautiful.
hopefully a rose-- pretty enough to admire but painful enough to shy away from touching.


*i still have plans to move far north because i think part of me will always want you to come back.
but i hope now i've gathered enough layers to manage on my own.
i know you'll never ask which is probably a good thing because i always had a hard time saying no.

i hate how much i crave being loved--
it just sounds like it would be something nice.

through these paper thin walls i can hear the ticking of my brother's fan. a constant sound that i wish i couldn't hear. but it sounds a little bit like water dribbling on my window right at the end of the storm. and i am enraged with anger because all i want is the real thing. i'm sick of all this fake ****; it's reminding me too much of the people around me. but that's my own fault.
the pattern of the clicking sounds so **** natural. kind of like the way your lies fell out of your mouth like a waterfall-- rushing and your water (or words) were trying so hard to pull me under.  i think it worked. what i'm trying to get at is i miss the real thing. i still want you to touch me even if it is with those cold, harsh waters.
i feel like i haven't felt a splash of cool water on my face in months. and maybe i haven't. we were at our peak in the worst of the winter and it seemed like everything between us just froze. and with the fragile touch of your brutal hands,, you broke everything.

maybe if we're lucky when the sun comes out everything will melt and something will flow between us again.

please never tell me something that you don't mean,,
because i'm too stupid not to believe it.

why do i have to be so hard to love?

you can't fall in love with someone only because they love you too.

i don't cry when i look in the mirror.
i only pull out my hair twice a day.
i've slowed down pulling off my skin.
i dress for myself, not for boys.
i grow my nails out to paint, not scratch with.
i eat everyday now.

and best of all, i never killed myself.


*what are your biggest accomplishments?

my brain is so tired of trying to put my thoughts into words.
that's why i may seem sad.
because i am sad.
and you are sad.
and sadly, sad thoughts linger and mope around because they just want to be loved too. even if that does involve them overtaking your brain (and sometimes even your body.)
but we are also both happy.
yet still i have such a hard time writing those ideas. because they're always so new, fresh, and lively. which is why they bounce around everywhere and i wish i stayed on one idea for more than a forth of a second because sometimes i'd love to remember but all i seem to be doing is forget.
and we're missing someone.
but we both know neither of us can forget you (reminder: you is different to someone else. you has a different meaning to certain people. everyone else calls you you. who i call myself others call you.)
and we're enjoying someone's presence.
even though i love to be alone.
but the point is we are constantly changing and you can never feel the same way twice and that is a beautiful blessing but also a ******* curse.

**goodnight

and i hope to see you in the next world.

maybe then we'll do this right.

i take my daily walk
(that is never the same).
i may walk the same paths
but i can't walk the same steps.

now i'm afraid you can't repeat the past.

*and i'm more afraid of finding out whether that is a good or bad thing.

i miss the way my name rolled off your tongue.

i am sorry that my everything was nothing to you.

i can't tell if a bird is happy or sad while he/she is chirping. and i kind of find peace in that because that means even sad things can be beautiful.

sometimes you just gotta lay down on the floor with your dog and let go of the world for a little.

i have a hard time getting out my house key.

you shattered my heart.
it didn't even hurt this time.
because honestly,
i don't know that it ever healed from that last time.

what hurts.
what is still causing me pain.
is that you cared so ******* much.

and now,
i am in more pain than ever,
and you don't give half a ****.


*honestly i'm afraid you might find a little bit of joy out of it.

saying*  *i love you  out of habit vs. **meaning it

i think
the deepest, darkest
parts of me
are the greatest
pieces that make me up.

and i'm afraid
no one
has the time
to get there.

people say
"you deserve better."

well how the **** do i find something better than the best **** thing that has happened to me.

did you truly love me or getting in my pants?

i miss the memories we'll never be able to make.

10:17
and it's already a bad night.
not gonna lie it could probably
top the charts
for one of the worst.

it started out as just some tears.
and then the gasping for breathe.
and then mentally close up my throat--
giving myself a real challenge to breathe.
and then i start getting physical chest pains.
because my chest is so used to going up to bring air in and back down to let that **** out.
real bad chest aches.
so i tried banging on my chest.
you know, givin it a little kick to work.
and i knew my chest hurt on the inside.
and i could feel my chest hurt on the outside now-- probably from my punches.
and then i started to notice
it felt good.*
so i kept hitting.
and hitting.
all while i'm trying to breathe.
but my mind won't let me.
i begin to use all of my energy.
i'm trying to rip off all of my skin.
and get rid of every place i've been touched.
i had to have been making some progress.
being that i felt the skin under my nails.
and i could feel every body part inflaming.
so i kept going.
and going.
but then i must've started to shut down.
mentally and physically i think.
idk it's all a blur.
i think i lost my vision for a little.
and probably my hearing.
either that or my six minute song skipped the middle three.
idk i'm still so unsure.*
but to say the least i collapsed.
physically for sure.
because i was on the ground.
and all i wanted was to go lower.
imagine this:
i'm crumpled up.
laying on my bottom floor.
begging god.
to let me go just two yards deeper.

please, god.
just let me go.
six feet under.

cheers.
bottoms up.
i'll drink to that.

whichever your preference.
but here's to hopefully:
the beginning of the end.

now the tricky part. picking a way to go out.

see you soon, nick.

you're a postscript as a title.

my brain thinks faster than my hands can write.
so i'm sorry for hardly ever making sense.
but please don't question me.
because i probably have no idea what the **** i'm talking about
and i really don't care to know what i'm talking about.

even if i do know what i'm talking about,
i don't care to share.

figure it the **** out.

i'm tired of ******* everything up.
and i say i'm sorry after i ***** up. which is a lot more often than i would like. but i'm sorry that i apologize so often that it means nothing anymore. i am sorry. i never meant to be this big of a **** up.