i'm sorry for everyone i have bothered

please go away.
i'm genuinely getting annoyed with you.
i'm starting back to my old ways and i think i'm more disgusted of who you are now than who you were then.
at least back then you were a good person and i was just a *****.
oh how the tables have turned.

but seriously please just leave.
it's annoying as **** that i have to see you first thing in the morning.
yes, i see you. i'm not blind, *******.
and it's kind of getting old how you show up in my dreams.
******* you out every night is not as fun when it's a continuous occurrence.

please go away.

tonight i saw your mother.
and let me tell you it was ******* than seeing you the day after we ended it.

she asked me how i was and even though i said good i think she knew the actual answer. how am i supposed to be "good" when you are better than great without me. more specifically with someone else.

i know it was my fault and when i went to let go of the hug and she pulled me in tighter i couldn't help but start to cry.
it just isn't fair.
and life isn't fair.

but that's just how things are.
there's always a winner and a loser and even with that extra half of a foot grown within your bones you were still so high up. i don't think you could even see me. or you just avoided eye contact-- as always.
what i'm getting at is there's always someone on top, and there's always someone on the bottom.

it's like
i'm an artist
and you're blind.

i've spent countless hours on these paintings.
i've put my everything in them.
there are small details that even the professionals couldn't notice.
and it turns out you can't either.

so why am i still painting?

don't you realize how big of an impact you have on everyone?
you could be the reason someone is happy.
and more so you could be the reason why someone wants to die.

there's always one thing that keeps us up at night--
something that someone said to us.
and sadly enough it's hardly ever a good thing.

and i wish other people could realize
that what you say could put them over the edge.


sticks and stones may break my bones,
**but your words may be the thing that kills me.

i'd have to say that's an understatement.
even saying i despise you is nothing close to the anger that is living within me.
this anger is starting to get cozy in my muscles and sorry that i break so much **** sometimes it just takes over.
it has befriended the sadness that has made a home of my mind and i'm getting very annoyed with it.
its visit has been more than a year too long and every time i tell it to leave it convinces me that's where it's supposed to be.
i'm very tired of all of it but i can't sleep well because i never sleep well when i'm away and even though i'm staying at what my address is i'm afraid this isn't my home anymore. i really have been trying to find somewhere to call my home but every time i think i've found something sadness just makes me think i'm too ******* stupid to have found somewhere to live. i know it's right.

i'm sorry i always get so off track please don't blame me. sadness loves to tell its story and i'm in no place to stop it.

but truly i do hate you with everything in me. "words can't express how much i hate you." well neither can actions. only if you felt what i have felt maybe then you'd understand. but probably not because you just don't give a ****.

**i hate you.
i hate you.
i hate you.

i know i'm not smart
but for some reason i remember random details.
i have realized that everything in life has a cycle.
i recognize what phase i'm in and i hated it last time
and i hate it even more this time.
but i think i'm moving past it.

**so say goodbye to that chick that cared for everyone but herself. and goodbye to the one that was ruined. her time might not be up but i'm kicking her out.

you act like something that comes out of an ***.

always use a ******;
you would be a horrible father.

i can't believe you can say such cruel things to someone that you once loved.

but honestly what does a ******* know about feelings?

we're living to die;
why not get it over with?

one time,
when you were dropping me off,
i had put my music in.
i know this was "big"--
you constantly reminded me.
but it made me smile
how you'd continue to let me.
i put on this one song
and i think you actually liked it.
you asked me if i listened to
the lyrics
or the sound.
i didn't really know.
i said both a little.
you told me it was about the lyrics.
i agreed
and said i liked when the artist
kept a metaphor the whole way through.
i don't know that you really listened
but you nodded your head.
so let's pretend for a moment
that you truly did agree with me.

listen to me.
my poems are my lyrics.
so connect with them.
i am an artist.
please just try to understand
for once.
i've put my thoughts in these metaphors
hoping you could grasp it.
please at least attempt to.

i am sorry.

let's take a walk.
a walk back to history.
yes i'm aware that's in the past and clearly the past means nothing to you but at one point it did so please at least pretend to be attentive.

well we can start with
the day we met.
oh did you think that was something i could forget?
don't try telling me you don't know what i'm talking about-- we're both well aware of your memory.

kennywood park.
somehow both of our groups met up and we got to talking. only small chit chat. we ended up riding the phantom together. i pretended to be forced into it but not gonna lie i liked you. you made me feel something.
at the time that ****** me off. having a feeling made me mad. keep in mind i was a ******* then.
you liked me too. i knew it and that made me even more upset. i was a ***** to its truest definition. you liked me at my absolute worst.
at one point i was so awful that i finally pushed you away. honestly, i was upset that you stopped trying but i was in even more shock that you tried in the first place-- i mean, look at me. (i know you can't bare to anymore so i'm sorry.)
after my ***** phase, you were long gone and i pretended not to notice but here i am still telling you about it.
i hit rock bottom. i was in the middle of the ocean and i was touching some sort of ground and let me tell you it was deep but i guess mentally i had a choice in it all. i didn't mean to choose depression but i guess i must have. by the way i am an awful swimmer and i knew that diving in but maybe i wasn't hoping to come out alive.

so anyways, yes i was sad all of the time and no i could never figure out an answer of why. i tried to blame it on my friend dying and sometimes the way other people treated me but let's be honest here, i deserved all of that and truly i was just ****** up. still am though. but in that darkness of it all sometimes i got to see this little bit of light. i started to realize that you were often there when this light was on.
this one night we were at a fire together and it's funny because something else sparked between us and we had our own fire. ours lit up my dark room and **** it was nice to see again.
we kept talking and talking and more led to more and then we got into some deep **** but i wasn't scared of the deep end anymore because i knew i could trust you.
oh my. when you asked me on our first date i couldn't even handle it anymore. even my darkest corners were radiating with happiness. i had absolutely no temptation to go back down under.
and thank you. thank you thank you thank you. seeing above the water was so nice. i finally got a taste for life instead of salt water. and i was addicted. completely obsessed. i know you noticed it because you knew it wasn't a game anymore and maybe that's where i started to lose you.
i actually have no ******* clue where i lost you i'm just kind of on this guess and check process. and it's really ******* hard. i guess i'm good at math but only when it's equations and **** that makes sense but honestly i've used every reference sheet i've been given to try and figure this one out and i can't ******* get it. it's been bothering me. i can't stop scratching at my skin and pulling out my hair. i don't even mean to. i don't start to pick up on what i'm doing until an hour later and it starts to burn. but that's fine i can manage that. what i'm asking for you is some sort of clue. i need an answer jake and i don't know how much longer i can take until i go back under. i know i can't rely on you as my floatation device but i've found some stand-in replacements for the time being. i'll be okay. please just give me your solution. i am officially begging you i need this. i know you don't care about me anymore but i know you once did so please help me out just one last time.
i know you aren't who you were anymore because time changes us all but come on help a ******* girl out. i used to be your favorite girl in the world. doesn't that mean anything to you anymore? i guess not.
i can feel these floaties beginning to lose air and honestly i don't know how much i care. i think i'm starting to go back under. i'm pretty sure i told you i can't swim well. i'm sure you remember. maybe you're beginning to form a selective memory to try to forget everything behind us. i know. i'm trying too but this is definitely a scenario of easier said than done.
my goodness i forgot how much i liked the taste of salt water and i really do enjoy this darkness. i guess this is goodbye..

*side note: you loved me through a lot, jake. and thank you. you've changed me as a person and i can say i have no regrets. but you loved me through my worst and to my best. but then you started going downhill. you're changing and that's all okay i understand. but you loved me at rock bottom and now that you're just in a little bump you expect me to leave? i pushed you away at one point and then you came back and look at what blossomed between us. i don't know where to go. i know i can love you through this but i'm not sure if you actually want me to. you're so much stronger than me and mentally you could deal with all of my havoc but my biggest weakness is how i think of myself so i don't know how much longer i can stick around. i'm sorry. please give me something to work with.

you are still fine
and i'm still pretending to be.

on our first date,
we planted a seed.
everytime we talked about how much i liked you,
i watered it.
everytime we talked about how much you liked me,
you gave it your sunshine.
you were always so happy--
you were glowing and gave light to anyone who needed it. i miss that.
everytime we were together we made sure that the soil was fresh enough.
it wasn't that often but it was still enough.
a few times i was at our plant and i guess you were too. i would start checking to make sure we, i mean the plant, were okay and you came over but really only to look.
by the end of it i was the only one that got my hands ***** and i was okay with that because i know we, i mean it, became a hassle.
you kept looking and looking. i didn't mind-- didn't think much of it really. but then one day my phone rang and i looked out my window and saw us, i mean the tree, i mean our tree, and i saw you there with an axe. i knew it couldn't be good. you chopped our relationship right off, i mean that plant. i tried running out and watering it with my tears but i think i just overwatered it. it didn't help there wasn't anymore happiness in our relationship, i mean sunshine for it.

sometimes i'll think about how we, i mean how it, used to grow so well. but it was our, i mean its, time to go… i guess.

now what used to be a beautiful relationship, i mean tree, is six feet under. and i'm really hoping to make a permanent visit soon.

you used to pick me up when i fell,
but now i am laying on this cold concrete floor and i hear someone snickering in the background and i know i haven't heard your laugh in awhile but i know i could never forget that laugh of yours.

tell me honest,
does the pain ever truly go away?

forcefully,
i'm beginning to make myself accept this.
i'm sure you would be happy to hear that,
but i know you don't listen to me anymore.

why of course i'm still bitter!
you don't just feel nothing after feeling so much.
you don't just stop caring after caring so much.

you just don't do that.


*come to think of it,,
you can't just lose something that was never yours.

seeing you.
and knowing that we're nothing.

that was so much harder than it was supposed to be.

when we started all of this i wanted to be with you to make you happy.
clearly i couldn't do that anymore&& i'm sorry for that. in the beginning we made each other so happy. and i have a difficult time understanding what i did that changed your happiness.
but i guess that's life and one of its mysteries and we just have to move on from this. and by we i mean me because you're already so far past me. but that's okay that's how things happen. and i will never understand but just think of all of the things i will never understand. heck, what i do understand is so minute we might as well call it nothing.

of course i still love you,
i don't know why but it's just one of those life things that just happens and that's okay. being that i still love you means i want you to be happy. and your happiness no longer includes me but i'm beginning to come to terms with that. so i hope you enjoy the rest of your life and i hope one day you will talk to me by choice because what we once had doesn't go away-- even if it just ends up in a friendship.

sometimes that's what you need.
a friend.
and i will always be willing to be yours so never be afraid to give me a call.

if you couldn't already tell
i haven't been getting much sleep.
it's hard to while my life is in shambles.
but that's not on you.
it's all on me--
i couldn't do enough.
for some reason once you ended it,
the universe decided to give me the week from hell.
i feel like i haven't done anything right.
everything i touch just shatters.
but that's not on you.
it's all on me--
i couldn't do enough.
once i get dressed for bed
you used to like the way i dressed at night
and get under my covers
i should fall right asleep
after the days i've been having.
but i can't i lay there
thinking.
thinking of all our memories.
i try to find the bad ones
so i can pretend to hate you.
but they never seem to be there.
all i can recall is me ******* up
but that's nothing out of the ordinary.
so once it hits 3:58
that's the time i have picked every night
i tell myself i truly need to get some sleep.
and it excites me a little
to know that one more time i get to see you.

so once i close my eyes it's like nothing has changed. you broke my heart and my brain tries to figure out something. each night it gets worse and each night i still chase you. i know i can run distance but i don't know how much i have left in me. my brain is using a lot of my energy trying to figure out the mess that was made.
but that's not on you.
it's all on me--
i couldn't do enough.
and every night i wake up
in a panic
and short of breath
with a single tear rolling down my cheek
and it's 5:38.
every night.
and i'm tired of this pattern.
i'm sick of not knowing.
this guessing game isn't my favorite so can we please pick a new one?
i know it's not my choice.
it's always a two person game and i'm afraid i don't have a voice in this anymore.

so i guess this is goodbye but only for now.
because i'll see you again.
5 o'clock sharp.
maybe tonight i'll get some answers.

i'll talk to you in my dreams.
*or i guess now i call these nightmares.

sometimes i'll catch myself staring off to space
are you ever at peace knowing we see the same sky
and i forget what world i'm in
definitely not yours anymore
i feel myself swaying back and forth
back and forth
like the way your feelings were there and then left
were there and then left
people probably think i'm crazy
is that why you couldn't handle me anymore?

sometimes when i stare at something for too long it becomes a blur
i think you started overthinking our  
relationship-- you looked at us for too long and now it looks like a big mess
or maybe it's that i need glasses
or maybe you are right in thinking we aren't good for each other

i'm sorry we can't see this from the same perspective*
don't forget you're half of a foot taller than me

my pillow is drenched.
i could probably wring out a bucket full of tears.
i don't know where to put them because this is the most i've lost in a long time. probably since my last lifetime-- maybe even the one before that.

i know i shouldn't be crying because i know you aren't.
and that's hard.
it's hard because you're so emotional and sensitive-- in a good way,
and not a single tear is on your pillow tonight.
you haven't had to use a single tissue to try and be able to breathe through your nose again,,
let alone a whole box.

it will be hard to see you in the crowd,
knowing that there's so much behind us.
and i know you won't struggle with it at all,
because when our eyes meet you'll only turn your head because you can't deal with the horror of my face.
it's not at all hard for you though
because clearly you feel nothing.

that's the hardest part.
knowing that you fell so hard so quickly
and i guess it takes even less than that for you to get back up.

but i'm still lying on the floor
please don't mind my heavy breathing,,
just another anxiety attack.

it's really hard to stand up
when i'm feeling so weak.
even if i could i know one look at you and i'd fall just as hard as the last time.

i know you don't care anymore
because i know you are careful with your word choice
and those words that you chose hammered me down and i know i'm not capable of getting back up.
only the strength of your voice can take out the nails.
and i'm afraid we're long past you wanting to help me.
because if you did care at all,,
we wouldn't be here in the first place.

to anyone trying to help:
i am sorry for being so hard to lift up.

i would've done anything for you;
the feeling wasn't mutual.

i'm sorry.

i'm sorry that i had always been so hard to love. and i'm sorry for the both of us that you ever did. bc it breaks my ******* heart knowing that i can't be loved by you anymore.
it ******* ***** bc it was so obvious to me that your love is no longer to me.
once i laid my head onto my bed and my thoughts started collecting it was so easy to see that we weren't meant to be.
it has to be the worst feeling in the world knowing that i was wrong about us. about you.
your forever must be a lot shorter than mine bc we were just passing two months and now there's nothing.

and it really hurts to know that i'm the problem. i know you said i wasn't but you also said you lost your attraction of me. how am i supposed to live with myself. i wish i didn't have to. live with myself knowing that the man i love can't even see beauty in me. that's so sad. that breaks my heart. it makes me feel like nothing. i can't bare looking in my mirror bc i know what i'll see is something unloved. i only need to be loved by one person and even you can't do that anymore.

and i want no pity from you. i just want you to know that everytime someone calls me beautiful i won't be able to believe it bc i'll run your words through my head and be reminded of who i really am.

it's just hard.
hard to know that the best ******* thing that has happened to me is over.

i hope the next girl is pretty.

life is a lot harder when you have no one to turn to.

why yes,
i have friends.
and yes,
we hang out sometimes.

but that doesn't mean i'm not alone.

saturday night:
we go to a party and get drunk as hell.
then i sober up for a half of an hour before i go home to my parents.
what a great night.
but then it's 4am and i'm shaking in my bed because i'm terrified of my thoughts.
there's no where to run and no one to comfort me.
because if i ever say how i really feel,,
they'll know how mentally unstable i am
or they'll think i say it for attention.

i think of myself as a selfless person
but even i need to talk about myself sometimes.
(i'm sorry for that by the way)
but when i do want to talk you can't seem to find the time.

i didn't mean to bother you i really am sorry i just don't know where to go sometimes.

*i am constantly searching for a corner to hide in but i find myself in the center of a circle that i don't want to be in anymore.

is it right to still call this love?
being in a relationship is to make each other better but i can assure you i've never been worse and i'm afraid it's never going to get better. i keep telling you it will all be okay and that everything happens for a reason but i can't tell you how many dark hours i've spent trying to find that reason. you've hurt me so badly i've run out of feelings. i just want to feel something. i'd ask you to punch me but i think the back stab was enough of a wound to my body. to others, your weapon may only look like a butter knife but i'd just like to say if you stab someone hard enough, no matter what you use it hurts like a *****. since you were the one holding the knife it hurt worse than falling into hell. so recently ago i thought you fell from heaven. i kept saying he's too good to be true. did i find my perfect guy? i guess i spoke a little too soon. you were too good to be true and i think it's time to get my vision checked bc through my eyes i still see you as the one. i was thinking long term for us but now i'm not so sure if i was in love with you or the idea of us. i'm sorry for questioning that but why would someone you love do that to you? still searching for the answer. i think i'm finally done bleeding out but let me just say i lost a lot more than just blood last night. this **** on my chest is huge i don't know how you made it so large. i just want you to help me mend it. but you can't because you're still shaken up from the damage you've done. i'm the one lying in the hospital bed but you're the one who's crying. i don't know what else to tell you. how often do you hear about the victim apologizing? i can say this is no normal case but i still need to hear you defend yourself. i keep looking down at where my heart was and i can't seem to find anything there anymore. i really need you to be here for me but you aren't. i don't know where to go but for some odd reason i want you by my side at my next destination. i know this is going to scar. i don't think it will ever go away and you told me if that's what i believe i should just quit. but how do i walk away from a guy like you? i'm staring at the facts but the more i look the more it seems your mistakes are being erased by the idea of the man i thought you were.

i'm sorry for getting blood on your shirt.

please tell me you still love me.

sometimes i need to see
that life isn't going to be this fantasy.

eventually i'm going to wake up from this dream and i don't know what will be worse after that, staying awake and living reality or going back to sleep and you being my nightmare.

the clock is ticking, the sand is spilling
and i'm just hoping time doesn't run out.

sometimes speaking no words at all
says much more,
is even louder
than trying to explain yourself.

i thought you at least had the decency to end it all.
you hurt me in every way possible.
you stabbed me
right in the back.
you suffocated me
with every single word you whispered.
you slapped me
with the biggest wake up call
of finding out you lied all along.
you choked me
up with the strings of slander
that you spoke with so much sincerity.
you poisoned me
with your sickening medicine
named false hopes.
but for some reason
you believed it was okay
to leave me here struggling.
i have no scars of proof
but i do have one broken heart.
that hurts like ******* hell.
maybe if i'm lucky i won't recover.
silly me for thinking
that if you took me this far
you would have just killed me.
i've never heard of something so cruel:
letting me live.

I hate the way tears dry on my cheeks.

You're done crying
But you still have the reminder of the pain.

I hate the way I go talk to my friends
And they have no idea
That when I smile
I can still feel the salt from my tears.

I hate that feeling of the salt
Because I know I could still trace the way the water once fell.

I hate the way tears dry on my cheeks.

The best advice I can give you
Is that nothing lasts forever.

Because one day you're going to be dead and one day maybe long after that, but sometimes not, the idea of you is going to die. People are going to forget who you are and one day someone will say your name for the last time.

That's scary but at the same time it gives me peace.
Peace to know that every mistake I make,
Will at one time never matter.

Some time from now every thing, great or small, will not matter.

I was just one mark on the world and one day I'm going to fade away.

Just as the rest of us.

I am beginning to get this new feeling.
I don't have much of a way to describe it.
But it's this combination of love and compassion -- wanting to help others.
Mixed with this craving of being alone and giving a rudeness to all.

Recently I think I've found myself,
but I'm sad to admit that I don't like the people I am.

I have found that I am two entirely different persons.
I am a walking hypocrite.

I'll catch myself doing something that later I will judge others for.

One of me is kind, caring and wanting to make a difference.
But the other wants to leave behind all of this and get away from everyone.

Why can't I find my happy medium?

There's a devil and an angel making my decisions but why can't I find the body that fits between that makes the right decision for me.

Why can't I do what's right for me?
What do I want though?

Who am I?

Only a fool
Asks for the stars

But doesn't accept darkness.

I'm closing my eyes
In hopes of waking up tomorrow
And realizing
Tonight never happened
And it was just some
Horrible nightmare.

Please.

a year ago
my parents wouldn't shut up about me
while boasting to their friends

now
i can count on my hand
how many seconds it takes
for them to change the subject

i used to be smart
i used to be athletic
i used to be funny
i used to be poetic

but now i'm paying for the tutor
but now i'm sitting on the bench
but now i'm being laughed at
but now i'm not capable of writing good

now the only thing I'm good at
is taking off my clothes


don't they know
what 365 days can do to you

I think yesterday might have been
the best day of my life.

That's easy to say being that I
don't have much to compare it to.

Lately everyday it's been storming
and I've been locked outside.

The rain hasn't stopped since
before the summer.

I can't remember the last time
I felt sunshine on my face.

And yesterday it may have been
just partly cloudy.

But that's all it really took
just one little ray of sun.  

Now I'm hoping to get a tan
because I could get used to these better days.

Getting out of bed in the morning
Is a lot harder to do
When you have no one to wake for
And generally
No reason to live.

My hands are still shaking because I know I'll never speak to you again. I am still crying because I know I'll never hear your laughter again. I am still mourning over the idea of never hearing you cry again. I am still nervously laughing because I'll never hear your lies again. And maybe I never had time to let these sink in, because quite honestly I've never been so ****** up. But maybe I never was okay and now I'm letting you take the blame. For you are never going to be able to defend yourself again, and quite honestly, I'm still bitter.

I'm not usually one
To spill secrets

But as long as you don't
Pass it along
We'll be alright.

I guess I can share a few
As long as they aren't about you.

Actually they have to do
Entirely with myself.


As sad as it is,
Everyone around me
Thinks I've gone insane.

And I'd be lying if I said
I disagreed.

So listen here carefully
As I speak of me.

I'm very confused
About what to do.

They say that
Only people you know
Are in your dreams.

Which is why I can't seem
To ever fall asleep.

But also I never want
To be awoken.

Because that would mean
I'd have to see them.
And it's even worse
In my reality.

So where do I go?
Hopefully heaven.

Shhhh.
Please keep my secret.

You remind me of
Wilting roses.

Once so pretty
And full of life.

Now dying
And able to see the end.

Please don't be bothered
If I come along with you.

Because I can still see
All of your beauty.

For every action
There is an opposite, equal
Reaction.

That's what the chemists say,
But I promise I'm no scientist
And I, too, believe in this.

Every time you win,
Someone else loses.

Every new child brought into this world,
Another one exits.

And every angel that whispers encouragements,
A devil tells you even in hell you couldn't do it.

It's 3 am somewhere
And that's just another reason
For me to tell you this.

I think I've gone mad
I just might be insane.

Come along with me
And together we can be crazy.

My parents think I'm depressed.
And I'm starting to believe it myself.

I can't recall the last time I was truly happy.
I never accept my surroundings.

Who would've thought
That I'd end up here.

I never expected something like this
To happen to a girl like me.

I guess that's just what other people do to you.

Everyone wants this sad sob story
Like some sort of excuse
for the way I feel.

And I'm sorry that I can't give you that.
Because the saddest thing that has happened to me
hasn't really happened to me.

So I don't know why I'm so upset.
I have no reason to
Other than the fact
that only ****** people exist.

And I too am in existence.

So who the **** is gonna pity
Some ****** person like myself.

Sometimes I jump at the view of my shadow.
And I smile as tears are rolling off my cheek.
When I hear someone whisper my name I pretend it's you speaking.

I have a hard time admitting this but I need you to know that even though you aren't in my life anymore,, thinking about you is the most important part of my day.

Waiting for the day
For you to call me
When I'm looking at flowers
Instead of up at the stars

Cause I guess I'm part
Of this larger plan.

All these hard times
Will eventually
Lead to greatness.

That's what they say
Right?

Well I'll let you in
On a little secret.

We all end up in the same place.

Who do you
Spend time with

When your annoyed
By your peers

And sick
Of your family?

Don't even listen to me
I have no idea what the ****
I am talking about

But honestly


Please show me someone who does.