and I wish I could wind back time
because babe you're on my mind

and I saw you at the gym today
you gave me a small smirk
as if you've only talked to me once or twice in your life

and i know it's possible
but i don't want to love somebody else.

Tis better to have loved and lost
And lost
And lost
And lost
And lost
And lost
And lost
And lost
And lost
Than to have never loved at all???

and we stopped talking again
just as I expected

but tomorrow I have to see your face for the first time since then
and im not looking forward to it
because I know Im going to have untamed butterflies flooding my stomach

but for some chance if you're reading this
im doing my best to move on
I found this kid
which is probably going to make you mad
but im not trying to I promise
I just know he's a lot better for me than you ever were
im sorry
my love is finally fading

it's like,
cutting an apple in half;
with one drop of the knife
it won't split.
you have to keep pushing
for it to break.

similarly,
a relationship;
with one incident
it won't split.
you have to keep pushing
for it to break.

13 years ago
that Magnolia tree hovered over my yard.
it cast such a shadow
that everything underneath was always so cool.  
the flowers were so beautiful;
the purest white to the palest pink.
when the sun was at a certain angle
the tree looked magical.
5 years ago the tree split in half.

back then
the grass was so much greener.
i don't mean the metaphor
the feeling of thin lucious grass running through my toes
always amazed me.
the grass is dead now.

we used to love the rain.
we would run up
and play in the middle of the street.
until the thunder cracked
and we'd race back home,
laughing the whole way.
I'm terrified of storms now.

you used to be able to hear kids playing.
you could drive through any neighborhood at any time of day during the spring and summer.
there would be kids outside.
playing baseball, rundown, release, soccer-
riding bikes, scooters, skateboards, go karts-
jumping on pogo sticks, trampolines, and over ropes.
even at night
we would go out
trying to catch lightening bugs.
we're inside on our phones now.

the trees going to school.
God were they something.
they lined the road,
every tree was the exact same
but something about there being so many in one place
could take your breath away.
2 years ago the road and trees were destroyed

I wish things never changed

this morning, i awoke with a million different things swimming through my brain's waves and wiring that all could be summarized in only four words, picked at, scraped down, and peeled off completely raw:
my heart is hurting.

if the people at that party could physically see it in action, it would be on it's hands and knees, crawling to the nearest and darkest corner to hide in. no one seems to think you deserve me and no one has any patience and no one is waking up this morning, clutching their knees to their chest at the thought of the curve of his smile, making me want to meet god just so i could thank him for it.  

and i think it's almost insane, the way this world works. how i stayed on the porch with him until the sun came up even after he said he'd only stay for a little while. how we talked so loudly of loneliness but hadn't even slightly exhaled the word itself. how he's a figment of my past but he made my world feel new again. how all of the people that want me around are pushing me away because of the way he leaves me and showing their teeth because of the way i want him despite that- there is no kindness here- when the reason it hurts is because he is the most warm, tender person and understands the same thing about me.

it's a dog-eat-dog world and i am a 16 year old human, eating a burrito over the kitchen sink in my underwear at 5 o'clock, monday morning.