Do you ever wonder
How long your words will last
How many eyes will glance over them after you are gone.

Will my son read my writing and discover
another side to his mom he
never saw?

Will friends read my words when I'm gone and think
of how profound I once was
Will they add more meaning to my words than
I actually intended?

Who will read and create stories out of the sentences
I put together
When I'm sad

How long will these words last?

You’ve got me writing again
But it isn’t exactly what you envisioned, is it
Because you were expecting a love song
But here we are, I’m exhausted and you’re exhausting
And my mental health can’t keep up
With your demands.

I’ve changed so much, used so many spoons
Gave all of myself to better myself to
Stand alone by myself
And here you are
Wanting to change
Who I made

And I’m tired.
I’m so tired of not being good enough
Of trying and being told
I don’t try enough
Of changing and being told
I don’t change enough
Of living and being told
My life isn’t enough
For you.

What do you want me to do
I’ve given you everything
And like I’ve always feared
You just want more.

I’m tired.
So here’s the poem you
Always wanted.
I hope it’s finally
Enough.

You told me you loved me
And then took it back
“well, let’s talk about that”

You said
“See I have a fear of jumping in too soon
because the water could be too deep
or too cold
and I can’t swim in your eyes
any longer than I have to”

You said
“but I still care about you”

And you cried

But my tears drowned you out of
my vision and I wiped my face with
my hands that only wanted
to lovingly touch you

But you took it back

And now I’m not sure
what I’m supposed to do
because I didn’t take it back and
I didn’t want to

I guess I’m just a fool
who isn’t too terribly afraid of drowning
as long as I’m beside you.

Or maybe I'm just
braver than you.

You laid in my arms and tears dripped down your face,
each droplet containing all of the things you didn't say,
but I knew as each one slid across your skin and landed on mine
that you were what I've always wished for,
and everything I never knew I wanted,
and I could have died happy right there
all tangled up in you
So I cried, too.

You call me precious
Like you can see through all of the scarring etched along my spine from countless nights spent awake and drunk and lonely enough to talk to strangers who never cared about what I had to say
Precious like a stone sitting on the edge of the water and you help me forget the times I wanted to jump off and dive into the darkness, the cold depths of the sea.  I've been tangled up and turned into knots for a decade but you came around and I'm all just strings now, ready to be braided into something beautiful by your hands as they caress me in the most innocent places, my collar bones, my cheeks, along my arms and sending goosebumps over my skin.  A physical reaction showing what your touch does to me.
You call me precious, the freckles across my shoulders and nose, and you squeeze me hard, not enough to break bones but hard enough that I know that you're as close to home as Ill ever be. 
You call me precious without knowing the extent I've went to in order to correct everything wrong about me and the under construction signs that are still littered across my mind and sometimes when you look in my eyes it feels like I'm being looked at for the very first time.

I want you sugar coated
Sitting on my tongue
Melting in my mouth
Leaving me with unquenchable desire
Wanting more
More
More
More of your skin underneath my fingertips
More of your mouth on mine
Craving your sweetness,
my next fix, my next taste
Of you.

You intrigue and inspire me
And I want to explore every inch of you,
trace my fingertips over every curve of your body,
the creases of your lips, twirl my fingers through your hair,
plant kisses along your collar bone so my adoration
will grow there and flourish,
adorning you, blossoming under my touch.

I want to write letters for you to float on,
to tuck into your dreams,
to keep close to your heart at all times.  
I want you to melt onto the pages when you think of me
so you know how I feel,
constantly being a puddle at your feet.

All I do is sleep and cry
My bed has become the quicksand I feared when I was younger
The sinking pit hidden behind bushes deep in the woods that
****** you in before you could scream for help
My blankets wrap around me and constrict
A boa prepping me to be its snack
An ocean of fabric that refuses to let me swim
I sink in, I cant move, I cry.
The tears fall down my face as if they are lubrication
To help me out of the tangled web of black and white flowers
Covering my sheets
As if to try to coax me out from my hiding place,
My hole,
My life.  
And I cry a lot.  
I cry until my eyes are the size of golf *****,
Until the elephant in my room is now sitting on my chest
And I cant breathe
And I gasp through the tears
And I want to die.  
I will take anything over this pain in my chest,
This shaking in my hands,
These wild and manic thoughts that make me feel like
I've finally, completely broken.  
Gone off of the deep end,
Right into the hands of the quicksand that is my bed.  
The quicksand that is not hidden in some woods
But is right in my living room,
Right in front of my front door,
So easy to fall into,
So easy to succumb to,
So easy to die there.  
If i wanted to.

I spend so much time
putting you back together
but when I fall apart
you can’t be bothered.

im losing weight

dropping my skin like
last night's wine stained dress

i will lose enough

that no one can
retrace their fingertips steps

i will shed the residue

of every finger and each
breath that still lingers

i will rid myself

of the mistakes that are
laced in each of my seams

i will disappear

so no one can see how
damaged i truly am.

Too many hands
have ran their fingers
through my hair

Leaving traces of
themselves behind

Too many memories
are embedded in
each strand

Individual moments
in each dead end

So I will take these
scissors where my
hair begins

Directly at the
roots

And I will chop away
until all of the fingers
fall to my shoulders

Finally releasing themselves
from my mind.

It comes in waves,
tidal waves
gripping your insides
swallowing you whole
dragging you out
into the abyss of
its darkness
and no life preserver
can save you from
drowning in
your own thoughts

SOS
my brain
is battling my
body again
and im afraid
this time
I wont win.

My stomach ties itself into knots
and forms into a hard lump
in my abdomen
and I wish I could throw it up
and throw it out
So I wouldn’t get sick
thinking about you
anymore.

And what do you hope to find
when you’ve lost yourself in my eyes
what do you think is hiding in the
deep recesses of my mind?

I've started hating all
of the music that
I love
and maybe it’s because
I hear you in every
song

Will I miss you
or just the feel of
your jaw cupped
in my hand
and my fingers
tracing through
your hair
and your soft
soft skin
I wanted to
feel forever

drink drank drunk
the night was young
but I woke up feeling
20 years older
right back in that place
where my wrists feel
sensitive to the touch
because my mind
has lashed them
over and over and Ive
thought of how the
blood would taste on
my tongue
and if it would still
consist of the liquor
I drank
that ruined everything.

"To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die"


You blossom

Your warmth
glows

Under my touch

And I can’t keep my
fingers from

Tracing poems

Across your skin

As my eyes travel
deep into

Yours

And drown

The sweetest death

I could have
imagined

I am a total wreck of a person
A five car pile up stuck on the side of the highway
Windows caved in and smoke billowing
The ambulance is on the way
To pick up all of the fragments that are
Left on display and to
Remove all of the glass that has the
Potential to pull at my insides and
Tear me apart.

I am torrential rain in the middle of night
The lightning cracking across the sky and
The winds whipping through and breaking the branches that land on your porch or
Crash through your front door and
Leave puddles behind that you have to clean up in the morning
I am falling and pouring and
I am terrifying to those few who
Still hear their own screams in the thunder
And who know what the rain feels like
When it leaks from your eyes and
There is no drought in sight.  
The flooding that drowns from the inside out.

I am an icecream cone on a hot day,
I melt easily in the sun but
You cant resist me,
Three scoops of chocolate and vanilla and strawberry,
An assortment for the assorted,
The sticky sweet sugar on your tongue,
The rush of cold going straight to your head and
Causing a headache
Press your tongue to the roof of your mouth
And hope the pain goes but
When it finally does,
You take another bite and there's that cold again
The desire you can't quench so you
Lick and lick and lick
Despite the repercussions because
You like the way I taste.

I am a dandelion flower waiting to be picked
Waiting for wishes to come from someone's lips and
Feed my seeds so I can explore
But i am easily torn from the ground, out by my roots, without my choosing to
And i am easily cut down by blades pushed by those who dont
See me or
Dont care
And I am easily tossed aside once all of
My seeds have taken every wish to
Their destination and I am just a ****
And I will turn brown and rot and disappear
and will be forgotten.

Floating in a world destined to be
neatly labeled and stacked on shelves
in the back of the pantry,
settled in nice and snug,
Im the awkwardly shaped fruit
that you cant cut and seal.  
I stick into fingers like
diabetic pin needles
and make blood bloom on your hands
when you try to sort me.  
If you get past my rough exterior
I have a hard shell that cannot be
cracked simply,
you wont get through that easily.  
My structure refuses to bend and break
at the touch of those who
find love only in words on fragile pages
dictated by men with silver tongues
and false embraces.  
I am the fruit that was bitten into by Eve
on that fateful day
from the forbidden tree,
sexuality.  
I am not so easily stored into
nice compartments,
brand new tupperware arrangments
that find a home in the
cold confines of your refrigerator.  
I cannot stand the cold or the dust
of your kitchen appliances or cupboards,
I cannot sit quietly with the
tucked in things, the organized,
and mantained items.  
My juices, when open, stain and drench
all surroundings
despite the care you take in handling
and I will ruin your precious dress.  
I am volatile, I am awkward,
I am beautiful, I am inconvenient,
I am art.  
I am the awkwardly shaped fruit that you
cant cut and seal.  
I am real.

The skin on my wrist feels sensitive

As if just a brush of my finger could cut it open

And let lose the emotion that I have built

In my chest that is screaming to get out

And I could cry an ocean if it wouldn’t cover

My desk and distract me from work that I despise

And I could sleep for eternity, never blinking

My eyes, never seeing the light if it meant

I didn’t have to deal with the burning sensation

In my pupils as they try to expand and contract

And take in my surroundings that seem drab and

Gray on days like today when it’s cold out but

My heart is colder and I’m freezing to death

No matter how much warmth my sweater provides

How do you heat up an empty shell of a girl who

Despises the sun and prefers the rainy nights to

The broad daylight of the afternoon and hides

In darkness

I brushed my shoulder off
And the boulder that was you
Fell to the ground

My neck feels better now.

“What’s your secret to being happy?!”* you asked
I smiled and replied,*“I’m not.”

You call this art,
My constant need to write things out
For better understanding, to map them
Out on pages covered in watercolor
Paintings, my use of anything I can get
My hands on to create something
And you look at me in amazement
When I show you what I have done,
When I show you how I took all of my
Emotions and turned them into
Projects that some may find beautiful
But you don’t see the pain behind
Every word I type and each stroke
Of my paint brush or each eraser mark
Littered on illustrations I try to complete
And you don’t see that I try to mend
My broken heart with artwork so it no
Longer bleeds, this papier-mâché
Creation is all that I have that keeps me
Pieced together and
Sound of mind
And you look at me in amazement
And call it art
When really it’s just my attempt
At surviving.

my words drip
drip
d

r

i

p
into these emails
and fill the cup to the brim
and I let them drown me
in their tide
the dam is shaking
it's breaking apart
and soon everything
will be
u
n
d
e
r
the flood
u
n
  d
   e
    r
     neath the
prevalence of my
thoughts and the
o n s l a u g h t
of the emotions my
words provoke
and you could be
the
(life vest)
thing that saves me
maybe
if you wanted
but these words
don't really make
sense
and how can I
gasp for air
when really air
is the only thing
filling my
lungs to
c a p a c i t y
and the
d
  r
   o
     w
       n
         i
          n
             g
is
(all in my head)

It’s okay, I only cry sometimes, I lie,
Because being honest and admitting to
Days filled with endless tears is
Unattractive
And nobody likes a weak girl with wet eyes
Tears mean
Instability
In the eyes of stones who masquerade
As human beings.

It’s okay, I only cry sometimes, I say,
Like when reading a book and it hits me
Harder than expected
Like on drunken nights when I’m lonely and
My past haunts me
Like the times when I’m really, truly, kind of
Very happy
Or when I’m numb to everything
And sometimes when nothing at all
has happened but I’m still moody

But it’s okay,
because honestly,
*I only cry sometimes.

I will take my time as I unravel the binds
That you laced around your figure,
My fingers handling the intricate knots with care,
And I will be attentive to every truss,
Making sure I get each one undone.
Slowly, you will disentangle from the
Untidiness that restricts and I will witness
The birth of your galaxies as you finally
Take a step out of your restraints.
You are my work of art,
My beautiful silhouette of an angel that
Was trapped far too long by the weight
Of the world that you encompassed.
I knew all along what lay beneath the cocoon
That you sheltered yourself in and,
As you take your first step with no hindrances,
I watch as you blossom into radiant colors,
Abstract light that brightens your face
And reveals your true essence.
I know in that moment,
That you are the most stunning butterfly
I have ever come across and
Every knot untied
Was worth it.

I’m poisonous, detrimental
I will destroy you and I won’t
even glance back to throw
Pity your way.
I am the tornado that sweeps
up the city without hesitating
Lightning crashes that shatter
The sky, thunder that shakes
Rooftops and terrifies small
Children laying in their parents’
Beds. I am the monster that
Hides underneath those beds
And grabs small feet as they
Hang down, I am the eyes in
The closet that haunt you
When you’re sleeping and I
Am the nightmares that keep
You awake at night. I seek
To demolish, I seek to scare,
I seek to tear apart your pieces
And fling them into rioting flames
I will mutilate, decapitate, violate
You without sympathy and I will
Watch as you cry out in pain
And wither away.
I am everything you’ve always
Feared I would be
And worse.

I jumped head first into
The ocean that has your name
And I tried to stay above the
Waves but the current
Dragged me out of my
Comfort zone and my toes
Could no longer touch the
Sandy bottom
I jumped in before and
Almost drowned until I
Was able to pull myself
Out and I thought I had
Learned my lesson, but
Here I am again, trying to
Stay afloat in your torrential
Water because I thought
That maybe the swimming
Lessons I took after the first
Time would help me keep
My bearings, I was quite
Mistaken, and now I’m fighting
Once again to save myself
From your depths
The thought of drowning in
You was once so appealing
But now I just want a breath
Of fresh air and a life jacket.

I.
Your fingers dance in my hair
And it’s hard for me to remember
That this once haunted me
In my dreams when you were gone
But now you’re back and
You’re still a ghost to me.

II.
We dance around the truth like moths dance
Around lights attached to front porches and
We never really care that we are spending
Our lives avoiding our destiny.

III.
The light dances in your eyes and
I want to look away for good but
The reflections mesmerize and
I somehow got lost along the way

IV.
Dancing along the pavement,
Recounting all of the cracks we
Always intended to step on.
Instead of breaking backs,
We broke each other’s hearts.

V.
We continue to play the same games
And we dance to the same songs,
Hoping that maybe this time,
We could actually get along
Without breaking.

Blue eyes to behold

Thick lashes framing your soul

Please don’t look away

I.
The window will always be closed between us -
you never gave me enough room to breathe.

II.
"Open the window,” you laid on my chest, suffocating me
and I needed some fresh air to get rid of your scent

III.
I leaned out and peered over the edge,
wondered just how long it would take to finally meet
The ground below if I leaned a little bit further and
Just let go, attempting to fly like the baby bird I
Always pretended to be.

IV.
The light filtered through and
The sound of traffic (brake squealing and honking)
penetrated my mind, knocking all
Thoughts of you (laughing and talking)
Out of my thoughts
Good riddance
Car accidents always sounded better, anyway

V.
My breath fogged up the glass
and I wrote you love
letters that disappeared
just as quickly as you did
But we were always meant to be
temporary just like
notes made out of
warm breath and window panes.

You're sweet like candy
And I've always had an intolerance for sugar

I got a really pretty dress the other day
that looks like a painting
and I thought, how fitting,
because all I ever wanted to be
was a piece of art on your wall
that you could admire whenever
you wanted.

I will leave you with little bits and pieces of my mind
throughout the day and you may find it entertaining
or you may realize that my mind is far too unhealthy
to work properly (this is more than true)

I’m afraid that I’m going crazy and these three cubicle
walls are doing nothing to help me find my placing among
these phone calls, but it’s hard to find your footing when
the voices of the patients consistently knock you over

And you want to hide underneath your desk for fear of
your sanity finally leaving out of the door because it
couldn’t take it anymore and it’s bags were packed
already.

I’m writing this in the form of a poem but we both know that
the pleas of the insane could never truly be beautiful and
that is what this is, a documentation of a young woman
finally coming to terms

With no longer having all of her marbles, she lost them in a
game amongst children in the school yard but thought she
had gathered enough, since, to maintain herself (she was
wrong)

And now she is scattered across a Formica desk surrounded
by voices that are not in her head but actually in her vicinity,
all saying the same things she says, all answering the same
messages

All of the same thing over and over again every day and we’re
back to the monotony of the situation at hand, no excitement
resides inside of these walls just like they cut all contact off
to nature

No windows located anywhere near, can’t catch a glimpse of
the outside, lord forbid, you may decide to skip out in the
middle of a berating phone call so you can walk in the sun that
glistens on the pavement.

Too much fresh air is bad for cubicle robots, too much freedom
leads you to believe that you are not just a drone that they
trained to avoid any interaction at all costs, just put it off, put
it off, put it off, wait for the call.

The waves keep crashing over me, making breathing difficult.
Any moment I hope to wash up on a shore that I can call my own,
Make my home, but for right now I float.

Like a piece of driftwood that was led astray from the ship it was
Attached to, I no longer have a vessel that serves a purpose and
I’m slowly warping and decaying with every wave.

The sun glares down at my floating body as if it knows my deepest
Secret, it’s glad to see me struggling in the dark water, hoping that
I will eventually drown - I don’t blame it.

I would have sunk a long time ago but the air in my lungs keeps me
Afloat and I can only wait to see when they will eventually deflate
And I will be sent to the depths, where I belong.

I imagine myself, pale and freezing, slowly sinking towards the
The sandy bottom that awaits me, arms raised at my sides, glassy
Eyes opened wide, watching my descent.

The thought of giving up grows stronger every second my cracked
Skin is left in this water and I have to force the images out, seeking
The resolve I must have stored somewhere

It’s a difficult task but I keep my head above the water, my lungs full
Of air, my heart on the same rhythm it was in before, and I wait for
The shore that is sure to come at any moment.

You looked at me

with fire

And I

extinguished

you

“Please don’t talk so loudly, these walls are paper thin.”

You’re huddled on my bed,
Crying like a child, sobbing
(You’re shaking with every gasp of your shallow lungs)
Warning me of the boogie man
Hiding behind the door

“Please, I think he has a gun!”

You slur your words as you
Open yourself up to show your scars
(I already know they are there, I have the same marks)
I hush you, soothe you,
Try to keep you quiet

“It will be okay, he will be gone soon, I promise”

Somehow I became your protector
From the bad guys who seek to destroy
(You have a thing for the bad boys with hard hands)
So I hide you in my room and
Stretch my arms over your skeleton
(That’s all you are now, a pile of skin and bones)
And my heartbeats are used
To keep yours going
(I hope it’s strong enough, God, I hope it beats harder)
I coax you, encourage you
Attempt to mend you

“Lay your head on my chest, everything will be alright.”

I hope you will keep going
Because I need you
(I love you, I love you, I love you. Please stay with me)
I busted down that bathroom door
When you were locked inside
(I could hear your demons laughing right inside, next to you)
I bled for you, I bruised for you
I broke myself down to give you my pieces

“Please don’t do this, please give me that knife, don’t use it.”

You needed patching so I
Glued you back together again
(I stitched the pieces that wouldn’t stick and hoped it wouldn’t come undone)
And then the boogie man and
The bad guys disappeared

“Oh sweetie, they’re no longer a problem to deal with!”

So you took all of my pieces and
You left me behind
(I wasn’t needed as your protector anymore)
No bad guys to stand up to,
No demons to stare down
(You disappeared without a trace just like they did)
So I sat in my room alone,
Crying like the child that I was
(Wishing my mother needed me again)

"Please don't talk so loudly, mommy, these walls are paper thin."