I miss the old days, they say
When a hungry heart could pay the soul,
In what little money could not
Though we are histories,
Ages past and generations of believers,
Reaching past the veil, inviting spirits to encompass
What we are nary to offer
Writhing in our insistence to break apart
The bones that gnaw at us, begging for snippets
Of performances, a story, glory
Divinity we forbid ourselves, they say
Why, if I could fly, in song,
Why, if I could enchant those hungry hearts like mine,
I think that would be fine

I unzip all the progress I've made, like a suitcase,
And it all comes tumbling out, every accomplishment,
Every moment I felt a little bit lighter and a little bit better,
I am suffocating. The air is tight and heady and I am choking on it.
I shouldn't be here - shouldn't be here - don't want to be here
Where on earth should I be instead?
It's clammy, I'm queasy, I dread this
Let me throw it all away
Hide my baggage in a dumpster, hide my thrice ****** worries in an
ashtray
Brand name purses of tightly packed I-feel-betters
Lost in luggage claim, their discount replacement from customer service
Just another lie to swallow.
I don't want to wake up again, again, until I have my piece of the world
To own. To fret over. To fill. To be prided on and loved in.
Until then I am a jumble of taut nerves and plans
If no one's got one, then I should have, and
Backpacks, dufflebags, crates, I shouldn't have left my happiness
In things that would arrive too late

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They must be blind and numb,
The webs between my thighs,
The maw of my heart
Ice crystallizes the imprints,
Grooves of lips and fingertips
But my blood runs too warm,
I thaw the floes, divert arctic currents
To bring them to me, to drown locked with me
For each promises to swim willingly,
For they see the beauty, think the water as shallow as they
If I go with you? Will you drown me too? No,
Each promising to obey!
Into the depths, beneath the salty foam they grab
For me, force their tongues against the cut of my incisors
Draw blood. My quills draw blood. More poisonous than rockfish
Now, to drown, speared and mute
I beg their promise be kept, it's never any use
Their glassy eyes hold nothing
There's no swimming with them now

When first I did see you,
My heart was a drum, beaten,
A fog horn blew out to sea.

When you looked at me,
Stark, true, across blue sky,
Sunshine piercing the clouds.

When you touched me,
Frost thawing at first light,
Misted dews on the heathers.

When you were upon me so,
Could I not but open, bloom,
Softly, wind on the petal.

When your hot eyes got me,
Set smoulder to stoked flame,
Aye, I burned for you.

Pretty soon I was crying into a cup of tea, drinking in the lightening flashes, waiting for the sudden onslaught then drought of rain
Whispering to her, hushing her ramblings
I didn't even realize I was alone again.

Death walked up to me one night,
Slipped me a cigarette
We sat beneath the stars beneath my dorm room window,
Death said, “I haven’t touched you yet”
The next day I heard the church bells toll,
My colleague from theater, swung free of her bonds
The whole campus chorusing, their Kyrie Eleison
Who could’ve known? Who could’ve known?
I knew, Death walked in her just as it did me,
I watched Death take her aside and haunt her as she desperately tried
To find an anchor, to find solace, well hers and mine became the theater
When I saw Death with her I envied her the company,
Our morbid fixations sought through our scripts, both of us cast
The same character,
Both of us popping pills carefully hidden in little soap boxes,
Boxed up with wine and razors in care packages from the same lover

Death sat with me the other night,
Held a bandage to my wrist and lay me to bed
He lifted his hood, wiped the tears from my eyes,
Begged me to dance again, on ankles slit,
Caressing me as Elisabeth

Now I’ve been kissed,
Kyrie Eleison,
We shared the same stage, once,
Tell me what's waiting there for me
Beyond the mist of Chapel Hill