I miss when he would call me beautiful because he could.
Because his eyes didn't just see it, but his heart felt it.

Sometimes I miss the way we were before—
When we were on fire.
Untouchable.
Love so flammable no wind or change could extinguish
Even a single flame.

My eyes are weary from weeping,
But my heart is heavy for you still.

I built a home between his hip bones
Though I don't visit all too often
It is a sanctuary
Not the only one but my first true sin
Bruised skin
Flesh on flesh
I swear god put him on this earth just as a test
To watch me give in
Again and again
I can't say no
I can't pretend
You found my frail self screaming, crying on your bathroom floor
We spilt the the wine of life
You striped me of my bile covered clothes
Dragged me to shower
You sat there stroking my head for what felt like 24 hours
Oh the taste of relapse
Smells of cigarettes and silence
Feels like hitting the wall and then being buried under the bricks
In and out in and out
Regain consciousness
Look in the mirror
Take another hit
Breathe
Sitting in that dimly lit room full of mirrors and couches
Memories, more memories
We sat together, limbs entangled
We thanked god for that white powder
We cursed at lucifer for our delicate addiction
Inhale
Feel the burn
Wow
"I missed you so much"
Maybe once again I'll visit the home between your hips
And we'll fall in love again
Oh the taste of relapse
So bitter sweet

Some days, I don't feel the warmth of your bare arms around me when we sleep.
Some days, I don't hear the breath of your words as you look right through me.
Some days, I don't see you across the table when I eat my dinner.
Some days, I don't smell your cologne coming out of the shower as you're getting ready in the morning.
Some days, I don't feel your touch in the shower.
Some days, I don't embrace you under our sheets.
Some days, all I have is memories.

On those days, I crave you so I turn in to see if I have anything left in my mind to go back to those days when I had you with me and around me and in me.
On those days, I feel alone.
On those days, I feel resentful.
On those days, I feel suffocated by the good I have so far away.
And on those days, I ask if it's worth it.

Today--
Is one of those days.
And it's worth it.