I smash open my skull and pry apart my frontal lobe ,
so I could forget how your smile made me felt.

I pull my teeth out with a pair of rusty pliers,
to make me forget the taste your tongue left me.

I tear my fingernails off and replace them with sharpened glass between the ripped flesh,
to forget the tender sweet touch from your hands.

I gorge my eyes out,
so I can forget how you used to look as you slept.

I stab my ear canals with scissors,
to forget the sound of you laughing.

I plug my nose up with mothballs,
so I forget how your clothes smelt when I wore them.

I peel off my skin piece by piece
to forget how soft your skin was.

I can’t forget.

Dreading to open sad eyes
to step tired feet out of bed
forced to be who she isn't
and to live in a world of crISIS

a line of love miles away
cut off by cradled arms of family members
like a grand opening to this new life

hollow body
covered in crimson cracks
help the bleeding
let her fall asleep with dreams of blood stained metal

or wake up next to the curly haired boy
that still carries her heart in his back pocket
everyday another piece of her is put in a jar

like saving up for a concert
except my jar is filled with pieces of my skin for every time I didn't get to tell you "I miss you"

****** ex pointing fingers
anxiety chewed finger nails
trust issues beginning with herself
and ending with him

when will she wake up from this dream?
difficulty breathing toxic air
more like polluted water filled lungs

she rather spend time with her thoughts than with the truth
where is the drain to scream her emptiness into?
to cry these acidic tears?
and bleed this familiar exposed blood?

Repetitive complaining spoilage
Asking for help but pushing away anyone who tries
The way people help isn't the way I want it

I want you
I don’t get to see you when I want to
Because sometimes I need to hold your hand
And I'm punished for needing help

I don’t know if my problem is this depression doc prescribed me with
Or the idea that running away from problems is the path most travelled by
They said that when you held my hand, you brought me down the wrong path
And they said your hands were filthy

But you promised me that you would wash them
Clean them of the sleepless nights
And the assumptions of your life
Prove them wrong

But don’t change who you are
Don’t rinse your hands in bleach like they want you to
Rinse them in the forgiveness those people need while reciting your ABC's
And don’t forget to wash in between our mistakes

How do they expect me to hold foreign hands?
Without a razor in my own
How do they expect me to find sanity?
When they’ve taken everything

Transporting me into the hands of others
Am I too much to handle?
But they didn't even stamp "handle with care" on my crate
Carrying surprises of disappointment

It’s been shipwrecked stormy seas
Seeing familiar faces
Explaining myself over and over again
Monotone and white lies

Of all these 16 years they didn’t even know me
Now pursuing every secret
And every locked door

I don’t hold the key to my own body anymore
It’s in the freckled hands of lullabies
Strings attached
I'm their puppet