How can I move on when I never got to finish?
When I was pulled away from my co-dependent life source
with forceps around my neck?
Detached like stitches that weren't ready to come out
It hurt like hell.
Like hell was exactly the way Catholic school described it
because time doesn't heal ****.
The closure I never got like mom didn't close the door behind her
I had to get up and close it myself
except I kept falling down the stairs
I want to get up and close the door so bad, it's just that
I don't want it to happen again
I don't want to silently die on the bathroom floor again
I don't want to live off of my own blood again
I don't want to be so sure that I'm insane
like bed bug infested hotel pillows
It's like I don't want to forget you
I guess that's it... I never want to forget you
God you were so good
It's been over 365 days
It's been many nightmares and repetitive poetry
But your name still lingers on my breathe
And the short-lived memories on the tip of my tongue
I should probably brush my teeth
You shouldn't still be here
You left a longtime ago
But you must have forgot to tell me
Because I was still sending you letters
And you would send some back
But you tricked me you tricked me you tricked me
The idea of your voice caused me to rediscover old mannerisms
You reminded me that I actually like wearing bones and the color red
It's like finding an old song that you used to love
And the thought of bones is becoming an obsession again
Even my worst habits remind me of you
Everywhere is you
Everything is you
You're causing this "poem" to turn into and old unsaid rant
The thought of you has a nucleus and membrane of its own
It travels through my body and attacks my white blood cells
I shouldn’t still be writing about you
You're so last year
But baby I'm a hipster and I love to wear vintage
My life is something I'm getting used to
Because every time a piece of my heart is torn away
It grows back
Like a lizards tail
But I'm just getting used to it.
And when 200 miles caused you to fall out of love with me
I never got over it
I'm not sure I can say that I got used to it.
It's still somewhere in the back corner of my brain
It sneaks up on me at night
And comforts me in my nightmares
I wake up screaming "come back!"
But I can't find a place to put this memory
I can't just drop it in the food disposal
And I don't know if I could ever let this memory go because it is the closest I'll ever be with you again
I lied. I'm not used to it
Our hearts were tied together by a red string
And whenever we were too far apart
a pressure was put on our hearts
Instead of saying ouch you said you missed me
But one day distance cut that red string
And it turned black.
your connected to someone new now,
By the fingertips
My string is still attached to me like an umbilical cord
Except now there is a ten pound weight tied to the end of it.
I tried to cut it off
But mom hid all the razors
Pad lock clenched teeth
Bc you can't tell anyone
It kills you to keep this spirit locked up
This spirit of tears located in your chest
When you swore you were totally over him
And then he speaks to u.
The spirit fades into your collar bones
You gain salted cheeks
And hyperventilating breaths
Heck. He did it again
I come home smelling like cigarettes
And my grandmother sprays the house with Lysol.
She asks me why I smoke
But I can't tell her it's because the smell reminds me of you.
Thought I was over you
My mouth is filled with cotton *****
And my body has turned to aged stone.
You ******* put me on a respirator
And then pulled the ******* plug.
I saw you in my dreams
Kissing girls that were not me
But I received a phone call
Saying the exact same thing
I couldn't fall asleep
Not when you're in the bed with her.
and you just said you loved me
Last ******* Sunday
My insides are filling themselves with cement
But I'm still shaking as if in negative degree weather
But I can't change your drug soaked mind
Because your brain is in the **** jar and you really don’t give a ****
I'm not one to let things go
But this **** will never make your skin crawl
You and her are ******* under my skin
******* for not freaking giving a heck
My eyes lower themselves day after day
because they cannot take the heaviness of your absence any longer
they are fixated on your photograph
while the image of you dances on my frontal lobe
my lips are stitched together with pieces of your skin
I cannot speak of you
or my ears will infect with curdled milk from the mouths of neglected goats
at least you're in my pillow case
we meet almost every midnight
when you slip back inside the right side of my brain
and sleep abruptly without a sound.