The way you held me hurt
In ways I can't describe.
You tore my arms, legs, back,
The rips growing deeper
With each **** meeting.
You stared at the tears in my skin,
Proud of yourself, aroused.
You scraped your claws over them,
Pulling them wider, prettier.
You pleased yourself, admiring your work.
I was perfect for you.
Sitting still and letting you disfigure me,
My body was not mine.
I was yours, signature and all,
Deep etchings in my skin
The same etchings I carve off,
only to grow them back.
You made me carve your name,
Over, and over, and over.
My fingers dull and numb,
Digging deeper for you to see,
For you to admire.
Though I was never enough.
Not close to satisfying your hunger.
Never a day passed
Where I would not dread seeing you.

I was at a funeral today,
Second one this month.
Through tears and forced smiles,
Sobs and heavy breathing,
They loved her.
She was a lovely woman,
A mom, grandma, friend, wife.
A giver, a lover, a ray of life.

At my funeral, what would they say?
Would they tell the truth?
One who never could be pinned down?
Bringer of medical bills, stress, and tears?
An abomination, soiled by its own hand?
A parasite, just another expense?

I made them laugh, sure.
I served some purpose,
At least until I grew.
I was sweet, loving, forgiving, forgetting.
I took every hit, every threat,
Unmoving, sitting perfectly still.
A lamb on an altar,
Pristinely white and harmless.
Not flinching from the blade.

Growing up was my worst crime.
I grew bitter and spiteful.
Screaming the truth,
Daring to make a scene.
I publicly destroyed myself,
Rehashing wounds for others to see.
Dirt covered my wounds, infecting them.
Years of scars build upon each other,
My skin boiling and warping into this beast,
This abomination.

So tell me,
At my funeral, am I just another daughter?
Another friend, grandchild, niece, lamb?
Or am I the infected, maggot-covered son I am?
A disgusting filthy mutt, baring my teeth?

I am holding up a mirror,
A mirror to how I was treated.
Do you not like seeing yourself?
Yourself in your own sacrificial lamb?

Don’t lie at my funeral.
Tell them who I really was,
A ****** lamb, a soiled sacrifice.
Once perfect, harmless prey,
Now decrepit and tattered.
I am ruined, I am violent, utterly horrid.

Why should I care
If my useless parts hurt?
Why would It matter
If they fell off?
Why can’t I hurt them
If they are so wrong?
Why should I see a doctor
If they should rot?

In a way, I’m ashamed.
No one should have to see them,
Care for them.
Care for them like I never did.
They are dreadful,
Deformed, rotten, scarred.
Something so alien,
That I must rid myself of them.
They cursed me,
Cursed me to a life of deformity,
Self hate, disgust, pain.

By normal standards they’re useless.
They hurt, not even serving a function.
Barely aesthetic for a lover,
Completely foreign to me.
I hide them.
No one should have to bear witness
To this cursed form I reside in.
Free me from this flesh,
This broken, scarred frame.
Built wrong and improper.
With corrupt systems,
My crooked vessel fails.

Cold hands trace my body,
Places I never want to see.
Locks break, defence falls.
No one saw me,
The way I kicked, grabbed, cried.

My only witnesses were the shadows.
From my nightmares to my protectors,
They were behind me,
A distraction, a comfort.
I named my shadow,
A kind boy, a big brother,
One who could protect me.
A brother like I should have been.
He held my hand,
Helped me redress and collect my thoughts,
Scared the memories away.

I want to thank him.
But my shadow has long gone.
He is a part of me now.
I thought I lost, but I gained.
I learned my own comfort,
My own love, my own hero.
No one can hurt us,
My brother won’t allow it.

Claws rip me inside-out
The path of my spine allows it.
I look up at myself
Surgery scars, shaky limbs,
Pale skin, scabs, and veins.
I’m slouched over, limp
As fire burns through my bones.
The room is spinning through,
my heart is falling out of my chest
My lungs struggle and shake.
The paramedic questions me,
I see his blurred figure through tears.
They connect the wires,
Words fail me this time.
Sweat is dripping down my body
Cold needles caress me.
This is going to be a long night.