a sequence of numbers i have buried in my head. the moment things unbearable those numbers pop into my head
they tell me to hold on. they tell me to see if tomorrow would be better
they tell me to think of the handful of people i would inconvenience with the news of my death
these numbers are always just on time. just right before i tighten the noose
and just before i fix my mouth to swallow the pills I've collected over time
they remind me of the time i held my stomach for laughing so hard
they remind me of the excitement i had to bring my nephew home from the hospital
they help me be hopeful of my future

I wish I could talk to you.
Tell you everything that's wrong while you hold me close.
Tell me there's no reason to feel blue.
Then turn on our favorite song.

But instead I'm up wondering what your arms would feel like around me.
What your voice sounds like when your sleepy.
And all the things we could be.
Got me up at 1am, crying.

And maybe you don't even think of me as much as I think of you.
Or at all for that matter.
I wonder if you think of me too.
Imagining how the world would be so much better.

Now hits 2am staring at the ceiling.
Lost in a daze.
Wishing not feel what I'm feeling.
The same feeling I've been feeling for days.

The uncertainty and constant wondering makes me unmotivated.
Why can't I just approach you?
Why am I so shy and isolated?
Was it real or was it all just in my head?