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Jude Dill Jan 2019
"if you need to know something, write it three times."

"okay," i whisper as i pick up my pen.

i am okay.

one.

i am okay.

two.

i am okay.

three.

is it working yet?

i am okay.

four.

i am okay.

five.

i am okay.

six.

why isn't it working?

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Jude Dill Jan 2019
i fell apart last evening.
you took 12 pills at once.
i sobbed in my living room,
all alone in my house.

you had a pen and paper.
no will to live in sight.
i tried to talk you off that ledge.
you fell with not a single drop of fright.

911 calls all around,
like beer glasses to friends.
a tear stained face and shaky voice
was all i was that night.

i never thought this would happen to me.
a nightmare come true.
blaring lights and a hospital bed.
a life anew.

you lived another second,
another minute,
another hour.

- i know suicide too well today.
Jude Dill Jan 2019
-  When you let me go, I never thought I would
be okay again. I thought I would fall apart
and turn to dust in this darkness.

I know. I wanted you to be happier.

- I begged for you to stay.

I know you did.

- Why didn’t you?

I knew you would be happier without me.
Someday, at least.

- You should have told me.

I did. In my own twisted way, I did. I let you go.
You knew I loved you. You knew that better than anyone. I let
you go because I had to.

- I cried over you.

And I over you.

- Why do you throw your happiness away
for someone like me?

Because someone like you deserves every
sunset, every star in the sky,
every flower blooming from the face of this earth,
and someone so, so much better than me.
You deserve to be happy.

- I was happy with you.

I hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you.
I’ll never forgive myself for it.


- You didn’t hurt me.

You know I did. Somewhere in you, you know
I did. You’re too blinded by love and a clouded
future to see it. Trust me. If you will do one thing
for me, just trust me.

- Please don’t leave me.

I have to.

- Why?

All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy.
Please, just close the door. Lock it. Throw away
the key. Don’t let my ash covered hands *****
your porcelain skin ever again.

- You act as if I am an angel.

You always have been to me.
Bright eyes,
Pale skin,
Happiness dripping from your skin like honey
and the sun wrapping around you
like a halo through your hair.

- You act as if you are a monster.

I am.
Dark eyes,
Ash filled hair,
a past as dark as the sky.
Scars like freckles cover my skin.
A new batch every time you cry.

- Why do you bleed?

The red rivers in my veins cry for the light.
Their savior a razor.
A rain of ruby diamonds stain the white floor.
A world filled with darkness rushes into me
through these open wounds
and I have no fight left within me.

- Then why do you live?

I’m barely alive.

- Your heart beats, does it not?

Only for you. Every beat for you. You don’t
deserve someone like me.

- That does not change that I want someone like you.

Write this pain away, will you?
Please just write my pain away.
I am hurting and I fear my heart might break.
Write it away and let go of me.
I can’t handle breaking someone like you again.
I fear I may
Fade
Away.

- Please, just love me again.

I will always love you.
People like you are
impossible to forget.

- People like me?

Yes.

- Like what?

People with the sun in their eyes.
People with a hope.
A hope that the world will be okay.
Someone who cries but can still look
like the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.
A person with a halo glistening in the sun
as it makes you the only one
I can see.
Someone who can make my eyes dance
around you even though you have
an oversized sweater on.
Someone who makes the world seem brighter
whether you smile because of me or someone new.
You made my world
brighter by a touch.
You’re impossible to forget.

- You see me through God’s eyes.

I see you through my own eyes.
You were created by Aphrodite herself.

- You lie to yourself.

It is the other way around.

- Your eyes do not see the world properly.

They cannot see you any other way than
beautiful.
You are a blazing color
in a monochrome world.

- Why do you love me?

A million reasons I could never list.

- Why must you say goodbye?

Your skin is covered in ash
from every touch of my fingers.
Your eyes dim every moment you live.
I cannot ruin the spark within you.
I cannot smother it with the darkness within me.

- Is this a goodbye?

I’m afraid so.

- My heart will ache.

Mine will ache with you.
My heart
only ever beat
for you.
Jude Dill Jan 2019
The therapist tells my mother that my scars will heal.
She did nothing wrong.
My brain is the problem.
Chemicals unbalanced.
Slashes on my wrist will fade.
The depression may not.

The therapist tells my mother I respond well to music.
I make beautiful melodies on a bloodstained guitar.
I keep beat with rattles of prescription candies.
Clink.
Clink.
Clink.
Clink.
One measure.
One dose.
Knock back the glass like it’s filled with throat burning *****.

— The End —