i like to think that someone saved me
i keep thinking that someone's there to tell me that I, being the strong girl that I am, can do this
my mouth have longed hope to utter these fragmented feelings to someone, anyone:
thank you for being there for me;
thanks for not giving up on me;
and thank you, thank you for staying with me, even if I gave you all the reason to just walk away from me

all parts of me keep dreaming
and like everyone who can't outlive reality and only reach things through dreaming
i don't want to wake up

i don't want to go back to that time
when I was too tired of waiting to be asked, 'how are you', that I just outright tell people how I'm feeling
and they only offer silence, thinking that for someone as resilient like me, it would suffice
after all, strongs can take on anything that come their way
even the overused I-don't-know-what-to-say silence

what do you do when
they still refuse to accept that strong people
no matter how strong they think they are
bend at times
they do refuse to break
but that doesn't mean that life's *****
doesn't make a dent on their soul
and i, thinking that i've given up on a lot of things before, refuse to give up convincing them that i needed help
i want them to help me
that when i say, 'i am strong'
i don't really feel like it
i just said that because no one else seemed inclined to say the very words to me
and i, in contrast, seemed to feel the need to hear them
an assurance that
i am not the only one who keeps thinking that way


even my lungs seem to think
that i don't need oxygen
to live |and to die|
it uses the overabundance of unspoken words to fuel the fading lights inside me

what do you do when only you thinks that you can't do it all by yourself?

when the knife is being twisted oh so slowly deep in my gut
i am imagine myself fighting back
in my mind's eye
i am twisting the same words to hurt you more than you're hurting me
'ugly.ambitious.selfish.thick-faced.stupid.reckless.ungrateful­.'

with the hilt of my words
you will wail
and beg
for me to stop
to please just stop it

and i wouldn't listen
because you didn't even
offer me a chance to breathe
from all the suffering

i will return the favor
and even after all of what you've done to me
i will still hesitate to give you the final stab
because that is what revenge does
it makes you pause and rethink
but only for a little while
afterwards, you will pick the weapon again
and give the final blow

i killed you right after it all

while you left me here—rotting to death

i still have mercy

she is sorry
for being so angry
sometimes
for being so intense
most times
for feeling too much
all the time
even with the most trivial of things
for always being ready to strike back
at the first sign of ache
and for always being on-the-move
so quick to pack her things
at the first sign of argument
for her soul is peppered with thorns
the sharp points turned inwards instead of out
and she can't help but yelp
even with the slightest of touch

her skin is still intact
but she is sure

yes she can feel it

there is a rupture within her

—and they just see them as bruises, nothing more

Just tell me
if heaven closed its doors
when no one on earth
has seen you cry

Just tell me
if you can't get back home
when the fields you ran into
have never been a refuge in a storm

Just tell me
if everything you see now is dire and bleak,
and you felt your loneliest
when you entered the amusement parks alone

Just tell me
if even the world's greatest jokes
Can no longer penetrate
the humor that you think you've lost
but I know it's still there

Just tell me
if sugar doesn't taste sweet to you anymore
and instead,
you find your enemies' laughter a good meal
everyday
and for every day

Tell me,
just tell me if you're used to all of this
and even if you don't
I know it all

For when the heavens poured down rain,
the droplets that touched my skin
told me you're not okay
I knocked into your door
and I heard those fights —
telling me that this isn't your home
I walked my way to your favorite amusement park,
took your favorite ride
and later on, I've seen a post online
telling me about that newest amusement park to try
I wanted to text you right away about it,
and I just don't know why all of a sudden
I anticipated for the next jokes you're about to crack

And even if sugar loses its sweetness
your smiles won't ever lose theirs —
that even if I haven't seen them for quite a while now
I know that they will always find their way back,
the way you used to light this world
with your own little steps
that formed a pathway
of hope and colors of the Promise

I know you'll always find your way back to that Promise
and if you could just tell me,
Tell me —
but even if you don't,
I know it all
for you are my friend,
you are a friend.

Just tell me,
and I will listen.

b.d.s.
09-09-17
:)

Ears straining to hear
Skin trying to feel
My eyes can see
The olden times, the antiquity.

Recognizing--your voice, features, habits
Feeling the longing and relief. Familiarity.
We're two energies joining
And with our forces fusing . . . again.

Carry the burden beneath my body
Throw the aches into the sea
Cry for the pieces forever gone
You won't be excepted from the pain.

Do not let the tears fall
Do not try to turn your back
Blood and sweat and wounds
Are all meant to scar your soul.

Never try to escape
For entrances and exits do not
Have any difference at all
Howl from pain, that's all you can do.

Do you not understand?
You are created to be destroyed
And given life to taste death
Always . . . always remember to to unbound the chains.

why can't I
just
simply get back
on
track, move on
and
continue facing the
battles
ahead? battles everyday
from
the moment i
lift
my limbs and
open
my eyes, only
to
see that the
world
i've
created for so
long
is
crumbling slowly and
painfully
in front of
me
and i can't
do
anything to mend
it?
when did i
ever
start to feel
this way?

there
are
days
when
I
can
see
the
light
shining
again

when the worst
of the worst
finally end, or
so I thought.
that's the time
when I will decide
to give life
another shot maybe
it's not always
that bad, right?
i will leisurely
set my feet
on the ground,
feel it steady
beneath my soles
i will think
that yes, i
can do this
just like before
when I bend
my legs and
start walking again,
i am silently
waiting for the
slight tremor where
even the breeze
makes my heart
pound so hard
before, i think
that i can
do this but
being here, my
mind screams that
no, i will
be forever stuck
where i am,
and I am
so **** scared
because that is
okay with me
being stuck i
can't help but
just accept this
cruel fate because
this is my fault
or it's not
really a fault
because i know
that i chose
this

this isn't
wrong it just
so happens that
doom and freedom
means differently for
different people and
i am one
of the few
who happen to
interchange the meaning
of the two.