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Hitherwine Apr 2021
Ignorant to my ignorance
Tell me I'm worth it, God
Give me the faith to rise and help me diversify
To take a step forward, immersed in my belligerence, amplified
The feelings and words collide
Intensified by living a life deprived
I'd rather be burned alive
Than go back to thinkin' I'm insignificant
Every impotent moment debated can trigger it
God is my witness definitive
Holding my head up, there isn't an innocent bone in my body
But that's what gives me the energy lacked
To renovate, have to innovate, past intimidates
Can't remain afraid
Hitherwine Apr 2021
a chained dog
studded, spiked collar
straining against its neck

spinning blades
curved and glinting
****** for blood

a pressing stone roof
collapsing slowly
coming down

sharks circling the perimeter
teeth ready for ripping
salt water swallowing leaking eyes

a knitted doll
straw hair
and a cotton dress
her limp legs crossed
face in her hands
silent sobs
meet the mind’s ear
How easy I was. Like a limpet I attached myself to anything, anyone who showed me the least attention.
Hitherwine May 2021
the only thing
to be
a woman
is to
as one.

- period, end of story-
Hitherwine Apr 2021
Tomorrow is his birthday,
April 29th, 1968
Something that I shall never forget.
I don’t know how to feel.
Should I cry?
Or should I stay silent
Let the disappointment
Wash over me
That he is still alive?
Maybe that makes me a monster
But if I had a choice
I would want him dead for what he did to me.
Maybe I should be the one to die. Give up the fight...
Hitherwine Apr 2021
If I think about my past too long, my mind unravels.
Hitherwine May 2021
I'm so
Pitiful at times, miserable inside
They want me to hide
How can I survive?
Change your state of mind
I should say goodbye
They want me to beg, they want me to plead, they want me to die
They just want me dead, they just want me hurt
Don't want me to live, don't want me alive
Stop with the pretending, I don't feel respected
I just feel rejected, I don't like rejection
You promise protection, I don't feel protected
I just feel neglected, how can I respect it?
I'll teach them a lesson, I pick up the weapon
Aim in your direction, shoot at my reflection
Shatter my perception, hate it when I'm desperate
You just want perfection, I want you to just
Let me go
State of mind...
Hitherwine Apr 2021
Loving you is a losing game.
Hitherwine Apr 2021
The taste of shame smells like stubborn ***** in your hair
Lingering no matter how many times you wash it
Sometimes you have to shave yourself bald and start again
Like a newly hatched chick leaving the faint rot of broken magic
in shattered pieces behind you
Hitherwine Apr 2021
I flip through photo albums
and see my likeness in someone
I can't manage to recognize anymore,
even when I squint
Why did you do this to me?
Hitherwine May 2021
repeat after me:
you owe
no one
your forgiveness.

- except maybe yourself-
Hitherwine Apr 2021
i wanted to jump
from my bones
and disperse
in the wind
like dandelion
seed heads.
to be free
and light as air.

can still feel his breath
on the back of my neck
humid, unwanted, as

The look in his starving eyes
glazed over
with feral lust,
fingers gripping
My hips
leaving bruises
shaped like his desire.

Now, when I walk past that office,
just off the corner
In the DLZ
where he took me
piece by piece,

I can feel the hastiness
in his fingers
as he tears my *******
in his eagerness
to satisfy himself.

I should have
said something,
but I didn’t
and now
we are here.
Hitherwine Apr 2021
I admit I throw a fit when I begin to unravel
Keep my wits, been off the grid but now I'm back in the saddle
My intent is not to rent, I like to own what I value
I could sit here on the fence or maybe pick up the paddle
I like to row against the current, that's the way that I travel
Opposite of what the grain does, got the brain of a rebel
Take initiative, I'm diligent on every level
I never could settle, I like to keep my foot on the pedal
Failing's how you grow and learn your lessons, kids
Take the worst and try to make the best of it
Because when you fail, just know that it's a test and if
You can learn to pick yourself back up again
And train your brain to not be such a pessimist
It's okay to make mistakes, just don't forget that
There's a high road but I skip the exit when I'm lost
Hitherwine Apr 2021
Wow, these burdens are heavy
And I'm hoping it doesn’t bury me
I used to be joyful and skip so merrily
But now I'm too cautious and tip toe carefully
My mind left and it's nowhere to be found
Am I a big old parody?
Because it's no fair to me
And now I'm at the point where I'm spending a grand a week on hypnotherapy...
Hitherwine Apr 2021
Lately I've been sick of living and
Nobody knows how I'm really feeling
I always hated a smile,
but this keyboard is killing me, hidden inside
I didn't sign up to be the hero
but I don't want to wind up a villain
I told my mom I loved her
then attempted to **** myself in the kitchen
Yeah, I should've screamed, but nobody listened
So I passed out with the blood dripping
I wish I wasn’t in this prison
Me and death keep tongue-kissing
Why don't you throw me in the flames?
Hitherwine May 2021
If the only tool you have is a hammer,
You’ll tend to see every problem as a nail.
Do you think that’s true??
Hitherwine Apr 2021
Teenage angst
On the point of a knife biting flesh
Or ingesting rainbow confetti
Head tipped back
Mouth swallowing the sun

Under the dangling blade
Glinting and flashing sunlight
As it rotates
Deadly orbit above orbits
Rolling equine whites

A bead of crimson
Blossoms on growing skin

The gorge rising
Up the wet pink tunnel
Dragging claws and gouging as it surges
To spew out lumpy bone boulders
Though the picket fence smile
To cascade over the cliff of a chin

Wipe it clean with sandpaper
Scrape it back to bleed
Mop it with her hair
Catch chunks of carrot in the curls
Shake them out like shrapnel

Then count the corpses
Hitherwine May 2021
if you
don't want to
end up in
someone else's
then maybe
you should

- an unapologetic poet -
Hitherwine Apr 2021
Typical story of the king who had it all
Except for citizens who didn't want his head up on a wall
It's the typical story of the wife who couldn't quit
Being in love with such a giant *******
It's the story of the queen who could never ever think
Of any redeeming qualities a man could ever bring
This is so dumb 😳😑
Hitherwine Apr 2021
Faces disappear
So did my pain
Sweet black waters
Dragging me under
To their murky caves.

hands reaching across
nights where the dark
crawl on all fours
climbing torsos like a toddler

lips made for smiling
purses of pastry
pushed together like mountain ranges
the sun yet to scale their heights

nut brown eyes with layers
watery film worn in a mask
light hidden underwater
fingers interlace until knuckles whiten
Hitherwine Apr 2021
What is purgatory but to meet no place
That calls you beloved
To find no earth
With arms that embrace you to swim
Only in rushing waters
So you never rest beneath the sun
Where do you go when each floor of the house you built is on fire
And the cold hearted circle you
Bullets loaded in their mouths demanding that you go
Back to where you came from
It’s true.
We were never welcome here
Those of us that are instead walking toward
A justice that cannot be erased
One that cannot be sold back to us
Hitherwine Apr 2021
Break the ******' mirror 'cause I hate the image
Every single tear I cry is wasted liquid
guess staying in the room was a bad decision
Where are you going?
I'm feelin' alone and the world is so cold
It's hard to focus
Maybe I should ******' end it now
Hitherwine Apr 2021
He doesn't burn photographs
He doesn't join therapy sessions
He doesn't smoke too many cigarettes
Nor he drown himself into alcohol
He scratches his wounds daily
And never let them heal
He doesn't try to get rid of the pain
Instead he let it grow on him
He watered the seed of sorrow with his tears
He fed it with the manure of old memories
He took it to sleep with him
And nurtured it in himself
Till the moment when every single drop of his blood gets replaced by this pain
Until his fragile heart can bear no more
And his soul starts overflowing with emotions
That's when he dips his pen into this pain
And empty his heart on a piece of paper
He bares his soul for us to feel
He creates poetry that the world would cherish for centuries to come
Hitherwine Apr 2021
I think about how love
was always the thing that did that -
smashed into you, left you raw.
The deeper you loved, the deeper it hurt.
Hitherwine May 2021
I went  through
one of the hardest and worst situations in my life
without anyone by my side
So don’t you dare tell me
I can’t do anything on my own.
Do you feel it? The power of words?
Hitherwine May 2021
Love is giving someone the power to destroy you,
While trusting them not to.
Lust is the desire for their body.
Love is the desire for their soul.
You say you love me but how can a horrible disease or a blessing
Be more than an over-used word?
A word used by many, but understood by few.
Hitherwine Apr 2021
Your claws
They sank into flesh
Leaving scars so deep
They will never be healed
A cornfield
Somewhere you wanted to go
To take a part of me
That I would never get back
That room
The intense feeling of worthlessness
Panic attack
going back
Down the tunnel
Why did you do this to me? WHY?
Hitherwine Apr 2021
I feel phantom hands
Touch my skin
I try so hard to remind myself
No one is there
But in an empty room
I fear for my body

— The End —