Last night.
It was as if we were strangers
Passing each other
On the street,
Instead of almost twenty years
Of history.

But it didn’t hurt.
It felt...
Okay.

“They don’t get to decide
Who you are
Based off of whatever fragment
Of you
They see.

“You’re you.
You’re not someone else
Just because someone thinks you are.
That’s a dangerous way of thinking.

“Honey, you cant keep letting people
Tell you what you are.
You don’t stop being you
Because they said you’re something else.
All they see are fragments,
Never the complete you.
So what right does anyone have
To tell you
What you are?

“Stop finding your identity
In other people.”

I never said the words
“I tried to **** myself”
To my sister.

We prefer to use things like
“I went through a hard time.”
And occasionally I’ll flippantly say
“I tried to off myself.”

“Suicide”
Is a word
That I’m afraid to utter
For fear
Of upsetting the balance.

She never asked,
I think she thought
That made it easier for me.
But I was found
On a kitchen floor
Passed out,
Covered in my own
*****.
And she never asked
What happened that night.

It hurts the people who love you
When you try to die.
It hurts them so much they can’t talk about it.

I need to.

I need to be able to say
That I tried to do that to myself.

That I was in so much pain
I started to self destruct.

I need to say it out loud
Because I need someone to care
That I did it.

At the dinner table,
We talk about how everyone’s day was,
And I usually say too much
Or get too intense,
And I don’t realize until I’m hushed.

We talk about scarves,
And discount shampoo,
And boys,
And the kids,
And church.

But I don’t really have friends anymore,
I wish you knew that you were just about it.
I wait for you to get home
With your family dog,
We share the same lonely eagerness.

But I’m extra.
I shouldn’t be here.
It’ll be better when I’m gone.

If we all never talk about it,
I guess it’s like it never really happened.

“I want to be friends again...”

That’s all I wanted.

“...for her sake.”

That’s when I realized
I cared a hell of a lot more
Than he ever did.

As much as I’d tried
To hollow myself out
To make room for you,
The healthy side of me
Always fought back,
Fought to push you
Out again
Like an infection.

I knew what men were made of.
Clunky boots
And booming voices.
I knew that alcohol
And smoke
Ran through their veins.

It was truth to me,
Reality.
I understood
That men’s hands were rough
And unrelenting.
That comic books and video games
Are a tempting guise.
Men were made of anger
And demands.
***, power,
and the confusion of the two

But then I met you.
And you’re made of cigar smoke
And cartoons.
Flannel shirts and midnight laughter.
You’re whiskey neat
Gently touching my face
Simply for the pleasure of being near me.

You’re conviction
And ADD,
Religion and cups of black coffee.
I keep waiting for a break
In your love.
I search for the lie
In your kindness.
But you watch TV with your baby sister,
And look for solutions to my worries.
You laugh when I get hot under the collar
And insist on buying me chocolate,
Because you know I’m too polite to ask.

It’s nothing earth shaking,
It isn’t running to each other in the rain.
Not a dozen roses,
Or diamonds.
But I know now
That men aren’t made
Of scary things in the dark.
I know that you’re you,
And I’m yours.