Aisha Ella: Poems

Broken

Aisha Ella Jan 2015

Broken

I know that it seems like your torture is endless
And that the ache in your heart can never go away
But remember that, in the cruelty of being

B R O K E N

Lies the possibility of being O K

For the few who dont see it the word Ok is in the word Broken.

#havehope

Cripple

Aisha Ella Feb 2015

*******

I am a man with a broken leg;
Its hard to walk
I can never run again.

He is a man with a broken heart;
His soul is gone,
His life is torn apart.

So who is truly crippled?
The man with the broken leg,
Or the man with a broken heart?

Love is a dangerous thing. The person who seems perfect could be dying inside, we never really know who is truly broken.

#love #heartbreak #crippled

Earth

Aisha Ella Jan 2015

Earth

I am Mother Earth
Giver of unconditional love
Receiver of unfathomable destruction

Sorry for 12 words, didnt know how to cut it down.

#elementchallenge

Failing and Falling

Aisha Ella Jun 2023

Failing and Falling

Failing is like falling.
Like falling right off the edge of a cliff.
And there's nothing to hold on to
And there no harness or ropes.
You're too far away to maybe land on a ledge.

I guess I'm constantly falling.
My stomach tight,
Body tensing up
As gravity pulls me to the inevitable.

Failing is worse than falling actually.
Because at least if I fall,
I can see the ground coming.
And then I hit it.
And then its over.

With failing, there is no telling
Just how far down you'll end up,
Or how much damage you'll take
When you eventually hit the floor.
Or worse...
What if you never hit the floor?

Maybe thats me.
Doomed to this never ending cycle.
Always failing.
Always falling.

He Loves Me

Aisha Ella Apr 2017

He Loves Me

Deep breaths okay?
D E E P B R E A T H S.
Turns on sink tap
Its okay, I'll just rinse it off
Then I can really see how much damage is underneath.
Holds head
Its fine, its fine, I'll take the pain killers later.
After...I'm clean again, yeah, after.
Looks at arms
Oh thank gosh! None on the arms,
I don't have to wear the long sleeves again
Starts to sway
Why am I swaying?
I've taken worse before, just a few more minutes
I can do this, deep breaths, okay?
I've got this.
Washes face and murmurs
I should leave, I really should
I don't deserve this, I can do better, I can...
Lips tremble
But maybe I can't, maybe he's right, maybe nobody can love me.
What if nobody will love me?
Stares into mirror
No, no, I won't leave, not yet.
Said it was the last time, but thats what he said the first time,
And I...
Continues washing face
No I'll stay, its okay, just a little bruising
Nothing I can't cover up.
I can do this, I can do this...
Its okay,
He Loves Me.

I've been thinking a lot on abuse in relationships and so I feel like making this a series, will explore different types and aspects of it.

Her.

Aisha Ella Dec 2022

Her.

Bury me with her.
So that when flesh falls off our bodies
and only smooth bone remains,
I will be whole again.

His "I Love You"

Aisha Ella Nov 2017

His "I Love You"

His "I love you" came swiftly.
Like the monsoon pouring down on a leaky roof
Those three words broke through my defences.
At first they were an ambrosia;
They sustained my life and our relationship.
At least for a short time.

Then "I love you" became an excuse;
For absences, and purpose-filled accidents.
And I ignored the warning signs, the flashing lights.
I pretended like "I love you" was enough...

...But it wasn't.
His "I love you"s were like band-aids on bullet wounds;
Like using play dough to fix cracks in concrete walls.
But I rationed our good memories,
I held on as tight as I could to our love
And watched as it slipped through my fingers.

His "I love you"s became poison,
That seeped deep into my bones,
And turned blue skies grey,
And turned light into darkness,
And slowly killed whatever semblance of love
I fooled myself into thinking we had left.

I am 17 and nothing is different.

Aisha Ella Jun 2023

I am 17 and nothing is different.

I am 16 and I am excited.
My birthday is coming up soon,
I will be 17 and everything
Will finally be different.

I will almost be an adult.
And my voice will be heard (I think).
I am on the cusp of it,
At the brink of defining my lifetime
(I am picking universities),
Things will be different.

I am 17 and I have makeup on.
(It isn’t great, but my eyelids sparkle)
And I'm wearing a pretty dress.
(A little too big but it sits fine)
My friends say I'm beautiful
And for the first time I believe it.
Things are already different.

I am 17 and I come home.
I am buzzed from dinner,
(They let me have a single glass of wine)
I am high on life,
I feel like I’m infinite, like I’m not so small,
At least not anymore.

Then she sees my dress
And she is disappointed.
She says I look like a “painted *****”,
Not pretty, not more,
Not magical, not different.
And suddenly I don't feel 17.
I mean I am 17, but I don't feel it.

I am 17 and things have changed,
I have changed.
But nothing is different.

"It was a mistake"

Aisha Ella Jul 2018

"It was a mistake"

I want to stay.

I want to hold you and forget it all.
It would be easier to live in the Before.
When my universe comprised of Us,
And your eyes were the only stars I knew.
When your love was my gravity,
And your arms felt like home.

But I can't because your scent is different.
It's infused with one far too sweet to be mine.
And the eyes that once held my soul,
Hold flecks of someone else's.
Your lips have a new flavour,
One that I can't seem to kiss away.
And the palms that learnt my form
Have someone else's pathways ingrained in their memory.

I want to stay.

But I'd rather die than kiss you,
And wonder if it's her face you see behind closed lids.
If its her that you dream of.
If she is the sun that you orbit around now,
While I lay in the corner;
My love just another dying star in your sky.

I want to stay.

But I won't.
Because though leaving may break me again,
I know that staying will **** me.

I wish I was brave

Aisha Ella Dec 2022

I wish I was brave

I wish I was brave
I wish that the fear that lives in my bones
Wasn't so comfortable, didn't feel so safe.
I wish my dreams could become flesh
All of their own accord,
Instead of me having to breathe life into them.
I wish I didn't think so little of myself,
That I saw what others see.
So that I could believe enough,
Enough to make them come true.
I wish I was more.
I wish I'd want less.
I wish I was brave.

"lets get back together again"

Aisha Ella Jun 2022

"lets get back together again"

You have ripped me apart
In the most beautiful way,
So much so that I relish it.
I revel in the process of picking up my pieces.

Knowing that when I am somewhat whole again,
You will strike light lightning.
And burn through the fabric of who I am,
And shatter the mosaic I have made my life.
And when the flames clear
And the ashes cool, I will be alone.
To gather whatever bits of me survive you this time.

I like to pretend.
That I can fix myself enough
Again and again.
So you could break me,
For all eternity.

But deep down we both know,
That one day the flames will clear,
And the ashes will cool,
And there will be nothing left to pick up.

Little Brown Eyed Girl

Aisha Ella Aug 2017

Little Brown Eyed Girl

Little brown eyed girl,
With brown short ***** curls
And dark skin that you
Have not learned how to love yet.

I speak to you.

Little brown eyed girl;
Already jaded
By a world that from birth,
Has declared you unlovable
Just because you look like you.

I tell you, that is a lie.

Little brown eyed girl
With strength in your bones
And love in your heart
So much so that the little boys
All run away.

I say that any man who cannot love you as you are does not deserve you.

Do not be ashamed;
Of your dark skin,
Of your brown eyes,
Of your short ***** mud-coloured hair,
Of your thick thighs,
Of your stretch marks and scars.
Little Brown Eyed Girl
You are perfect, just as you are.

maybe

Aisha Ella Dec 2022

maybe

maybe in another life,
maybe with another name.

maybe in a different world
with different rules.

maybe with a kinder past
a safer present,
and a brighter future.

maybe in a corner of my heart,
tucked so far down in my soul
that I'll be able to pretend
to forget that it is there.

maybe then I can love you,
as I wish to.

Metaphor for a Toxic Relationship

Aisha Ella Jun 2018

Metaphor for a Toxic Relationship

"Swim!" I tell him,
As I drag him down, even further
Into this ocean of addiction.

"Swim, come on you can do this!" he cheers on,
While he slowly pulls me under
And drowns me.

Moving On

Aisha Ella Feb 2015

Moving On

The most painful part
Of moving on,
Is not the act itself;
But watching The One
Fall in love with Someone Else.

#movingon

My Apology

Aisha Ella Jan 2015

My Apology

This is my apology.

For every time they said you were worthless
And my silence made it seem like I agreed.
For every time I was heartless
When you were a friend in need.

For all the moments you were breathless
From running away from your fears,
And I stood beside you pretending
That I couldn't see your tears.

This is my apology;
For never showing that I cared

The words I wish I could hear from some, the same words I wish I could say to others

#apology #forgiveme

My Ode to Joy

Aisha Ella Jul 2015

My Ode to Joy

We travel back in time
To where it all began.

At first glance a diamond in the rough.
Covered with the muck and dirt
Of her youth service.
What drew me in was the light in her eyes
And her beautiful smile,
Though it contrasted greatly with her alabaster skin.

Upon getting to know her
I realised that this was no ordinary diamond
But my own beautiful jewel
Carved specifically for me by
The Master himself.

After winning the war for her heart
I gained the greatest gift a man could ever receive
More than a wife, more than a mother
But a help mate, my other half.

Now we return to present day
After a journey of 17 years
2 children along the way

Her hair greyer,
More wrinkles on her face
Yet an ethereal beauty
That can never fade

Regardless of situation
For better or for worse
Whether we languish in luxury
Or face lack of wealth
I know that i'll cherish you
Through sickness and in health

Until The Lord calls us home
You will always have my heart with you
Wherever you choose to roam
Know this, that I love you.

My fathers poem to my mother, on their anniversary, my mother's name is Joy by the way

#love #marriage #parents #anniversary

My World In A (not so small) Box

Aisha Ella Feb 2017

My World In A (not so small) Box

I would put three sets of leaves;
a bud, one green and one brown.
To show our world has seasons
That perpetually go around.

I would put in an expensive watch
To show that time is precious,
And so that when it stops working
They'll know that time is not endless.

I would put in the Sacred Texts,
To show that man has a Spirit
But I would add in a strict warning
That they should not abuse it.

I would put in a massive blanket,
Made from fabrics across countries in Africa
To show that diversity is the spice of life
And our world is beautiful because it has colour.

I would put in some earth wrapped in gold
And water in a bottle of pure silver.
To show that the true treasures of our planet
Are the grasslands and the valleys, the deserts, the rivers.

I would put in the West African Drum
To show that inside every person,
Lies an ever beating heart
That dances to life's rhythm.

My Response to this question.
5. If all of the world´s cultural heritage (sports, music, fashion, architecture, literature, painting, etc.) were to be enclosed in a time capsule, what would you include?

one night (standing)

Aisha Ella Jul 20

one night (standing)

It is done
And we lay in each other's arms.
Catching breaths, sighing deeply.
He will kiss a path up my spine,
Lay one more on my shoulder and hold me.

And for a moment we are more.

Then he comes back to himself,
Remembers who he is, who I am,
And what we are not.

We will do that awkward dance,
A laugh, a silence that lasts a beat too long.
Depending on how the night started,
I will either roll over to my temporary side of the bed
Or slip on denim and wish him a good night.

On the way home I will think
Of who he is, who I am
And all that we are not.

pieces

Aisha Ella Aug 2018

pieces

I gave too much of my heart to you.
So now that you've broken it,
What am I supposed to feel with?

How do I put myself back together,
When you left me no pieces to pick up?

Please Don't Touch My Hair

Aisha Ella Nov 2016

Please Don't Touch My Hair

Please Don't Touch My Hair.

It's amazing,
It's beautiful,
Maybe its the first time you'll see;
Hair so dark and 'puffy'
As the hair God gave to me.

But my hair is not a commodity;
A thing for you to gather round and see.
It is not something I pull out once a while
Just so you can take a peek.

Please Don't Touch My Hair.

Don't run your hands through it,
Don't ask me why it act's like that,
Don't ask me if you can pull it,
Don't pet me like I'm your cat.
Don't touch it without asking,
And worst of all ask and not wait,
Are your manners really that lacking?

Please Don't Touch My Hair.

Don't stare like I am some exhibit
Brought for you from far away,
Don't mock the way it looks on me
Don't say 'I don't like the way it looks today'.

It's My hair
On MY head,
So don't you even dare.
You're not the one that spends hours
Looking after my luscious hair.

Please Don't Touch My Hair.

Because many years ago
My ancestors were put in zoos
So people like you could know
How our hair felt, and our skin looked
Instead of just seeing old photos.
As if we were not human beings
With minds, and hearts and souls.

So my hair is not on display
For your viewing pleasure,
My hair is on my head for ME
And it has worth that you can never measure.

It represents Who I Am
My Tribe, My Land, My Culture.
So don't hover around with oily hands
Like a flock of curious vultures.

So for the love of all that I know
Please DO NOT TOUCH MY HAIR.
And don't ask me why you can't,
Don't say it isn't fair.
Because would I walk up to a stranger
And ask, only to receive a no
Then go on and touch it anyway?
...I didn't think so.

Please Don't Touch My Hair.

This is the last time I'll say it,
I cannot be silent any longer
I will not tolerate it.
I've given it all I can
I have been very patient
But I will not let this continue
This I will not permit.
If you say you are my friend
You will respect this
Its My Hair, on My Head
And that's all there is to it.

Please respect people's different cultures and backgrounds; do not touch anyones hair without asking - its uncomfortable and honestly it makes me feel like I'm a zoo animal.

(right now) love is

Aisha Ella Jul 2023

(right now) love is

Love hunts.

You will sit, unsuspecting pretty prey,
Feeling a steel gaze upon you.
Lurking in the shadows always watching.
Waiting for a chance to swoop in
And then you are caught.

But you enjoy capture.

Love sinks it’s teeth deep,
Takes purchase in warm, beating flesh
And though you are bleeding out
You will weep, when they try and un-pry
It’s fangs from you.

Love is killing me softly,
But I will allow it to.
It drinks from the well of my life
And leaves me painfully thirsty.
But I will never stop it, not till it’s satisfied.

I am no soldier, waiting for my blaze of glory,
No coward, hiding from the fight.
But love?
Love will take me without struggle,
And truly, what a way to go.

Show it to your mother

Aisha Ella Jun 2023

Show it to your mother

I can't.
Its complicated.

She knows too much already,
She's watched every error,
Every fall.

My victories pale in comparison,
To the ever growing list of failures
She has lived through.

I am afraid to give her this.
This flesh of mine,
This soft underbelly I've kept hidden.

What if she's proud of me?
What if she's not?

What if she just sighs
And my whole world shatters?
What if she laughs and I am
Reduced to nothingness?
Worst of all, what if she doesn't care?

What if the softest parts of me don't matter?
What if she just pushes it aside,
And I am ten again
Wondering how hard I'll have to work
To be worthy of someone so glorious?

I am covered in scars from her dissatisfaction,
This is all thats left unmarked.
So I cant show this to my mother.
I just cant.

Sometimes I want to feel pretty

Aisha Ella Jun 2022

Sometimes I want to feel pretty

Sometimes I want to feel pretty.
To have frothy fabric slide over my hips,
To feel the catch in my breath
As lace and silk hold my waist tightly.
To walk, no...to glide along with grace.
To have the breeze tickle my bare thighs
And kiss the tops of my *******.

And for a moment I am.
Pretty, I mean.
The confidence makes me giddy
My smile is bright as I look ahead.
I do not shy away from the world's eyes,
Instead I lean into its gaze.

But sometimes I don't want to be pretty.
Sometimes when I walk down the street
I fight the urge to rip my ******* from me,
And throw them at the starving pack of wolves
That whistle as I walk by.

Sometimes I want to cloak my form.
To hide in shadow and fabric.
To keep my eyes on the ground
As fear, not lace, steals my ability to breathe.

Sometimes ugly is a shield that I wear,
That keeps me safe, not from harm
But from blame.
Ugly means it wasn't my fault,
Ugly means I didn't ask for it,
Ugly means they might not pick me to...

And even then, despite the risk
Sometimes, I want to feel pretty.
Maybe not be pretty.
But feel pretty.

Teasing Words...

Aisha Ella Jun 2017

Teasing Words...

Teasing words that nipped at my skin
And left scars far bigger than expected,
Were the only form of affection that I knew.
So I'm sorry for all the scars I left on your skin
When I tried to show that I loved you.

The Box

Aisha Ella Dec 2022

The Box

The box that you built for me
Is far too narrow.
How will I fit my soul
Into this little thing?
...
Ah I see.
I must cut it all away.
And force what is left,
Raw and bleeding,
Into those four walls.
...
I fit in the box now,
A little too well I think.
There's so much more room
Now that all I am, is gone.

The Cup of Patience

Aisha Ella Jun 2023

The Cup of Patience

It is a slight sip at first.
Wetting the tongue and
Soothing the throat.

But soon you are taking big gulps,
Forcing yourself to choke down the frustration
That tries to push its way past your throat.

Now you are drowning
In an ocean of your virtue.
Stomach bloated from
All your long-suffering.

"Have you had your fill yet?"
They'll ask you.
"No, no, there's always room for more."

I'm older now,
And the drink is far too bitter.
It tastes of pain and anger and sadness.
I don't think I could manage a single sip.

The Elite

Aisha Ella Jun 2022

The Elite

So we sit in our wooden towers
Watching the world burn.
Pretending as though our indifference
Did not fan the very flames
That will eventually come
And turn us to cinders.

The Greatest...

Aisha Ella Sep 2016

The Greatest...

The greatest truth I ever told you,
Was
'I Love You'.
The greatest lie you ever told me,
Was
'I Love You Too'.

There is life in the blood

Aisha Ella Jan 2015

There is life in the blood

There is life in the blood.
And so the reason why we cut,
Is so all the bad and sad bits of life
Can just flow out of us.

The point of this is not to encourage self-harm but to sort of 'explain' one perspective as to why people do it. Please do not self - harm, instead seek out some form of counselling; and if you know anyone who is currently struggling please feel free to call the following hotlines:

Self-Harm Hotline Numbers for the following countries:

800 5555 5522 Argentina, Austria, Belgium, China, Colombia,
Finland, Germany, Hong Kong, Hungary, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Japan,
Luxembourg, Malaysia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Philippines,
Portugal, Singapore, South Africa, South Korea, Spain, Sweden, Taiwan, Thailand

1800 799 338 Australia

0800 891 7391 Brazil

866 246 9224 Canada

00 800 5555 5522 Costa Rica, Denmark

000 800 1006 614 India

001 800 514 3716 Mexico

810 800 2643 1012 Russia

800 5555 5522 (143) Switzerland

08457 90 90 90 United Kingdom

The Subliminal Message

Aisha Ella May 2015

The Subliminal Message

Hey what's up?
Can't believe I'm talking to you
How've you been? We haven't spoken in a while
Gosh, I miss you
How've you been?
Did you miss me?
How am I?
You mean since you broke me?
Oh,
Yeah I'm okay I guess
Actually no I'm not.
I don't think I ever will be

#love #heart #pain #breakups

The way living things love

Aisha Ella Jun 2023

The way living things love

There is something about the way living things love.

How a tree can be cut down a thousand times
Yet as long as the roots remain,
It will find a way to reach for the sun.

I wonder if that is what I am to you,
A tree you will cut down a thousand times.
But my roots go far too deep to ever die out.

I wish you weren't so radiant.
I wish my branches would stop growing,
Would stop desperately reaching for you.

There is something about the way living things love.
I'm still deciding whether I like it or not.

The weight of love

Aisha Ella Jul 20

The weight of love

The weight of her head on my chest,
As we lounge in a state of half-sleep.
Humming our favourite song.

The weight of his arms on my shoulders
While we stroll through busy streets.
Looking for the next bar.

The weight of their laughter,
Laughter that I caused,
Ringing through a full, warm house.

The weight of a child in your hands,
A gummy grin and a high-pitched squeal.
"Aunty" or "mummy or "*****", don't drop me"

The weight I carry is not bearable,
It is, in fact, too much.
And while I have tried to flee from it,
What the mind forgets the body remembers.

So here I lay missing this;
The weight of her head on my chest,
Of his arms on my shoulders,
Of their laugh ringing in my mind,
Of little hands gripping my fingers.

I beg to carry that weight for a moment longer.
The weight of love.
This unbearably beautiful weight.
For a moment more.

Ungrateful

Aisha Ella Jul 20

Ungrateful

I cannot judge a man who sold bread
On streets as a child so his mother could eat.
For struggling with anger, with money,
With me.

It is his first time being a father,
It is his first time loving something so small
I scream at myself, I say it over and over.
It does not make it hurt less.

He is learning, he is changing,
But I am a collection of his trials and errors.
He cannot bear to be reminded of his mistakes.
And so he cannot know who I am.

I am just a silly lucky girl.
I have no worries.
I am hurt, I am understanding,
I am tired, yet I sacrifice,
I do not ask, yet I ask for too much.
I am his first daughter.
I am still, somehow, ungrateful.

I am sorry that I need you Father,
I am sorry that I am.
I am sorry.

untitled 2

Aisha Ella Dec 2022

untitled 2

You may try to **** me if you wish.
But as long as you breathe,
My love will remain and then,
I will never truly die.

untitled 3

Aisha Ella Dec 2022

untitled 3

If a thousand sing of your beauty,
Know that I am the loudest voice.
If a hundred praise your strength,
I will be counted amongst them.
If only ten speak of your heart
Then I pray that I am at least the tenth.
And if only one knows your soul
Then call me One even after I am gone.
And if no one can say they love you
Then I have long since turned to dust.

Ironically inspired by a silly quote on twitter about haters

Wall

Aisha Ella Jul 2018

Wall

There lies a wall around my heart,
Made of stone and all the hurtful words you have said.
But behind it sleeps a girl covered in scars,
Too afraid of getting new wounds to let you in again.

We People

Aisha Ella Apr 2015

We People

Her eyes hold the stories of nations,
As old and wrinkled as they are.
They glimmer with the fight of a people,
A people who made it very far.

A people who fought for independence,
A people who bled, sweated and cried.
A people who refused to be redundant,
A people who for, many men and women died.

A people who tasted civilisation,
A people who fell to natures final call.
A people who gained some freedoms,
And kept on until they had gained them all.

A people whose names are set in history,
A people made immortal by the pen.
A people who create our mythology,
All these people thought useless back then.

Her eyes hold the stories of nations,
As old and wrinkled as they are.
They glimmer with the fight of our people
We people who made it very far.

In recognition of all the greats

#people #history #greatness #nations #wearehere

We Were Meant To Be Forever

Aisha Ella Feb 2017

We Were Meant To Be Forever

We were meant to be forever.
Thats what you'd always say,
And though I didn't believe you
I stayed with you anyway.

We were meant to be forever;
And my heart broke into two,
When your heart stopped beating
And our forever died with you.

What to call It

Aisha Ella Dec 2022

What to call It

To call it lust would be too carnal.
It is too meaningless of a word.
Would you tarnish your very home,
The way we tarnish ourselves with desire?

To call it obsession is too base.
As though obsession could drive me
To meet each hair upon your head,
And never tire till I know them all by name.

To call it love would not be enough.
The word cannot bear the weight
of the living thing in me,
That only beats because of you.

If my tongue knew how to shape itself
Around the feeling that consumes me,
Then I would speak words that no man
Has ever heard before or ever will again.

What Would You Do For Me?

Aisha Ella Jul 2018

What Would You Do For Me?

I did everything for you;

You asked me to walk along hot coals;
To press the soft pads of my feet
On the burning surface
Of a path called fear.
And I did it, without flinching.

You asked me for honesty;
And so I stood before you,
Naked as the day I came into this world.
And I let you trace the cracks in my armour.
I showed you all my hiding places.
I let you shine light into the darkest caverns of my mind.

You asked for my blood;
So I split my palms on your sharp edges
And bled a myriad of emotions.
Until you were covered
In the colour of my heart.

You asked me for sacrifice;
So from the womb of my soul I birthed Love.
And I lead her, smiling, to the slaughter.
I watched as you lined your alter
With the essence of my child.

But no light shone from your heaven;
No words of approval poured from your stone lips.
Like the cruel gods of old you took from me;
Then left me naked, bloodless
With scalded feet, split palms
And arms that begged to hold a child that no longer lived.

And then, in the silence, you whispered
...
What Would You Do for Me?

And I replied then as I always do
...
I would do anything for you.

— The End —