Am
I
wrong

to
love
you

Every man
I meet
is nothing
but a shadow
of you

Every laugh
every touch
every word
reminds me
I can’t
I won’t
I don’t
have you

It’s not distance
It’s terror
If you see me
really see me
I’ll destroy
us
before you can

I want you
so much
it hurts
it twists
my chest
my stomach
my head
into fire

You deserve
everything
I can’t give
anything
I can’t
I won’t
I shouldn’t

So I watch
I wait
I rot
I burn
I ache
I bleed
quietly
alone

Even in silence
I burn for you
Even in stillness
I am empty
Even in the ache
I still want you
I still need you
I still love you

And it
kills
me

The knife glints under the dim bulb,
its silver tongue whispering
how easy it would be
to open what aches inside me.

I brace my hand,
press down slowly,
feel the skin split,
hear the soft tear,
watch red bloom
across the board
in trembling pools.

I cut again, and again,
shards falling like thoughts
I can’t keep straight,
my breath coming faster,
the smell rising sharp,
green and raw,
like the earth itself.

I tell myself
this isn’t what it looks like,
though it feels like release.
All this mess,
all this red,
all this trembling,
only
vegetables.