I’m so drunk. And I miss you so much.

But I’d never tell anybody.

I’d never tell you.

I figured out
that I can't drink you away

What the **** do I do now?

It’s been so long,
I forgot it’s warmth.

And then one day you meet someone;
They call when they say they'll call
And they show when they say they'll show

And it'll make you wonder
why you ever spent so much time
staring into the sun,
when someone was looking at you
as if that's what you were.

“When people stop writing, it’s one of two things - they are either really ******* happy or broken beyond repair.”*

You have made me both of these - guess which one I am?

I dont want my temporary happiness hanging from you, tugging at your lips
Felt beneath my hips, as I lie still under your kiss

Cause my happiness is like a vine
That no good ****, clinging on to bricks, splint with twine
Pretty in it's own way but poison when you touch

Pieces of it living in the crevices and cracks
Determined to come back, always to come back, to try just one more time.

I'm afraid my happiness will entangle you,
And dare I fall, will strangle you
Leaving you helpless as I drop

See, this feeling it is temporary,
Sadness blooms inside of me
No matter how many chemicals or pills I pop
Like an axe to the vine, gone with one chop, one feathered tick of the clock

Never meant to grow again, but nonetheless,
will never stop.

How many times
can I shoot myself
with your gun
until I'm completely
dead?

Goodnight, my love
Goodnight, baby
I hope your dreams remember me

*even though you don't

I want someone to tell me,
what color my eyes are when I'm sad,
and why they never want to see them that way.

I do not have words
for the way I feel
when I walk onto my porch at 1 am
and I know you aren't there,
and that you'll never be
again.

So I stand with my face to the wind,
staring out into the woods,
searching for an answer.

I always find it,
in the silence.

I fear that,
like the snow,
I will not
survive.

I feel as if someone has stolen the piece of me that lies between my neck and pelvis
That I have evaporated over time from holding down the acid that comes with speaking your name
I do not remember what it feels like to be touched by a man
or anything capable of showing affection
as I have not been able to feel my own skin in 3 years;

when you numb, it is not just a piece of your heart:
you cannot feel your tongue
your throat
your chest
your stomach
you are no longer responsible for what comes and goes;

when you numb, the problem isn't that you're unable to feel,
the problem is that no one ever tells you
you feel too **** much.

I have so much poetry inside of me it's spilling from my veins. the last that I can recollect, you tied a noose around my neck and said "I wish you the best."

It is not the buzzing and hissing in my ears throughout the day
Nipping at my heels
Spitting at my feet until I've trampled your name

This poem isn't about the boy who didn't want to stay
No, this is about the aftermath
The finding myself
The "where do I go?"
The "what do I do?"
The "we went fishing in that spot" but "made love in that one too"

I wish I had better words
An easier way to say,
"I am fine. I swear I am fine"
But "no, I'm not okay."

I am so tired
of being tangled
in you

someone, please,
slip me a match
burn me away
til I'm through

the sadness
hides in corridors
waiting to settle in

sneaking
like a man off to war
returning hopeless

gives no signal
no sign
no beating of the drum

no knock at the door
it creeps in
knowing you can be won

You used to love
when
I'd write about you

If you could
only
see me now

I'm spending
my Friday night
on a couch
with Julia Child
reading 77 pages
of English Law

And I don't mind at all.
I don't mind at all :)