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14.5k · Dec 2018
I’m still here.
1487 Dec 2018
The poetry isn’t in all these words —
It’s in knowing I survived them.
Holy smokes! Thank you everyone for all of the support! I don’t come here too often so I did not expect this; what a beautiful surprise ♥️
12.5k · Dec 2013
Not good enough to forget
1487 Dec 2013
I'm crazy today.
I'm crazy in a way that nobody compares to him
and I'm wasting my time on these men
because even though he was bad
he was still good
in ways that I loved;
not with how he treated me,
just in who he was.
and it's dumb because these new men are good
but not good enough
to help me forget.
4.0k · May 2014
Infertility
1487 May 2014
Nature did not intend
for me to be a mother

and now on days
like today

there's an emptiness
inside my soul
that only
little hands
could replace
3.7k · Sep 2012
temporary happiness
1487 Sep 2012
I dont want my temporary happiness hanging from you, tugging at your lips
Felt beneath my hips, as I lie still under your kiss

Cause my happiness is like a vine
That no good ****, clinging on to bricks, splint with twine
Pretty in it's own way but poison when you touch

Pieces of it living in the crevices and cracks
Determined to come back, always to come back, to try just one more time.

I'm afraid my happiness will entangle you,
And dare I fall, will strangle you
Leaving you helpless as I drop

See, this feeling it is temporary,
Sadness blooms inside of me
No matter how many chemicals or pills I pop
Like an axe to the vine, gone with one chop, one feathered tick of the clock

Never meant to grow again, but nonetheless,
will never stop.
3.4k · Oct 2014
Overcome
1487 Oct 2014
In the end,
I will win.
You will always be a bad person.
1487 Apr 2014
Why
am I always
the saddest
on the
prettiest days?

I
never thought
beauty
would turn me
into a
beast.
beautiful days make me feel lonely
2.8k · Feb 2014
LDR
1487 Feb 2014
LDR
You could fly right over me
and wouldn’t blink an eye.

You could fly right over me -
but for you, I’d jump and die.
I wrote this a few years ago when I was in a long distance relationship with a not so good person; and I remember looking at the sky watching the planes fly overhead, wishing he was on one.
2.6k · Nov 2014
Thankful
1487 Nov 2014
One night with him
replaced 10 without you
2.5k · Dec 2013
Infidelity ruins self-esteem
1487 Dec 2013
My sisters are an hour fifteen late
And I've been shopping for coats so long
That I'm starting to measure the worth of my weight in their wool
I feel your rejection surround me when the L doesn't fit just right
So I throw it back on the hanger and try not to look at myself in the dressing room light

I sit down on the bench half defeated
I found a grey one I like
Fits me perfect and I look good
Until I turn to the side
But I'll take it cause its classy and nice

I can feel their stares on me as they walk by
So I stop looking at my phone long enough to catch their eye
Let them know their judgement hasn't gone unseen
Cause I can sense what they're thinking
Or maybe call it paranoia

But when your co worker calls you beautiful
And the lady waiting on her paint
Pulls a card out her purse and says, "Beautiful but not healthy. I can help you lose weight"
And you stand there with your mouth gaped
Because this was the icing on top of your **** cake

Cause this week your man cheated on you
But showed no remorse
And a stranger woman saw you
As a product to endorse
And it took fifteen coats
Just to feel alright
After pulling at your fat in the fluorescent light
And the woman picking out the flannel pants
Made you think of last Christmas, placing them in his hands
And the music above your head
Held no holiday cheer
Just another reminder that you're ending this year... alone
And you forget to remember he has a new home
And you spent a split second wondering if he wished he were here
And you know why he doesn't when you look in the mirror

So I pick myself up
With my coat in my arms
Walk behind my sisters having a conversation of their own
I'm mostly invisible but that's the way we've grown
Laugh a few times, lay thick on the charm
Because they don't have time for **** weeks or broken hearts
When somehow holding it together feels a lot like falling apart.
2.3k · Oct 2014
'68 Chevy
1487 Oct 2014
You passed me in a '68 Chevy
Didn't blink twice, didn't even wave
You left my head and heart feeling heavy
*******, I'm a Ford girl anyway.
F you and your Chevy you rode in on.
2.2k · Sep 2012
I sold myself for a beer
1487 Sep 2012
He spoke of misbehaving and his beard on my neck sent chills through my skin 
As I stood there with the wind -
blowing and him whispering concern in my ear 
I told him small town, small places
same night, same faces 
When I really wanted to say take me out of here

 I stared out at the light reflecting on the empty parking lot across the way 
To the road that led to his bed in where I layed

His body weight felt heavy on top of mine as I looked at every picture on the wall aligned 
His tongue pierced down my throat while his chain fell cold there on my skin
And he placed his hands up when I felt uncomfortable again

It could've been the drinks or the ***** that made me feel sick
As his mouth kissed my breast,
my ****** between his lips

It could've been the thought of how many times had this man won 
And how my body wouldn't compare even though I was so young

15 years my senior, wanting what he got
Even though I swore my innocence staring at that parking lot 

I sold myself for 2.50
For a ******* beer
Walking away with no number, no plan
Just a mysterious "good girl" who proved she was a *****
Who forgot to shave her legs that night 
Yet still went through that bar door

Never to hear from me again
And never wanting nothing more
2.1k · Apr 2015
Angst
1487 Apr 2015
I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget
                              I
                        NE­VER
                       FORGET.
2.0k · May 2015
For the chef in me
1487 May 2015
The way to a man's heart
is through his stomach,
so I've heard.

Maybe that's how you've become
so good at cooking -
for all the times
you've tried to make him love you.
1.5k · Mar 2014
Heartless
1487 Mar 2014
You can't fight
for a place
in his heart
if
he
doesn't
have
one
1.4k · Jan 2014
November 29th
1487 Jan 2014
6:20
I can't forget the look of your eyes meeting mine when you walked through the door.

Like I was everything you thought you wanted at a time before.

6:20
I didn't stand from my chair to hug you because my knees were too soft and I feared I might fall to your feet.

6:33
You stood behind me at the jukebox and I could feel the heat of your body on the back of my neck, traveling down my spine.

It was that old familiar warmth I remember laying next to at night.

7:10
I sang along to a song you told me you played.
Not realizing till a month later the hidden meaning behind the words.

"I'll remember you" it rang,
as I sang,
and sang,
and sang.

7:28
Your  eyes didn't search for me like they did before when I would leave your side.

I tried to hide in the dark and watch you in the light but you never noticed I was gone.

7:37
Your hands lay on the steering wheel of my car, with ***** in your blood speeding away with my heart. Entrusting my life to a boy who didn't care if I lived or died.  

He'd already killed me many times.

8:16
You placed your arm around your buddy's girl and joked how you were trying to make him mad.
But instead I sat there comparing my body to the thin girl in the hat.

8:58
You decided it was time to leave so we walked back to my car.

I wish it were cold so I could say it pierced my heart but that was your breath on my lips at the stop sign.

9:30
We drove old dirt roads until we found a spot bare enough to take our clothes off and I remember the placement of my hands on the seat as you sank your teeth deep into me.

Chewed me up.
Spit me out.

You didn't like my taste in your mouth.

10:15
You were tired so you drove back to where we left your car in the parking lot.

You said I acted weird on the drive home.

But you knew.

It was known.
It was known.
It was known.

10:36
I laid in my bed, fully clothed with the fabric remembering your hug that held tightly and lingered just long enough; with words of "I love you" as you kissed my forehead.

Like you never left.


I wish I would have left.
If I could go back to this night and walk out that door when you walked in, I would.
1.4k · Apr 2014
Cake
1487 Apr 2014
Trying not to love you
is like trying not to eat chocolate cake..

You get enough to taste,
but you always want more.
1.4k · Jul 2014
Bullshit
1487 Jul 2014
Whoever said
you get what you give
obviously never
met you.
1.3k · Aug 2014
Had to share this with you
1487 Aug 2014
“How far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?

How often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?

Why do you find the unavailable so alluring?

Where did it begin?
What went wrong?
And who made you feel so worthless?


If they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?

All this time, you were begging for love silently,
thinking they couldn’t hear you,
but they smelt it on you,
you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?


And what about the others that would do anything for you,
why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?

How are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?

Where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?

Where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?”

--Warsan Shire
1.3k · Feb 2014
23 lies my ex told me
1487 Feb 2014
1.  I will never be the reason for you crying.

2.   You couldn't push me away if you wanted to. I'm always here.

3.  You make me the happiest man in the world. You have completely stolen my heart and glued it back together. You are more than I deserve. I love you with all that I have.

4.  Will you be mine forever?

5.  You going to be my wife one day?

6.  I can see nothing in this world to make me change my mind.

7.  I need your love. I need your smile. I need your touch, your laugh, your eyes. I'm the happiest man in the world to call you mine.

8.  No one can love anything as much as I love you.

9.  Don't give up on me.

10.  I need you.

11.  I love you

12.  I love you

13.  I'm confused. I don't know what to do.

14.  I need time.

15.  My head isn't right. I need to work on myself first.

16.  Why are you throwing my stuff away? I'm coming back.

17.  I can't ask you to wait for me. I don't want you to move on.

18.  I don't think I'll ever give up on you.

19.  I miss you

20.  No, I'm not seeing anyone else.

21.  No, I didn't sleep with her.

22.  No, I don't love her anymore.

23.  *I love you
excerpts from texts he once sent
1.2k · Nov 2012
Let her be
1487 Nov 2012
These roaring pains felt in my stomach ******* me to my knees
But I stand up, go back to work, cause I'm the cleaning lady

Drowning tears of failure and never to your needs
To uncles who understand and claim they will make a stand,
"Under your weight a lovely girl lives and I'm going to tell him 'bout it!"
Oh, uncle Bill, can't you see? 
I've learned whiskey words make a fool out of me

I shoot the purple on the green
From racking, not knowing, just focusing 
A phone call to tell me the snow is 3 deep
Spitting curse words around me like the white flakes I see
But you're just furious because I spend my money

Daddy, you don't love me like you do them
Confirmations from strangers and old family friends
Your standards too high, I never stood a chance
*And here comes that pain again
1.2k · Sep 2017
The end
1487 Sep 2017
I used to want to go beyond the mountains



Now I want to fly above them.
1487 Sep 2012
i.

in a restaurant
with my family

i remember being young
and pitying a man
who held his fork
in his hand

like a shovel
to his mouth
like a shovel
to the stone

white collar
on the outside
but blue collar
deeply sewn

ii.

i remember being young
and in love with a man
who held his fork
in his hand

like a shovel 
to his mouth
like a boy
who grew homegrown

white collar 
on the outside
but blue collar
deeply sewn

iii.

today i watched
my father
pick a fork up 
with his hand

like a shovel
to his mouth
from the plate
and back again

all my life
it seems
the greatest men
i’ve known

are white collar
on the outside
but blue collar
deeply sewn
1.1k · Apr 2015
Whatta asshole
1487 Apr 2015
I still compare myself
to the ones that meant nothing:

"I left her for the bar on Christmas Eve",
"I was an ******* until she made me leave",
"She wouldn't have *** so I cheated out of greed";

And I still can't tell if you were bragging
or wore regret on your sleeve.
I am better than they will ever be.
1.1k · Mar 2014
Lost without you
1487 Mar 2014
I have
to lose myself,
just so,
I don't find you.
1.1k · Oct 2015
xx-xx-xxxx
1487 Oct 2015
I no longer turn dates
into occasions

from now on you'll be
just another day,
another month,
another year.
1.0k · Nov 2013
Sex on TV/ Sex without me
1487 Nov 2013
I've seen more *** scenes
On Showtime
Than I have ever watched ****

And I picture your lips
When they kiss
And her body
On top of yours

And there is nothing ******
About pretending
That you are inside her
Or that she is in you
In every way
That I couldn't be
1.0k · Sep 2020
Life
1487 Sep 2020
I didn’t want it to be perfect,
I just wanted it to be with you.
948 · Aug 2013
My body is a map
1487 Aug 2013
My body is a map:

My hair spread across like the oceans, curling in waves before they touch the shore
My face North America
My ******* Appalachian
That you don't explore anymore

I want you to touch Georgia
Caress Alabama
Kissing your way through Tennessee
I want your tongue wrung in Florida
Unleashing a hurricane
Like the first time I felt when you touched me.
Please.
1487 Feb 2014
I'm so tired of being sick;
So many people want to die
When all I wish
is to live.
1487 Sep 2012
all I do is write and erase
nothing sounds as good as nothing tastes,
except these cigarettes that lay on my tongue
to calm my mind from words I can't replace.

it's like trying to explain how empty feels
as the one who's aware prescribes another pill,
the numbing sting of obliviousness
lets no rhyme exist for what's not real.

 and I yearn with forward hope so much,
that when dawn turns from day and from day into dusk,
I find myself on bended knee
begging forgiveness in Who we trust.

still yet it seems that I am bound
in a lifetime drenched, and dried, and drowned
'cause left turns and cross traffic,
have been all I've ever found.
1487 Jan 2014
I look in the mirror and I don't see the same thing that the gas station cameras show that hang above as you walk in. I read before that we view ourselves 5 times more beautiful and I don't want to understand the difference.

I stood at the park watching the ponds sway. the ducks try to reach water through the ice and I thought for a moment about throwing myself in and if it was slush or if I'd never find my way out again. would my body just be a blue blob not because of cold but because of my sweatshirt I was wearing and if the boy sitting on the guard rail would run to save me but then i remembered boys always let me drown.

I sat in my driveway listening to the silence ringing in my ears with the fuzz in my head. Been hurting for days, I wish mites would crawl in and eat it away maybe there's a tumor there they could fix but the CT scan 5 years ago showed no complaint even though I complained about it.

No where else to go i sat in a deep stare and not that I want to die but it felt good to think about how it would feel not to feel at all cause even when you're numb something remains its like peeling off 3 layers exposing skin that lives underneath and that can be a very dangerous thing.

but my friend told me to keep crawling till I walk so I promised I would try. even with this overwhelming urge that I'm wasting my life.


It's gonna be another lonely night.
I have vertigo and it ruins me.
800 · Nov 2015
second chance
1487 Nov 2015
Maybe it was all a dream
I'll wake up and I'll be 17 -
get to do it all again.
780 · Jul 2013
Codependent no more
1487 Jul 2013
I said, "why am I not good enough?"
And you told me to quit
Your drunken eyes, they spilled out lies
"You always do this ****"

I wanted you to tell me
That I am all you need
My self esteem, no longer clean
From ***** hands with greed

Instead I stood and faltered
As I watched your dead blank stare
I can't control what isn't whole
You didn't care, you didn't care.
773 · Dec 2015
2016
1487 Dec 2015
My cousin asked what my resolution was for next year
I said, "to survive".

She said saying that was morbid,
but I think it's morbid if you don't.
wishing to be happy.
771 · May 2014
Speechless
1487 May 2014
Sometimes
you don't have words
for the way he
let you go.
766 · Nov 2013
Love shouldn't be this hard
1487 Nov 2013
I always try.
I always care.
I'm always there and not there at the appropriate times.
I'm always giving my entirety even when there's barely any of me left to give.

I'm always picking up the pieces.
I'm always forgiving.
I'm always hopeful.
I'm always the "baby, let's not fight".
I'm always the one who rubs your shoulders and makes love to you at night.

I'm your wake you up on the right side of the bed.
I'm your eggs with bacon how you like.
I'm your turkey sandwich cut in half with a knife.
I'm your looking up recipes to find the perfect one to surprise you with dinner.
I'm your laundry.
I'm your folded clothes.
I'm your hot towels out of the dryer in the cold.
I'm your air conditioning and pillow fluffed during the summertime.

I'm the out of the shower putting make-up so you will think I'm pretty.
I'm the shopping for outfits with you in mind.
I'm the hold all of my tears inside when you don't even notice.
I'm the laugh it off until next time by saying something witty.

I'm the one who suffers silently so we will be okay.
I'm the one who stays at home for you and waits.
I'm the one who listens when you tell me I can't go.
I'm the one who sits and misses you when you're having drinks without me.
I'm the one on the porch with the fishing pole when you forget about me.

I'm the one who slams the door because you didn't ask me what was wrong.
I'm the play it over and over in hopes you hear the lyrics in the song.
I'm the one who goes crazy when you start to not care.
I'm the blow it off to keep you around even when it isn't fair.

I'm the praying to God asking what it is that I've done wrong.
I'm the one crying in secret so I don't show you that you hurt me.
I'm the holding on for dear life so that you don't desert me.
I'm the panic attacks and cigarettes and 10 beers at the bar.
I'm the calling off work cause my head is too ****** from wondering where you are.

I'm the flipping out on you when I've been pushed to my limit.
I'm the packing up your **** again cause I just can't live with it.
I'm the one laying in bed, after you've left, screaming out your name.
I'm the one who can't sleep cause the pain is too deep and my dreams all look the same.
I'm the "please just text me" every minute carrying my phone.
I'm the ******* cause you're not him but I don't want to be alone.

I'm the 2 months later holding on trying to be your friend.
I'm the I'll use you for now to ease my mind but never call you again.
I'm the shaking when I see your name appearing on my cell.
I'm the stages of grief and wanting acceptance so that I can wish you well.

I'm the wanting to be over it but it just don't seem to be.
I'm that thing stuck to your leg until you finally shake rid of me.

I'm all of these things that I take with me when I try to love again.
I'm that "good woman you don't lose" 'cause there are always "other men".
I'm the one you think is messed up when really I'm just scarred.
I'm the one who does it anyway even when love shouldn't be so hard.
761 · Apr 2015
useless
1487 Apr 2015
my heart aches for things that have not happened,
will not happen,
and will never happen again.
759 · Dec 2013
Happy New Year, my love.
1487 Dec 2013
Happy New Year, my love.
I hope you have no one to kiss.
And I hope when that clock
strikes 12,
that I become
something you miss.
740 · Sep 2012
Cold
1487 Sep 2012
It's as cold as the snow that falls to the ground
As silent as the winter the earth surrounds
With the moon broadcasting it's dimming light
I will no longer love you, no more than tonight

Till the stars slowly sway with idle align
And broke hearts fly away on the arrows of time
Only then will the embers no longer ignite
For I will no longer love you, no more than tonight

And as darkness fades to take way my soul
And brings forth the pain with the undertow
Oh, morning be kind, please do not spite
But I could no longer love him, no more than tonight
740 · Feb 2016
1,095 days
1487 Feb 2016
When people ask, I am just going to say, "I love you"

Because I don't know
what else to do
I can't hide it anymore.
1487 Nov 2012
Goodnight, my love
Goodnight, baby
I hope your dreams remember me

*even though you don't
729 · Mar 2014
I lied
1487 Mar 2014
When I said that you seemed free,
I lied ---

Because no one is free
when they're trapped
in their mind.
725 · Sep 2014
I'm sorry?
1487 Sep 2014
Sometimes people you've forgiven
do one last ****** thing to you
and you never recover
and you never see them the same again.
1487 Mar 2014
All I have to show
for last night
is a bruised ******
and a hurt heart
few hickeys too. thanks...
717 · Dec 2013
Get out my fucking head
1487 Dec 2013
I'm tired of writing about you
Wasted energy
Wasted thoughts
When I wake up in bed
And beg God to make the dreams stop

TV on
TV off
Light bothers my eyes
Voices become annoying
But the dark holds no surmise

So I walk out to the kitchen
Feed the cats
Drink some water
And then I sit down on the couch
Fiddle with the lighter

Spark a cigarette and smoke it
Gag between the puffs
Every hit used to forget you
But now it's not enough

My legs cradle my stomach
Hand laying on my forehead
Trying to stop my mind
From thinking what it shouldn't have been

Scream at myself a little
Then laugh a good bit too
For the self torture I'm inflicting
Imagining her with you

I come down off my panic
The tired sets back in
Go back and lay in bed
Pray just one more time
Close my eyes hoping
It doesn't happen again

So much dread
So much dread

*Get out my ******* head.
684 · Oct 2020
Moving on
1487 Oct 2020
The difference is mine is by force,
and yours is by choice.
why
664 · Sep 2012
3-8-12
1487 Sep 2012
of all the times the wind blew
i never heard the bells chime
or paid attention that maybe
i was never paying attention

and the birds chirp louder
than they have before
at sundown
or maybe not
i don't know

but i heard them after the rain
and i can still hear them now
their echo
singing out your name
639 · Sep 2014
What did you do to me
1487 Sep 2014
What if he doesn't make me laugh like you did
What if he doesn't captivate a room
What if he doesn't golf with my dad on Sundays

My god, what did you do
What did you do
I want another you, minus all the hurt.
624 · Feb 2014
Guaranteed
1487 Feb 2014
You can
try to love me
but
results
not typical
617 · Jun 2013
Awake
1487 Jun 2013
If reality is better than our dreams;
then why is it so easy for you to fall asleep
and for me to stay awake?
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