I got out of bed with a bit of uneasiness,
I decided that it's been too long since I've written.. I think the last time I did was last week
...or the week before ?
I looked at the date, and make me twitch,
Made a tear, or two fall
Made my heart break in a few more pieces.
DID YOU KNOW THAT IT'S BEEN A MONTH SINCE WE MET ? Figuratively that is ..
DID YOU KNOW, that you've broken me into minute pieces ??
Pieces unable to be detected by microscopes ??
Pieces that can't be felt or touched with your naked hand?
DID YOU KNOW ?
No you don't.
You've been too busy missing her every second, like you did with me.
Been too busy upset with her, like you were with me.
Been too busy telling her how much you like her like you did with me.
HECK, YOU'VE BEEN TOO BUSY WORSHIPPING HER ANGELIC FACE, LIKE YOU DID WITH ME !
YOU'VE BEEN TOO BUSY BEGGING HER, TO SEE HER FULL BODY, LIKE YOU DID WITH ME !
YOU'VE BEEN TOO BUSY telling her of your childhood, and how you missed your dad
..too busy telling her how suicidal you were, and how placed a gun to your head.
And you're probably too busy, telling her of me.
YOU'VE BEEN TOO BUSY, SITTING, FORMULATING THE LIES YOU'LL TELL ME NEXT, AS TO WHY YOU'VE HAD NO TIME FOR ME : "I was helping my mom with the Christmas tree" "Someone was using my phone" "Sorry I was sleeping" - (WAIT DIDN'T YOU SPEND NIGHTS UP WITH ME TELLING ME YOU HAVE INSOMNIA ? ) "Sorry I was out" "Sorry I was on a call" . AND I DON'T CARE IF THEY'RE TRUE, I DON'T CARE IF I'M EMOTIONAL BUT THAT'S TOO MUCH 'I'M SORRYS' . TOO MUCH EXCUSES, TOO MUCH LIES.
And I'm sorry that I made a mistake and liked you so much. I'm sorry for letting you taking up my phone space,
With pictures of you that an artist would find hard to formulate.
Sorry you were my screensaver.
Sorry I told my sister about you ..yeah I told her how adorable you were
And I told her you were my ''soon to be boyfriend" ...
And I'm sorry that I pushed another into the fire because of you
Yeah I'm sorry I pushed him aside.
But karma's a ***** and I knew it would get me, I told you it would AND I TOLD YOU IN THE END I'D BE HURT, and you told me no, and I would be.
Darling being replaced doesn't bother me, it doesn't make my bones crack,
It doesn't make my heart cry ..
It's the mixed signals.
Today you're all flirty with me, tomorrow you're calling me names.
WHY DON'T YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIND ?!
I know you no longer need be, and to be honest you never did,
So be honest with me and let me leave you alone ??

I'm also sorry for listening to your lies.
I should've known though, by the signs you gave,
"Let's be friends with benefits?"
FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS WHEN I WAS HOPING WE'D GO SOMEWHERE ?? F.W.B, WHEN I WAS HOPING WE'D BE TOGETHER ONE DAY ? F.W.B, WHEN YOU SAID YOU LIKED ME MORE THAN YOU SHOULD'VE ??
Special to be used then thrown aside ?
What did you want ? A piece of me ?
I should've have know when you said I was special, after I said you were my "soon to be boyfriend "
And I'm sorry you'll never get to see this.
But I hope you suffer from your mistakes
And rot in the arms of any other you come across,
Because no one will EVER adore you like I DID.

You’re still my screensaver
Even after all this time
I have to hide my screen from wandering eyes
I should know better than to keep your picture staring back at me
But what’s a girl to do
If I can’t get myself over you
I’ll keep this lie until the end
Tell ‘em all you’re just a friend
But you’re still my screen saver

You are the screensaver
in my mind
whenever I close my eyes
you are there

In spite of all that has been done
There is nothing new under the sun.
Call it a woman; it's still a man . . .
Though you throw out what's left in the garbage can.

Can we be each other’s screensaver?
Because we just can’t get enough
So that every time I open up my phone
I get to see the face of my true love
Your picture is a reminder of so much love
When you hold me close
And kiss me hard
And tell me I’m more beautiful than all the stars
I love you now
I’ll love you then
So let’s be each other’s screensavers
And even when apart we can look at each other’s face often

She stared blankly at the computer screen
With its flickering screen of judgement.

What are you looking at?

Silence. A screensaver.

Enough of that sass.

It was finally complete.

Her hair wearing its disheveled frizz like a badge of honor
From all-night typing
And two pots of coffee
Where her comb-fingers turned the smoothness of her hair
Into a stress-reliever
As she muttered madly to herself
(But quietly, so as not to wake the roommates
Who slumbered in their honey chambers
Away from the heart of her hive of activity).

She had buzzed all night
On a caffeine-high
That made her hands tremble
Her muscles ache
And her eyes hate her.

And now

With too much to do
And a limited time to do it in
She had to keep buzzing.
Coffee *** number three was carefully stored
In a travel mug
That she clutched to her clavicle
Just to keep the warmth that much closer to her hyped-up heart.

She made her stops at offices and libraries
Retrieving promised letters
And printing the labors of her night intensive
Before she could finally deposit it
Behind the glass windows
Of the scholarship office.

This is too much work for less-than-ideal odds.

But she had no time to dwell
On the gamble she had made
And paid in hours of wakefulness
And the inked-up peelings from tree corpses.
She rushed from class to class
Where she tried to speak in coherent sentences,
To dance with sharp choreography,
And to contribute to society
But her body hated her
Because she had betrayed it
And deprived it of the only thing that it truly loved in this world:
Sleep.

It would have its vengeance.
It would have its vengeance when she was old, creaky, and could no longer move.
But for now, her body made do with small rebellions
To demonstrate its displeasure.
Sentences were not sentences
And every turn, leap, and twist
Made her think longingly of sleep.
And her body laughed.

But at long last,
The sun set
The girl slept
And then the sun rose.

And this continued to happen
Many times.
It rose and it set
It rose and it set
It rose and it set

Until she had forgotten
And her body had forgiven
The sleepless night.

i think i started five poems just now
trying to find the right words
some days they flow with ease
some days they sound
strained
the backspace button shows
the most wear on my keyboard;
i wish there was a
backspace
for life...
i stared at the screen too long
and it went black
tired of waiting for me to
think of some clever combination of words;
i never set a screensaver
there's something weird about those.
i read a poem the other day
by a poet telling us
what it takes to be
a poet
but i think anyone can be
whatever they want;
who are we to judge
when we are always writing
about those who
judge us?
our species is endangered
in this age of mindlessness
we are the catalyst
for creativity
the embers of the fire
started by the great minds
of ancient times...
will we let it die completely
or will we succeed
at rekindling its
greatness?

She’s got a hole on the topside of her right Nike shoe
Pink, black, white patterns ruined by her bony toe
Does she know
She’s not wearing socks?

Hair callously thrown into a disgraceful bun
Wetted from sweat or shower
I’ll never know.

Screensaver sepia toned
And donned in the center
Is a lover, perhaps,
Kissing her laughing cheek.

She’s more organized than me,
Dutifully taking notes
And yearning, craving for the professors
Pleasant spew of factual ****

She records his words
I record my thoughts
Who’s the more selfish one?
This stranger sitting diagonally in front of me
With her pink ears and lightly freckled face,
Or myself
Because I don’t even want to know her name.

Her world will forever remain a place
Untainted by myself
(Lucky her).
She’ll remain a mystery, an enigma
Stories that define who she is
Left for assumption and infinity.

She’ll never know I’m thinking
Only of her
And for absolutely no purpose
Other than practicing
Observing the small glimpses
Of people’s lives they offer you
Unknowingly

I still haven’t bought gloves,
             though I had steel-toe boots for awhile.
Callouses are waiting for you to lay hands bare
to everything you own. You can go years without feeling
the bottom of your own table.

I moved Dad into his new house.
This brings the total to 18 moves in 10
years. Mostly in 20 hour windows.
You were around
for 7 or 8 of them

I read once that most of dust is actually stardust
from micro-meteorites. It’s not true.
It is actually dead pieces of you.
I’ve inhaled more of us than anyone.

Item highlights:

250 lb. End table with hidden safe inside
    Combination: unknown
Garbage bag with mom’s clothes
     and one Phillips-head screwdiver
Four landline phones tangled
    with their cords in a laundry hamper
Seven phonebooks in a neat cardboard box

Madalyn: Dad still has the small wooden sign you made him
                     the one that says “Dad’s Workshop” in blue glitter-paint.

Steve:        Dad has recently bought a toaster oven, and he loves it
                     as much as you love yours. He gave me the same speech
                     about the difference in the taste of hot-dogs.

You are both still in the pictures at his house. It startles
me when your faces appear on the screensaver.

Your screensaver on your phone was my name spelled out in large, block letters. I avoided you by slipping in early to math and hiding behind lockers and lunch tables. This is the first time I learned to run away.

2. We held hands in the dark, and whispered into each other's ears. Your new girlfriend is sweet. I understand why she is not your secret.

3. I saw fireflies light up in your eyes.

4. I knew you never liked me, but I still kissed you anyways.

5. You told me 6 months ago that you loved boys. I've never been more proud of you.

6. I smiled at you the other day and you ignored my existence. I swear I heard every bone in my body break.

7. You slipped into my back porch door and I smelled a party, midnight, and her on your breath. My hands have never felt clean again. I hope she doesn't love you and her hands feel like knives in your back.

8. You are the recipient of all of my flaws. I'm so sorry you never knew me. Please continue to pray.

9. I think I loved you since the day we exchanged a pencil in sixth grade. I know we will never end up together, but it sure is nice to have a best friend.

10. It was all a mistake. My name burns the roof of your mouth but you continue to drink. You'r drowning in your own bitterness and desperately trying to fill your lungs with her laughter.

12. You were the first boy to ever tell me I was beautiful and truly mean it. I felt the word warm my skin and give me goosebumps. Your "beautiful" held no fine print, no bad intentions... no conditions.

13. You are sunshine and flowers petals tucked into shirt pockets, behind wisps of hair. I wish time had allowed us to...

14. Maybe next time I can muster enough courage to write a poem about the lightning bolts in my own limbs. I am trying to be done waiting on you. I am learning how to love myself.

exotic fish swim
aquarium-like setting
~ Roku screensaver






Mark Toney © 2021

It's time for a break.
I bring my cup of coffee
Outside.

Drizzles of rain land in
The black fluid, stirring  
The steam that smells of

Warmer sensations than
Those of being drenched and
Rained upon outside a

Construction site. Sip and
Swallow. Repeat. I let the
Screensaver of my mind set

In; gazing at the space between
Things, thinking nothing.
Sip and swallow. The cup

Warms my hand. The coffee my
Throat. Then, a single thought
Warms my chest.

The way her bathroom smells
Of the products she uses.
The way she likes her showers

Hot -so I learn to enjoy them too.
I was always turning the heat
Down, until it got unbearable.

Then stayed a little longer.
Shocking myself awake.
Misconceiving pain as a tool.

I like it comfortable now.
Soft alarms in the morning.
Clothes with room rather than

Slim cuts and tight chests.
A woman that never once walked
A catwalk, but who likes to

Stroke my back softly until I
Fade away between winter covers
That smell of her skin and sleep.

Sip and swallow. I empty the cup
And listen to the rain -heavier
Now- hit my hard hat

Like a thousand fairy drummers.
The break is over. Workday isn't.
I have dry clothes in my office.

I'm having a
Very good
Day.

Ten minutes and it's too hot,
I run to my room!
Two minutes there, and I miss the sun
Got to find a shade in the sun.
Aha! there it is, the perfect place!

Content, spread-out, diffused, harmonic, optimal, natural,
as If I am the center of the universe.

Surrounded by light blue smoky hills,
Occasional glimpses of divinely whitish and grayish patches of mountains not too far behind,

My current screensaver,
The enormous blue sky,
The dark birds of varying sizes,
Some are flying, some are gliding,
Some are serene, some are in a hurry,
The serene ones seem to mock me,
"We are having more fun", they taunt me,
"Wait, until I roll another joint", I taunt back instantly,

Amidst the sound of the city,
the construction of buildings,
the engines roaring,
the horns hunking,
the school childrens playing,
I drown them all with my Israeli trance,
the sound that I choose to listen.

I lift my kindle up,
Ready to enter yet another universe.

a screen of talking heads
is my only friend

saves me from graces and embarrassment if you will
isolated from all the physicality and strains
of touches and public relations
important meetings and coffees on a sunny day
an obsession if you will, for my friend will never complain
against its will, allures me to seek and swim through its
narrow stretches of darker digital door, spirits abandon
gliding across murky storages and transparent baggages

lifting spirits and chasing cheap highs on low votes
shoes on sale, price tags scratching, screaming numbers
that crunch and crushes, decisions fragments validity
addiction from the punishment, enjoyment from the pains of
indulging, dipping toes to virtual shopping centers,
lively, empty, broken on a promise
Food that delivers, meat that can be eaten, gifts are ready to open
and people that cannot walk, keyboard replaces legs, making waves
paving way on to the next, madly driven beyond comprehension
clicking and pulling, scrolling bars and battery bars. percentage low.

despise it! destroy it! you cannot. A screen is all we have.
screen is all we can.
detach from reality, programmed to serve, slave from the labor
chained to the pleasures. its monotone, monochrome, but never boring.
screens can save lives
not in the way you think.
cures my desire for something human.
sad it may be

cure that actually prevents
loneliness is non-existent.
a screen of talking heads
is i guess my only friend.

gently
our
hearts grabbed
the
armadillo red sunset
witness
across
the
screensaver skyline
while
leaving Galveston

I sink in
Window like a screensaver
People living
Moving like
The leaves still attached
On the brink of
Fall

I sink further in
Cerulean chair
Bones from the 80s
(Could’ve been the 90s)
Cut & carved
With a story
Never ending

Knife in the Back

Do you feel alone
Disenfranchised
Destitute and defeated
I don’t have the answers you seek
But I do have a voice
And At the end of the day
You do possess
Freedom of  choice
Made by the self
Not by partisan parties
Vying for your vote
Or media
Reenforcing their doctrine and stances

Pre chorus
So raise your voice up
Against all odds
Be the individual
Be a beacon for others
Be your guiding light
Tonight, fight groupthink
Donkeys and elephants

Chorus 1

The world’s what you make it
My friends
It doesn’t have to be paved
With unanswered ends
With swelling lungs as jagged pills
Life’s a screensaver of rolling hills

Chorus 2
I’m not implying  that utopias real
bur peace could exist
Without  demo reels
Or a knife in the back
Of your free-thinking mind



Verse 2

Just close your eyes
Imagine possessing
Lenses to sift through the ****
See yourself
As a human
Of equal standing
And not as  a yes-man
Nor slave master or captain of a ship

Chorus 3


Today you’re an individual
Redeemed  of your sin
Of conformity
You don’t need to have power
To know you have a voice
And a choice
That you’ve no need
To apologize for


Bridge 2

The worlds a confusing place
But it is what we make  it
So let’s make it right
By doing right
And not just being Right

End

Don’t succumb
And be brain dead
As they wish

Listen, it’s whatever.
I ain’t got **** to say.
I’m a Cali boy forever.
Heart left by Ocean Way.
I’m at mercy of the universe now, ain’t got room in heart to spare.
I love you real much but I’m at a turning point, breathing in dead air.
And the metal zipper of my black leather dangles in the wind, music to my despair, ain’t got a word to say.
I listen to what I used to listen.
It brings back time and has me reminiscin’.
But I ain’t got **** to say.

My backyard’s a graveyard of roses I’ve planted for him.
Only saying cause you asked.
Will you help me dig them up?
Let’s uproot dead roses of love undone and plant our own of love to come.
We’ll fertilize them and sing folk songs on a long road from home.
I’ve got it in me, believe it or not, but I’ve got it in me.
And love will come.

Let me center the whole universe around us.
Let me worry ‘bout you every single time you miss my call.
Let me rant to you in an unabridged way.
Let me release like vape steam what I ever venture say.
My 11PM attitude, high on verisimilitude.
I swear I love you, but my heart feels dead.
Just look at the fallen petals, ash instead of soil.
The dead air I’ve been breathing, it used to be a joy.
But I believe it, believe it or not, but I believe in resurrection.
Of a broken heart.

My backyard’s a graveyard of roses I’ve planted listening to Super Freaky Girl.
We were like Jimmy and Kim, we were like flame and gasoline, people got hurt.
I loved like a maniac, I almost even told my closest friends, how happy I’ve been.
But I’ve been lying all my life, it wasn’t even happiness, it was a chore I kinda liked.
Cause he had my back.
And I took bullets for him.
For him I gave the *****.
Unlike giving them for me.
But one thing I’m willing to say is even though I’m wilting to decay is,
I loved like a maniac, like fire it burned, but it went away.
Cali boy forever, the yearly switches got me crying by Ocean Way.
Santa Monica screensaver, we were there, but now we’re a world away.
And I ain’t got **** to say to you, ain’t got anything.

Now there’s dead roses rotting by my house.
If you help me, we can plant brand new ones.
I’ve got it in me, believe it you do, I’ve faith in it too.
That love can come
of love undone.