I talked about you today.
I haven't talked about you like that since you died.
Even saying that is hard to hear.
I stood up in front of them and tired to talk.
That's when I realized that I was shaking.
I could feel the light buzz from it and I tried to hide it,
but they all could see it.
I almost lost my cool.
Since when have I let them win?
When did they become right about me?
Because not being able to speak a single word about you,
without breaking down and screaming,
is a sign that I am still a train wreak of fear.
I try to keep calm,
and hide my fear from them,
but I just want to sit down and break everything that I can get my hands on,
but that's not what you would want me to do,
and that would not only disappoint me,
but also you...
I'm sorry Papa
My birthdays tomorrow
I'll be 16
Never would I have thought
I would spend it with out you
You have missed so much
Why did you leave us?
Why wouldnt you let us help!
I should be so mad about that
But I'm not I love you
Nothing can change that
I know you're in a better place now
Happy and better
But papa I need you now more then ever
Everything is a mess without you
Please come back
Tell me you love me
Tell me happy birthday
Tell me goodbye
I want you back
You have missed to much
You are missing us grow up
Evie doesn't remember you.....
Even I'm starting to forget
I don't want you to be just a memory
I want to be able to hear you
Talk to you
All in all
I just want you back
I love you
Glass shatters against the wall
Get down! Hurry! Crawl!
Stop! No, stop! Don't throw that
She's gone papa, and she's not coming back
Please, papa, please, just put down the booze
Here, I'll even help you tie your shoes
Stop crying papa, it will be alright
I'm the woman of the house now, I'll make things right
Ouch papa! Stop, you're pulling my hair
Why do you always look at me with that hatful stare?
Stop yelling! I can't help that I have her eyes
No, I'm not leaving too papa. I'm not telling you lies
Quit, papa no. You can't have a cigarette
Why? Because your father died of lung cancer, did you forget?
Let go of my arm! You've got liquor on your breath
Papa, mama left, deal with it! She chose the meth
Ouch! Papa ouch! Stop hitting me with your belt
You can say you're sorry, but I'll still have a welt
Why, papa, why? You're too drunk to drive
I'd rather you stay here and scream at me if it will keep you alive
I did, papa, don't hit. I washed the dishes
Don't you remember butterfly kisses?
Yeah, papa, remember when I was a little girl
I'd climb on your back and you would twirl
See papa, hush, relax your head
No, papa, no. That's not the way to your bed
I'm sorry papa, I didn't mean it, I swear
Stop punishing me papa, this isn't fair
I loved her too. She left us both
I blame you! You broke the oath
I hate you papa! Look at what you've done
Wait, no papa, please put down the gun
You're drunk papa, you don't know what your saying
Oh God, I'm running out of time. How do I keep delaying?
Hey papa, catch! Yes, he dropped the gun
Okay, I've got it. Now run, Susie, run!
Oh no, I tripped and accidentally set it off
Ouch, my chest. cough cough
Sweet Susie, what have I done?
I'm sorry darling, your mother has won
She swore she'd destroy me, she ripped out my spirit
You tried to tell me Susie, but I didn't want to hear it
Please, please my darling, don't die in my arms
I know, I'll drive to one of the nearest farms..
It's too late papa, the damage is done
But you're wrong about one thing, no one has won
I tried to protect you both, I tried to care
But all you did was yell at each other and constantly swear
I was hurt too papa, It wasn't all about yourself
I cared for you papa, I watched your health
But momma was good to get out, it's because of you, papa, that I die
You always pushed too hard papa, you always made us cry
I'm dying now papa, see, I've coughed up some blood
It's weird, I feel like I'm laying in mud
But I love you papa, I truly do
Even after all that you've put me through..
I love you too Susie, more than words can describe
I only wish that a better life I could provide
I'm sorry I abuse you, I'm sorry that you're hurt
Susie? Are you there Susie?! Oh no... covers her with his shirt.
I hope you've found your peace, your laughter
in a place of no pain, the great ever after
here on earth our tears are shed
but i'm proud of the life you led
how you gave me hope, courage to be
all the things the world should see
the battle you fought was hard, struggle every day
and even though i didn't want to let you go away
it hurt me to see you suffer, and be in pain
memories wash over me, soft like rain
you will always be in my heart, now, forever
in heaven all our loved ones will gather together
they will welcome you with open arms, a smile
but sometimes it feels like we only had a little while
i'm grateful i got to say goodbye
and even when i feel like i'm going to cry
i know you've found that place
where the sun always shines on your face
and music is always in the air
someday we'll all be there
i'm so thankful for you, you taught me so many things
you're in heaven now papa, getting your wings
I see it in your eyes.
A fear of the unknown.
A fear of taking risks.
A lack of success.
A lack of effort.
A lack of motivation.
A lack of going for your dreams.
The dry threats.
"I'm gonna come down there and kick your ass," you say.
Like dry heaves.
The nectar of youth slithering away.
Your trying to grasp, clamp so tight.
You are lost.
Taking your frustrations out on others.
"You are such a fuck up," you snap.
You've given up on yourself.
I love you. But I can't help you.
I’m so scared to tell you
But I’m afraid your heart is leaking
For years now it’s been seeping the fluid into your mouth
In big puddles you spat it out
Now where there should be motivation there is only weeping
I stepped in your puddles when I was little
They soaked into my feet and filled me up past my teeth
Now that it is gone from you I hope there is enough to share
But if there isn’t, I don’t want it
I’ll give it back to you
I’ll speak it until my voice is hoarse
I’ll spit it at your feet with no remorse
If it comes to it
I will squeeze all the fluid out of my heart
I will use it to wash your feet
It will soak in and fill you past your teeth
Then you can take a step forth
And my heart will fill up again
Upon seeing you as you were then
My grandfather's love has always been hidden
Hidden by his impatience, beaten by his crumbling knuckles, and silenced by the raw disappointment in his eyes
To prove a man wrong is the greatest achievement of a daughter with a heart of thunder and doubt stricken blood
But to climb a mountain of ancient slabs of mistakes, shame, outrage, and guilt just to reach satisfaction...
I have never rock climbed before
Only ran on hot coals, jumped through flaming hoops, and maybe even tore mountains down
To climb a mountain one must of calluses of pure gold.
My grandfather's mistakes left bruises on his knees
He moans and shouts into the wind
Claiming they struck his body with no reason
They got there on their own for he has never been one to pray
His inability to believe anything that comes from another's mouth other than his own has prevented that kind of patience.
My grandfather's teeth are small and yellowed, spread apart like they can't stand each other
Curse words and empty apologies curl around each one leave a stain that tastes like boiled blood.
His nose broken more than once,
Misshapen by the hands of God
So that no woman can any longer find sweetness in the craft of his smile
No other than the one that remains behind him, guiding him, both blindfolded.
The day I told you I never bared respect for you, you turned your eyes from me
And I feel they have yet to return
The day I told you I bared a child within me, I saw the last bit of hope you had for me drain from your body slowly,
Like a balloon deflating
And since then you look at me flat
And with your eyes fogged with your ego, you do not see me anymore.
I see a man with a heart too big for his head, so he cut it out and left it underneath the bathroom sink
Only sometimes does he look at it and feel it inside him again, when the cherry red wine blooms his face
Or the light heart of a child laughs at his jokes.
I see a man with the weight of too many unspoken sins on his shoulders
Digging tally marks into his shoulder blades to remind him that it won't be long before the regret and guilt buries him alive.
I see a man too weak to ask for help and bow his head and speak with the heart his body no longer treasures
But too strong to give up and let his family crumble beneath him.
And I know when you look at me you don't realize not only who I am but who I'll be and who I've been
But you don't see that I see you, truly, and that makes me resent your disappointment in me even more.
I see your heart, your strength, and your courage.
I see the soul that resides in you also resides in me and to compare myself to you is almost painful because I know you would cringe at the thought of it.
Knowing the man you really are
And knowing I have done nothing but failed your expectations of perfection curling from my red wiry hair
And shining smile, little did you know I would crawl out of life with the burden of your daughter so great
My wrists would be buried in the dirt holding me like cement on all fours
And even when the day finally came when I stood on my own feet and learned to walk,
Dirt had clogged your senses from too many years trying to dig me out
I don't even bother trying to make you proud.
And now my bitter guilt convinces me that you are nothing but a blind man trying to take too many bites at once
And sometimes I believe the lies of my teenage rage to try to ease the grueling burden of your empty stares and
My empty promises.
If I could tell you anything now I would simply call you father,
And tell you I loved you so great my hands break and crumble trying to write out my respect for you.
But until your body is planted beneath the soil you sweat and bled on
I will hold my pride as a mask and bite my lip as you spiral slowly into death.