I came across the picture of us again,
the one from many years back.
I had to make it my profile picture again.
As I look at it now…
I look so young and your face is aged.
I never realized just how much.
It’s funny how you forget little things,
forget to really look at people when all is well.
It overwhelms my heart with sadness.
You are my father’s rock and he, mine.
I know it’s a natural process,
but I’m not sure what I’ll do when you go.
You’ve been here my whole life
and I have always taken you for granted.
You’re sick now and it’s only getting worse.
I just wish I could hug you really really tight,
but I know that’s not your style.
You’re tough ol’ Papa
and I wouldn’t want you any other way.
It’s hard to fathom how a person seems well
then the results come back
and suddenly you’re spiralling downward.
I know you’re in pain and terrified.
I know also that you can handle it.
I just hope the pain isn’t unbearable.
I just hope you know how much you are loved,
how much you will always be loved.
I pray that you are given strength,
I pray that we all are,
to be able to handle what comes our way.
Oh how I wish I could take away your pain.
Oh how I wish I could change it all.
I will never forget you always yelling "Huh!"
"What’d you say?" "Did you say something?"
because your hearing aid wasn’t turned up
or because we were talking too quietly.
I’ll never forget all the times that you yell "Paula!" "Honey!"
Poor Nannie, you just can’t leave her Papa.
I’ll never forget those times when
I rode in the truck with you and Dad to work;
the countless nights with you in front of the T.V.
watching your cowboy shows.
I will never be able to watch a cowboy show
without thinking of you.
I pray that things take a turn for the better
so you are able to get your trip to the beach
so that we have more time.
I don’t want to think about life without you.
I will always hold you in my heart.
I do know, though, that you’ll make
one hell of a cowboy in heaven one day.
I love you,
forever and always.
| c.l.s | 2013
I talked about you today.
I haven't talked about you like that since you died.
Even saying that is hard to hear.
I stood up in front of them and tired to talk.
That's when I realized that I was shaking.
I could feel the light buzz from it and I tried to hide it,
but they all could see it.
I almost lost my cool.
Since when have I let them win?
When did they become right about me?
Because not being able to speak a single word about you,
without breaking down and screaming,
is a sign that I am still a train wreak of fear.
I try to keep calm,
and hide my fear from them,
but I just want to sit down and break everything that I can get my hands on,
but that's not what you would want me to do,
and that would not only disappoint me,
but also you...
I'm sorry Papa
My birthdays tomorrow
I'll be 16
Never would I have thought
I would spend it with out you
You have missed so much
Why did you leave us?
Why wouldnt you let us help!
I should be so mad about that
But I'm not I love you
Nothing can change that
I know you're in a better place now
Happy and better
But papa I need you now more then ever
Everything is a mess without you
Please come back
Tell me you love me
Tell me happy birthday
Tell me goodbye
I want you back
You have missed to much
You are missing us grow up
Evie doesn't remember you.....
Even I'm starting to forget
I don't want you to be just a memory
I want to be able to hear you
Talk to you
All in all
I just want you back
I love you
In your presence I feel edified and loved
Something that I've never experienced when I'm with others.
Your love so great
You died for me.
But yet who am I?
A lowly worthless servant who can't seem to hear your call,
Left aimless treading on this earth.
Blaming you is easy
Scolding you ensures nothing.
When I ask of anything
You gladly give.
It's funny how things ended up like this
And hell am I afraid
Of what's about to happen.
I trust in you, knowing you'll guide.
You've never failed me.
my beautiful papa.
He doesn't look at me anymore.
His smile has disappeared from his face.
Papa's bones are as thin as the weeds out back.
You made me that handmade bike because you couldn't afford me a real one.
Your hands were the only things that helped me and momma.
The medicine you take, the bed you live in,
Your only depends.
I'm the one you should depend on papa.
I hold your fragile hand as you shake in fear.
Papa, your fever is too high.
On some nights, I sit with you in the oddest hours, keeping a cool damp towel placed on your forehead.
The medicine can only hold you here for so long.
Papa, I can't sleep knowing that you're coughing your life away.
I stay up thinking of the days we use to spend in the blistering sun.
You drinking your ginger beer, giving me a sip.
It was sweet, yet burned on my tongue as it went in the back of my throat.
Papa, you were there for me when my days were dark and momma wouldn't be around.
She works a lot more now.
Why does life have to take the only thing I need to live?
Papa, you're getting weaker.
The hammer and nails you use to use, now mock your lack of strength.
Momma can only do so much.
Remember when the holidays would come around and you'd be out so long?
Scorching yourself to find the one gift for me?
Weary and tired you would always be,
you did it for me.
Papa, it's my turn now.
I loved the way you would smell during the mid-summer days.
The burnt cigarettes and fabric sweat was your name brand smell.
you would come home beat with sweat beads on your forehead from the hat you wore.
It resembled the long weary hours you worked for that money.
Stale bread bottoms and scarce water was all we had.
Holy socks and beaten shoes was all I needed.
It was all you could afford papa.
Now life is in my hands.
Your sickness is the only tight bond left that's keeping us close.
Papa, you're daydreaming again.
Collarbones and hip bones are not suppose to be visible on you papa.
It's hurting me more than it's hurting you.
Your eyes are glossy.
The hair on your head that was once thick and brown,
has now gone grey and thin.
Papa, I can see the fear in your eyes.
You're worried about me and momma.
Sad how the doctors turn their heads in shame.
They can't do anything.
If you leave me as I'm speaking,
remember that your life has given me great fortune.
Whether it was working till your knuckles bled or staying up all night with me,
just know that you're a wonderful papa.
Papa repeats bad jokes
like a broken record, an overplayed
and under paid radio station
that forgot how many times
we've heard the same
Out to eat at a fine dining
Mexican restaurant, Papa orders
a hot dog. The waiter
doesn't get it. The joke, nor the
Who would guess so many
bad one-liners and puns lie behind
your dark leather skin and
tired jaw? The waiter cannot tell
that buried underneath pages of wrinkles and
stoic smiles, Papa
is only joking.
I hope you've found your peace, your laughter
in a place of no pain, the great ever after
here on earth our tears are shed
but i'm proud of the life you led
how you gave me hope, courage to be
all the things the world should see
the battle you fought was hard, struggle every day
and even though i didn't want to let you go away
it hurt me to see you suffer, and be in pain
memories wash over me, soft like rain
you will always be in my heart, now, forever
in heaven all our loved ones will gather together
they will welcome you with open arms, a smile
but sometimes it feels like we only had a little while
i'm grateful i got to say goodbye
and even when i feel like i'm going to cry
i know you've found that place
where the sun always shines on your face
and music is always in the air
someday we'll all be there
i'm so thankful for you, you taught me so many things
you're in heaven now papa, getting your wings